Wife wants a third baby, I dont

cbyrd

We went down this road.. i for 4 years longed for another one.. i thought i'd be happy with my 2 girls but i just really really wanted another one. My husband didnt' so i went along with him.
It eventually made me desperately unhappy, and by extention it made everyone unhappy, so we agreed to try in feb last year.. then my dad got sick in march and we said no we won't cos there's too much going on in my life to cope with a new baby..imagine my surprise in april at the positive pregnancy test!!
Ben is now 8 months old, my girls are 11 and 8, they adore him as does his daddy and our lives are so much better. i've become a stay at home mammy and i love it, going back to the nappies and bottles wasnt' a problem cos this is my son, my child and like the other children i have i would lay down my life for them.
My husbands main reason for not wanting another one was money firstly and time (both of us working full-time) but as i pointed out to him we were broke when we had the first little girl and now we have so much more.
One thing i remember being told was it's better to have one then to regret not having one..
I'm now thinking of a number four... wait til i tell himself!! hahaha:D:D
Good luck with your decision it's not an easy one, just make sure it's one you can both live with..

dan_d

rachaelf750 wrote: »

and you willl deff never have an adults only holiday ever again..EVER;)

Exaggeration??:p I'm the eldest of 4, the youngest is just 19, and my parents have spent the last 3-4 years begging us to go on holidays with them.My parents are now in their mid-fifties. They've been on their own holidays-wise for at least 4 years, and often before that if they went on short breaks.

Finance is fair enough, but there was a whole generation of people in the eighties when things were much worse, and they still had kids....

I'll say no more, as I'm not a parent, but had to just qualify the holidays thing!

PhysiologyRocks

People are also saying that you'll never find a babysitter for three.

I babysat for three from the age of 14 (they were 3,5 and 7) and now often babysit for families with 5 under 5 - and none of these are my family.

I don't have the authority to comment on the rest, though.

BoardsMember

Thanks for all the comments people. I dont thinkeither of us is going to get talked into anything. It is and will be openly discussed, and my wife will be reading this thread too, part of the reason I wanted to start it in the first place.

Re babysitting, I think some people were referring to giving 3 to grandparents being a stretch, 2 is just about all mine would handle anyhow.

Noffles

If you don't want another one... don't have one... it would be a very daft compromise as you'll have to live with it for as long as you live...
When it comes right down to it don't do something you don't want to do! Someone posted above that they wanted one and they were unhappy then they made the whole house unhappy, how completely selfish is this.... self ****ing self... they should think of the whole family not themselves!

BoardsMember

Noffles wrote: »

If you don't want another one... don't have one... it would be a very daft compromise as you'll have to live with it for as long as you live...
When it comes right down to it don't do something you don't want to do! Someone posted above that they wanted one and they were unhappy then they made the whole house unhappy, how completely selfish is this.... self ****ing self... they should think of the whole family not themselves!

It's not quite as straightforward as that. If things stay the way they are now, I get my way and my wife doesn't.

The complexity is that there really is no room for compromise in the traditional sense. So we need to work out how sad she might be with this outcome over time, and evaluate that against how much I dread the idea of having another.

The additional complication is that if we do have a third, it would be unusual if I did not love the baby, so it is not really the case that if we have it that she will be happy and I will be unhapy.

The thing that worries me most is that if we do go ahead with it, and God forbid something happens to her, or that the baby is not 100% healthy & normal, that leaves the potential for a lot of burning resentment at having done something that I felt in my gut all along was not right for us. That's what bothers me most. I can cope with the sleepless nights, the additional cost (we'll find a way of managing), and all the other pressures, hassles & restrictions that a third will bring. But if it completely turns everything upside down by not being normal & healthy then it might cause us serious issues, much as I'd like to believe I would be bigger and beyond that, I could see it niggling away like a splinter over the years.

Noffles

BoardsMember wrote: »

It's not quite as straightforward as that. If things stay the way they are now, I get my way and my wife doesn't.

The complexity is that there really is no room for compromise in the traditional sense. So we need to work out how sad she might be with this outcome over time, and evaluate that against how much I dread the idea of having another.

The additional complication is that if we do have a third, it would be unusual if I did not love the baby, so it is not really the case that if we have it that she will be happy and I will be unhapy.

