14yr old girl with near 19yr old fella!

ocos

Step daughter is 14, nearly 15 and is seeing a guy who is heading on 19. We, myself and her Dad are very worried! Shes not doing well in school and seems to be getting no guidance from her mother. This guy, who we have not met nor have been asked to meet, seems to be at their house all the time! We even feel that he might be living there!
What can we do or are we over reacting?

ILA

Generally it's trouble.

I'd imagine you'd be getting near Statutory Rape territory legally, if they are involved in anything sexual, and consent is no excuse against prosecution so it's very shakey ground to be on.

PCPhoto

theres not a whole lot you can do to be fair -

she obviously thinks shes cool "dating" an older guy .... he's happy.

unless you have proof they are having sex or performing sexual acts - the police/gardai wont do anything.

if you do meet the guy (why not ask her to invite him over for lunch/dinner) - best thing to do is frighten him with committment (most guys that age wont want to settle down) - ask all kinds of questions about how many kids they are planning to have, would he prefer to live in the city...countryside... be nice to him and call him "son" or/and talk to him one-on-one ... explain your stepdaughter is important to you and you dont want to see her hurt...or heartbroken.

tell him he's not allowed to be with another woman for the rest of his life..... and thats prob another 60 or 70 years (if he's lucky)

cynder

I was 15 and had a crush on a 23 year old, he never acted on it though and we were friends.

If i was you i would arrange to meet the guy by inviting him over for dinner, you never know he might be a nice bloke. There is the 5 year age gap ( my parents had a 5 year age gap). when you meet him towards the end of the night have a quite chat about your daughter/step daughter being under age and make sure he doesn't make any moves on her in that regard, (don't threaten him with statutory rape on the first meeting).


During the meal get talking about your daughters/step daughter schooling, ask her what her expectations from school are, what subjects she will do for the leaving cert after her J.C. what she wants to do when she leaves school,college or work. By doing it as subtly as you can you get the point across to her BF that you want her to continue her studies and not drop out of school after the J.Cert. Get to know his likes and dislikes.

You cant judge the guy without having met him first. Give them a chance or it could blow up in your face. If he does turn out to be a right scumbag then thats a whole new issue, first you have to get to know him.

Best of luck.

Moonbeam

Don't fight with her about it but do invite him over so that you can meet him and do let her know that you do disapprove but you trust her.

ocos

I have been trying to talk her Dad into having them over for dinner but he is adamant he wants nothing to do with him.
This guy dropped out of school, is not working and seems to lay about all the time and this is not sitting well with my partner.
Dont know where to go from here

Moonbeam

She may be doing it because she see how much it is driving him mad and not realise the danger that she could potentially be in.
She knows how to work her dad.

If he doesn't show her how outwardly upset he is then the novelty may wear off.

cynder

ocos wrote: »

I have been trying to talk her Dad into having them over for dinner but he is adamant he wants nothing to do with him.
This guy dropped out of school, is not working and seems to lay about all the time and this is not sitting well with my partner.
Dont know where to go from here

Jobs are had enough to get for the well educated let alone non educated. What is he supposed to do if his not working?

Sounds as if your husband would be happier if he was in college, (college lads are rowdy too). He could be a well educated wealthy bloke who treats her like ****e and cheats on her or he could be a lost soul who treats her like an princess. He could even be a lost soul who treat her like ****e too.


All parents want whats best for their kids your husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place, until someone compromises i cant see it changing.

Be there for your husband, be there for your step daughter, not all relationships last at 14, in a few months they could split up and she will need a shoulder to cry on if/when they do.

ocos

Moonbeam wrote: »

She may be doing it because she see how much it is driving him mad and not realise the danger that she could potentially be in.
She knows how to work her dad.

If he doesn't show her how outwardly upset he is then the novelty may wear off.

She has not even told her Dad directly that she is with this guy even though its going on nearly a year now!
Im sure her mother is keeping her well informed of her Dads problems with the situation

Cavehill Red

ocos wrote: »

Step daughter is 14, nearly 15 and is seeing a guy who is heading on 19. We, myself and her Dad are very worried! Shes not doing well in school and seems to be getting no guidance from her mother. This guy, who we have not met nor have been asked to meet, seems to be at their house all the time! We even feel that he might be living there!
What can we do or are we over reacting?

