Dental plan!

"Welcome back space girl"

toastedpickles

If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange eating class!


the eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage

JUST EAT THE DAMN ORANGES!!!

Lyrical

Lawyer: Your Honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence, I'd still like to call Freddy Quimby to the stand. So that we can all bask in his gentle decency. [Freddy stands up, grins winningly at audience, takes stand] Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mr. LaCoste?

Freddy: Of course not. I love each and every thing on God's green earth.

Lawyer: Therefore, you would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder".

Freddy: That's "chowdah"! Chowdah! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you, especially those of you in the jury!
[Man on the jury mutters, "He's clearly guilty"]

Lawyer: Wow, that didn't go well. The defense rests.

Rawr

Lionel Hutz: Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she *forgot* that bottle of... delicious... bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting.
[holds the bottle to his ear]

Lionel Hutz: [whispering] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!
[puts it down]

Lionel Hutz: Excuse me.
[he runs out of the courtroom, finds a payphone and quickly dials]

Lionel Hutz: Hello, David? I'm really tempted!

David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.

Lionel Hutz: I love you too, man.

dr.fuzzenstein

Lionel Hutz should have gotten a spinoff.



Lionel Hutz: And so ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I rest my case.

Judge Snyder: Hmm. Mr Hutz. Do you realize you're not wearing any pants?

Lionel Hutz: I... Ahh!

[David Crosby shakes his head in shame]

Lionel Hutz: I move for a 'bad court thingy'.

Judge Snyder: You mean a *mistrial?*

Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the 'judge' and I'm the 'law talking guy?'

Judge Snyder: The *lawyer?*

Lionel Hutz: Right.

corblimey

Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels.

agent graves

homer. “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail”

razorblunt

I was watching a Season 24 episode recently (Homer wins an i-Pad) and Marge asks him to read Maggie a bedtime story and gives him a book:

Homer: Paperback? What are we cavemen?
<fire in their front room crackles and bursts a little>
Homer runs over screaming and hitting it with a poker until it calms down.

gregers85

corblimey

Made me laugh while standing looking at the BBQ stuff in Dunnes:

Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

and
It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!

suicide_circus

Marge: So do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?

Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.

Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Rawr

Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all.

Homer: [whispering] Will that hold up in court?

Lionel Hutz: No, I've tried it.

Suckler

Mr. Burns: so you say Batista is gone....did you know that
Homer: (genuinely shocked) I had no idea

Peregrine

Homer gets abducted by aliens.

Homer: "Oh, my god, space aliens! Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!"



Later

Democrat: "Mr President, sir, people are becoming confused by how you and your opponent are..well..constantly holding hands."

Kang: "We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it!"

dr.fuzzenstein

Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.

Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.





Kodos: It's true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us.

Man 1: He's right, this is a two-party system.

Man 2: Well I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.

Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away.

Trebor176

Always makes me laugh:

toastedpickles

Fiddle-dee-dee that will require a tetanus shot.
I'm not going to swear, but i am going to KICK THIS DOG HOUSE DOWN!!!!

paddylonglegs

Rawr wrote:

David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.

I never got that David Crosby reference ( in fact I didn't even know it was David Crosby )

Assuming it's the same David Crosby from Crosby, stills and Nash, I'm guessing he is a recovering alcoholic ?

God that was a lot of Crosbys right there

corblimey

Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.

dr.fuzzenstein

Trebor176 wrote: »

Always makes me laugh:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3FwfQ1_7UI

D'oh!

Peregrine

He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! THAT WASN'T PAAAAARRT!!

RhubarbCrumble

"Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?"
"Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?"
"Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?"

wnolan1992

Sideshow Mel: Thank you so much for inviting me tonight Krusty!
Krusty: Yeah, I thought a loud public place would be the best place to tell you I've been dating your wife.
Mel: Wha-?
Krusty: Oh, and can you tell her I'm dumping her? After 11 years the thrill has gone.

:pac:

RainyDay

Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over.
Waiter: Please, kill me.

PA Announcer: We need more Bort license plates in the Gift Shop. Repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.

Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.
Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.
Marge: Mmmmm...
Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Marge: Mmmmmmm...

Ticket Taker at Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land: (with a French accent) Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land. Open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh?! C'mon, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!

Itchy and Scratchy land employee removing robot face.

Robot Scratchy: Ahh!

I&S land employee: I really wish they wouldn't scream.

dr.fuzzenstein

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

"Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?"
"Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?"
"Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?"

I love how this builds on that:

Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of—
Lisa and Bart: "Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?"
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement by the adding of chocolate to milk.

toastedpickles

Dateline: Springfield. With prohibition back in force, sobriety's peaceful slogan was shattered by its noisy neighbor: the Speakeasy.

With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat, Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters: Rex Banner.

Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers like a chippy tearing into a lobster.

Dateline: Springfield. The elusive beer baron continues to thumb his nose at the authorities. Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say, "Look at me, Rex Banner! I have a new hat!"

And so, one town's brief flirtation with prohibition ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield! We wish you the very best!


To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems

RobbingBandit

Fat Tony [to Rex Banner]: How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here. [puts some cash into Rex's hand]

Rex Banner: [feeling the cash] Hey...this is nice! [returning to reality] No! No bribes!

Fat Tony: Okay. You win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroin.

Rex Banner: See that you do!

RobbingBandit

(Moe's bar is disguised as a pet shop during prohibition)

Rex Banner: Pet shop, eh? Well, I have one thing to say about that. What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1:00 in the morning?

Moe: Er, uh ... the ... best damn pet shop in town!

People: Yeah!

Rawr

Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, beer baron! And I'll find you.

Homer: No, you won't.

Rex Banner: Yes, I will!

Homer: Won't!