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Ghost Dad stepping up to the plate

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    #32
    smelltheglove
    Registered Users Posts: 4,503 ✭✭✭smelltheglove


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    Yes you are.


    Saying children of lone parents"they can never be fully happy". Who the hell do you think you are coming out with that?

    Who the hell do I think I am...... where exactly did I say this...? You seem to put 2 and 2 together and get 40... I have apologised if my opinion upset you and as requested I have stated that it is all IN MY OPINION but nowehere did I say that my opinion would be that the child would never be fully happy.


    If you would like to pick an argument or go off on one get your facts straight first!
    amiable wrote: »
    You don't think a guy is worthless if he decides he's not ready for a few years to be a father. Just let him go off and live his life for a while and i'll give you a shout when i'm ready. I'm sorry that seems at the minimum very selfish to me. I'm sorry but the mother doesn't get a choice like that.

    I don't know the guy to think he is worthless neither does anyone here! You have asked for advice and after reading the thread the general consensus was that he was worthless, not saying anyone said this but this was the feeling I was getting, my whole aim here was to give you the other side of the argument. Lol, seems people don't like the other side of the argument but there you go, there are always 2 sides, we know nothing about 1 so we cant jump to conclusions that he would be a terrible dad. The main thing is he now wants a relationship with the child and my advice would be to sit down and talk with him, possibly introduce him as a friend for a period of time, as I said in the beginning and if things go well then say look, this is your dad son.

    The other side of it is that were you to deny access then it would be awarded through the courts, my other bit of advice is to try steer away from this, focus on the child alone not the sour relationship. I am not trying any emotional blackmail on you at all, despite what people may say I am simply trying to give you the other side based upon my experiences! I wish you the best of luck and hope the father has changed, as they say, you never know until you try.


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    #33
    amiable
    Registered Users Posts: 12,206 ✭✭✭✭amiable


    smelltheglove wrote: »
    Who the hell do I think I am...... where exactly did I say this...? You seem to put 2 and 2 together and get 40... I have apologised if my opinion upset you and as requested I have stated that it is all IN MY OPINION but nowehere did I say that my opinion would be that the child would never be fully happy.


    If you would like to pick an argument or go off on one get your facts straight first!



    I don't know the guy to think he is worthless neither does anyone here! You have asked for advice and after reading the thread the general consensus was that he was worthless, not saying anyone said this but this was the feeling I was getting, my whole aim here was to give you the other side of the argument. Lol, seems people don't like the other side of the argument but there you go, there are always 2 sides, we know nothing about 1 so we cant jump to conclusions that he would be a terrible dad. The main thing is he now wants a relationship with the child and my advice would be to sit down and talk with him, possibly introduce him as a friend for a period of time, as I said in the beginning and if things go well then say look, this is your dad son.

    The other side of it is that were you to deny access then it would be awarded through the courts, my other bit of advice is to try steer away from this, focus on the child alone not the sour relationship. I am not trying any emotional blackmail on you at all, despite what people may say I am simply trying to give you the other side based upon my experiences! I wish you the best of luck and hope the father has changed, as they say, you never know until you try.
    People as in you? To me you seem to be the one.
    I have no problem with you expressing your feelings as you'll see if you read the whole thread. I'm allowed to disagree


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    #34
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    I don't think lying to the child is a good idea. If he is introduced he should be introduced as his father.

    Your child will know you are lying and they will lose respect for you.

    The child has a right to know who this person is.


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    #35
    wolfpawnat
    Registered Users Posts: 6,124 ✭✭✭wolfpawnat


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    I don't think lying to the child is a good idea. If he is introduced he should be introduced as his father.

    Your child will know you are lying and they will lose respect for you.

    The child has a right to know who this person is.

    Definately, they can decide then if they like their dad and if they want a relationship with them!

    If they meet them as "mummy's friend" and then realise it is daddy, they will be distrusting of you as they believed you would be honest with them, and it will to dishonesty on their behalf in the future.

    Happened with me, my mother lied to us constantly!!!! As a result if she asked me what colour the grass was I would say blue! I had no interest in having a relationship with her, she was a liar and an all round bad woman.


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    #36
    smelltheglove
    Registered Users Posts: 4,503 ✭✭✭smelltheglove


    amiable wrote: »
    People as in you? To me you seem to be the one.
    I have no problem with you expressing your feelings as you'll see if you read the whole thread. I'm allowed to disagree

    Everyone is allowed to disagree, that is fair enough and I am not saying that you dont like hearing the other side but at the end of the day I am just giving you advice based on experiences in similar circumstances.

    I dont like the side of going through the courts, I am vocal about that and hold no shame for it as I was a child of parents going through the courts, it is a very awkward situation for the child involved.

    I am not disagreeing with you in any way or form, I have nothing to disagree with you on, I am disagreeing that my opion is blackmailing you as was said not by yourself though, or that I said the child will never be happy as I did not.


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    #37
    coffee_cake
    Registered Users Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    smelltheglove wrote: »
    Kids with absent parents, even though they do not mention them, do feel disappointed they only have one parent.
    Maybe in the case of your brother. One experience does not make a general rule, and acting like you can speak for all children is a bit much
    smelltheglove wrote: »
    Apologies for pissing you off but this is my experience of it.
    In one case?
    Can anyone here honestly say, if they were brought up by one parent, not knowing the other, that they would never ever think what if?
    Yes. I don't care. I know people take this as "oh you're suppressing it", but I'm really not. I've never met him. If he wanted to meet up I might go along with it but I'm not particularly curious. I don't have any particular feelings toward him. As far as I am concerned I have a loving family and never wanted for anything. Shown his photo as a child, I had no interest; asked how I felt about it, I had no interest. I never felt left out compared to other children.

    smelltheglove wrote: »
    Apologies but in my opinion you must be quite sensitive to read it like that.
    Considering I read it the same way I don't think it requires any sensitivity to read that into it.


