Bio Dad suddenly seeking guardianship of daughter.

metrovelvet

Daragh86 wrote: »

She does love her dad but no she doesn't love spending time in his house. This is getting off the point a bit because she will always see her dad until she gets to an age to decide either way for herself.

He is definately not looking for more responsibility, he is looking for decision making capabilities. I've said time and time again he doesn't in any way look after her. He has had so much oppertunity and will continue to have that oppertunity - no one is taking that away.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How bad a decision can he realistically make? If he has a mother who seems to be a big part of the childs life, surely she would be the voice of sense behind him tellling him what's right and wrong.

Daragh86 wrote: »

He is the kind who will go against everything that's good for her just to make a point because of the situation. From the quote above Chips this is exactly my point, with joint guardianship it doesn't matter if there is a voice of sence behind him telling him what's right and wrong - he will have the power to go against anything that makes sence.


I am giving up in here. I've said before that in most cases I am all for single father's rights but in some cases it's just not right and to tar everyone with the same brush is very narrow minded. I came here thinking logically looking for support and am leaving shocked and disappointed in some, in my personal opinion, absolutely shocking views. It is certainly not my business to put down or tear apart anyones opinions we're all entitled to them and it seems mine is definately the minority but in my head it is the right thing. Anyway this decision again as said before is not for me to make or influence so you can rest easy that this is the end of my involvement.

Thanks for the discussion and my apologies if I over stepped the mark or offended anyone, it was not my intention. Good luck!

I know it stinks. Its like he doesn't want to do the work but wants to have control.

It makes the other parent kind of feel like staff. It sucks but unfortunately, they are allowed to do this and the law allows them to leave all the responsibility to the mother 24/7 and still have control over the child and by default the mother.

Nothing anyone can do about it except accept it and maybe hope in the future you can help him to change for the sake of his daughter. But you will never ever have the same rights as he does.

Daragh86

metrovelvet wrote: »

I know it stinks. Its like he doesn't want to do the work but wants to have control.

It makes the other parent kind of feel like staff. It sucks but unfortunately, they are allowed to do this and the law allows them to leave all the responsibility to the mother 24/7 and still have control over the child and by default the mother.

Nothing anyone can do about it except accept it and maybe hope in the future you can help him to change for the sake of his daughter. But you will never ever have the same rights as he does.

Thanks for that post, that's pretty much all that was needed and is definately what is in my head. I'm not questioning the law just the sence behind it.

Anyhow, thanks metrovelvet!

smelltheglove

metrovelvet wrote: »

I know it stinks. Its like he doesn't want to do the work but wants to have control.

It makes the other parent kind of feel like staff. It sucks but unfortunately, they are allowed to do this and the law allows them to leave all the responsibility to the mother 24/7 and still have control over the child and by default the mother.

Nothing anyone can do about it except accept it and maybe hope in the future you can help him to change for the sake of his daughter. But you will never ever have the same rights as he does.

Its called the joys of parenting, it can happen in marriages also not just with single parents. Taking the decision to become a parent means you need to accept the fact that the other parent will influence your life and being mature about it means that both can make sacrifices to help the other parent out.

Darragh I am sorry you cannot share the view among most posters here that as a father he is entitled to custody. This is in the best interests of the child. You may not agree with his parenting methods or lack of but without the opportunity to learn he cannot improve.

I wonder though, when he makes a mistake do you pull him up on it, by you I mean you and your girlfriend making the decision to let him know he has been wrong. Is it a possibility that he is blind to the fact that he is out of order.

You say your child does not enjoy going to his house, there can be many reasons for this and since you have mentioned this fact I would like to share my experience with you in case it may be of help. My own daughter went through a stage of not wanting to see her daddy, at a similar age also, 4 years old. One thing was the fact that she would be away from her friends, she said she wanted my husband to be her daddy and that she didnt like going to daddys house as they didnt do anything. I did pull him up on it, in the nicest way possible. I told him everything she had said to me and although it cut through him like a knife when I gave him her reasons he understood, one reason being that his parents picked her up. I explained to him that she loved him very much and just wanted to spend more time with him and I would allow him anytime he wants. Honestly it was hard to do but ever since that day my daughter has not once asked to stay home, she looks forward to seeing her daddy and he is a much better father for it as he did not realise the errors he was making.

The Corinthian

Daragh86 wrote: »

Thanks for that post, that's pretty much all that was needed and is definately what is in my head. I'm not questioning the law just the sence behind it.

Glad you finally got the validation you were looking for.

smelltheglove wrote: »

Darragh I am sorry you cannot share the view among most posters here that as a father he is entitled to custody. This is in the best interests of the child. You may not agree with his parenting methods or lack of but without the opportunity to learn he cannot improve.

Guardianship yes, but not custody. Personally, and more correctly, I don't believe that either parent should be automatically entitled to custody, whatever about a bias in favour of at least one of them, above all others.

Nevyn

The Corinthian wrote: »

Not a terribly good stick though.

If guardianship rights are abused it will mean at worst some extra trips to the courts in the short term. Before long the belligerent guardian will have a record of needless and spiteful challenges and a judge will effectively disallow their ability to make another one for a certain period.

