people buying you drinks on a night out

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Who? Surely we've all bought drinks for people we don't fancy? It's not a prerequisite, is it?



Of course it's chauvinistic, hence why I said all the drinks buying, door holding and dinner payments have their roots in the days when chivalry was not just common, it was a basic expectation. Buying a girl a drink as a signal that you like her, you are not fiscally challenged and to encourage her to spend the time drinking that drink in your company is still a billion miles away from plying someone with alcohol with the express intention of taking advantage at a later stage though.

In the age of chivalry - when dating was supervised. Courtship is now unsupervised. We wanted our freedom, we got it, but with that comes risk and responsibility.

It does not mean of course that every man who wants to buy you a drink wants to rape you. But you have to take some responsibility.

If I had a daughter, I would certainly encourage her not to accept drinks from strangers in bars. I think its the safer option.

Catari Jaguar

minidazzler wrote: »

In fairness, the vast majority of "spikings" are people drinking too much and insisting they must have been spiked. Not saying it doesn't happen, just that people who say they were may be telling porkie pies.

The whole buying drinks is date rape is absolute bull, your boyfriend must be some kind of fool to think so, lowering inhibitions is not tantamount to rape. Generally when I buy someone a drink it's to relax the mood. I don't buy a girl drinks to have sex with her, I talk to her to get that. There is a huge difference between buying a couple of drinks then having sex, and having sex with a girl barely able to keep her head up. One of them is date rape and the other isn't, can you guess which?

Hey I totally get that. When I was 18 at a house party this dude kept giving me wine & vodka and the drunker I got the more I drank carelessly. Next thing I know I'm coming to and realise I'm on his lap and he's wearing the face off me with a hand up my top. Cowboy hat wearing creep!

But I'll admit, after 3 months of being just friends with my boyf and holding hands and cuddling wating for him to make a move... I did give him a naggin in the hopes that he would relax, overcome the shyness and get the balls to finally kiss me. Didn't work, I drank some of it I had to make the move. The rest is history.

Edit: Metrovelvet you are so eloquent and good at making the point clear!

Ickle Magoo

metrovelvet wrote: »

In the age of chivalry - when dating was supervised. Courtship is now supervised. We wanted our freedom, we got it, but with that comes risk and responsibility.

It does not mean of course that every man who wants to buy you a drink wants to rape you. But you have to take some responsibility.

If I had a daughter, I would certainly encourage her not to accept drinks from strangers in bars. I think its the safer option.

I agree & I've already said in this thread that I don't accept drinks from guys in bars unless I actually do want to spend some time in their company/am interested precisely because I do think acceptance gives a clear signal....I was really just objecting to the ludicrous inference that offering a girl a drink was tantamount to preparation for sexual assault.

Catari Jaguar

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Who? Surely we've all bought drinks for people we don't fancy? It's not a prerequisite, is it?

I doubt many people spend their hard earned money on giving drinks to people they aren't interested in.

Sure I've bought drinks for my friends but not strangers and definitely not strangers that I don't fancy.

I don't get the mentality of code: I bought you a drink = I like you. Surely "Hi, I couldn't help but notice what a breathtakingly gorgeous creature you are and I had to come over and tell you. I'd love to get to know you. Do you mind if I sit with you?" does the job? Cheaper too.

minidazzler

cherub rock wrote: »

I doubt many people spend their hard earned money on giving drinks to people they aren't interested in.

Sure I've bought drinks for my friends but not strangers and definitely not strangers that I don't fancy.

I don't get the mentality of code: I bought you a drink = I like you. Surely "Hi, I couldn't help but notice what a breathtakingly gorgeous creature you are and I had to come over and tell you. I'd love to get to know you. Do you mind if I sit with you?" does the job? Cheaper too.

Probably not really. In a game where subtlety is key, it's seen as very weird to go up and say that to someone.

If I buy a drink it's me saying I'm intrigued, lets keep talking and see if I can be interested. Simples.

metrovelvet

cherub rock wrote: »

I doubt many people spend their hard earned money on giving drinks to people they aren't interested in.

Sure I've bought drinks for my friends but not strangers and definitely not strangers that I don't fancy.

I don't get the mentality of code: I bought you a drink = I like you. Surely "Hi, I couldn't help but notice what a breathtakingly gorgeous creature you are and I had to come over and tell you. I'd love to get to know you. Do you mind if I sit with you?" does the job? Cheaper too.

