I'm minding her child all weekend

LegacyUser

I'm in a bit of a pickle and would like to put this problem here, to see if I'm over reacting.

I moved into an estate last year and found a lovely lady to mind my child when he started school. So she's been minding him since September 2009 and it's working out very well in many ways.

Our boys play together all day, and get on great. We live in a small cul de sac and since they went back to school this year, they play out on the road most days (as it's safe). So on paper, it all sounds great.

However, at the weekends, her son (who is lovely btw) knocks for my son about 10am saturday and sunday morning...to start, I thought this was really cute as it was the first time my son had anyone knocking for him, and I was loving the fact that they were both out playing and I was getting some space to do the housework! AND that they would have a similar childhood to my own, playing out on the road, when so many kids can't do this nowadays.

But here's the problem I welcome this lad into my home all the time - but it has gotten to the stage that (as they play at my end of the road), he spends all day saturday and sunday in and out of my house. His mam will pop to the shops here and there, and will always ask if it's ok to leave them playing, I always say yes. I tend to feed him dinner and tea now and he's always around and I hate the thoughts of turning a 5yr old away from my door because my son is having his dinner...they tend to be in the house at those times anyhow, so it's a matter of just calling them down the stairs.

So I really like the mother and I really like the child - but I'm paying her for a service mon-fri while I'm in work - and i feel like I give her the same service all day saturday and sunday, with no wage!!!

I feel bad even saying it, and have discused it with my hubby (who tends not to be around in the daytime at weekends, so doesn't see the amount of time the other child spends with us) and he thinks I'm over reacting. I'd like to add that as I only have the one child, it's great to have another child around for him to play with so this isn't about the child.

I feel if this was ANY other child on the road, I wouldn't even be writing this - but because I pay his mam to mind my child, I feel like she has an unfair advantage over me and I feel that i do the same amount of 'minding' of her child, as she does of mine (as she collects my son from 1.30 until I'm home at 5.30 and I have her son from 10am saturday and sunday until at least tea time....).

So I just wanted to see wht other parents thought of this situation. Do you think it's something I can resolve while keeping everyone happy? Or do you think I'm being a horrible mammy, particularly when I really like the child and the mother???? What would you do, or would you do anything?
Thank you.

BostonB

Just don't mind him when it doesn't suit and forget about it when your there anyway. I dunno.

Nevyn

Take your son out for a few hours not long after he calls over.

LegacyUser

Thank you Thaedyl. I've done that and the second this boy sees our car back home, he knocks up again. Maybe I'm just being too picky, sorry!
If this had started before she started minding my child, I feel I could have negotiated the price a bit downwards because it's obvious her child spends most weekends in our house...but would feel awkward even bringing this up with her now.

How Strange

Op I thunk you just need to be assertive tbh. I grew up on a quiet estate where kids went in and out if houses all the time. It's a nice relaxed environment for kids. I know I spent alot of time in 2 houses and would've Bern fed there regularly.

However why don't you plan things for sat and sun afternoons and tell the little boy that he has to go home now because you're going out.

You don't have to do it every weekend but just often enough that the mam
doesn't get used to presuming she can always leave her little fella with you on a sat if she has
things to do.

Sorry for misspellings, damn iPhone is a pain for typing

Nevyn

I agree you do need to be more assertive and just tell the child that your son is not going out to play or that they can't come in cos you are busy, to have good boundaries we have to assert them to keep them.

I so think it's great that your son has such a friend but I can understand that you do work and you want time just you and your son at the weekend.

Grawns

I think you're over reacting here. There's nothing stopping you taking your son out at the weekend or going away or not answering the door. The other women has to be there to mind your child mon-fri without fail and she checks that it's okay for her son to be at your house. As it is, it's sounds brilliant that your child has a good friend and someone to play whenever it suits you.

up for anything

I know where you are coming from and it can get a bit wearing. Why don't you nip down to her with the two boys one Saturday afternoon and ask her if she'd mind keeping an eye on them as you have to pop somewhere for an hour (go somewhere have a coffee and read a book - bliss). Do that a few times over the next several weekends and see whether she comments. It does sound though as if it's arrangement that suits you and your son. It means you are free to get on and do stuff without having to entertain your son for every minute of the weekend and if you want the lad to go home all you have to do is ask. If it is inconvenient for you to mind hers while she's goes somewhere I am sure she won't take it amiss. Give her the I won't mind but... we're off out in 15 minutes or I was planning to take a nap and don't want to leave your boy with mine 'unsupervised'.

m'lady

Another option could be that you get you son to call down to their house early this Saturday (before her son gets a chance to), and see what happens?


P.S And no your not being a horrible Mammy, you don't want to be taken advantage of and I totally understand that!

Wantobe

You're the grown up so you're in charge here of the children. It's up to you to make the rules- you might be uncomfortable at first but you'll get used to it.

If you don't want him in your house all day, then next time he calls just say- 'We're in the middle of something right now but why don't you ask your mammy if you can call back at 3pm and the two of you can play for an hour.' Or what ever time suits you. I would pick an hour before, say, dinner or something.