The thing that worries me most is that if we do go ahead with it, and God forbid something happens to her, or that the baby is not 100% healthy & normal, that leaves the potential for a lot of burning resentment at having done something that I felt in my gut all along was not right for us. That's what bothers me most. I can cope with the sleepless nights, the additional cost (we'll find a way of managing), and all the other pressures, hassles & restrictions that a third will bring. But if it completely turns everything upside down by not being normal & healthy then it might cause us serious issues, much as I'd like to believe I would be bigger and beyond that, I could see it niggling away like a splinter over the years.

It may not be straightforward but in the end, it is black and white... if you have another baby your wife has got waht she wanted and you have not...

But it's easy for me to say it's you who has to deal with it all... good luck with whatever you decide.

littlebug

Noffles wrote: »

It may not be straightforward but in the end, it is black and white... if you have another baby your wife has got waht she wanted and you have not...
.

and if they don't then he has got what he wanted and she has not . I don't know where you see the black and white?

droidman

Just had to reply to this thread - seems like you are in a pickle alright but as regards a vasectomy for anybody considering it - it's not something you could sneak off and do without her knowing as you'll be crippled for a couple of days afterwards and there will be obvious signs - bruising swelling etc - it's not pleasant!

Anyway if you did decide to get one, have some of "the goods" frozen for later. I can only speak from my own terrible experience but we had 2 kids, married for 9 years, both decided not to have anymore for personal and health reasons for her. 6 months after it, she fecked off with the kids, divorce in the works & now I'm back to square one with no kids (save for the usual weekend visits).

So again for anyone considering it, it's a remote chance your marriage could fail but you just never know so take out the insurance policy in case you have to start again with somebody else.

Good luck whatever your decesion!

BoardsMember

droidman wrote: »

Just had to reply to this thread - seems like you are in a pickle alright but as regards a vasectomy for anybody considering it - it's not something you could sneak off and do without her knowing as you'll be crippled for a couple of days afterwards and there will be obvious signs - bruising swelling etc - it's not pleasant!

Anyway if you did decide to get one, have some of "the goods" frozen for later. I can only speak from my own terrible experience but we had 2 kids, married for 9 years, both decided not to have anymore for personal and health reasons for her. 6 months after it, she fecked off with the kids, divorce in the works & now I'm back to square one with no kids (save for the usual weekend visits).

So again for anyone considering it, it's a remote chance your marriage could fail but you just never know so take out the insurance policy in case you have to start again with somebody else.

Good luck whatever your decesion!

Thanks for your post, sorry to hear of your troubles, good luck with the next one if she arrives. I wouldnt do one on the sly myself, that would be a terrible thing to do.

BostonB

Been there not too long ago, and its one of those big decisions you make in life. A fork in the road. Our 3rd was and is the easiest of them all. Mind you we had a few tough years with the others. So it was a tough call. Worried sick yes, but we both wanted to do it. Which is slightly different. Though I suspect, if there was no risk, you'd be all for it. Good luck which ever you decide.

Craven99

As a follow on to my previous reply....

I read that some people think this is one person wins and one person looses situation - I don't agree with that.

As I said I don't want any more kids for a numebr of reasons and my wife does. She understands the situation but would never say she was unhappy or make things awkward as she counts her blessings (as do I) that we have 2 wonderful kids!
Now we had a 'scare' about 9 months ago when we were pretty sure she was pregnant, was my reaction horror or sadness or upset?? No way! A child is a blessing in my mind and I would hate to start off a life by resenting it.
I guess what I am saying that my CHOICE is not to have another child, and I am very happy as things are right now and would not by CHOICE want to change anything.
As I said things are now settling down, my wife and myself get some time together, I can really interact and spend quality time with my children and also have a bit to myself, I would not want to change that but if, by whatever reason my wife got pregnant, then I would adjust and accept that.

BoardsMember

Craven99 wrote: »

As a follow on to my previous reply....

I read that some people think this is one person wins and one person looses situation - I don't agree with that.

As I said I don't want any more kids for a numebr of reasons and my wife does. She understands the situation but would never say she was unhappy or make things awkward as she counts her blessings (as do I) that we have 2 wonderful kids!
Now we had a 'scare' about 9 months ago when we were pretty sure she was pregnant, was my reaction horror or sadness or upset?? No way! A child is a blessing in my mind and I would hate to start off a life by resenting it.
I guess what I am saying that my CHOICE is not to have another child, and I am very happy as things are right now and would not by CHOICE want to change anything.
As I said things are now settling down, my wife and myself get some time together, I can really interact and spend quality time with my children and also have a bit to myself, I would not want to change that but if, by whatever reason my wife got pregnant, then I would adjust and accept that.

