Am I right or overly anxious over nothing?

gaeilgegrinds1

Ok so I've a son, he's almost 6months old. I adore him. I'm expecting again now. I am so lucky with my life but I'm quite lonely a lot. My fiance works over 100 hours a week most weeks. He's great when he is around but is tired a lot and we rarely get any time on our own, ever. We used to see so much of each other and were madly in love but now I genuinely never see him. He was due home from work at nine tonight and I made a nice dinner. I've been keeping the baby up so he'd see him but now I get a message saying to head to bed as he won't be home before midnight. Sobbing into my dinner here, I'm so lonely, I don't want fancy anything, just him. I don't see this ending, am I destined to be lonely forever or is this hormonal and will it pass?

padr81

Don't think this is so much a parenting question as a personal issues one.

Imho tell him how you feel, I know times are hard and money is tight but
100 hours is too much for anyone to work per week (even single men) and WILL lead to relationship issues if it continues too long. No house, job, or bank balance is worth a child losing one of their parents or worth losing a partner your close to. His mental health and yours are being put at risk by this and those kind of hours can lead to physical exhaustion.

Good luck with this.

gaeilgegrinds1

Ya maybe it is a personal issue but I think it is more of a parenting one since it's my child I'm worried about more. Thank God he's too small to miss him much yet. He won't get by in his career without working those hours and I know how much his career means to him. I sometimes wonder why we are even together though!

January

Does your husband work for himself?

I can see self employed people having to put all their time into work at the moment what with the recession and all, but even 100 hours p/w is too much, especially if he has a family at home and a partner who is expecting another child.

Unless he really badly needs to be doing this, I'd be sitting him down and telling him you're lonely and need help at home and your son needs to see him.

Congratulations on being pregnant again by the way, the small gap is amazing

padr81

I know he may value a career but his family should ALWAYS come before his career and I'm sure he'd understand if you said this. I was the guilty party in a simular situation not too long ago (never 100 hours though), and believe me if I could go back in time, i'd of left my job long before I was let go to spend more time with my kids.

Alot of the time, its hard for a new parent to just give up their old life and completely switch their priorities over night and the thoughts of doing so can be frightening, but at the end of the day picking up your child to kiss him/her goodnight will always be a more rewarding experience than picking up a paycheck.

gaeilgegrinds1

No, he works in the hospital. I don't know am I just being overly petty or should I just be glad to have him when I have him but I try so hard to create family time and all I get is me on my own time. It's so isolating being a mother, I don't know am I the only one who feels like this, maybe it'll change when my wee man starts talking back but now I just talk to myself all day!

padr81

Working in a hospital is tough, really tough, I've got a friend whose a nurse and when she was young and at times still works unreal hours to the point of exhaustion.

He obviously can't just walk from his job to something like supermacs like alot of ppl who are self employed can if he's a doctor, nurse etc.. unfortuantely alot of hospitals are understaffed and overworked.

Still try and have a word with him and see can he get any leeway at all. If he earns enough what about some help around the house, having someone come in once a week or twice to clean could be great for you (not only for the work but for the human interaction etc...), also try and make time to go out, find a babysitter or leave your child with granny. Theres still lots of middle ground, even a night at home with no child every two weeks will give ye some time together and a nights rest.

gaeilgegrinds1

At this stage even seeing him would be amazing. I think we need a chat. He's on all weekend but I can see about meeting for some lunch maybe. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him and could walk away.

lynski

You miss your partner, but the crazy hours will end, eventually. MAKE him book a holiday day in the next few weeks, insist on it.
My hubbie works normal hours, but is an hr away so my 2 go to bed 3 nights a week without seeing daddy.
Your baby will miss their dad, soon, and you will need some more support.
You need to create a network for yourself, a social and support network. Get out to meet other parents and take a deep breathe and arrange to meet for coffee and a play. consider sending your baby to daycare, for a morning or 2 a week, get your mam to come over every week.
Look after yourself, your hubbie will eventually be on more normal hours.

Das Kitty

You have to tell him all this, if you can get the chance. There must be some solution for you both.

