Dental plan!

ArmaniJeanss

Celebrate your country's independence by blowing up a small part of it.

Elba101

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Funglegunk

NASA scientist: Maybe we finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.

Posh-accented chimp: No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

jme2010

Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was ... I forgot .. . but the point is ... I forgot that too... Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car.

mfdc

Moe: Hey Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! heh heh heh
Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you! I do enjoy my new job at the bowling alley!

Then later when he walks in on the baby shower...

Homer: What's this...? It seems you're *showering* Marge with gifts! Little tiny *baby sized* gifts...... well, I'll be in the tub.
Mrs. Lovejoy: Oh by the way Homer, congratulations on the new job.
Homer: New job... MARGE IS PREGNANT!??! AAAAAAAGHHH!

And then the whole series of flashbacks to the other pregnancies, running around screaming tearing his hair out ("I can't believe he reacted so badly!" "Well, actually...") Absolutely classic

edit: also just remembered

Homer: We always have one good kid and one bad kid! Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: THREE kids, we have three kids Homer.
Homer: Oh Marge the dog doesn't count as a kid...

sensibleken

the year is 19 ought 6. the president is the devine miss sarah bernhard and all over america people are doing the funky grandpa! ooooh im the....zzzzzzzzzz

Riddle101

Mr Burns: Smithers get me some of those strikebreakers. The ones they had in the 30's.

Later on
Grandpa Simpsons: We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of BUMBLEBEES on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

"My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say dickety because the Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. (the children laugh) What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem! Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet..."

"Then after World War Two, it got kinda quiet, 'til Superman challenged FDR to a race around the world. FDR beat him by a furlong, or so the comic books would have you believe. The truth lies somewhere in between."

"Not many people know this, but I owned the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. A he'd say; then B. C would usually follow.."

holla!

Carl: What do we want?
Crowd: More equitable treatment at the hands of management!
Carl: When do we want it?
Crowd: Soon!

Homer: Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito?

-BANG

Funglegunk

Fat Tony: You have 24 hours to give us our money. And to show you we're serious… you have 12 hours.

Louie: Troy McClure? I thought you said he was dead?
Fat Tony: No, what I said was he sleeps with the fishes.

Hollis Hurlbut: You're banned from this historical society! You, and your childen, and your children's children!! ....for 3 months!

El Siglo

"And that's how I earned the Iron Cross!"

ItsAWindUp

"This just in... Homer Simpson sleeps nude in an oxygen tent that he believes gives him sexual powers." "Hey, that's a half-truth!"

GarH

Legs: Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit ya?
Johnny Tightlips: I ain't sayin' nothin'.
Legs: But what'll I tell the doctor?
Johnny Tightlips: Tell him to suck a lemon.


Fat Tony: Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter?
Johnny Tightlips: I see a lot of things.
Fat Tony: You know, you could be a little more helpful


Fat Tony: Did you have a nice flight Johnny Tightlips?
Johnny: I aint' sayin' nothin'
Fat Tony: How is your mother.
Johnny: Oh, hey, who says I have a mother?


Classic

KnifeWRENCH

Dear Lisa,
As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime!
Sincerely,
Little girl.

pampootie

You're the birthday, you're the birthday, you're the birthday, boy or girl...

Funglegunk

Funglegunk wrote: »

NASA scientist: Maybe we finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.

Posh-accented chimp: No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Seeing as I couldn't find the video anywhere:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFSiuEM-toA

Teddy_Picker

Announcer: And now we return to Fox Night at the Movies: "Homer S: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber", starring Dennis Franz.
Homer: Ooh, portrait! Sounds classy!

Busi_Girl08

Homer - "Compu-Global-Hypomegonat. Homer Simpson, Junior Vice President speaking, how may I direct yout call?

...It's Patty :mad:"

Aldebaran

'Put it in H!'

krudler

This always makes me laugh in the episode where Homer is charging people to park on the lawn and theres a sign that says "$10 per axel" and a Eastern European looking guy pulls up in a car with about a dozen wheels.

Homer "woohoo!"
Easter dude "....horray!"

Lizard Queen

My name is Otto, and I love to get blotto!

Riddle101

Busi_Girl08 wrote: »

Homer - "Compu-Global-Hypomegonat. Homer Simpson, Junior Vice President speaking, how may I direct yout call?

...It's Patty :mad:"

Homer- I think i'll make myself vice president. No wait! Junior vice president.

dagdha

My cats breath smells like cat food.

secrecy_ie

You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron! And I'll find you...

D1976

No, you won't

dr gonzo

YES I will.

Simi

Won't!


Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas. (pulls out a piece of paper) Literacy programs. Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination--
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Uh, heh, that might be a typo.
Homer's Brain: Mental note, the girl knows too much.

ancapailldorcha

Guess who's been practicing medicine without a license.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3FwfQ1_7UI

jme2010

Otto:

...I don't need drugs to enjoy this.....





.....jUsT To ENhaNcE IT!

Acacia

Homer is watching PBS:

Voiceover: Donate now to save such great shows as 'Edward the Penitent'!

Cuts to show:

Edward: I'm really, really, really sorry! *kisses Pope's hand*

Pope: I'm afraid "sorry" just doesn't cut it with this Pope!