I think we're pretty much on the same wavelength to be honest

The Corinthian

gbee wrote: »

I've five grown up children now, great, but I wanted to stop at two, too, I was tricked by my wife ... but then again my wife was only 30 on her last baby.

Seriously, how many times were you 'tricked' by your wife to go from two to five? The expression "fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice shame on me" springs to mind.

cbyrd

Craven99 wrote: »

As a follow on to my previous reply....

I read that some people think this is one person wins and one person looses situation - I don't agree with that.

As I said I don't want any more kids for a numebr of reasons and my wife does. She understands the situation but would never say she was unhappy or make things awkward as she counts her blessings (as do I) that we have 2 wonderful kids!
Now we had a 'scare' about 9 months ago when we were pretty sure she was pregnant, was my reaction horror or sadness or upset?? No way! A child is a blessing in my mind and I would hate to start off a life by resenting it.
I guess what I am saying that my CHOICE is not to have another child, and I am very happy as things are right now and would not by CHOICE want to change anything.
As I said things are now settling down, my wife and myself get some time together, I can really interact and spend quality time with my children and also have a bit to myself, I would not want to change that but if, by whatever reason my wife got pregnant, then I would adjust and accept that.

This is what happened to us, and not as was implied by another poster that i was a selfish self ****self, i wasn't like a crying vengeful woman cos i didn't get my own way, but i wasn't as happy as i am now, as we BOTH are now. I was sad inside and felt my usefulness was at its limit.

A lot of thing in our life changed because of number 3 and we have a much happier less stressful life for it. I firmly believe we would still be working like maniacs (neither job is affected by the recesion) and have no time for the 2 we already have, but we had to make a conscious decision about how our lives were going to move on for the next few years, and we actually had to make a plan of action and thank god we did..

As i had said we BOTH decided to give it a try and then we BOTH decided not to when our situation changed. I would never have pushed my husband into a situation he didn't want.

I had ample opportunity to 'accidently' get pregnant(7 year gap) but i have too much respect for him to do this. He knew how much i wanted another one and through discussion we ironed out the issues that worried him the most his financial worries and figuring out how we'd cope with the work aspect.

Once this was sorted out by talking to each other and ironing out our differences it was an easy decision to make. We both love kids and even though we said we were going to try in the end it was a surprise.
If we couldn't have agreed, i wouldn't have pressured him into it

If it was because he didn't want another child that's very different to worrying that you don't have the financial and emotional wherewithall to cope with another child. the dilemma we faced was will we or won't we, not he definately doesn't want one and i definately do.

Our first 2 weren't planned the 3rd kinda was.. but if it happened again, i'd bang my head on a wall for 2 minutes and get on with it..
What's meant for you won't pass you.. good or bad :rolleyes:

Noffles

cbyrd wrote: »

This is what happened to us, and not as was implied by another poster that i was a selfish self ****self, i wasn't like a crying vengeful woman cos i didn't get my own way, but i wasn't as happy as i am now, as we BOTH are now. I was sad inside and felt my usefulness was at its limit.

A lot of thing in our life changed because of number 3 and we have a much happier less stressful life for it. I firmly believe we would still be working like maniacs (neither job is affected by the recesion) and have no time for the 2 we already have, but we had to make a conscious decision about how our lives were going to move on for the next few years, and we actually had to make a plan of action and thank god we did..

As i had said we BOTH decided to give it a try and then we BOTH decided not to when our situation changed. I would never have pushed my husband into a situation he didn't want.

I had ample opportunity to 'accidently' get pregnant(7 year gap) but i have too much respect for him to do this. He knew how much i wanted another one and through discussion we ironed out the issues that worried him the most his financial worries and figuring out how we'd cope with the work aspect.

Once this was sorted out by talking to each other and ironing out our differences it was an easy decision to make. We both love kids and even though we said we were going to try in the end it was a surprise.
If we couldn't have agreed, i wouldn't have pressured him into it

If it was because he didn't want another child that's very different to worrying that you don't have the financial and emotional wherewithall to cope with another child. the dilemma we faced was will we or won't we, not he definately doesn't want one and i definately do.

Our first 2 weren't planned the 3rd kinda was.. but if it happened again, i'd bang my head on a wall for 2 minutes and get on with it..
What's meant for you won't pass you.. good or bad :rolleyes:

You seem to be typing the word "both" in capitals... trying to make a point..?:rolleyes:

cbyrd

Noffles wrote: »

You seem to be typing the word "both" in capitals... trying to make a point..?:rolleyes:

Yes.. it was a decision by both of us.. you assumed in an earlier post that i was a self *****self ?? whatever that was.. So i just felt i needed to point out that it was not an immaculate conception but one where my husband was there!!

