Top 10 one lines from this year's Edinburgh Festival

MonkieSocks

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."


2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

phasers

That winning line is crap! And I swear I've heard it before somewhere...

Brendog

Brilliant!!


can't wait to catch on the tv soon

MonkieSocks

I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.






What kind of sick fecker would throw a wasp in a bin?

patmac

phasers wrote: »

That winning line is crap! And I swear I've heard it before somewhere...

Have you ever been to Edinburgh?

ron_darrell

I'm probably being really dense but I don't get this one at all

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

MarkFairman

You write how many pints you want on the spoon and just hold it up at the bar.

actuallylike

MarkFairman wrote: »

You write how many pints you want on the spoon and just hold it up at the bar.

Don't think it's that? I'm pretty sure (in England) when you order food in a pub, they give you a wooden spoon with a number on it so they know where to bring the food. Free food if you bring your own.

MarkFairman

I wasnt being serious :rolleyes:

Thank you Captain Obvious! Once again you have saved the day!

actuallylike

MarkFairman wrote: »

I wasnt being serious :rolleyes:

Thank you Captain Obvious! Once again you have saved the day!

I see you're able to use the sarcastic smilie, maybe you should use it when you're been sarcastic. Sarcasm doesn't transcribe well on an internet forum. Work on that.

folan

im working on perfecting sarcasm tags. <sarcasm></sarcasm> just doesnt seem to be easy enough!

Apparently saying what im typing in a sarcastic voice wasnt working either

MarkFairman

Apparently saying what im typing in a sarcastic voice wasnt working either

I have come across a similar issue. I have tried typing and using air "quotes", this also does not seem to work.

neil_hosey

you dont seriously think that would work do you??..

FruitLover

neil_hosey wrote: »

you dont seriously think that would work do you??..

You might need to look up the word 'joke' in the dictionary.