Wife wants a third baby, I dont

Orion

There's no need to drag up a 2 year old thread. Feel free to start a new one.

Orion

Apologies - I didn't spot that the OP had posted today
Thread reopened.

cbyrd

We had the 3rd... and then our 4th :eek: didn't see that one coming but he's 6 months now and my husband finally took notice of my nagging and got the snip...:D we have 2 girls 13 and 9 and 2 boys aged 2 and the baby is 6 months... full and happy house

BoardsMember

Oooh, I could deffo go for the snip!!

Thanks Orion for re-opening the thread. I had PM'd Babybabybaby in response to her question anyhow.

The Corinthian

BoardsMember wrote: »

I had PM'd Babybabybaby in response to her question anyhow.

What changed your mind then?

BoardsMember

I'm not sure really. I had never dug my heels in at all. I was pretty much just outlining my position - that I didn't want another. I still dont. But our two positions are not reconcilable, and I know how much she wants another one. So while we are trying for a third, I'm still kinda trying to convince her to change her mind. Not hugely so, we can both see positives to having another one, and not having another one. As long as she really wants one we'll keep trying. It's fun trying!! We had agreed on a date afterwhich we'd stop trying, with a view to her being "too old", i.e. the risks becoming higher, but that has already passed.

The Corinthian

So basically you gave in for the sake of a peaceful life but are secretly hoping it doesn't happen?

BoardsMember

The Corinthian wrote: »

So basically you gave in for the sake of a peaceful life but are secretly hoping it doesn't happen?

Yes I'm hoping it doesn't happen, not 100%, but more than 50%.

Not for a peaceful life, but because I can see how much my wife wants another baby.

unkel

BoardsMember wrote: »

I'm not sure really. I had never dug my heels in at all. I was pretty much just outlining my position - that I didn't want another. I still dont. But our two positions are not reconcilable, and I know how much she wants another one. So while we are trying for a third, I'm still kinda trying to convince her to change her mind. Not hugely so, we can both see positives to having another one, and not having another one. As long as she really wants one we'll keep trying. It's fun trying!! We had agreed on a date afterwhich we'd stop trying, with a view to her being "too old", i.e. the risks becoming higher, but that has already passed.

You're not alone!

I've always wanted children and I've always been terrified by the idea something could be wrong with them. Blessed with two happy and healthy children was enough for me. Wife wanted another one and I gave in. I'm delighted now that I did and I am humbled and grateful that my little one is fine too. My wife was 38 when she had her. Downs syndrome chance of one in about 500 hundred at that stage iirc. Terrifying me, even though we had all the checks done along the way...

What age is your wife?

BoardsMember

She's just turned 37. Yeah, I know all the stats etc.

LegacyUser

Just a thought - and I know it's not for everyone - but would you consider adoption or fostering? Both have challenges, but you're not exposing yourself to the same medical risks.

Both take time so, if you were in two minds about it, it'd be a good idea to get the process started. In five years (or maybe one if you go for fostering and the HSE is well-organised) you'll be in a better position with your own kids to handle the new arrival.

BoardsMember

Hi. Thanks for the suggestion about adoption/fostering,

Re adoption, my understanding is that it's a gruelling process and that the supply is scarce, people that have no children are surely more deserving of an adopted child, and I would not want us to put us through all the intrusiveness of the adoption process - I believe it is not very nice.

Fostering is something we have talked about, but we decided against it for very selfish reasons. We dont want our two kids potentially led astray by someone who is very troubled, or to have our reasonably calm & controlled home environment jeopardised.

I know that says a lot about us, no ncessarily good, but we have to put our own kids first.

cbyrd

When i discovered i was pregnant with number 4 i was petrified with the thoughts of a downs baby or some other abnormality.. i know it's terrible but we all want healthy babies and i have other health issues aswell since the 3rd one came along.. every now and again i have to pinch myself that i have FOUR children..
i was 37 when the youngest was born and i think it was the easiest.. not much sickness and while i was tired at times not much more than the rest..while i had to convince himself that we could cope with 3 his face when i told him about number 4 was hilarious.. he just said 'congratulations i guess we won't need to get rid of the baby stuff then..' But having the girls close in age and now the boys with only 21 months in the difference i couldn't have done it better if i did plan it :pac: i tell everyone i did plan it.. not the pure head melting shock that it was.. he such a happy baby though.. his big sisters dote on him and his big brother loves him to bits.. what ever your outcome good luck with it..

Rosy Posy

When we got together we said we'd have six kids...I've always wanted a big family. After the first two came along (in less than two years, both unplanned), my oh said he'd had enough, although I was still keen. When number three came along (also unplanned) my oh took it very hard. He loves the babby but the situation has put a strain on all of us and on our relationship. I think that he feels trapped and weighed down by the responsibility of the whole family (he is the sole wage earner and we have no family support to help with childcare). I think that you are being overly simplistic if you think you can walk into planning for another child while feeling ambivalent about it and not let it effect the relationship that you have with your spouse and your children, and that you should have a good think about it and either commit yourself wholeheartedly to the process or decide with your wife to be content with the two children that you have.

eviltwin

I agree with Rosy. I can empathise with a parent who wants to add to their family but at some point you have to say "enough"....this is a child you are talking about, someone who is going to have an impact on you and the family forever...going into it hoping it won't happen is not a wise move. I think you both need to be behind this 100% if its to work.

The Corinthian

It may put enormous pressure on BoardsMember's relationship, but ultimately he is not discussing an unplanned pregnancy. He's made a decision to support his wife's wishes and so really the consequences are something that I would trust he can live with, which may not be the case if it was unplanned or, as happens, a 'planned accident'.

I can understand his logic; he doesn't want another kid, but his wish not to is overwhelming overshadowed by her wish to have one - and ultimately he is willing to make this sacrifice for his wife, which is to be commended.

I don't know if this is, in the long run, a wise course of action as his wish not to may breed resentment and pressure on the relationship that may cause more harm than good, but he probably can best gauge this and as an adult he can choose for himself and live with the consequences of that choice.

BoardsMember

Corinthian - "may breed resentment", nice....:)

I think you sum things up well. If I was talking about our first child and that i didn't want children it would be far different, and Rosie's post would be more pertinent to that circumstance in my opinion.

The tricky bit would be if the baby, should it arrive, is not 100% healthy, and the result is that it changes life forever and completely. That's the scenario I'd be most worried about.

The Corinthian

BoardsMember wrote: »

Corinthian - "may breed resentment", nice....:)

Totally unintentional.

The tricky bit would be if the baby, should it arrive, is not 100% healthy, and the result is that it changes life forever and completely. That's the scenario I'd be most worried about.

That's understandable. Ultimately, as an adult you can choose for yourself and live with the consequences of that choice, which includes such risks.

Which I suppose is a polite way of saying, don't come back whinging to us how you never wanted another kid if it goes pear shaped or you change your mind later...