Craven99

cbyrd wrote: »

This is what happened to us, and not as was implied by another poster that i was a selfish self ****self, i wasn't like a crying vengeful woman cos i didn't get my own way, but i wasn't as happy as i am now, as we BOTH are now. I was sad inside and felt my usefulness was at its limit.

A lot of thing in our life changed because of number 3 and we have a much happier less stressful life for it. I firmly believe we would still be working like maniacs (neither job is affected by the recesion) and have no time for the 2 we already have, but we had to make a conscious decision about how our lives were going to move on for the next few years, and we actually had to make a plan of action and thank god we did..

As i had said we BOTH decided to give it a try and then we BOTH decided not to when our situation changed. I would never have pushed my husband into a situation he didn't want.

I had ample opportunity to 'accidently' get pregnant(7 year gap) but i have too much respect for him to do this. He knew how much i wanted another one and through discussion we ironed out the issues that worried him the most his financial worries and figuring out how we'd cope with the work aspect.

Once this was sorted out by talking to each other and ironing out our differences it was an easy decision to make. We both love kids and even though we said we were going to try in the end it was a surprise.
If we couldn't have agreed, i wouldn't have pressured him into it

If it was because he didn't want another child that's very different to worrying that you don't have the financial and emotional wherewithall to cope with another child. the dilemma we faced was will we or won't we, not he definately doesn't want one and i definately do.

Our first 2 weren't planned the 3rd kinda was.. but if it happened again, i'd bang my head on a wall for 2 minutes and get on with it..
What's meant for you won't pass you.. good or bad :rolleyes:

As I may have inferred previously my wife did develop some pretty sever medical conditions after the borth of our last son. They still effect her to this day - almost 6 years later. It simply amazes me that she can consider going through that again and potentially getting even worse than she is now. For me that thought simply moves me from someone who is happy not having anymore to actively not wanting anymore.

Like you though if it did happen i would not for one second regret it or in anyway whatsoever think in a negative light against the child - but my stress, worry and concern would go through the roof for my wife.

Nevyn

I know someone who had two awful pregnancies, was on bed rest for a lot of the 2nd and 3rd trimester. She had to be emgerncy c section on the first and died on the operating table when the baby was took out of her and she was in a life for death sitution for 24 hours after wards. Second time around she was constantly taken in to hospital due to blood pressure and Pre-eclampsia. Both pregnancies she came cose to dying and while her husband is happy with the two they have she is talking about wanting another one as the first two kids are the same gender.

There is a good chance she could die and leave her family behind, but yet she still thinks about it and talks about it. I think it is madness.

alex73

ALWAYS!! ALWAYS do want the wife wants... Otherwise she will nag you to hell forever.

My wife did not want a 3rd but I did, 3rd happened (after a bottle of merlot)

We never regret #3. The comedy he gets up to is priceless.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

I know someone who had two awful pregnancies, was on bed rest for a lot of the 2nd and 3rd trimester. She had to be emgerncy c section on the first and died on the operating table when the baby was took out of her and she was in a life for death sitution for 24 hours after wards. Second time around she was constantly taken in to hospital due to blood pressure and Pre-eclampsia. Both pregnancies she came cose to dying and while her husband is happy with the two they have she is talking about wanting another one as the first two kids are the same gender.

There is a good chance she could die and leave her family behind, but yet she still thinks about it and talks about it. I think it is madness.

It is madness. Its madness that she would consider leaving three kids without a mother.

tinkerbell

metrovelvet wrote: »

It is madness. Its madness that she would consider leaving three kids without a mother.

It's not just madness, it is extremely selfish of her wanting another child when she could end up dead and her children have no mother.

LegacyUser

My wife and I always had a vague plan to have at least three kids, but when she started mooting the idea of starting to try for a third a few months back (our two are 3 and 1 and we're both just recently 30) I was v. hesitant for various reasons financial, childcare, time - the usual, I suppose.

Trying to weigh up the pros and cons is very difficult: if I think of the possibility of a baby in terms of all the hassle etc. for a small person who I don't know (obviously, as they don't exist yet), it's easy to discount the idea, but if I think of the happiness that each of the current two have brought into our lives, it swings me towards having another.

