I don't know what to do about my child's mean friend

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I read the thread by the parent worried about their friend's children and got encouraged by some of the advice.

I am in a little bit of a similar situation. I have an only child that has had a bit of an unsettled life due to many difficult circumstances regarding his father, money issues, moved home a few times, had to have him with the grandparents etc. We are finally settled for the last two years and he has settled into school fine. No problems with schoolwork, but a few socialising problems.

As he is an only child (and an emotional one at that) I have noticed it is a bit hard for him to make friends. His closest school friends are a little girl and two very soft-spoken boys. No problem there, but I can see he has problems on the playground in the morning if they are not there as he doesn't always know how to approach the other children. His school is quite small and some of the other children interact after-hours and it has been a bit lonely at times for him. We are only in our town two years so I still don't really know anyone and am a shy person myself anyway. Plus we live in a very quiet place with only children much older or younger around.

I made a good friend also with an only child when I moved here and was happy that our children were of similar age 1yr 2mths difference and could play togethor. The problem is that my child is a follower type of child. I think this is because he is shy due to limited interaction with other children in his early years but now it has become a problem with this friend. The friend is a very mature kind of child, very bright, very funny, but I have noticed that he can be very mean to my child. I don't like to discipline other people's children but he will say things like "you're a freak! or approach my child aggressively in his face when they have a disagreement and I often don't know what to say/do. I have only seen this happen in situations where the child's mother is there and she is quick to correct him but it keeps happening. I know that she is a good mother and would trust my own child with her but these one off instances are depressing me. I know how sensitive my own kid is and it upsets him. He really likes this friend and I don't want to destroy their friendship and I want him to learn to fight his own battles but I don't know what to do. The friend is also a very hypercative child and sometimes his precociousness can seem like rudeness/hyperactivity and when they share after school activities my son is being labelled as part of a trouble-making duo.

Granted it's true they are hard to control togethor and I am not making excuses but when my child is with other friends he is not like that and in fact people find him very sweet/very childlike and i have not had a problem with him in public situations when alone. I feel like he so badly wants that interaction with this friend whom he has made such a connection with that he copies everything, especially the bad behaviour!

I don't like embarrassing my child out in public and tbh the only problem I have with him outside this new bad behaviour with his friend is his tendency to cry hysterically when he feels sad. Even over small things like saying goodbye to granny after a visit or having to leave creche after a fun day. He has always been very over-emotional.

I don't know what to do. I like my friend and don't want to lose her friendship and I actually like her kid but I don't want my child bullied or even picking up bad behaviour/labels that can carry on in life. It has gotten to where I am seriously thinking of separating the children from any public activities and just leaving it to play-dates in our respective homes for any interaction.

Sorry for the long post but I was really upset over an incident today and I couldn't sleep for thinking about it.

Chuchoter

How old is your son? Can't really tell you much unless we know how old he is. Could you try joining a swimming class or scouts? Scouts might make him a bit more confident as its structured so he'd never be lost for something to do/talk about. I don't think intentionally 'separating' the two of them is much good, but if he makes nicer friends he might lose interest in the mean boy by himself.

LegacyUser

Hi Crayola,

My child is 6 and a half. I get what you say about not separating the two. I want my child to merit/demerit friendships on his own. Not because I say so.

I have put him in some school activities on his own (basketball and swimming) that he seems to enjoy and has already been friendly with no sign of naughtiness/rudeness r whatever.

I am hoping he can make other friends soon as well so that we can have play-dates with other children.

Wantobe

I would probably start inviting his friends from school over on playdates so he gets a chance to play with other children in a safe environment.

Also I agree that starting him with a hobby/sport or a musical instrument will increase his confidence. Scouts/drama/swimming/horse riding/sailing- whatever is in your area.

But really, even if this other little boy is a bit in his face- at least it's happening in his home or your friends home where he has someone who knows him, and can help him cope with the behaviour and he will cope with it-kids are resilient, even if we worry like crazy about them.

Qualitymark

I wouldn't have anything to do with a child who's using that kind of language - unless it's in the context of a normal childhood quarrel, in which case I'd gently tell the child that friends don't say nasty things.

But if it's coming out of the blue, I'd quietly cut short the relationship. Not healthy to be told that kind of thing by a supposed friend.

Don't worry too much about your child finding it hard to make friends and to socialise, though, worriedparent. People develop at different rates, and learn social skillls at different rates. As Wantobe says, invite other children, and their parents, over on play dates, and make it a nice place for them to be.

How Strange

worriedparent, could it be that because its only you and your son that you are focusing more intensely on his relationships with his friends? I don't mean it as a criticism; I suppose we'd all be the same but because he is an only child he has your full attention all the time. My aunt has only one son, her sister has 3 kids and the aunt with 1 would be far more protective than my aunt who has to divide her attention 3 ways.

I'm not a mam yet (jan next year!) and I know I'd be as anxious as you but I really believe that unless your son is in harms way by this friendship you should let him navigate through it for himself. If he isn't saying that he's uncomfortable around the child then leave them to it. He may simply be in awe of this child who has a different personality to him and wants to imitate him in ways.

lynski

i find with my son, nearly 4, that he does get this sort of behavior from other children sometimes (girls!) and he can be bothered by it, telling me so and so said such and such or did such and such, but I find it does not put him off playing with them again or wanting to be friends too.
I usually tell him what he should do or say next time. Like last week it was Kathy was pinching him in pre-school, so i told him to just say loudly 'no kathy, pinching is naughty' or tell the teachers. or when the girls called him a baby for having a soother at night to say they were babies too to their mommies.
he gets confused by bad language because he is not used to it, thankfully, so it can be hard for him to understand why it is naughty.
Maybe give him some rules and some tools to deal with the other child.

Qualitymark

I have a friend whose daughter's father is from the Caribbean. She used to worry terribly about teasing, until one day her daughter came running over to her and said: "A boy told me I had funny hair."

Her heart stopped for a moment - then her daughter said: "I told him he had a fat bottom and he went off crying." And she skipped away again. Heh.