Dental plan!

krudler

Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »

Announcer: Attention on deck! Captain Tenille wishes to address you!
Tenille: [clears throat] I'm a man of few words. [pause] Any questions?

"Is the poop deck really what I think it is?"

Padkir

Royce McCutcheon wrote: »

Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before!

No deal McCutcheon!!

DazMarz

<Homer storms into the Kwik-E-Mart Gougers dressing room with Lisa in tow>

Homer: Ok, hotshots! Now that my daughter is on your team, I wanna make a few things clear!

Lisa: Please, Dad... I'll be fine!

Homer: Blugh, blugh, blugh, blugh, blugh.* I don't want anyone to give her a hard time, just because she's different! No jokes, no taunting...

<Homer spots Uter, the fat German kid, standing off to one side wearing only his boxers>

Homer: BAHAHA!!! Look! That kid's got bosoms!!! Who's got a wet towel?!

<Homer proceeds to whip at Uter with the wet towel while chasing him around the dressing room>

Homer: Heh heh, yee! C'mere, ya butterball!!!

Uter: Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!!! Ooh...




(* Homer makes some kind of a dismissive noise at Lisa's concerns, and this is the closest approximation of this sound that I can type. :P )

Kent: But first, we all stink!

Man: "We all"...hey!

Kent: That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield as the least popular city in America.

[cut to Skinner tied to a stake on top of a pyre]

In science, dead last.


Skinner: I'm telling you people, the earth revolves around the sun!

Abe: Burn him!

Shutton: What a story! [takes a photo]

Abe: [chasing him] You've stolen my soul!

ivytwine

corblimey wrote: »

Milhouse: Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.

Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing
of earrings unless you're of Gypsy extraction.
Milhouse: Well, uh, I'm a Gypsy.
Skinner: Oh, really! Prove it.
Milhouse: Uh, I vant to suck your blood!
Skinner: Uh-uh, that's a vampire. But they're also covered.
Carry on.

corblimey

Homer: This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet. Tell her what you do.
Chet: I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
Homer: Oh.. but you.. RUN it.. right?
Chet: Oh yea.
Homer: Okay... uh... this is your second cousin, Stanley!
Stanley: Um... I shoot birds at the airport.
Homer: Everybody hates birds, right? Wehh, you look pretty successful!
Relative 1: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. At least, I'd... like to.
Relative 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
Relative 3: I beg celebrities for money!
Relative 4: I'm a prison snitch.
Relative 5: Jug band manager.
Relative 6: My legs hurt!

ivytwine

I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS MIDLEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

dr.fuzzenstein

Has this been posted?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OD9_HOjrVg

corblimey

Oh Sideshow Bob.

spitfireIRL

Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.
Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.
Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

toastedpickles

I just heard this place existeeeeed (not really but we'l pretend)

And

Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to threeee: medium brown....

dan1895

"Lisa, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand"

michaelr666

Jimbo: Oh look, a novelty flying disc.

Bart: HEY, thats my novelty flying disc.

spitfireIRL

spitfireIRL wrote: »

Mr. Burns: Something is not right about Larry's upbringing. Send for the boys of Yale at once!

(Burns' office. Two admissions officers from Yale are by his desk)

Mr. Burns: Well, how did the interview go?

Male Admissions Officer: Larry made light of my weight, then suggested my motto ought to be "Semper Fudge". Afterwards he told me to "relax" and "forget about it".

Male Admissions Officer: "Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution. For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms. 300, a new dormitory. And in Larry's case, we would need an international airport."

Female Admissions Officer: "Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns."

Mr. Burns: "Are you mad? I'm not made of airports! Get out!"

Trebor176

Ned Flanders: I]awakened by the phone ringing[/I Howdily-diddely.
Homer: I]on the phone via the auto-dialer[/I Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look.
Ned Flanders: I]hangs up[/I Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Maude Flanders: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: I]Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again[/I Howdily-di.
Homer: Greetings, friends.
Ned Flanders: I]hangs up[/I Dang!
Maude Flanders: I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: But it could be my mother!
I]the phone rings[/I
Ned Flanders: Howdy...
Homer: Greetings, friends...
Ned Flanders: I]hangs up[/I Shoot!
Maude Flanders: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer: I]out his window[/I Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

Chauffeur: I'm here to pick up the Ambassador from Ghana.

Lisa: Well he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here!! You've all been tricked!

Chauffeur: Why would the Ambassador do such a thing?

Hidden Cyclone

Gloria S.: Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.

John S.: That's enough, Gloria!

Reverend Lovejoy: John, why don't you speak?

John S.: She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she

[shouts]

John S.: smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's the queen of the harpies!

Gloria S.: No, I'm not.

John S.: [shouts] Queen of the harpies!

Gloria S.: No, I'm not!

John S.: [shouts] Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Queen of the harpies!

Gloria S.: Get away from me, you swine!

talla10

Homer; That's funny we didn't have a message before we left....

Answering machine; Hello Mother....Hello Father... here i am at Camp Granada

Homer; Marge! Is Lisa gone to Camp Granada?

BonnieSituation

Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! [finds a vanity license plate rack] Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?

Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.

Mother: No. Come along, Bort.

Man: Are you talking to me?

Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

[video]http://youtu.be/VakEHKq5y1g[/video]

BonnieSituation

Even thinking about that scene makes me calf.

talla10

BonnieSituation wrote: »

Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! [finds a vanity license plate rack] Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?

Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.

Mother: No. Come along, Bort.

Man: Are you talking to me?

Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

[video]http://youtu.be/VakEHKq5y1g[/video]

Operator; Warning!!! Warning!! We are dangerously low on 'Bort' name plates in the gift shop!

dan1895

BonnieSituation wrote: »

Even thinking about that scene makes me calf.

Don't have a cow man!

Nerdkiller1991

dan1895 wrote: »

Don't have a cow man!

"Ohhh, you haven't said that in 4 years!"

corblimey

Nerdkiller1991 wrote: »

"Ohhh, you haven't said that in 4 years!"

Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Dirty Dingus McGee

"It must be coming towards us at a fantastic speed!"

DazMarz

JUST EAT THE DAMN ORANGES!!!

Trebor176

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Nevermind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosiiiiiis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word.
Grampa: What, seeeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about seeex? I had seeeeex.
(Homer shudders upon hearing Grampa tell him)

Titzon Toast

"Did you know that Lardglugg contains neither lard nor glugg?"

Royce McCutcheon

Moe: "I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. Not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that."

BeerWolf

Homer: You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.
______

Homer: I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am.
______

Homer: I never apologise, I'm sorry, but that's the way I am.