Wife wants a third baby, I dont

BoardsMember

So this is the situation: we have two boys, a 5 year old and a two year old. My wife wants a third child, I dont. I've always said that come the time, if she really wants a third then I'll go for it. But now that conversation is near & present, and the thought of it terrifies me.

Ok, so terrify is a bit strong. I love my kids, love spending time with them, I'm a pretty involved Dad. Our first was a dream, great sleeper / eater / calm baby. Our second was the complete opposite.

I'll try and set out my reasons for not wanting a third, as much for my own benefit as anyone elses, and maybe so that people can set me straight if they are mad reasons:

• we're just getting back to a normal life after a torrid first year with number two
• we're really happy and able to manage with 2 (most of the time!)
• wife has had 2 sections, will 99% likely have to have a third section
• financially we're getting by now, but only just, a third child would be an additional expense
• my job is not that secure, not too happy about having a third child when this is the case
• wife approaching 40, chances of "not normal" baby increased, which would completely change our future

Basically, I am happy with our lot and just dont see the need for a third. But my wife has the idea that a family of three kids is much better than two. She's from a family of two, I'm one of three. She'd also like a daughter, which I totally understand.

I think we'll continue to talk about it, I'll basically be trying to second guess her reasons & point out reasons for against having another, but all the time I know that if she really does want to go for it I'll support her. I'm sure if she gets pregnant then we'd just both look forward to the arrival and get on with it, but I'd prefer to leave well alone.

So has anyone else been at this crossroads? I'd be really interested to hear peoples' views if they have anything contructive to offer. Are there valid arguments one way or another, or does it just boil down to: one parent wants another, the other doesnt, one has to get their way.

BoardsMember

Thanks thaedydal, sorry, thought it was in the Parenting forum?

Nevyn

Sorry I had PI and parenting open site by side, guess I should go have another cup of coffee

littlebug

We would have been at similar ages and stage when needed to decide on having a third or not. That said, we had always said we'd have two but I did start to get a bit broody at about 37/ 38 but any mention of another one led to such a look of horror on my husbands face that I didn't push the issue! A couple of years later and I (we) love the freedom of not having babies/ toddlers. Being in our 40s now and having time and energy for ourselves and hobbies is wonderful.
I do sometimes wonder what another child would have been like but more in a curious than a yearning way.
Our reasons against were similar to yours but maybe in different order.
1. Risks (already had one premature baby so that in itself was a risk factor as well as age related risks).
2. As well as health risks to me/ baby we couldn't risk having another one that didn't sleep and cried constantly for 1.5 years or more for fear of nervous/ marital breakdown.
3. Finance: things were just settling again financially and another one would rock that boat big time... not in how much it would cost but lack of my earnings though we would have managed.

So all quite similar to you with the exception of me being for the most part in agreement on not having another child. Having a girl and boy already probably made it easier. All of that said if we'd had another we'd have been grand I'm sure. As a women I can say that when those instincts kick in they can be hard to suppress Why don't you and your wife sit down together and write out lists of pros and cons as above to get a good understanding of the others point of view.
I do think it should be a joint decision rather than one person getting their own way.

BoardsMember

Thanks for taking the time to respond littlebug. I'll work on the look of horror for my face and see if that helps change her mind

Seriously though, I think it is only going to go one way, i.e. her way. If we already had a girl and a boy I dont think this would be an issue. This is understandable, but also raises alarm bells - if we have another boy, another one who doesn't sleep & cries all the time and can never be put down etc I dont know if either of us would handle it very well. The strain that change would put on us, not to mention the ongoing financial strain, as well as the other things like cost of holidays, hassle of going anywhere and doing anything etc.

gbee

• wife approaching 40, chances of "not normal" baby increased, which would completely change our future.

And with the history you already have, I'd be worried. I'd not recommend going further.

I think it's a case of pushing your luck.

I've five grown up children now, great, but I wanted to stop at two, too, I was tricked by my wife ... but then again my wife was only 30 on her last baby.

Nevyn

I'm only 35 I could have more but two was more then enough esp when the youngest started school, I just could not go back and do the sleepless nights and nappies ect again.
I know I have of late gotten broody a handful of times but I have nieces and friends are starting to have kids.

