Dental plan!

Omackeral

Abe (in response to Bart being spanked by George HW Bush): Big deal! When I was a pup we got spanked by Presidents 'til the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non - consecutive occasions.

Marge: Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment!

Abe: And that's why your no-good kids are running wild! *points at Lisa, sitting, quietly reading a book*

ivytwine

Let your children run wild and free, for as the old saying goes... Let your children run wild and free!

Genghiz Cohen

Omackeral wrote: »

Abe (in response to Bart being spanked by George HW Bush): Big deal! When I was a pup we got spanked by Presidents 'til the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non - consecutive occasions.

ProTip: Grover Cleveland is the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms.

(inb4 "That's the joke")

corblimey

Homer: That Timmy is a real hero!
Lisa: How do you mean, Dad?
Homer: Well, he fell down a well, and... he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well, that's more than you did!

corblimey

Selma: That MacGyver's a genius.
Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor.
Selma: You're lying! You're lying!
Sideshow Bob: No, Selma. This is lying. That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.

toastedpickles

Next time you see the sheriff, shoot him!
-crowd gasps-

A smile!

dr.fuzzenstein

toastedpickles wrote: »

Next time you see the sheriff, shoot him!
-crowd gasps-

A smile!

From the same episode:
And so this horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved trademarks.

corblimey

Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved "The Joy Luck Club". It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity.
Amy Tan: No, that's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.
Lisa: But--
Amy Tan: Please just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us.

(and then Homer moves away from her in embarrassment when she sits back down)

krudler

Homer:"To find Flanders, I have to THINK like Flanders!"
*Homer's internal monologue* "I'm a big four eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater ever da-"
"To the Springfield River!!"

corblimey

Administrator: And what are your reasons for wanting a Little Brother?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!
Homer: Uh, revenge?
Homer's brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here. (footsteps, and a slamming door)

Please do not offer my god a peanut

Precious flower

DazMarz wrote: »

I think that this is one of the more touching moments in this history of The Simpsons. That was one thing that it was able to do, without going overly mawkish or saccharine. It could pull moments of absolute emotion that everyone could relate to.

It's from the episode "Bart Sells His Soul".

Bart trudges home in the rain, having been unable to find the piece of paper with "Bart Simpson's Soul" written on it. Comic Book Guy traded it with Milhouse for Pogs, and has since sold it on and won't tell Bart who he sold it to.

Bart arrives home and starts to pray by his bedside; his voice cracks near tears several times.

Bart: Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid too much attention in church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm... afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul, and I don't know what they're doing to it. I just want it back... Please? <Bart starts to cry> Oh, I hope you can hear this...

As if by magic, "Bart Simpson's Soul" flutters down onto the bed in front of him. Overjoyed, Bart hugs the paper to his chest. He looks around, and it is Lisa who has dropped the paper in front of him.

Bart: Lisa? You bought this?

Lisa: With the change in my piggybank.

Bart: There's no change in your piggybank!

Lisa: Not in any of the ones you know about...

Bart: (overjoyed, emotional) Oh, Lis'... thank you! <gives her a peck on the cheek>

Lisa: Happy to do it! But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul. That you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer...

Bart is now eating the piece of paper

Lisa: ... like you did last night.

Bart: (flippant) Uh-huh. <burps>

Cut to: Bart sleeping happily, with a smile on his face, his soul back where it belongs




I always just found that moment so nice, and showed how, despite it all, Bart and Lisa do love each other as brother and sister and come through for each other when it really counts.

Oh love that episode!! That reminded me of the hockey episode where Bart and Lisa are pitting against each other and then you have a flashback to them when they were small, it's so sweet!!:)

dr.fuzzenstein

"Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? ... Here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped."

Summer wind

For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "your making a scene".

Trebor176

Lisa: "Uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom."
Grampa: "Death stalks you at every turn!"
Lisa: "Grampa!"
Grampa: "Well, it does. Aaah! Death! There it is. Death!"
Lisa: "It's only Maggie."
Grampa: " Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So, aaah! Death!"
Lisa: "That's only the cat."
Grampa: "Oh. Aah! Death!"
Lisa: "That's Maggie again, Grampa."
Grampa: "Oh. Where were we? Death!"

Lyrical

Homer: I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me.Friends, co-workers, Tibor...I never thought it'd be my own wife.

Marge: Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder.

Homer: Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver!

Marge:Oh, really? I came to see you three times today.Twice you were sleeping, and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around!

Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy.I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, good-night.

corblimey

Mrs. K: Well, then, you're ready for your make-up test.
Bart: Ohhhhhh...my ovaries.

Rawr

Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer Simpson: Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.
Kent Brockman: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer Simpson: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: [pause] Well, touché.

Royce McCutcheon

"I told you, my memory is fuzzy... Fuzzy!"
"Fuzzy?! Like Willy's beard!"
"Yes! Exactly! No, no... I mean, the whole incident is hazy..."
"Hazy? LIke the moors of Scotland!?!"

corblimey

Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad's upstairs.

Kerplunk124

Hello Mrs Cumberdale

homemadecider

Burns: Fear not, I’ll get you to a hospital — the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!

RobbingBandit

Homer: I guess you could say he's barking up the wrong Bush!

Homers Brain: There it is Homer, the smartest thing you will ever say and nobody heard it!

Homer: D'oh

ireland.man

Groundskeeper Willie: I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.

[holds up his fingers, which are misshapen]

Groundskeeper Willie: I got it from space invaders in 1977.

Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.

Groundskeeper Willie: Video game?!

DazMarz

Groundskeeper Willie: I'm tellin' ye! I could nae have shot Burns!

Willie then slowly uncrosses and recrosses his legs, a la Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, causing the police officers present to cringe and flinch. Eddie draws his gun and aims it at Groundskeeper Willie

Officer Eddie: This is your last warning about that!

dr.fuzzenstein

Ha ha! People died in those clothes!

haro124

Bart: How about, "Crocodiles bit off my face."
Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.
Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

Trebor176

Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
[a few people raise their hands]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest...
[everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

---

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson?
[chuckles]
Sideshow Bob: The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.

Orim

Trebor176 wrote: »

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson?
[chuckles]
Sideshow Bob: The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.

Sideshow Bob: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say die Bart die?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German
[unveils tattoo]
Sideshow Bob: for 'The Bart The'.
Parole Board Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

Omackeral

Homer rushes off to buy Bart a present.

Owner of Creepy Evil Store :We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call ``Frogurt''!

Homer tells the owner that he is looking for a present for his son's
birthday. The owner hands to him a talking Krusty doll.

Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Owner: That's bad.