Being there in the end of the life and afterwards

LegacyUser

Hey Everyone!

After reading a bit in this forum I thought I just give you a little insight from an outside position.

Working with people with cancer I'm regularily confronted with the very end stages of their life and the families and friends involved in their support.

The following is not a guideline, I have no objective evidence supporting my advise nor do I claim any expertise at this field. It is a combination of my personal and work related experience and summarizes the general advises that I give if i'm asked by friends or families.


Sometimes I see that people desperatly want to be there for these "last minutes" or this "last breath" and put incredible strain on themselves to not leave the bedside for a minute. Almost to the stage of being afraid to go to the toilet not to "miss" this moment.
As understandable as this is (as it "seals" the actual death of your beloved one) I think we have to remind ourselves that dying is not about this last breath!

It is about the minutes, hours, days, month and sometimes years before!

It doesn't matter if you were there the actual minute when your beloved one took the last breath, it's about having been there BEFORE for him/her.
It's the time before, where you have the chance to say what you need to say, it's the time before where you can resolve issues and it's the time before where you can treasure memories of your beloved ones!

If you are in this situation, as hard as it sounds, allow yourself to rest, eat, sleep and be yourself. Don't feels guilty when you're away from your loved one for a while. You will find you're stonger and much better support if you allow yourself to have sufficient time to rest and eat and sleep properly.
If you have family or friends supporting you, take turns on the bedside and take the opportunity to take care of yourself. Split the day into for example morning-, afternoon- and nightshifts and if possible make sure that yourself, and everyone that wishes so, has the chance to have (even a short time) with your beloved one to themselves. Sometimes people need to say things that they just can't when other people are around! Even when you're beloved one is not responding with and answer verbally or physically anymore, it's good to get things off your chest!

Don't think of the "last minute" as any more important than any other minute!!!


As unimaginable as it sounds at the time, life does go on after your beloved one passed away and you will need a hell lot of strengh to go through the next couple of days and weeks. This is where you will feel the benefit of sharing the care before and the grief after the death of the beloved one.

Once your beloved one has passed away, sit down and allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the grief. You're often so caught up in the process of caring on the bedside that once the person actually passed away the immediate grief is overwhelming. Make sure friends and family are around and take your time getting used to the situation. If friends offer their support, don't hold back and use it. Even little things like pick-up jobs, phonecalls or a delivering a take-away meal can leave you with time for more important things!

Everyone is experiencing and dealing with grief differently. It's normal to be very upset and to feel you're unable to do anything at all, even the slightest move might appear almost painful but it is as normal if you deal with the death almost mechanically and if you feel almost empty or feel you have no emotions at all and just "function" for the moment. Some people cry and some just can't cry. It is okay whatever way you're dealing with it. There is no write or wrong!
You're allowed to be upset that the person passed away, you're allowed to be angry that it has happend, you're allowed to feel betrayed and feel that it is all unfair and you're also allowed feel relieves that the person is not suffering anymore and that the wait for death to come is over. There is no reaction or emotion to be ashamed of! Don't hold back on any of them and don't bury them. Allow yourself to grief in your own way and at your own pace!

I wish everyone the strenght to work through their bereavement and hope that with time and patients they will never forget their loved ones but that the pain of the loss will ease!

Love
X

julias_jewel

Hiya,

Reading over your post was like reliving the last week of my nans life. She was in hospital for a month as she was diagnosed with lung cancer and as a family we made up a rota of taking turns of visiting her, for a chat and make sure she was comfortable before we left for the night.

The last 3 nights before she passed my mam slept out there as we knew the tme was coming. The day before she passed i was getting ready to go to the hospital when my bf told me to stop and he brought me for a drive to the next town.... He told me i needed to slow down and relax because the next week would be tough..

The next day she passed away with her whole family around her... Its weird that we all knew it was coming but when it did... it was like i couldnt breathe...

Looking back i know we should have eaten properly.... gone for walks to get proper excercise and fresh air rather then eaten in the cafeteria and just waiting around to go back up 2 the ward.....

I agree with your post OP... You have to look after yourself when your going through such hardship as you will need the strength :o:o