Got handed a 9 week old for a squeeze a few weeks back and the feel of him in my arms and the baby smell and the tiny hands had me go slightly gooey but then I remembered the stress and smell of soiled nappys and baby vomit so I handed him back to his Mam.

So do you know anyone with a 1 year old or under who'd lend it to you that you could offer to mind for the day?

BoardsMember

Thaedydal wrote: »

So do you know anyone with a 1 year old or under who'd lend it to you that you could offer to mind for the day?

The only one I know of is a 6 month old. A girl. And she is the most placcid thing on earth, not the "spoiler" I am looking for. A lot of our friends have had kids around the same time as us, but nobody has a third. Yet.

Penny Lane

It's a tough situation, I mean you can't go halves on a child! I think the best ye can do is go at it from the logical point of view and do a pro's and con's list.

BoardsMember

Penny Lane wrote: »

It's a tough situation, I mean you can't go halves on a child! I think the best ye can do is go at it from the logical point of view and do a pro's and con's list.

That's a sensible suggestion alright. Without pre-empting the outcome, she'll accept all my cons, and I'll accept her pro's. It's pretty much where we're at based on conversations to date!

OS119

Penny Lane wrote: »

It's a tough situation, I mean you can't go halves on a child! I think the best ye can do is go at it from the logical point of view and do a pro's and con's list.

the only pro's and con's that matter - once you know you can have a child, and can feed it and house it - are 'do you want a child?'.

Him.
Pro's: it would make wife happy (assuming they had a daughter?)
cons: he doesn't want one.

Her.
Pro's: she wants one.
cons: it would make husband unhappy.

as you say, there's no middle ground, there's no compromise - not only will one party win, but the other will lose - and in a big way.

unfortunately its unlikely to be a 'stand-alone' issue within the marriage - is the marriage strong enough to cope with one side not getting what they really, really want (child/no child) by the other side, is the desire to have/not to have another child so strong that one side or the other might deceive the other in order to get what they want, is it just going to degenerate into a nightmare of bitterness and recrimination?

OP, something someone with few scruples might suggest to you to have a vasectomy and just fail to tell your wife - you could then pretend to be persuaded to her point of view, go at it hammer and tongs and just not produce the goods. everyone would be happy(ish), you're happy that you didn't have a third child, she's happy that you gave it a go.

of course i'd never suggest deception/white lie as an answer to your problem, but i don't think there is a good answer to your problem...

Stheno

Have you tried being less wishy washy in talking to her?

Have you actually said all of what you have said above, in very clear terms? I.e. I do not want another baby for x y and z reasons?

BoardsMember

@OS119 - re the vasectomy, I was joking with her about it last night, not really a path I'd like to go down vis a vis "open-ness & tranparency"!!

@Stheno - I haven't been wishy washy talking to her at all, I have said all the above and more.

The reason I posted this is to see had other people been in similar situations, or if they could provide constructive advice/reaction to our situation. It was not to use Boards as a way to get this all off my chest, while my wife remains ignorant to my feelings.

I would not see myself as losing if we end up having a kid, it will not jeopardise the marriage whichever way we decide this, because it will be decided upon together.

Nevyn

Well if she wants another child and you don't want to gamble on the dna issues or her health with the sections and how hard the first 6 months can be, why not consider fostering?

BoardsMember

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well if she wants another child and you don't want to gamble on the dna issues or her health with the sections and how hard the first 6 months can be, why not consider fostering?

I dont see us as foster parents to be honest. I also think she really wants another baby, her own baby.

Khannie

Some other things to consider:

The 3rd is harder than the first two IMO. I was warned about this in advance and thought it would be nonsense. "ah sure it's just another one". Nope. A few doors get closed when you have 3 kids. Mostly on the babysitting front. Holidaying becomes more difficult too (not so many 2+3 holidays available).

I didn't really want another baby when we went for number 3. It was a compromise. Wife wanted a baby and I wanted to wait a while. She's a stay at home mum and knew that the majority of the burden would fall on her (I have to train in the evenings quite a bit, though this will come to an end in the next 2 years or so), so I thought about it for a bit and we went for it. While it's been tough there's no way I'd go back. Sure there are downsides, but the positives outweigh them for me. We'll face a similar predicament to you in a few years. We'll go again in about 18 months I'd say. The big question will come at around 38 ish on whether or not we want number 5. It's looking highly likely that she wont and I will.