At 4pm bring him home. BTW you don't have to have an excuse, just set the ground rules for what suits you. Don't say- we're going out- because then you HAVE to go out. Don't be specific, it just doesn't suit you, you don't need to have an excuse.

And you definitely don't have to feed him! Unless you want to, sometimes.

And I wouldn't agree with asking your child to call to his house because then he'll get used to doing that.

astra2000

up for anything wrote: »

I know where you are coming from and it can get a bit wearing. Why don't you nip down to her with the two boys one Saturday afternoon and ask her if she'd mind keeping an eye on them as you have to pop somewhere for an hour (go somewhere have a coffee and read a book - bliss). Do that a few times over the next several weekends and see whether she comments. It does sound though as if it's arrangement that suits you and your son. It means you are free to get on and do stuff without having to entertain your son for every minute of the weekend and if you want the lad to go home all you have to do is ask. If it is inconvenient for you to mind hers while she's goes somewhere I am sure she won't take it amiss. Give her the I won't mind but... we're off out in 15 minutes or I was planning to take a nap and don't want to leave your boy with mine 'unsupervised'.

This is great advice. Also I do think even though your little fella enjoys the company it is too much to have a friend over from 10am until evening sat and sun. I wouldnt mind a few hours on a sat or sun but he needs to be spending time with you as well without a friend been there too. I dont think your over reacting at all. Even if she wasnt minding your son it is not on to let her child over to your house all the time.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

I understand what you mean when you say I should go out at the weekends with my son, and not be here.

We spent a long time living in an apartment, and my weekends were full of going places, doing things - I'd be up in the morning from early and driving to various playgrounds and visiting family, purely so we (well, he!) wouldn't be cooped up in the apartment. One of the main reasons for buying this house was that he could play outside. I get so much pleasure from just getting up on a saturday with no plans other than perhaps, drop down to the shops. So it really suits me to go nowhere.

I'll take all your advice and thanks again.

Chuchoter

Our neighbors used to do this to us! They'd leave their kids (who were way younger than us) with us to play, ALL DAY LONG! You just have to say you're busy or sick all the time until they get the message. Or let them play for a couple of hours and then say your son has lessons in something or other and the other boy has to go home.

Shellygoose

When i was growning up we lived on a busy road and it wasnt safe to play out on the road. So when myself, partner and dd moved into a quiet, safe, non-busy cul de sac it took me ages to get used to the ringing of the doorbell, followed by "Is she coming out to play?" My daughter bonded straight away with the 2 kids (brother and sister) across the d road and I got to know their mother. But after a couple of weeks we sat down together and put down some ground rules so that the kids knew what they could and couldnt do.

1. We agreed that the kids must not ring the doorbell before 10.30 or if the blinds are still drawn.
2. Meal times are for family only, unless previously agreed that the kids can stay.
3. During the summer they were allowed out until 9 and now being back to school they must be in when the street lights go on.
4. If they want to go into each others houses they must ask permission.

Myself and the other mam are really honest with each other and if her 2 kids are "in my way" i ask them to leave and that we'll see them tomorrow, and visa versa. But its great to rely on each other to watch the kids if we need to run to the shop for a pint of milk etc, and I would have no problem in taking her 2 to the playground or for a walk, just like she would have no problem doing that for me.

OP i think the best thing you can do is to simply sit down with the other mam and lay down some ground rules. Im not suggesting you write out a list and each of ye sign it or anything but at least, like myself, you will both know whats expected of you. Its a big enough responcibility minding and caring for your own child without having to mind another one!

di11on

Absolutely no problem defending your own space. Your child might need it too.

No issue with sending kids home when it's dinner time in your house. If you want dinner time as family time that is perfectly legitimate. I might even say necessary in this situation.

Defend your space now or it will be way more difficult claiming back the ground later. I knew someone in a very similar situation where it became very difficult to undo.

dan_d

Not a parent - but mealtime in our house was always home time for anyone outside the family.

Lunch/Dinner whatever - tell him your little boy will call for him when he's finished, buh-bye now!

It's not unreasonable - why should you be feeding other children in the neighbourhood??

Maybe start with that? And consider that once a certain time of day comes, you take him home - say 6pm or something? No reason.Just home time.Like school.

Also my parents never allowed anyone upstairs in our house.Probably won't make a difference to you, but you know...

littlebug

Same in our house... they get sent home at mealtimes. Thankfully all the parents do the same. I also have no problem saying "no sorry not now, they'll be out later" if the extras arrive at 10.30am on a sunday when we're all still mucking about in our pjs.

LegacyUser

Thanks alot for replies - it helps.

But my real issue is the fact that I'm paying her to mind my child.

And i feel like I'm minding her child almost as much, if not more.

The issue isn't really the child - I quite like having him here, he's great company for my kid and is no bother.