I'll be honest with you here - If I were you, I'd insist she bring the lad around so you can assess him. Once she's out of the room, you tell him her age (she's probably lied about that to him) and tell him to back off or face a police investigation into statutory rape.
If she won't bring him round, or he won't listen, then bell the cops and report the lad for suspected statutory rape. He won't be seeing any more of her after a two hour interview with the cops.

ILA

Obviously its a very messy situation. While I'm risking generalising, I'd agree with your husband concerning the guys situation. You definately need to work some kind of meeting to assess him and whether he's what you want your daughter to be hanging around with.

From my experience, it's generally a bit strange for lads to be involved with anything 3 years younger than themselves, generally those below this age aren't good news in terms of behaviour and influencing habits.

cynder

Cavehill Red wrote: »

I'll be honest with you here - If I were you, I'd insist she bring the lad around so you can assess him. Once she's out of the room, you tell him her age (she's probably lied about that to him) and tell him to back off or face a police investigation into statutory rape.
If she won't bring him round, or he won't listen, then bell the cops and report the lad for suspected statutory rape. He won't be seeing any more of her after a two hour interview with the cops.

If you do that, you run the risk of not seeing your step daughter again. Yes it will get rid of him but you will also loose her.

Its a choice you will have to make and live with.

PCPhoto

PCPhoto wrote: »

if you do meet the guy (why not ask her to invite him over for lunch/dinner) - best thing to do is frighten him with committment (most guys that age wont want to settle down) - ask all kinds of questions about how many kids they are planning to have, would he prefer to live in the city...countryside... be nice to him and call him "son" or/and talk to him one-on-one ...

Any sicko with a 14/15 year old at 19 would see the stuff above as you giving him your consent to ri** her :rolleyes:

OP, this 19 year old is obviously a sad bastad, tell him to f**k off away from your daughter. No nice way to deal with this.

Cavehill Red

grindelwald wrote: »

If you do that, you run the risk of not seeing your step daughter again. Yes it will get rid of him but you will also loose her.

She's 14 and you can't divorce your parents (or stepparents) in this country.
So, where's she going? Mum's? That won't prevent Dad from seeing her.

grindelwald wrote: »

Its a choice you will have to make and live with.

You need to calm down with the threats of apocalypse. Parents of all hues, be they grand-, step-, or plain vanilla parents, would do well to remember that kids are kids and they are the adults in these situations.
Plenty of off-the-rails teens come around and by their 20s are admirable adults, but that generally only happens when some responsible adult intervenes.
I'm not one for indulging a youngster self-destructing their future on the basis that I'd be curbing their natural development or infringing their personal space if I intervened.
I'm all for intervening, every time.
Let's be clear here:
14 year old + 18 year old fella X one year together = statutory rape.
It isn't going to stop unless someone takes action. That action is to warn off the fella or call the police. The child, and she is very much a child at 14, will be thankful when she's older.

Chuchoter

19?! Christ I'm 17 and I wouldn't even go out with a 19 year old, he must be in college even. You say they've been going out a year, so she would have been 13 when they started going out. Can you go talk to him in private without her knowing, and ask him why he is going out with a 14 year old? Or better still, get a friend closer to his age to ask him. He won't censure the answer because you're her dad, and then you can tell your daughter what he really thinks of her. Why can't he find a girl even close to his age to go out with? Personally if they've been going out a year and he is that old I find it highly unlikely nothing has happened between them yet, so you need to stop this fairly soon.

ocos

ocos wrote: »

Step daughter is 14, nearly 15 and is seeing a guy who is heading on 19. We, myself and her Dad are very worried! Shes not doing well in school and seems to be getting no guidance from her mother. This guy, who we have not met nor have been asked to meet, seems to be at their house all the time! We even feel that he might be living there!
What can we do or are we over reacting?

My step daugher lives with her mother and its in that house where yer man seems to have a free rein!
I personally dont get why any mother could allow her 14yr old to carry on like this yet alone under her roof!

munchkin_utd

interesting!
I didn't realise there was such stringent punishment for engaging in contact with a 14 year old. Or to even attempt it.
If I were the 19 year old I'd be looking to drop the hand on something more my own age.

The Criminal Law (Sexual Offences) Act 2006 makes it a criminal offence to engage or attempt to engage in a sexual act with a child under the age of 15 years.
This is what is meant by the term ‘defilement’.