People will buy drinks as a conversation starter. And lets face it, alcohol is a social lubricant. Some people will think it gives erotic possibilities. TBH I think this is a context in which both men and women can use and exploit the other.

Ickle Magoo

cherub rock wrote: »

I doubt many people spend their hard earned money on giving drinks to people they aren't interested in.

Sure I've bought drinks for my friends but not strangers and definitely not strangers that I don't fancy.

There are definitely times when I have bought drinks for strangers; people on courses that I don't know, friends friends and friends partners or even friends friends partners that I haven't met before. I have never bought a drink for a guy I've never met as a way of an opening chat up line but I think one would have to be a hermit not to get through life without buying a drink for a stranger at some stage.

cherub rock wrote: »

I don't get the mentality of I bought you a drink = I like you. Surely "Hi, I couldn't help but notice what a breathtakingly gorgeous creature you are and I had to come over and tell you. I'd love to get to know you. Do you mind if I sit with you?" does the job? Cheaper too.

Personally speaking, I'd run a mile from anyone who came out with that and assume they weren't the full deck, regardless, the whole buying a drink for someone has historical logic - what we in 2010 find unnecessary or expensive doesn't really come into it...old habits die hard, as they say.

Guys have it tough, some don't have the gift of the gab and some girls do their best to make approaching them as awkward as possible for kicks and giggles; offering to buy a drink can be a good opening to having a conversation and getting across an appreciation for her aesthetics without having to explicitly say so & risk a bigger pride bashing.

Catari Jaguar

minidazzler wrote: »

Probably not really. In a game where subtlety is key, it's seen as very weird to go up and say that to someone.

If I buy a drink it's me saying I'm intrigued, lets keep talking and see if I can be interested. Simples.

So what of these outcomes: She takes the drink but isn't interested in you? Or she declines a drink but is interested in you (but wants to play it cool so doesn't say so). Where do you go from there?

PS. I've never seen subtlety in an Irish nightclub. Riding in the jacks, yea. Subtlety? no.

metrovelvet

minidazzler wrote: »

Probably not really. In a game where subtlety is key, it's seen as very weird to go up and say that to someone.

If I buy a drink it's me saying I'm intrigued, lets keep talking and see if I can be interested. Simples.

The problem with that is that you wont know if you are interested until you have finished the drink or are in the middle of it. Or just say up front, look I have no romantic interests in you, I thought you should know that before you buy me a drink?

So then what do you do, reciprocate and spend time having another drink with someone you don't want to? Or reimburse them for the drink they bought you?

minidazzler

cherub rock wrote: »

So what of these outcomes: She takes the drink but isn't interested in you? Or she declines a drink but is interested in you (but wants to play it cool so doesn't say so). Where do you go from there?

Chit chat a bit, if she walks away or appears uninterested there are 3.5 billion other girls in the world! If she takes the drink and isn't interested, so what really, just the price of a drink, generally it would be in a bar I would chat to people, night clubs are ****e for it, so the pints are cheap enough in my regular bar (€3 until 11! )

metrovelvet wrote: »

The problem with that is that you wont know if you are interested until you have finished the drink or are in the middle of it. Or just say up front, look I have no romantic interests in you, I thought you should know that before you buy me a drink?

So then what do you do, reciprocate and spend time having another drink with someone you don't want to? Or reimburse them for the drink they bought you?

Personally speaking wouldn't bother me at all, I might get the lovely chatting with ya, see ya later, not gonna bother me too much, given my view is that there are millions out there who are potentially interested!

Catari Jaguar

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Personally speaking, I'd run a mile from anyone who came out with that and assume they weren't the full deck, regardless,

Ah yea I was just taking the piss. But I've heard some cracking lines in my time and also just nice lads that come over and chat. "Buy you a drink?" is so trite and off putting imo. Like I said before I usually say "I've got one, but you can reimburse me"

Catari Jaguar

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Guys have it tough, some don't have the gift of the gab and some girls do their best to make approaching them as awkward as possible for kicks and giggles; offering to buy a drink can be a good opening to having a conversation and getting across an appreciation for her aesthetics without having to explicitly say so & risk a bigger pride bashing.

You know you need a line for after they say yes to the drink. You can't just sit there...

Actually a cheesy one that did work was "Are you here on your own" and being a smart mouth I went "Yea, I always come to clubs alone :rolleyes:" then said "No, my friend's at the bar". So the lad pointed to his group of friends and said sit with us til she comes back. I figured, hey if I sit with them it'll deter other blokes (I have a fella) and my friend is single. Turned out to be the most fun I've had in a club just laughing with these guys. Got a Jagerbomb bought for me but that was in a "You've never had a Jagerbomb?! Buy her one!!!" way and I offered to get him a drink in return.