OS119 wrote: »

the only pro's and con's that matter - once you know you can have a child, and can feed it and house it - are 'do you want a child?'.

Him.
Pro's: (assuming they had a daughter?)
cons: he doesn't want one.

Her.
Pro's: she wants one.
cons: it would make husband unhappy.

as you say, there's no middle ground, there's no compromise - not only will one party win, but the other will lose - and in a big way.

I think it's more nuanced than that..... It's not an even sense of loss for both sides:

If they have a baby, she's happy and he will get some joy from the baby too and will love it unconditionally. That just happens, except in a very small number of cases. It *may* make the husband unhappy, but it doesn't sound like a given based on what I've read. If they don't have the baby, she will definitely be unhappy, the extent of which is difficult to gauge in advance.

BoardsMember

@Khanie - thanks for taking them time to post that, it pretty much hits the nail on the head. I have told her that the 3rd is quite a bit harder, I know this from colleagues that have third babies. She's actually not 100% sure that she wants one, but is pretty close. She can see the downsides, but she doesn't want to reach mid forties and then realise it is something she really wants and cant change it.

She'd obviously prefer a daughter, we both would, but she wont be disappointed with a son. As you sya, I'll deffo love a baby if we have it, but I also think that she wont be desperately unhappy if she doesn't have one, she'll just get on with it.

One other thing that has just come to mind, 2 is ok to give to grandparents, 3 is a bit much. Another "con" for me!!

LashingLady

Oh my goodness I am two weeks off having my second and I hope that I don't get broody for a third, I'm definitely stoppoing at 2 and I'm only 31!

But that said I have a feeling that when this baby gets to 4 or 5 I could possibly be yearning for another one, but I kinda know that my husband would definitely not be into the idea, and I really think that the fact that this one is a girl and I have a boy already would stop me from pushing the issue.

There just seems to be something about mothers and daughters, especially if your wife has a close relationship with her own mother, it's something that a lot of women want to experience for themselves.

I think you kinda know that if your wife REALLY REALLY wants to try for another one then it's a want that's going to be there and not go away, and as you say, once baby arrives you'll be delighted with them too. But I can only imagine the apprehension when you've already had a "difficult" baby second time round (our first wasn't a sleeper so hoping by the laws of averages that this one will be, fingers crossed....)

BoardsMember

LashingLady wrote: »

There just seems to be something about mothers and daughters, especially if your wife has a close relationship with her own mother, it's something that a lot of women want to experience for themselves.

She does, incredibly close.

LashingLady wrote: »

I think you kinda know that if your wife REALLY REALLY wants to try for another one then it's a want that's going to be there and not go away, and as you say, once baby arrives you'll be delighted with them too. But I can only imagine the apprehension when you've already had a "difficult" baby second time round (our first wasn't a sleeper so hoping by the laws of averages that this one will be, fingers crossed....)

good luck!! and bookmark this post for whenever you get broody in the future

Khannie

BoardsMember wrote: »

One other thing that has just come to mind, 2 is ok to give to grandparents, 3 is a bit much. Another "con" for me!!

Yeah, that's what I meant by the babysitting bit. Now our youngfella isn't so young any more, so he's no trouble really. A year from now we may be back into babysitting territory. When number 4 arrives along though at some point in the future I just know that's the end of that.

dr ro

i know 3 families that ended up with 4 boys while trying for a girl after 2 or 3. A lot of tears. Lots. Not really a great reason to keep going, cause 4 boys are a handful!

LashingLady

dr ro wrote: »

i know 3 families that ended up with 4 boys while trying for a girl after 2 or 3. A lot of tears. Lots. Not really a great reason to keep going, cause 4 boys are a handful!

I love my little boy, but I would hate to be the only female in a family of 4 or 5 men! If you do decide to go for it I would give The Shettles Method a good look. In a nutshell you have to monitor ovulation and don't Do the Deed after 3 days prior to ovulation, to try to make sure that the strong but short-lived male sperm are all dead by the time the egg shows up. While I didn't consciously practice this the premise worked for me! (Although I do have a blue babygro packed in the hospital bag just in case the sonographer got it wrong!)

