Dental plan!

jd007

Homer:"Morning Mr. Burns, heres your messages."
"You have 30 minutes to move your car."
"You have 10 minutes to move your car."
"Your car has been impounded."
"Your car has been crushed into a cube."
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

PHONE RINGS

Homer: "Yello, mr.Burns' office?"
Burns: "Is it about my cube?"

talla10

jd007 wrote: »

Homer:"Morning Mr. Burns, heres your messages."
"You have 30 minutes to move your car."
"You have 10 minutes to move your car."
"Your car has been impounded."
"Your car has been crushed into a cube."
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

PHONE RINGS

Homer: "Yello, mr.Burns' office?"
Burns: "Is it about my cube?"

Burns; Did you get me that report on the accounting department?
Homer; Yes Sir i did. The accounting department is located on the second floor. Its hours are 9am to 5pm and the manager is a Mr Johnson or Johnstone

Jordan 199

Derek: I can't think of anyone who's benefited more from the death of Communism than us.

Nigel: Oh, maybe the people who actually lived in the Communist countries.

Derek: Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that.

That_Guy

Jordan 199

Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?

Homer: (being sarcastic) No, I don't know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me as I'm dying to know.

Lisa: It's a German term for "shameful joy'" taking pleasure in the suffering of others.

Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall on his butt!

bodhrandude

Homer: Hello. My name is Mr Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Ok Mr. Burns. Whats your first name?
Homer: I Dont know

Brendog

The kitchen staff are complaining about the rats in the food pantry....

I want to hire new staff.

Brendog

Hot dog! A sale!

I'll take it from here buddy

God no please you gotta let me have this one stan. My wife is gonna leave me if I don't start bringing in the green. I'm begging ya, look at me. I'm begging ya Stan!!

Uh huh. Right this way sir.

*dials phone* Hi honey, ah you should've seen me with my last customer....No but I came so close and......whos that? Is that Fred? Awww you said it was over! NO DON'T PUT HIM ON! Hello Fred Hi!!

Jordan 199

Hi, I'm Troy McClure and I want to introduce you to a chewing gum that cleans and straightens teeth.

Infomercial co-host/guest: You mean it actually cleans and straightens teeth?

Troy: That's right Tina. Now let me introduce you to it's inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.

Nick Riviera: Hi everybody! Oh look, somebody with crooked yellow teeth.

corblimey

Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Googling" your own name until lunch
Homer: Gasp, who told you that?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!

the purple tin

Lisa: I like you, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a little sister.

Milhouse: No, I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?

Padkir

the purple tin wrote: »

Lisa: I like you, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a little sister.

Milhouse: No, I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?

*puts on pedantic hat*

It's actually big sister!

Sorry but I like my quotes accurate!! :D

mfdc

Moe: A "garage"! Hey fellas... a "garage"...! Well ooh la de da mister frenchman!
Homer: Well, what do you call it?
Moe: A car hole!

Homer: *gasp* A counterfeit jeans ring, operating out of my car hole! You wait here while I go tell everybody!
Herman: Not so fast!
Homer: Alright...
*Homer slows down*
Herman: Hmm, maybe you should just stop altogether.

Mobster: Oh no, it's Gloria Vanderbilt, out for revenge!!

Jordan 199

Homer: All you can eat, hah!

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, The Neverending Story.

Homer: Do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz: Now, Homer, I don't use the word 'hero' very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.

Otis Driftwood

Jordan 191 wrote: »

Homer stands on one foot, touching his noes with his eyes closed.

Homer: "W, X, Y & Z/Now I know my ABC's/ (switches to other foot) Won't you come and play with me?"

Eddie: Flawless.

Lou: We would have also accepted "Tell me what you think of me."

Barney - Use the breathalyser!

cocoshovel

Kent Brockman: Tonight we'll visit Springfields answer to the benedictine monks, The Rappin Rabbi's!
Rabbis: Don't eat pork! not even with a fork! Cant touch this!

Homer: Marge are we Jewish?
Marge:No Homer
Homer: Woohoo! *starts eating pig*

Jordan 199

Reverend Lovejoy: And now, to read from the Epistles of St. Paul, Homer Simpson.

Homer: Dear Lord, in your infinite wisdom, you know the number to call when you need a plow is KLONDIKE 5-3226.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, this is really low.

Homer: Not as low as my low, low prices!

corblimey

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair
Marge: That's not what I meant
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it

Jordan 199

Krusty the Clown: Give a hoot and read a book.

Padkir

Abe: He was right under my nose the whole time. He lives in my retirement home. His name is Malloy.

Lisa: Wow! How'd you track him down, Grampa?

Abe: Good question! On one of my frequent trips to the ground, I noticed Malloy wore sneakers...for sneaking. My next clue came yesterday at the museum. We felt slighted by your age-bashing, and started home. Malloy said, "I'll catch up with you."
[Malloy shoots a rope over the building]
I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked -- much more vertical than usual. And finally, Malloy, unlike most retired people, has the world's largest cubic zirconia on his coffee table.

Full.Duck

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

GreeBo

Lisa: I'm losing my perspicacity!
Homer: Its always in the last place you look!

dan1895

Mr. Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation to Richard Nixon?

Jordan 199

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Brendog

"Can I have some pig?"

"Thy ears are only open to the please of those who speak ye old english"

"Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now thy woon, that I may sup, upon suckling pig this noon"

"Whatever..."

Galway K9

Full.Duck wrote: »

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: "You were drunk!"
Homer: "And how!!!"

Jesus Wept

dan1895 wrote: »

Mr. Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation to Richard Nixon?

Smithers: It’s unlikely sir, they spell and pronounce their names differently.

Galway K9

Seans_Username wrote: »

Milhouse's Dad: I sleep in a racing car, do you?

lol just thought of this one

Kirk Van Houten: If you see a tie on the door knob, that means I'm with a lady.
Homer: But you don't have a door knob.
Kirk Van Houten: I don't have a tie either!!!

Jordan 199

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kW4uYInAFE

corblimey

Jordan 191 wrote: »

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department rescue phone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line...You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one