Anyway, long story short, decided to start 'giving it a go' (phrase I use instead of 'trying', partly because I hate that word and partly just to wind up my OH) last week as I reckon we have the wherewithal (and, in fairness, the family support) to deal with any extra demands as they arise. Am basically taking a 'sure it will all work out for the best' attitude, based more on gut feeling than any objective, rational analysis.

Not sure if I can give any real advice on such a personal decision, but this is my recent experience, for what it's worth.

ellee

Ah pros and cons, are ye cracked? What woman is going to be swayed on the basis of some trite list when at the end of the day, you either want another child or you don't? Worries about costs, health risks etc will all be waved aside as minor concerns and you know in your heart that if you want a baby, costs generally aren't an issue and if she's seriously thinking about it, she clearly isn't awfully concerned about her health risks. Plenty of people have 3 sections and more, it certainly wouldn't feature at all in my thinking (provided of course all had been straightforward in the sections and recovery).
Also presumably costs are easing on the first as they go into school etc. A lot of the "reasons" cited would be viewed as "excuses" I think.

And besides, all the negative stuff with small babies, it just passes so fast, surely you wouldn't be basing the lifetime decision of whether to have another child on the first few inconvenient years? And you might have another baby like no1!

So I guess, if I were you I would be completely honest with your wife and say you don't want a child because ... and really tell her why. Fear you won't cope? Fear your relationship with her will suffer? It's up to you to fill in the blanks. But I would avoid lists of superficial concerns 'cause you'll only annoy her and she won't take them seriously.

BoardsMember

juststartedtrying wrote: »

My wife and I always had a vague plan to have at least three kids, but when she started mooting the idea of starting to try for a third a few months back (our two are 3 and 1 and we're both just recently 30) I was v. hesitant for various reasons financial, childcare, time - the usual, I suppose.

Trying to weigh up the pros and cons is very difficult: if I think of the possibility of a baby in terms of all the hassle etc. for a small person who I don't know (obviously, as they don't exist yet), it's easy to discount the idea, but if I think of the happiness that each of the current two have brought into our lives, it swings me towards having another.

Anyway, long story short, decided to start 'giving it a go' (phrase I use instead of 'trying', partly because I hate that word and partly just to wind up my OH) last week as I reckon we have the wherewithal (and, in fairness, the family support) to deal with any extra demands as they arise. Am basically taking a 'sure it will all work out for the best' attitude, based more on gut feeling than any objective, rational analysis.

Not sure if I can give any real advice on such a personal decision, but this is my recent experience, for what it's worth.

Thanks for the input, I'd say we're not a million miles away from your well expressed input. We're still in several minds:)

BoardsMember

ellee wrote: »

Ah pros and cons, are ye cracked? What woman is going to be swayed on the basis of some trite list when at the end of the day, you either want another child or you don't? Worries about costs, health risks etc will all be waved aside as minor concerns and you know in your heart that if you want a baby, costs generally aren't an issue and if she's seriously thinking about it, she clearly isn't awfully concerned about her health risks. Plenty of people have 3 sections and more, it certainly wouldn't feature at all in my thinking (provided of course all had been straightforward in the sections and recovery).
Also presumably costs are easing on the first as they go into school etc. A lot of the "reasons" cited would be viewed as "excuses" I think.

And besides, all the negative stuff with small babies, it just passes so fast, surely you wouldn't be basing the lifetime decision of whether to have another child on the first few inconvenient years? And you might have another baby like no1!

So I guess, if I were you I would be completely honest with your wife and say you don't want a child because ... and really tell her why. Fear you won't cope? Fear your relationship with her will suffer? It's up to you to fill in the blanks. But I would avoid lists of superficial concerns 'cause you'll only annoy her and she won't take them seriously.

say it how it is!!
i like ur style

Sgt Pepper 64

Just my opinion, but I think you should just sit down with your wife and lay it all out - all your fears and concerns.
Her opinion is a lot more valid than a cyber space one.
You should feel comfortable enough in your relationship to do this, you should never feel afraid to discuss such a big and personal issue with your partner. You might be surprised by her answer.

Oh and trying for a girl (or a boy) is mad - you get what you get and keeping adding to the family will just blow your mind, and your wallet!
(My brother has 4 sons - from trying for a girl!)

Good luck

Babybabybaby

In the midst of a similar discussion and very similar circumstances. Not that it will make a difference to our decision, but I’m curious as to who “got their way” J

BoardsMember

We're trying for a third. Still!

Babybabybaby

what made you come round?