The maximum sentence for this offence is life imprisonment.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/justice/criminal-law/criminal-offences/law_on_sex_offences_in_ireland
(half way down)

cynder

Cavehill Red wrote: »

=
Let's be clear here:
14 year old + 18 year old fella X one year together = statutory rape.
.

No it doesn't

Sex with 2 consenting partners one to be underage = statutory rape.


Just because they are going out for a year doesn't mean that they have had sex. Im not saying they havent either.

Yes his daughter might disown them is she finds out they reported her bf for statutory rape. She obviously isnt that close to her dad because she has been with the fella for a year and hasn't told him. How come in that year the dad hasn't asked her about him?

Her mother should have nipped it in the butt when it first started a year ago when she was 13.

Cavehill Red

ocos wrote: »

My step daugher lives with her mother and its in that house where yer man seems to have a free rein!
I personally dont get why any mother could allow her 14yr old to carry on like this yet alone under her roof!

If you can't get a message to him that he'll face up to life imprisonment if he doesn't find someone his own age, simply pass his name onto the police and let them persuade him.

hshortt

Birth control.

You might not like the sound of those two words, but here's another two to think about

Grand Mother.

Open up and talk to her about your concerns.

cynder

hshortt wrote: »

Birth control.

You might not like the sound of those two words, but here's another two to think about

Grand Mother.

Open up and talk to her about your concerns.

By doing the it might sound like they are accepting the fact that she will have underage sex.

If the guy has free rein of the house and is staying over nights im sure the mother would have talked about it, or after 9 months would have popped out a sprog or be heavily pregnant at the moment.

If she was pregnant that would be the proof that the guy has commited statutory rape. He could then be arrested.


Im only going by what Ocos has said, ocas hasnt said they are sleeping together or that he is staying overnight.


Open up and talk to her about your concerns that is a must.

Cavehill Red

grindelwald wrote: »

No it doesn't

Sex with 2 consenting partners one to be underage = statutory rape.

And if you think a 19 year old fella will go out with a girl for a year without at least trying it on, I've got London Bridge here to sell you.

grindelwald wrote: »

Just because they are going out for a year doesn't mean that they have had sex. Im not saying they havent either.

It would be naive not to assume they are having sex. In any case, the mere suspicion is sufficient to warrant a Garda investigation. Even if the lad is innocent of statutory rape, he needs a good talking to about dating children.

grindelwald wrote: »

Yes his daughter might disown them is she finds out they reported her bf for statutory rape.

She CAN'T disown him. She is not an adult. He has rights of access no doubt underwritten by court orders. Furthermore, he might well decide that if a statutory rape conviction follows, then he could pursue sole custody on the basis of negligence leading to sexual abuse on the part of the mother.
So actually, the daughter could find herself under his roof full-time as a result of this. Let's see her disown him then.

grindelwald wrote: »

She obviously isnt that close to her dad because she has been with the fella for a year and hasn't told him. How come in that year the dad hasn't asked her about him?

No idea. Ask the OP.

grindelwald wrote: »

Her mother should have nipped it in the butt when it first started a year ago when she was 13.

The mother is seriously, possibly criminally, negligent in this case, it would seem. But the blame game is hardly constructive. The key thing now is to end this relationship and get the child's school performance back on track.

xalot

It seems to me that her father, mother and you need to take a united front on this. I think the three of you need to have a chat with her and lay boundaries that you are all willing to stick to…e.g. she is allowed have him in the house but not to stay the night. She is very young and I think that taking a sensible and calm approach is best….I think that you need to find out if she is sexually active and provide her with as much information as you can. Obviously you don’t want her to be, but if she is having sex you don’t want her sneaking around.

Just my opinion.

ocos

Guys I really appreciate all the comments.

Relationship with her Dad is not great - serious communication issues, which has stemmed from various issues over the years. This was never helped by the fact that she was being told 'dont tell your dad' by her mother.

ocos

xalot wrote: »

It seems to me that her father, mother and you need to take a united front on this. I think the three of you need to have a chat with her and lay boundaries that you are all willing to stick to…e.g. she is allowed have him in the house but not to stay the night. She is very young and I think that taking a sensible and calm approach is best….I think that you need to find out if she is sexually active and provide her with as much information as you can. Obviously you don’t want her to be, but if she is having sex you don’t want her sneaking around.

Just my opinion.

