Accepting someone even though you don't fancy them

arsenallegend

I mean when a Girl says she fancies you and wants something to happen between the both of you but the guy doesn't really like the girl but is useless with women decides to say yes cause he might not have another chance in his life.

It happened to me once a few years back and It drove me nuts cause i knew i was doing wrong and the more serious it got the more depressed i got. Until i drove the girl i was with to break up with me cause i didn't have the guts to do it myself.

The sad thing is i probably would do it again. Every Woman who fancies me i don't fancy back while the women i fancy don't fancy me.

I just wanted to ask have any other guys on here found themselfs in the same situation?

Galvasean

NEVER compromise.

LilMsss

Galvasean wrote: »

NEVER compromise.

Agreed! If you compromise, or settle for someone you're not really interested in for the sake of a relationship, or security, or sex, or whatever the reason may be, you will end up deeply unhappy and potentially hurting someone you care about.

There is nothing wrong with being single for however long that may be, until you meet someone you really like, who likes you back. I have seen numerous people over the years who are so terrified of being on their own, that they are constantly in relationships, regardless of the quality or compatibility of the other person.

I have seen people line up their next relationship before finishing with the person they are with, so they can move seamlessly from one relationship to the next. But they are doing themselves a disservice.

Aside from the fact that you need space to deal with the end of a relationship, even if it was a negative one, if you settle for the next person who comes along, just cos they are there and giving you attention, then you'll never allow yourself to find someone you deserve, who you are absolutely crazy about, and who you have a chance of being happy with.

Delirium

You wouldn't have too much respect for yourself or the other person to be in a relationship like that.

You're getting into the relationship because he/she asked and you think that you might as well because you haven't managed to get into a relationship with someone who fancies you.

And what about the other person? Do they not deserve to be in a relationship with someone who would actually fancy them?

I'd imagine most people wouldn't be too happy they entered into a relationship with someone who had the attitude of 'well, they'll do.'

If you know you don't feel the same way about someone, have some backbone and tell them that. Don't be wasting their time letting them believe the relationship is something it's not.

EDIT: the 'you' in the above text isn't referring to the OP directly.

Nervous Wreck

Galvasean wrote: »

NEVER compromise.

Agreed. I did this once. Waste of a year and a very bad end to it too. Have refused to compromise since, which has resulted in epic bachelorism. At this stage, it's a little annoying being single but I'm just waiting for the right girl cos if it ain't perfect, then it ain't for me.

angelxx

It's worth waiting for the right person and it will happen. Starting a relationship just for the sake of being with someone is both pointless and unfair to both people involved. If you feel your compromising by being with someone it can never truly work. Take some time and it will happen when you least expect it.

Snoogans

It's incredibly unfair on the other person to not know what the score is, it's just so hurtful. I do know how this situation can come about, believe me, but once you realise what you're soing is wrong, it has to stop right there. Suck it up and do it- you'll be surprised how easy it is once you get the guts to do so, and it'll leave you feeling infinitely less grimy than just forcing her to break it off with you- demonising yourself since it's easier than being a man about stuff.
Also, explaining you're only in the market for a shag or whatever often goes down surprisingly well, and with quite a degree of understanding.

fionav3

Speaking as someone who was in the other role of your predicament, I can tell you now, please don't do it. Everyone else who told you to never settle is right, but you need to think of the girl too. I spent almost a year in a relationship with what I thought was a great guy and fell in love only to be dumped because he was tired of me. Turns out, I was just someone to pass the time with. :cool: A year later, I'm still trying to deal with the heartbreak and the humiliation of being used like that so please don't do it...it isn't fair on you and it certainly isn't fair on the other party.

Pherekydes

Galvasean wrote: »

NEVER compromise.

Jeez, who wants to be celibate at 50?

elleburp

I was seeing a guy last year who told me after 3 months that he simply didn't fancy me on the same level as I fancied him. It wasn't a nice thing to hear and he probably could have been a little gentler about it but I have to respect his honesty.

CiaranC

Galvasean wrote: »

NEVER compromise.

What happens when your missus gets old and saggy and ugly?

Abi

Galvasean wrote: »

NEVER compromise.

+1


It's simple as that. I made the 'settle for' mistake, don't ever do that again OP. It only delays the chances of you finding someone that is right for you, and for the girl you're with at the time.


I spent a long time with the wrong guy, and for the wrong reasons.


Get brave, and move on

princess-lala

Oh seriously! Why date these women if your not attracted to them?

Handsome Bob

Never be in a relationship that your heart is not 100% in. It's not fair on anyone, especially your partner because chances are it will be obvious that you are just going through the motions. That's a horrible feeling to experience, no-one likes to be made to feel like a stop gap for someone.

Red Hand

LZ5by5 wrote: »

Never be in a relationship that your heart is not 100% in. It's not fair on anyone, especially your partner because chances are it will be obvious that you are just going through the motions. That's a horrible feeling to experience, no-one likes to be made to feel like a stop gap for someone.

+1

Either be with someone cause you love being with them or else let them go.

Nobody likes being the back-up battery while their partner finds the mains.

Black Dog

CiaranC wrote: »

What happens when your missus gets old and saggy and ugly?

You will also be old and saggy and ugly so you will continue to be the perfect couple.