Yes being a mother is isolating but there's a lot you can do. Parent and baby groups are an amazing way to meet others. I often felt lonely at home with James but I always had in my head that I'd get to see some friends on Friday. The group really got me through the tough times.

However you do also need some time without the baby just for you. And that's going to involve your partner taking on some of the baby care and let you have a little freedom.

Yeah your fiance's career is important to you both but I doubt it's more important than your sanity.

gaeilgegrinds1

Sometimes I think I'm behaving like a pampered princess. I mean so many people are out of work, so many have money worries. We seem fairly ok.
That said, I'd prefer more him. He is saying he might book a week off but I know he'll be researching but at least we might get a cuddle before sleep. It's so lonely going to bed on my own each night. Maybe a baby group might be an idea, I am so afraid I'll feel inadequate at these though. I love my baby but I'm not Mother Earth, I'm always making mistakes and we both prioritise our work, I'm worried someone will ask us why we are having these babies but I love them more than anything else. Thanks girls, I think I need to chat to him but it'll have to wait until he is less stressed.

January

gaeilgegrinds1 wrote: »

Sometimes I think I'm behaving like a pampered princess. I mean so many people are out of work, so many have money worries. We seem fairly ok.
That said, I'd prefer more him. He is saying he might book a week off but I know he'll be researching but at least we might get a cuddle before sleep. It's so lonely going to bed on my own each night. Maybe a baby group might be an idea, I am so afraid I'll feel inadequate at these though. I love my baby but I'm not Mother Earth, I'm always making mistakes and we both prioritise our work, I'm worried someone will ask us why we are having these babies but I love them more than anything else. Thanks girls, I think I need to chat to him but it'll have to wait until he is less stressed.

I joined a parent & child group recently and it's been fantastic for me and the girls. No one judges you, it's just parents talking about the trials and tribulations of having children, having a laugh and letting the kids play together. The one I joined had been running for a while before hand and they all welcomed me with open arms and are a fantastic group

gaeilgegrinds1

Here's hoping! I never could take criticism too well! I'll do it for my wee man if not for me, he knows I'm not happy at the moment. Thanks girls

Das Kitty

I actually found that going to the group freed me from a lot of the guilt I was feeling. I'm not mother earth either. The group is gas, you spend the first little while talking about the babies then it's all about yourselves. Makes you feel like more than just a mother again.

axel rose

op, did you know that his hours were going to be like this? Is he training to be a doctor?

lonestargirl

Just to say, I know exactly where you are coming from. My husband is a doctor, training in a surgical speciality. I don't think anyone can comprehend the commitment unless they see it for themselves. I've often collected him from work on days when he is even too tired have a conversation on the way home. But it will get better, the hours get easier as you move up, on-call you become he second in line to be paged and might actually get some sleep. We are execting our first baby in Jan. I know that my husband often finds it hard to switch off and relax when he does get some time off and I'm hoping that the baby will help to divert his mind from medical matters.

How Strange

Op you need to talk to him. You'll be carrying the burden at home when the 2nd baby arrives and you'll soon start resenting it.

It doesn't matter what his job is or how hard he works if he is a father then he needs to make time for his home life as well. My dad is self employed and worked crazy long hours when we were kids but when he was at home he was dad.

Moonbeam

Do you work too or are you a stay at home Mam?Do you know people where you live?
I have a similar situation and when he is around he takes time out to read her a morning or bedtime story,which she loves and gets him huge points with her.

axel rose

Op, I'm assuming here that your husband is a doctor, or at least he is training to be one. If that is the case then I think it may be unfair that you appear to be changing the goalposts now. By that I mean that you both knew that his hours were going to be this horrendous.

Now I dont believe that you have reason to be anxious, you have every reason to fell lonely, stressed, unappreciated and tired. Have you considered putting your child into a creche 2-3 mornings a week? The 'me time' can help considerably. This comes from a woman living her worst case nightmare. I never wanted to be a single mum-my husband died when my son was 15 months. I never wanted to be a housewife-I had to more or less hand in my notice as I cant work the unsocial hours my job requires (bye bye 6 years in college ).