My friend went out with one of them for 2 years afterwards.

caseyann

My friends who are not Irish girls have a rule, they will accept drink from every man who offers even if they dont like them.Because men are meant to be like that with all women is how they see it.And when Irish say dutch they are shocked and move on from them faster.
The males from other countries such as Poland Russia Albania etc... buy drinks for everyone at the table and insist women do not pay even if they are not dating them.And if you have your girl friends with you when dating one of them they will pay for them to whole night.

stupidusername

If someone offered to buy me a drink (and I'm pretty sure this has never happened) I think it'd depend on where I was, who I'm with, and what kinda mood I'm in. If it was someone I was attracted to and I was open to talking to I might accept. Though I think I would only accept if I was at the bar too, so i could see nothing has gone into it.

If I wasn't into someone I definitely wouldn't. And I definitely wouldn't ever assume someone else is going to buy my drinks for the night. There have been a couple of nights where it's turned out I didn't spend a penny, but I've only noticed the next day, and I would've had money on me. I wouldn't go out if I didn't have enough for myself for what i wanted. Cant believe people would do that!

Even if I was into someone I wouldn't necessarily take a drink from them. especially after reading this thread.. seems the general idea is that if someone buys you a drink they just want sex.

Wonder what percentage of men that buy a girl a drink are actually looking for more......

KyussBishop

cherub rock wrote: »

Do they buy drinks for girls they don't fancy?

Even though I'm kind of uncomfortable accepting drinks when out (even with people I know), and think it's easier for people to get their own drinks, if I were chatting to someone long enough and we were going to keep on chatting, I would consider buying them a drink just to be friendly really. (though I would possibly be more wary after this thread )

Even if buying someone a drink may be used as a way of hitting on them, I don't think it should implicitly be seen as that, as it may easily just be a friendly gesture; would need to judge which based on something else, e.g. the persons character and how you've been chatting so far.

As an opening line though, it may be a lot more obvious/unsubtle I guess.

metrovelvet

Its the same in the US. Women dont buy the drinks. But our drinks are cheaper. You also get free round for every three that you buy [generally]. However this whole discussion is different in the US. I wont drink in NY anymore because there are no regulations over measurements of booze in your drinks and I cant drink more than one bottle of beer without feeling like I want to vomit. So you can get drunk very very quickly on shorts and end up having to go home early. Or not being able to control your alcohol intake because the barmen think they are being generous and putting extra booze in your drink. I've ended up asleep on the subway countless times because of this. So no more.

It would be considered very very bad form to accept drinks from guys who you would not want to talk to.

But in Ireland in pubs ive noticed there is an element of peer pressure disguised as generosity. WTF are you supposed to do when your friend plops down with a gin, soda and lime, and a couple of slippery nipples.

Ickle Magoo

cherub rock wrote: »

You know you need a line for after they say yes to the drink. You can't just sit there...

Actually a cheesy one that did work was "Are you here on your own" and being a smart mouth I went "Yea, I always come to clubs alone :rolleyes:" then said "No, my friend's at the bar". So the lad pointed to his group of friends and said sit with us til she comes back. I figured, hey if I sit with them it'll deter other blokes (I have a fella) and my friend is single. Turned out to be the most fun I've had in a club just laughing with these guys. Got a Jagerbomb bought for me but that was in a "You've never had a Jagerbomb?! Buy her one!!!" way and I offered to get him a drink in return.

My friend went out with one of them for 2 years afterwards.

Of course - but the "Can I get you a drink" is a useful way of gauging interest without having to personally invest any pride. She says no, you shrug and walk away, if you open with the line you suggested earlier and she says no then it's major blushes. It's a fairly common sense approach if you look at it objectively. For me, anyway, the drinks buying/accepting is really dependent on intent (mine and theirs) & playing it by ear, rather than any general rule. :cool:

minidazzler

stupidusername wrote: »

Even if I was into someone I wouldn't necessarily take a drink from them. especially after reading this thread.. seems the general idea is that if someone buys you a drink they just want sex.

Wonder what percentage of men that buy a girl a drink are actually looking for more......

I think that is probably more a female perception, sometimes a drink is just a drink, sometimes it's because I want a number, sometimes it's because I want sex. By no means are all drinks I buy about getting laid though. I have bought drinks for girls because I wanted to have sex with them, generally doesn't work out that well, my best "move" is acutally being as subtle as a hammer.