Eve_Dublin

arsenallegend wrote: »

The sad thing is i probably would do it again. Every Woman who fancies me i don't fancy back while the women i fancy don't fancy me.

WHY would you do it again though??? Have you not learned your lesson? Sleeping with someone you don´t really fancy, well, we´ve all done that but going out with someone you don´t fancy....why? Is being single really that awful?

elleburp

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

WHY would you do it again though??? Have you not learned your lesson? Sleeping with someone you don´t really fancy, well, we´ve all done that but going out with someone you don´t fancy....why? Is being single really that awful?

I'd have thought that by being single you're at least keeping the door open in case someone does come along that fancies you as much as you fancy them?

Surely by taking yourself off the singles market you're hindering any chance of ever finding that person?


*the term 'you' in not directed at anyone in particular in my post

johnmacward

No it ain't a good idea, it's not that difficult to be straight with someone and both of you will get over it way quicker that you think. Like others have been saying above, you'll be in a much better position to find the right person if you're freed up. There's way to many people out there for you to make the mistake of picking the wrong one. And for those women what fancy you the same rule applies, they'll find someone else.

Galvasean

CiaranC wrote: »

What happens when your missus gets old and saggy and ugly?

Because by then you are madly, deeply and unashamedly in love and looks are no longer important.

at least i hope so

CdeC

I agree never compromise but no harm in going on a few dates and see where it goes.
It's not all lightning strike love like in the movies. sometimes after you get to know someone you start to like them more and more.
But after a few dates and still nada...move on.

The Corinthian

Galvasean wrote: »

NEVER compromise.

In the Real World you'll ALWAYS compromise, because no matter how attractive, intelligent, fun or otherwise compatible you are with someone there will ALWAYS be something 'wrong' with them. In reality, it is not so much a question of compromise or not, but how much one compromises. Too much and you end up like the OP, too little and you end up alone (until you hit your mid to late thirties, panic and take the first mammal that comes along).

Black Dog wrote: »

You will also be old and saggy and ugly so you will continue to be the perfect couple.

Often doesn't work that way, I'm afraid, and it's called the mid-life crisis. While most famous in men, women get this too, and while they may know in theory that they've grown older, along with their significant other, inside they're still 25.

Black Dog

"Often doesn't work that way, I'm afraid, and it's called the mid-life crisis. While most famous in men, women get this too, and while they may know in theory that they've grown older, along with their significant other, inside they're still 25."


Corinthian, I should count myself fortunate then as after 30 years she is still with me. As for me, I really don't think anybody else would have me.

Pembily

arsenallegend wrote: »

I mean when a Girl says she fancies you and wants something to happen between the both of you but the guy doesn't really like the girl but is useless with women decides to say yes cause he might not have another chance in his life.

It happened to me once a few years back and It drove me nuts cause i knew i was doing wrong and the more serious it got the more depressed i got. Until i drove the girl i was with to break up with me cause i didn't have the guts to do it myself.

The sad thing is i probably would do it again. Every Woman who fancies me i don't fancy back while the women i fancy don't fancy me.

I just wanted to ask have any other guys on here found themselfs in the same situation?

I was in the same situation, I thought I was uber happy and I made myself believe it was right and I was going to marry him and live happily ever after cause I was afraid I would never find a guy "as good as him", I compromised WAY WAY TOO much for him and after being single for 6 months I can see how fcuked up being in a bad relationship made me!!!

While no one wants to be alone, I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where I wasn't happy and I gave the other person false hope... If you can't find girls who fancy you, you are looking too hard or for the wrong people!!!! Its not fair to settle "just cause"!!!

Be true to yourself and to your partner!!! While you shouldn't be getting butterflies everday you should get them occassionally no matter how long ye are together!!! My parents are together 30 years and still occassionally do!!!!

The Corinthian

Black Dog wrote: »

Corinthian, I should count myself fortunate then as after 30 years she is still with me. As for me, I really don't think anybody else would have me.

Maybe you are, but all I said is many fall foul to the mid-life crisis - not all or even a majority. Indeed, I suspect most who end up with some sort of mid-life realization that they're no longer 25 are more likely just to do something like buy a sports car or join an amateur drama group.

I did that about a year ago. I ended up hurting more people than I would have than by just staying alone. I really regret what I did, but at least now I realise that being alone is nowhere near as bad as being with the wrong person.

big b

Stringing someone along just because there's no-one better on the horizon would be pretty shallow & mean.

Sometimes "treat others as you'd like to be treated" leaves you open to being taken advantage of, but other times it's just the right thing to do.

LegacyUser

In my opinion and bitter experience you should never compromise on initial attraction. A few times I fell for women I initially didnt feel attraction to but whose personalities attracted me as I got to know them. Things went ok for a while in these relationships, - in one case, we spent/wasted five years together. However when daily grind takes its toll and the 'brilliant conversations' become mundane life stuff, in my opinion you need to still fancy the pants off each other to stay together. It's what makes you put up with the crap things people do and still love them; it gets you over the bad patches.
In every case I eventually bailed, leaving hurt and anger behind. I caused it by becoming involved with women I didnt particularly fancy.
Compromises have to be made in every relationship unless you (I dont mean OP) want to end up alone but this is one which I think shouldnt even be considered.
Probably going to be shot now for being shallow but it was trying to see past the physical/attractiveness compatibility which got me in trouble.