Lost My Brother

Darthhoob

i'm not sure where to start with this, as there is more to this than simply losing my brother...which in itself is more than bad enough.

last friday morning, i recieved a call from the paramedic that my brother (lets call him had died, he lived with my dad...they didn't get on (non of us get on with dad really as he is beyond difficult, has been all our lives)...he moved back in the family home when my mum died to be there for dad, but got 'trapped' there and there was a lot of ill feeling, mostly on dad's part as he was of the opinion my brother was under his feet, he asked him to move out before he died, which my brother was working towards anyway.
he was only 40, and there is no obvious reason to his death, even now a week later we do not know. the post mortum was inconclusive and so further tests are to be made which can take upto 2-3 weeks what we do know is that he was asleep on his bed when he passed, not in bed...more like he was sitting on the bed then laid back and relaxed then slipped away if that makes sense. we also know it was 2 days before dad found him...which as you can imagine has created even more anger than there was before (from me and my other brother..especially my other brother who was a couple of years older than the deceased).

because of this anger my older bro (lets call him A)stayed away from my dad...cos he was worried about saying/doing something he shouldn't...as it is he beat up the shed as they were taking B's body away.

dad ofc feels bad about not finding him before the 2 days....and i tried my hardest to put my feelings aside for my dad, telling him not to beat himself up about it, even when i got 'the call' i cried my heart out...then stopped and put my feelings aside for dad as i knew he needed me...and i've not been able to get those feelins back yet, despite taking the time to myself to grieve, i've just not been able to. my body is grieving i think, as i am not eating and cant cope doing the simplest of things...but i feel....nothing really...just anger (and that didn't come till dad was being nasty). i was close to B he was my closest family member, the only one who really got involved with my eldest son who has SEN, the only one to ever show any support to us, the only one i could REALLY talk to....my OH loved him to bits too...as they are both doctor who fans (geeks lol).

after the post mortum was done, A got the call and so went to see dad to tell him the news (that it was inconclusive and more tests to be done)...that is when the **** hit the fan. he went there with good intentions of telling dad stuff and being amicable...but dad started being nasty, saying horrible things about our dead brother (he never says anything nice about anyone...ever)..my brother did lose it a bit and they argued, dad was going on about how he had no support from us on friday when we were both there...which isn;t true at all. we both tried to comfort him as much as possible...even if tbh it didn't feel natural. A didn;t shut his feelings out like i did...but he tried to show sympathy to dad...as did i. i did his housework for him and made sure he ate and drank as he is diabetic. however dad never once shown us anything...not that we were bothered at the time but now he is going on about how we didn;t show him anything it makes us quite angry that he can say that but didn;t show us anything at all...he didn;t even put his arm round us back when comforting him. it's all very one sided.

he then sent ME a nasty text saying "i must have been a **** father because my god did i spawn a **** family". i never did anything to dad at this point except be there for him and do stuff for him. except that one day where i needed it for myself and the kids...hoping my grief will come but it never did.

i didn't text back, i would have rung him but i've avoided him since as tbh i'd lose it if i spoke to him...i dunno what to do. my OH went round and tried talking to him. my OH is bloody great to be doing all this...he went round and sorted some of my B's things out..as dad wants everything gone ASAFP. he's also told the coroner not to tell me or A anything..and to only contact him. it seems he hopes to organise the funeral on his own with me or A's imput....luckily A is the one to have signed the paperwork with the coroner so they'll ring him and stuff anyway...so that's messed dad's plans up thankfully. it would have also meant dad wouldn;t tell us what mark died from...which i'd never have forgiven him for. you may think how do i know he would do that...i dont but i do know the type of man he is and i wouldn't put it passed him. he's not even checked there was a will (though apparently he's looked and there isn't one but we dont know that for certain)before making a quick buck out of B's things and getting rid of the rest...thankfully we have the large doctor who collection (lol) but only cos dad doesn't know how to sell it (he said that himself)...we dunno what to do with it either...as we want it to either stay in the family as an heirloom...but it takes up alot of room...or go to fans who will really appreciate it properly.
i sound like i hate dad...i dont...i just dont like him and i know he's 'made money' out of a death before. i understand he is grieving but he really does not acknowledge that other people are too...he has always been like this, thinking everyone else in the world have cushty lives and are ok and him thinking he is the only one to have problems and feel pain. he has never ever seen another person's point of view...even when clearly and calmly explained to him. we have a lot of bad history...some of which was about my son with Autism. i've TRIED my hardest to see things from his point of view but he is making it extremely difficult cos he never does the same.

sorry for going on and on...there is still loads to say but i have written a HUGE essay lol. i just wish i could grieve...but i just can't and i feel even more anger for that.