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Of course - but the "Can I get you a drink" is a useful way of gauging interest without having to personally invest any pride. She says no, you shrug and walk away, if you open with the line you suggested earlier and she says no then it's major blushes. It's a fairly common sense approach if you look at it objectively. For me, anyway, the drinks buying/accepting is really dependent on intent (mine and theirs) & playing it by ear, rather than any general rule. :cool:

Thats the really awful thing about it though. Is that you could really be interested in the person but dont want to accept the drink incase it leads to 'expectations.'

KyussBishop

Another side of it though, is that if you refuse, or another person refuses your drink, that doesn't necessarily mean anything really, even if they are being hit on; a person could refuse a drink for a large number of reasons, so it's probably not a smart way to gauge interest, even if a person was (very obviously) using the offer of a drink to hit on someone.

Ickle Magoo

metrovelvet wrote: »

Thats the really awful thing about it though. Is that you could really be interested in the person but dont want to accept the drink incase it leads to 'expectations.'

Yeah, it's a complete minefield tbh. I was out the other night after a course finished and was reminded of this thread. Chatting to a guy I'd spoken to a little on the course and he offers me a drink and in a split second my thoughts were "Oh god, I hope he's not hitting on me, I should say no....oh, but, hang on, what if he's just being friendly and I say no & he thinks I'm really up myself....or, oh god, what if I accept and he thinks I think he's hitting on me when he isn't and he thinks I fancy HIM...argggghhhh!" and in the end I mumbled..."Only if you are staying and I can get you one back" or something like that. :pac:

copacetic

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Yeah, it's a complete minefield tbh. I was out the other night after a course finished and was reminded of this thread. Chatting to a guy I'd spoken to a little on the course and he offers me a drink and in a split second my thoughts were "Oh god, I hope he's not hitting on me, I should say no....oh, but, hang on, what if he's just being friendly and I say no & he thinks I'm really up myself....or, oh god, what if I accept and he thinks I think he's hitting on me when he isn't and he thinks I fancy HIM...argggghhhh!" and in the end I mumbled..."Only if you are staying and I can get you one back" or something like that. :pac:

Your average decent Irish guy won't leave someone they are talking to with an empty glass, or go to the bar for a drink for themselves without offering you one. interested in them or not. Especially in the situation where they are a friend of a friend, workmate, coursemate etc.

Myself, if my glass was empty I'd have been long gone and at the bar while you were making up your mind!

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Yeah, it's a complete minefield tbh. I was out the other night after a course finished and was reminded of this thread. Chatting to a guy I'd spoken to a little on the course and he offers me a drink and in a split second my thoughts were "Oh god, I hope he's not hitting on me, I should say no....oh, but, hang on, what if he's just being friendly and I say no & he thinks I'm really up myself....or, oh god, what if I accept and he thinks I think he's hitting on me when he isn't and he thinks I fancy HIM...argggghhhh!" and in the end I mumbled..."Only if you are staying and I can get you one back" or something like that. :pac:

Yeah but then he'll think you are finding a way of buying more time with him.

A cigar is never just a cigar is it?

Ickle Magoo

copacetic wrote: »

Your average decent Irish guy won't leave someone they are talking to with an empty glass, or go to the bar for a drink for themselves without offering you one. interested in them or not. Especially in the situation where they are a friend of a friend, workmate, coursemate etc.

Myself, if my glass was empty I'd have been long gone and at the bar while you were making up your mind!

Of course - and that's why intent is all important but sometimes in gauging intent, especially having been in situations where I've had to extricate myself from having read it all wrong, I'm justifiably a little wary.

I did say it took a split second, literally, I think if he'd sprinted off to the bar because I didn't immediately shout out an answer before he'd even finished asking I'd have to consider myself well out of having to spend any more time with a bit of a plonker. :P

metrovelvet wrote:

Yeah but then he'll think you are finding a way of buying more time with him.

A cigar is never just a cigar is it?

Well, sometimes I think it is - but in the end it all comes down to a judgement call and sometimes my reading of the situation combined with others intent isn't always very clear or transparent and I think that probably means I err on the side of cynicism.

Chaotic_Forces

The funny thing is that while I generally buy a drink for one of my friends if she's out (she's probably the only girl I talk to much out of the group), she always thanks me. Generally she'll get me one back.

If she thought the first time I did it that I was hitting on her, wouldn't she have refused since she would more than likely be out again?