The same legal mechanism currently exists for custodial parents who bring the non-custodial one to court every two months for a variance on maintenance.

Depends no how much they bleat on and on about being a guardian and their entitlements and oppose the custodial parent for the sake of it and when they don't get their way go to the courts again and again, but then again that sort is a bully and find a way to do this even with out guardianship.

The Bio Dad getting guardianship may cause stress and make things more awkward for the new blended family the OP is planning with his partner but that is how it goes.

The Corinthian

Thaedydal wrote: »

Depends no how much the bleat on and on about being a guardian and their entitlements and oppose the custodial parent for the sake of it and when they don't get their way go to the courts again and again, but then again that sort is a bully and find a way to do this even with out guardianship.

I agree. My point was principally that guardianship really will not give such a bully all that much power - and what little power it does give can be neutered before long or even revoked.

Personally I find the need to legally coerce either parent a sad and self defeating exercise in all but the most extreme cases, but all too often that what ends up happening. Mother has custody, so the father begins to use money as a weapon. In return the mother uses access. Or either uses the courts.

What's worse is the vast majority of these situations have absolutely nothing to do with the child, but with the relationship the parents have: Mothers resent being left holding the baby. Fathers resent being treated as little more than ATM's. And so they end up seeking revenge on each other, despite the fact that their child becomes the cannon fodder.

To this end, I do think that evening out the playing field, in terms of rights, would help.

skregs

Here Darragh, if you want you can borrow my time machine to go back and save your bird from ever getting knocked up in the first place. Hopefully that will get all the sand out of your vagina

Khannie

skregs banned.

skregs

Worth it.

Nevyn

skregs permabanned.

padr81

Daragh86 wrote: »

There are no formal arrangements put in place in relation to maintenance, custody, etc. We have been very accomodating with his lack of a brain and so has his daughter, being let down by him constantly. It is far from ideal but we have tried to put everything in place we can to minimise the effect this has on the child - the most important part of all this.

I think I may have come to the wrong forum as most seem to be pro single father rights eventhough it's not the right thing to do.

In this situation nobody, especially me, is trying to take his daughter away from him, I in fact try my best to accomodate him but for him to seek joint guardianship for a child he has not actively shown an interest in or made an effort to do the right thing with is extremely frustrating, not just for me but more so for my girlfriend. She tries so hard to raise her daughter honestly and properly and this will all be for nothing if he gets joint guardianship. This isn't just an issue because of my presence, if I wasn't around my girlfriend would not want him having joint guardianship and he probably wouldn't be interested in her upbringing nevermind her guardianship - as I said previsouly he has only pulled his socks up since we moved into our house together, even at this he only takes her one day a week and most of that time she spends with his sister/mother/father.

I'm going to wrap this up now because it will only get out of hand and I think we've come to the conclusion that there is not much point in chasing this up in court but in ten years time when it matters we can always say we tried our best.

Thanks everyone for your help and advice.

No offence mate, but you came on here asking for advice and than when you don't get what you liked you just started bashing the childs dad.

You talk of "your family, with her and other kids". Bottom line is while you obviously love the child, shes not yours. I know that seems harsh but shes not, shes his. You seem to worry about you and the mothers family and not about his. What in the world makes you think your more entitled to her than him?

Quite simply, he is the childs father. You guys should go along with this and sign the forms cause all court will do is cause you guys alot of stress and he'll get his rights anyway.

In fact its in everyones best interests to get everything in black and white, not just guardianship, access, maintainance. Than if he does neglect his duties, not show up etc... legally ye are on a stronger footing than now.
Give the guy a chance though, he might suprise ye.

goat2

Thaedydal wrote: »

If you are going to fight it then you are going to need to talk to a family lawyer.

I can understand that he's not a wonderful example of a parent or an adult and it's not fair that any child should have to deal with less then optimal parenting but sometimes life is just not ideal or fair and all you can do it minimise it and support them the best you can.

must remember, blood is thicker that water, he is her father his bloodline, would inherit some of his traits, best say nothing, keep out of it, leave it to the childs mother to make decisions, the child deserves to know her father well also her relatives at his side just as much as she know her mothers side.

SineadMaria

Daragh86 wrote: »

There are so many reasons why we wouldn't want him to be joint guardian - all of the above and also we are planning to start a family shortly and in the case that something may happen to my girlfriend in the future he would have sole guardianship of her then and would remove her from what would be her family home with half brothers or sisters and a stable home. Coupled with him being an idiot, having no bed for her, no job, no home for her, etc.

While not wanting the dad to have joint guardianship may seem like a good solution to the issue for you and your girlfriend, it is not always in the best interest of the child especially after reading your posts, it appears that the child has a good relationship with her dad and grandparents. Also you seem to focusing on guardianship, there is a huge difference between guardianship and custody and if you take this to court there is no way to know what the outcome would be although the courts will look more favourably on the mother of the child. Why not try to sit down first with the dad and your girlfriend and try to come to some agreement around guardianship, custody etc and make the decision that is in the best interest of the child.