Sick of been disabled and feeling like killing myself

user031010

I have for years of my life suffered immense physical, social and mental pain and despair and at this stage it’s becoming a bit too much. I have always been conscious of the fact that I am partially disabled, but as of late it’s really started to torture and torment me on a daily basis. I guess I cannot describe it really, but each day is spent in frustration at the fact that I am different, and treated as different, albeit in either a cruel or mocking manner – and not only that, but having to live with the associated physical pain and irritation of my condition.
I have also started to hate my mother, which is unusual in many respects because I used to be very close to her. I guess I have come to despise her as my condition is a rare disorder, and it angers me that her body couldn’t give birth to a normal child. In fact I’m starting to actively hate and despise the woman as I have next to know quality of life and live in frustration in the knowledge that surgery cannot relieve my condition. Every time I have went to orthopaedic surgeon it’s the usual crap about not been able to operate because of the spinal cord and the risk of paralysis occurring.

So stuck been a rock and a hard place, I have to live life as not only an outcast, and suffer in physical pain in silence – but also have to accept the fact that not only is surgery dangerous, but surgeons are unwilling to operate.

I am 24 and am going for a consultation with an orthopaedic surgeon soon to see can they do anything about my condition, and to be honest if I get the usual “nah, nothing we can do” I’m going to either put a bullet in my head, or drink poison because I’m ****ing sick of it – just as I’m sick of been treated like a second class citizen my whole life, to be derided and mocked half of the time.

I do not know if this is a psychological issue, but I would still like advice here as I hate talking to people (at least most people) about my problems face to face, least I get locked up. I appreciate it, nothing can convince me otherwise at this stage with regard to living (even the catholic threat of hell which has basically instilled a fear within me of carrying it out over the years) – and I don’t say that lightly, I suffer from physical pain in the neck and shoulders; have difficulty moving my upper body; have suffered numerous breakdowns over the years; have OCD/ agoraphobia/ depression, and think I’m developing more mental conditions at this stage. I also talk to a picture which has a person on it, partially because they cannot mock me.

And to be honest I’m becoming nothing but a grumpy bastard, which is unusual for somebody at as young an age as 24 – and have been taking my frustration out on other people (passive aggressively and in rarer cases verbally) because I am paranoid that they are secretly laughing at my physical condition. This is not unfounded as I have been bullied (which has taken years out of my life) and treated like a second class citizen or like a piece of dirt by so many people throughout the years.

I used to accept this physical condition, and try to continue life in a rational manner and try my best to look on the up side of life, but not any more. As a well-rounded, mentally normal individual for the majority of life I feel all of this is slowly driving me to insanity, and thoughts of ending it have not come about all of a sudden as they do with many people – just has been gradually growing on me for at least a year and a half, about the time I moved out of home. I fear I am going crazy and becoming a borderline deranged lunatic which would make my life harder and more unusual than it already is.

I’m not going to go any longer here but all I can say is that I do not fear death at this stage. Many people, if not most people fear death – even during their down and out periods, but I however am beginning to see it as release from physical and mental torture, and the monotony of day-to-day life and the fear of leaving the front door, in the morning (whether to university/ shops etc). I’m sick of been a mutant, and been refined to my room – where half of the time is spent loathing my situation, and the lack of a solution for this condition. I’ve also gone as far as to believe that the disabled are unworthy of life in general, despite me been one. If I actually had a wish it would be that no other child in history would be born with a disability – because it’s nothing but caste status and mental and physically suffering (mostly silent as it’s embarrassing to discuss these issues in the open).

Am I wrong in thinking this, or are my beliefs well founded?

Please could you give me advice. Thank you.

aidan_walsh

Please see a doctor or professional psychologist.

I don't say this to be dismissive or glib, but I believe that you would be far better off speaking to someone on a one to one basis whose is trained to be able to help you than getting advice from someone who may not know what would be best for you.

Rockery Woman

Please make an appointment with a psychologist to discuss this. You need to speak to someone with experience in this matter.

dashboard_hula

Hi user031010,

I would echo the recommendations above. But if you need to speak to someone tonight, if you need to get it out or talk to someone, please call 1850 60 90 90 (Samaritans). They can't give you advice, but they can give you a confidential, safe and non-judgemental space to listen and talk, no matter how difficult or all-encompassing the issue.

Take care.

user031010

Rockery Woman wrote: »

Please make an appointment with a psychologist to discuss this. You need to speak to someone with experience in this matter.

I do not like talking about these issues to people face-to-face, I find it easier discussing such issues anonymously online.

user031010

dashboard_hula wrote: »

Hi user031010,

I would echo the recommendations above. But if you need to speak to someone tonight, if you need to get it out or talk to someone, please call 1850 60 90 90 (Samaritans). They can't give you advice, but they can give you a confidential, safe and non-judgemental space to listen and talk, no matter how difficult or all-encompassing the issue.

Take care.

Thank you for your advice, but to be honest surgeons and not samaritans are the only way out of this cul-de-sac and life of absolute crap.

But I still appreciate your advice/ help.

boatbuilder

Yes its a lot easier to talk about things online. I believe everyone exists here on earth for a purpose. You may never know what that purpose is, but I still believe that by going about your everyday life and going through all of the crap that life throws at you, that somehow your contribution makes the world a better place. Of course I'm coming at it from a (non-denominational) christian stand-point and I believe that somehow....and maybe only god knows how...somehow your going through tough times is for a reason. Just know that god loves you just as much as a person who doesn't have a disability.

krankykitty

user031010 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice, but to be honest surgeons and not samaritans are the only way out of this cul-de-sac and life of absolute crap.

But I still appreciate your advice/ help.

I know you feel that it won't help, but please try talking to someone, preferrably a professional or a voluntary organisation such as the Samaritans. I believe you're able to email them too (jo@samaritans.org)

Also, if you simply wish to talk online here about what's going on for you, you might get more responses over in the Personal Issues forum (the psychology forum is more about discussion of psychological theories etc rather than individual issues). The link for that forum is here

EDIT - if you are feeling suicidal OP, contact this organisation to discuss your options Pieta House .

I really am sorry that you're feeling so bad OP... hope discussing the issue helps in some way.