Why can't strange girls in bars be like that too. "Hey can I get you a drink", "well I'm not really interested in you but thank you anyway". That, IMO would be lovely to hear instead of "yes, thanks for the drink, bye".
I mean sure, it's a rejection but... she's generally thankful for the offer.

One time I saw a girl sitting by herself at a table in a bar looking really upset. I went over, (didn't sit down) and asked if I could get her a drink and she said "no please, I just don't want to talk to another guy tonight". So I waited and her friend came back and then went to the bar to get her and the sad girl a drink each. I promptly walked up to the bar, told the barmaid I'd pay for the drinks and the girl was in total shock.
I told her to tell her friend "not all men are going to make her feel worse, just try to enjoy the night".
At closing time, the sad girl saw me, told me she wanted to thank me, took me to the chipper and got me a burger and chips.

Point of the story is that if you're not upto anything beyond getting a number or something, then you should know when to quit. I could have been persistant and demanded she take the drink but no, I just said "screw it", she said no politely and that was it.

On the other side though I've often seen girls being refused service for doing what the girl in the OP said, the barstaff just refused to serve her so it works out well at times. :P

Shane732

Ok I haven't read the whole thread....

On nights out I tend to buy people plenty of drinks. It'd be a rarity for me to buy a complete stranger a drink but I would buy friends of friends (who I mightn't have meant before) drinks. I wouldn't automatically assume that the girl wanted to bed me just because I bought her a drink and she accepted and I certainly wouldn't her thinking that I wanted to bed her just becuase I bought a drink!

I buy people drinks because when I'm on a night out I want to enjoy the night out and generally if everyone is enjoying the night instead of worrying about how much their spending on drink you have much better craic. I hate people who are too tight to buy drinks.

You only live once.

jugger0

kiwi123 wrote: »

Hey all!

was out last night with the girls and I wasn't drinking cos I had to be up early this morning when a guy started chatting to one of the girls. She had no interest in him but was flirting back, having a laugh. He offered to buy her a drink so she accepted and i scooted off to give them some privacy. A few minutes later she came back and said that he bought her a drink and shot but after drinking them she turned around to him and said something along the lines of 'pass on you' and skipped off. When she said this I was shocked, firstly i thought it was weird that she would accept the drink anyway - putting that aside thats probably not a big deal - the fact she was rude for no reason i found very strange.

would like to hear from ye lovely ladies and gentlemen about if this happens often? like maybe I'm the one who thinks it's weird that there was a need to be rude when he was being nice but maybe it's standard practice on nights out.
I was saying though what if a guy got really angry and lashed out at the act she took the drink in the first place or for being so rude about it?

Wow what a complete bitch! so glad i never buy girls drinks, if anyone did that to me id be raging!

None of my friends buy drinks for girls, except the one fella, but that usually ends with him buying her the drink and then not having any convo to back it up so he has to walk off, bit of a waste like.

And tell your friend to stop being so rude before some dude chris browns her ass.

rainbow kirby

jugger0 wrote: »

And tell your friend to stop being so rude before some dude chris browns her ass.

This isn't appropriate language for tLL. Infracted.

catkingcole

I've been guilty of doing this once or twice when I was younger. Bluewolf is right when he says it's being bratty, I knew I was being a brat even at the time. I only did it to one or two older guys who really shouldn't have been hitting on me anyways (I would've been 18/20 and looked much younger). I'd never do it now though, if they were fun I'd continue chatting but if they tried to insist on a drink I'd let them know I'm not interested that way.

I just hope the guy in the OP's story wasn't young, I'd say most older men know the score with young bratty girls and can probably absorb the risk if they choose to take it, but I imagine it could seriously dent a younger guys confidence (and his wallet) and sent him away cursing women for the rest of the night.

skregs

cherub rock wrote: »

When I was 18 at a house party this dude kept giving me wine & vodka and the drunker I got the more I drank carelessly. Next thing I know I'm coming to and realise I'm on his lap and he's wearing the face off me with a hand up my top. Cowboy hat wearing creep!

Any chance I can get that hat back by the way?





My gf is always scabbing free drinks off fellas when she's out, a fool and their money etc etc

Idbatterim

I think guys that go up and buy a girl a drink, hoping it will get them somewhere are pathetic, I'm well aware that this approach if you want to score, is probably best, but I like keeping my dignity intact. Id like to believe I can get somewhere with a woman from a bit of personality or charm, rather than effectively paying for her time through drink!