{And thanks for the tip, think I will bookmark this thread!}

cynder

LashingLady wrote: »

I In a nutshell you have to monitor ovulation and don't Do the Deed after 3 days prior to ovulation, to try to make sure that the strong but short-lived male sperm are all dead by the time the egg shows up. !}

Oh yeh worked for me too....

1 girl and 2 boys and no more.


im 30 and my 3rd is a handful he has a speech and language delay, but i wouldnt change him for the world. his 11 year old sister is a bigger handful.

Chuchu

This is an interesting thread, our little one is just gone one and we know we'll be having another in a few years but I'd KILL for a boy this time!! (needless to say would be happy with a healthy happy child though!).
I'd be worried this is exactly what would happen to us after 2 if it was two girls, but as other posters have said 3 really does make a big difference to so many aspects of your life... anyone else have experience of that Shettles method working? Reason I ask is that we thankfully got pregnant easily enough first time so it was only with hindsight I looked at dates and days etc and thought it'd be a boy but it twas a girl (even though she's quite a boisterous one!!:D)
Did anyone see that programme recently about women with from 4 to 10:eek: kids (all boys) that just kept going until they got a girl?? It was nuts!!

cynder

Chuchu wrote: »

This is an interesting thread, our little one is just gone one and we know we'll be having another in a few years but I'd KILL for a boy this time!! (needless to say would be happy with a healthy happy child though!).
I'd be worried this is exactly what would happen to us after 2 if it was two girls, but as other posters have said 3 really does make a big difference to so many aspects of your life... anyone else have experience of that Shettles method working? Reason I ask is that we thankfully got pregnant easily enough first time so it was only with hindsight I looked at dates and days etc and thought it'd be a boy but it twas a girl (even though she's quite a boisterous one!!:D)
Did anyone see that programme recently about women with from 4 to 10:eek: kids (all boys) that just kept going until they got a girl?? It was nuts!!

My husband is the 5th child and the only boy, (wasnt i the evil one taking away their only son:D)

I think 3 is ok 4 would be a bit much as you would have to buy a 7 seater and double up on rooms. We wanted (husband) wanted 5 kids but after the 3rd we are happy. but who knowis 7 years that might change (we are only 30 after all)

Khannie

grindelwald wrote: »

4 would be a bit much as you would have to buy a 7 seater and double up on rooms.

Yeah, the youngfella is a bit squashed in our car at the moment. Wouldn't mind the change to a 7 seater though. I just know I'm gonna be proper broody a year from now.

The room sharing thing I would consider positive to be honest. I was always jealous of siblings who got to do that (I'm the only boy in my family and my sisters are both a good bit older than me). I suppose the grass is always greener.

Craven99

I am in almost exactly the same situation - I have 2 boys (5 and 6) and both have just started school.
My wife has gotten very broody - mainly because of other family members having babies. She was very clear about wanting another child.
I was very happy with what we have - I am also very involved with my boys. I play with them every ebvening, read to them every night - have at least one day of the weekend when we head off together.
My wife did have some pretty serious complication after the last birth which are still effecting her to this day.
So I just sat down with her and was as direct as possible and put my points across. I was happy, we were just beginning to get some time to ourselves again, we were just managing financially and I had no desire to have another one.
She understands but was disappointed which is fair enough. I do also believe part of her desire is that she comes from a family of 2 kids and always wanted more siblings.

BoardsMember

Thanks Craven99, appreciate your response.

Craven99

No worries - was scary how close our situations are!

rachaelf750

I have 2 and my hubby is the one who wants to go again,but I just love our family the way it is.
I will always remeber what a freind said to me,"2 you have a life,3 you have a life sentance" due to the fact that you will never get babysitting for 3 kids outside your family home and you willl deff never have an adults only holiday ever again..EVER;)

kewpiegal

I feel for you! I would hate to be "talked" into a child, maybe you shoukd show her this thread and open real lines of communication. The longer you wait the older you both are getting, and if health issues worry you, then it will only get worse, hope you come to a happy conclusion, best of luck!