Deki

Seems there were lots of problems before brother passed. I don't think your Dad will change. All you can hope for is civility. My Mother was a lot like that.
I was very sad when she passed- not from missing her as much as from thinking about what might have been. She was not very happy with herself so she accused others for her problems and blamed others.
I think that in time you will feel your grief, I think now you are just overwhelmed. I wish there were easy solutions to these things but you just have to take it one day at a time. My heart goes out to you.

xp90

Thoughts and prayers are with you OP

axel rose

It sounds like your dad (who clearly has a lot of issues) is angry and scared. I'm so sorry that your brother died. I know how painful it is not knowing what happened. I'm glad that your partner is there for you.

Your dad is doing what he wants/needs to do, it doesnt mean that you have to put up with it. Walk away when he becomes too abusive and disrespectful.

Darthhoob

well, it's got alot better. my OH bless him managed to break down dad's wall a little, and i think it's sunk in that we are all hurting and should all make more effort to get on. we still dont know how my brother died as that could take weeks/months....BUT we were given enough paperwork to be able to hold a funeral and lay him to rest...which takes ALOT off our minds.

me, A and dad managed to pull together and book the funeral for next monday, then we all went for a pub meal and a chat...and tbh it was nice...just hope it stays that way lol

best of all, we got the doctor who theme tune to be the music at the end...sound corny but everyone who knows B will appreciate that that is what he'd LOVE

axel rose

Ah I'm so glad that the situation has improved. I know how torturous it can be waiting for the cause of death. It will time but with some luck you will get some answers.

There may be a few surprised faces at the funeral though . Best of luck to all of you.

Deki

I'm glad you are all getting on better.:) i think Doctor Who theme song is wonderful, music is great way of handling grief. I wish all the best for your family in coming together and hope you can help one another. (sounds like you have a great OH too - congratulations on that.) Blessings on all f you.:)

theg81der

I`m so sorry can`t imagine. Friend lost her brother 2 months ago she`s going through hell but with him it was drugs so at least she had a reason.

My prayers and thoughts are truly with you, I hope you at last get an answer xxx.

Darthhoob

the funeral went really nicely, we're still getting on ok, it's my other brother's birthday today and he's flying to corfu tomorrow (the funeral was on the morning he was meant to be flying out ...booked it last year) the doctor who theme tune went down well lol, everyone i spoke to agreed it was superb 'song' to say goodbye to, so many people turned up, chapel was full and we hired the large chapel! we had people from the USA fly over to be there...even a random guy in the pub during the wake recognised my brother's face from a pamphlet he saw and got upset (he never knew his full name) and there were lots of doctor who themed flowers lol.

it's still not sunk in yet though, we were close before mum died but he moved back in with dad after that and although could still talk to eachother about anything we didn't see eachother much, except on FB and the occassional weekend he took my son swimming (took him every two weeks but as i dont drive my OH was the one to ferry them around and he usually got dropped off at home)...so i dont miss him yet if you know what i mean? i seem to constantly remind myself that i wont see him again, and that he has gone...

Deki

THis is the hard part. It's very comforting to know how loved our missing ones were and still are, but the reality that they aren't there anymore - not going to answer the phone, not going to turn up at the door, not going to be at the other end of the e mail, is slow to sink in. I think it's a trick of our minds to help us deal with our grief just a little at a time. Time will help, soon the realization won't be a tiny shock and will only be a gentle sigh. Soon you can treasure the memories without the swift stab to the heart. I wish you and your family peace and healing.:)

Dude111

he then sent ME a nasty text saying "i must have been a **** father because my god did i spawn a **** family".

He is feeling alot of resentment and anger,its importanrt to still try to be there for him.....


My thoughts and prayers are with you!!