I feel I'm begining to resent her though, (the mam) because I pay her to mind my child for 20ish hours per week. And I'm 'minding' her child for about 12 hours at weekends - though not in an official capacity! Am I sounding really bitter here and resentful here....I think if this weekend situation had been the case BEFORE I asked her to mind my child, I'D have been able to negotiate what I pay her (I have your child x amount, you have my child x amount, let's split the cost....although I don't expect her to pay, but I would like my costs to be reduced based on the fact that I mind her child almost as much as she minds mine...)

Nevyn

Does she want or even need you to have her child at the weekends or is the little lad just coming over to spend time with his pal as they have become very close?

LegacyUser

I think you are overreacting. Your child is lucky enough to have a little friend he enjoys playing with. You are the adult and if you dont feel like having extras in your home then just say 'not at the moment' when the little friend calls over.

The fact that you are paying the childs mother to mind your child should not come into it. It seems like a lot of resentment on your part that you have to part with money to have your child minded. You are not minding her child, it is simply a playdate and when you feel the playdate is over or are not in the humour to have the child over on certain days, be an adult and just politely say 'not today' All parents of young children myself included have to deal with this. Unless you have mentioned to your childminder that you are unhappy with the amount of time her child spends with you at weekends, she may think you are happy to have her child over.

If you mention to the mother that you feel like you are 'minding' her child, lets split costs', you may not see your childs little playdate again and may even lose a good childminder.

At the moment my child had no friends on the road I live on. I would love to have a decent little friend that I like call over to play with my child.

Its a simple solution really. Just send the little visitor back home whenever the visits dont suit.

LegacyUser

It's a mixture of both. He knocks in quite early (10ish both mornings) and she'll often pop up at lunchtime, asking if I can keep an eye on him while she goes to the shops etc. He's in my house anyway, but she's just letting me know she's going out, in case he wants her, or I send him home. She's often pops around to her sisters (who lives around the corner) and text to say 'I'm just around in Janes if you need me...'. I'd have to drop the lad around there however (I couldn't just let him walk), if I was sending him home. So to answer your question, I suppose she doesn't really 'ask' me to mind him - but knows he's in my house anyway, and runs around to do bits and pieces, while he's here....

Having said that, the boys are great pals....so on the one hand, I'm happy he's around, but on the other, like tomorrow, when I'm paying her...I can feel a bit resentful...

Nevyn

Well then she pops in tell her you have something you need to do yourself and tell her to take him with her.

Little A

Send you lad over to his house at 9.30 next weekend !!

You really need to get more of a give and take going on at the weekend. I would encourage them to play outside and split indoor time as equally as possible. Don't be afraid to say "now doesn't suit, but I'll get him to call for you when he is ready. If she nips to the shop, do the same once she gets back and get her to mind your lad in return. Be firm & don't be walked over.

It can be handy to have someone like this to be able to do the same for you, but you have to make sure it is reasonably balanced or you will just be resentful.

Also, I wouldn't feed him, I actually hate when people feed my kids and I have a dinner prepared. It's fine if it is prearranged, but at the end of the day I am responsible for what my kids eat, so if they are snaking on bits and pieces, I don't know what they have eaten and they won't eat their dinner. I always send friends home at dinner time (or if they are abot too far away, I get them to wait in another room.

Treat the week where you pay her as a business arrangement and the weekends as a friendship thing with give and take

LittleBook

You have to separate what's going on at the weekends from the business arrangement you have with this woman. You're paying her for a service, all good.

At the weekend your son has a friend who lives close by who he enjoys playing with (presumably). Assuming she's prepared to do for you what you do for her (as neighbours) at the weekend then, with a few ground rules in place, this could be the best thing that ever happened to your boy.

As kids we were always in and out of each others houses, subject of course to the rules of that house. We heard "x can't come out" or "x is having her dinner now, home you go" all the time!

My daughter is an only child and the amount of ferrying left right and centre I had to do in order to make sure she got to see her friends out of school hours was exhausting. I (and I'm sure she) would have loved to have a good friend so close by.

Just disconnect the weekends from the working week!

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I think if you leave the childminding out of it for a minute and think of it another way.. you have her child in your house for most of the weekend. Your child doesn't appear to spend as much time in her house at the weekend.

That's not fair! Simple.

So you have to change the weekend arrangement. As others said.. be the adult. Think about what you are saying, and you will realise that you are being dictated to by a 5 year old! If you don't want him in your house at 10am, say.. "Sorry [Johnny] isn't ready to come out to play yet, he'll call for you when he's ready", or as others have said at meal times send him home.

If you cut down the amount of time he is spending in your house, then if he stays with you while his mam pops to the shops etc it won't bother you so much.

I do think though, that your little fella doesn't go to his house at the weekends as much, because the mother probably is thinking.. "I see enough of him during the week"! Again, she's not seperating the week from the weekend.

Take back control of your house! If you don't want him there for extended periods of time, send him home! If he calls and you don't want him to come in at that time, send him home!

We were often sent home from people's houses.. it didn't stop us beig friends with the kids though!!!