The mother does not see a problem!! Wish she did

ILA

xalot wrote: »

It seems to me that her father, mother and you need to take a united front on this. I think the three of you need to have a chat with her and lay boundaries that you are all willing to stick to…e.g. she is allowed have him in the house but not to stay the night. She is very young and I think that taking a sensible and calm approach is best….I think that you need to find out if she is sexually active and provide her with as much information as you can. Obviously you don’t want her to be, but if she is having sex you don’t want her sneaking around.

Just my opinion.

If she is having intercourse with this lad, even with her consent, it is a criminal offence and the Gardaí should be contacted immediately.

Lets get things straight here: it's not appropriate for a 19 year old to be seeing a girl who is FIVE years younger than him, and is well below the age of consent.

He needs to be warned off as soon as possible, as much for his own good as for the good of your step-daughter and told the implications of what he's doing. Often this type of lad can be found near the school gate as the young ones are leaving, actually preying on young ones, for want of a better word.

cynder

Cavehill Red wrote: »

And if you think a 19 year old fella will go out with a girl for a year without at least trying it on, I've got London Bridge here to sell you.

Im not saying that, but you cant jump to conclusions either, were only getting the the step moms side of things. There are always 2 sides to every story

It would be naive not to assume they are having sex. In any case, the mere suspicion is sufficient to warrant a Garda investigation. Even if the lad is innocent of statutory rape, he needs a good talking to about dating children.

Yes there is always the assumption that as soon as one gets a bf or gf that they jump into bed, as for dating children she is 14 nearly 15 NOW and could act and look very mature for her age. If he left her alone for 2 years and came back when she was 17 would it make you feel better. I know what its like to be 14/15 and have a crush on an older guy its very much real.

She CAN'T disown him. She is not an adult. He has rights of access no doubt underwritten by court orders. Furthermore, he might well decide that if a statutory rape conviction follows, then he could pursue sole custody on the basis of negligence leading to sexual abuse on the part of the mother.
So actually, the daughter could find herself under his roof full-time as a result of this. Let's see her disown him then.

Very true she might end up under their roof but i cant see it ending like that, i could see her sticking her 2 fingers up at them, runaway, live on the street for making her life a living hell for getting rid of the one person she really loves.

The mother is seriously, possibly criminally, negligent in this case, it would seem. But the blame game is hardly constructive. The key thing now is to end this relationship and get the child's school performance back on track.

Agree, but getting rid of the boyfriend might make her leave school too, it might screw up her studies, i cant psychoanalyse what this girl is gonna do, but it is a possibility and it needs to be looked at. If you take away something that someone really loves it has a negative effect. so getting them to split up could have a negitive impact on her school work.



*Sorry messed up my quotes there

LegacyUser

Talk to the gardai, they would be well able to scare off the fella with a talking to.

cynder

ocos wrote: »

Guys I really appreciate all the comments.

Relationship with her Dad is not great - serious communication issues, which has stemmed from various issues over the years. This was never helped by the fact that she was being told 'dont tell your dad' by her mother.

Thats what i thought, you really dont want to push her away.

Cavehill Red

grindelwald wrote: »

Agree, but getting rid of the boyfriend might make her leave school too, it might screw up her studies, i cant psychoanalyse what this girl is gonna do, but it is a possibility and it needs to be looked at. If you take away something that someone really loves it has a negative effect. so getting them to split up could have a negitive impact on her school work.

Stayting with him is hardly beneficial according to the OP, and furthermore it is likely damaging her emotional development and possibly (probably) placing her in a position of being sexually abused.
There's no downside here. The relationship must be ended as soon as possible.
It HAS to stop, and the quickest and most effective way of doing that is to call the cops and report him for statutory rape.
I agree everyone here needs to talk - dad to daughter, both parents, etc. But that's a long, slow process and won't affect any changes overnight.

Cavehill Red

It's not an issue of pushing her away. It's an issue of protecting her from likely sexual abuse, and salvaging her academic future and emotional security.
Staying with him is hardly beneficial to her schooling according to the OP, and furthermore it is likely damaging her emotional development and possibly (probably) placing her in a position of being sexually abused.
There's no downside here. The relationship must be ended as soon as possible.
It HAS to stop, and the quickest and most effective way of doing that is to call the cops and report him for statutory rape.
I agree everyone here needs to talk - dad to daughter, both parents, etc. But that's a long, slow process and won't affect any changes overnight.
The important thing is to take action to end the relationship with this fellow, and then proceed from there.