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    #38
    smelltheglove
    Registered Users Posts: 4,503 ✭✭✭smelltheglove


    bluewolf wrote: »
    Yes. I don't care. I know people take this as "oh you're suppressing it", but I'm really not. I've never met him. If he wanted to meet up I might go along with it but I'm not particularly curious. I don't have any particular feelings toward him. As far as I am concerned I have a loving family and never wanted for anything.



    Considering I read it the same way I don't think it requires any sensitivity to read that into it.

    Apologies if it read that way, it was in no way meant that way. I have apologised for this already, again basing upon experience. I'm glad your experience was different, it gives another side to the whole situation.


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    #39
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Can we keep the posts civil please.

    It's a tough one and as parents we try not to take any needless risks and to minimise the risks our kids take/get exposed to, but while we can say don't jump of high walls or stick your hand in the fire the emotional risks are harder as we know how it can impact on their happiness, self identity and self esteem.

    I would suggest meeting with your child's father to find out what has changed with him,
    and to tell him more about your child, the child you both have.

    I would make him up an album of a whole range of pictures of all the things he missed, like a baby book of when they walked talked, pictures of them growing up and being happy. I woudl give it to him and say this is our child and I have done my best to make sure they have everything and that they are happy and if you are going to be in their life to add to their life and make it richer and happier then wonderful, but it has been hard work the last few years and please don't make it harder.

    Then find out what his expectations are, how much contact he wants and find away to start it off gently with meeting him for lunch to do the introductions to working up to him taking her off for a few hours and then to regular visitation and maybe eventually over nights, if he has suitable accommodation and discuss what is suitable.

    Hopefully he does want to be in his child's life and can do so with out rocking the boat too much.


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    #40
    amiable
    Registered Users Posts: 12,206 ✭✭✭✭amiable


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    Can we keep the posts civil please.

    It's a tough one and as parents we try not to take any needless risks and to minimise the risks our kids take/get exposed to, but while we can say don't jump of high walls or stick your hand in the fire the emotional risks are harder as we know how it can impact on their happiness, self identity and self esteem.

    I would suggest meeting with your child's father to find out what has changed with him,
    and to tell him more about your child, the child you both have.

    I would make him up an album of a whole range of pictures of all the things he missed, like a baby book of when they walked talked, pictures of them growing up and being happy. I woudl give it to him and say this is our child and I have done my best to make sure they have everything and that they are happy and if you are going to be in their life to add to their life and make it richer and happier then wonderful, but it has been hard work the last few years and please don't make it harder.

    Then find out what his expectations are, how much contact he wants and find away to start it off gently with meeting him for lunch to do the introductions to working up to him taking her off for a few hours and then to regular visitation and maybe eventually over nights, if he has suitable accommodation and discuss what is suitable.

    Hopefully he does want to be in his child's life and can do so with out rocking the boat too much.
    I think you touched on a very important point here.
    A house share with a bunch of lads would not be appropriate imo


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    #41
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    Haven't read all the replies so sorry if I'm repeating anyone.


    My daughters dad walked when I was a few weeks pregnant. He disappeared and I haven't seen him since, nor heard from him. She's nearly 8 now.

    If I got a call next week from him I'd allow him to see her. Not for him, because clearly I think he's a total sh1t.
    But for her.

    Because she has asked about him. She has cried over him. She has missed him even though she has never met him.

    However, I will also say that I would fight him every step of the way if he ever started trying to lay down the law with regards to her upbringing.

    I'd let him in a little at a time. But if he came back all guns blazing making demands of me and her, he'd be met with a frosty reception.


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    #42
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Baby steps tbh, there is no point over whelming him with standards and demands.
    Start with discussion each next step before hand a trying to agree and reach a middle ground as how things are to be done.


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    #43
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am thinking a lot about this at the moment. My Ds is just turned 8 and was doing family tree yesterday in school. He told me his family and even though I knew it it hit home hard. He does not know he does not have a father. I know this sounds strange but he has never asked and does not realise anything is missing. He views my father, brother and brother in law as the men in his life. He calls my father dad because I do but also calls him granddad. I dont want to upset him by telling him the truth even though he is 8 he has been sick his whole life and very young for his years. I know I have to tell him but how? His father and I had a very brief relationship and had broken up before i realised i was pregnant I have tried to track him down but without result plus I am sure I could try harder. I know I am being selfish but we have a happy quiet life, our own house and pets with his health bad I am scared of crushing his world.


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    #44
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    aisling20 wrote: »
    I am thinking a lot about this at the moment. My Ds is just turned 8 and was doing family tree yesterday in school. He told me his family and even though I knew it it hit home hard. He does not know he does not have a father. I know this sounds strange but he has never asked and does not realise anything is missing. He views my father, brother and brother in law as the men in his life. He calls my father dad because I do but also calls him granddad. I dont want to upset him by telling him the truth even though he is 8 he has been sick his whole life and very young for his years. I know I have to tell him but how? His father and I had a very brief relationship and had broken up before i realised i was pregnant I have tried to track him down but without result plus I am sure I could try harder. I know I am being selfish but we have a happy quiet life, our own house and pets with his health bad I am scared of crushing his world.

    I am sure he already knows. If my son was asking at 2 years and three months believe me your eight year old knows.


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