My son goes to creche 2 half days and 1 full day....It saves my sanity.

gaeilgegrinds1

No I'm not a stay at home Mom. I was teaching in secondary and doing one night a week lecturing but now am considering getting into lecturing fulltime. I'd like to take my research from my masters further and hopefully do an PhD, the proposal I produced was welcomed so here's hoping.
I didn't want to get into specifics as I was afraid I'd be recognised but yes he's a surgeon. I suppose it is unfair as was pointed out for me to change the goalposts now. He has always been a doctor so that's not a surprise. I suppose I just always anticipated the hours would lessen rather than increase. He's doing some research at the moment too so that's adding to the workload. I won't see him until late tonight but then I think we need to talk, not in a confrontational way. I have some friends in the area but msot of my friends are at work. I really don't want to put my son into daycare for now anyway, he's still so small and I'm loving the time I have with him. I'd hate to do that before I really have to. Here's hoping we can get the balance right. So few of his colleagues have managed to keep successful marriages going it scares me sometimes.

lily lou

Hi gaeilgegrinds, my heart goes out to you, I've been single forever and I know what it likes to feel lonely, but I think the only way its going to work for you is for you to accept quality over quantity. Your husband is going to be working long hours for the forseeable future so you both need to agree on some really good quality time together on a regular basis. No excuses from either of you, agree on a time and stick to it. Even if you just have a glass of wine and a take away and a chat or go for a walk, anything once you're together and it's about the 2 of you. I really hope you feel happier soon and that you two work out something so you can spend time together. Good luck.

username123

Hi Op,
I really feel for you, my husband used to be in a job that he worked crazy hours too and sometimes weeks would go by where i would only see the dirty plate in the mornings and know he had been home, eaten the left out dinner and was gone again early. Its very hard, and we dont even have kids so I can only imagine that its magnified millions of times for you. Plus with another on the way you must be feeling like youd just like 'time' with him.

The best advice I can give you is to try and make the most of the time you do see him, he does have a very demanding job - more a vocation really, and Im sure he would prefer more time off too but its not to be right now - it will surely change over time though. And I think it would be a great idea for you to join a mother/baby group - any kind of social outlet will be helpful for you - its very important that you do stuff you enjoy doing and have your own life so you dont feel so lonely.

Do you have any family/friends that you could talk to about how your feeling? People who would understand your husbands job so that they could be supportive of you without giving out about him - if you know what I mean?

And dont be feeling bad or guilty for feeling how you do - its normal and natural, and youre not in the 'wrong' or anything.

Talk to your husband too - Im sure he will understand, he may not even be noticing because he is just so used to his hours.

Good luck.

lonestargirl

gaeilgegrinds1, I think a PhD is good idea, it's actually what I'm doing myself. I gave up my job when we moved to the US (we felt surgical training would be better here). Even though a PhD is still full-time in terms of the numbers of hours needed but there is way more flexibility than in a full-time job, if your child is sick you can work from home easily etc. I'm guessing you are spending a lot of time just you and your son at the moment. I know he's small but I think some time to yourself is needed for your own sanity even if it is only one morning a week.

di11on

These early years with your child are very precious. They will be gone forever in the blink of an eye.

Things like this are easy to say and hard to do, I appreciate. I know this sounds cliché but, your child will be a baby once and your partner has his whole life to dedicate to his career.

Honestly, he'll wake up some morning and realise that he missed his kids growing up.

Then there's the strain this puts on you. I don't think you're being selfish. You're a family and everything that happens involves everyone.

Worth a serious discussion. Look at all the options. Is a career break possible?

Even if there's no easy solution to the immediate problem, is there some change possible in 6 or 12 months? If you knew there was some end or change on the horizon, you'd cope a lot more easily I think.

Of course your partner's career is important. But I really think that if he sits down and tries to see it in perspective... many years from now he'll wish he spent some time with his son when he could.

Best of luck OP, not an easy situation and I hope it all works out.

wolfpawnat

Hi OP,

I genuinely know the feeling, my partner was only studying med when we had our son, and his hours were ridiculous. Thankfully he saw sence and left medicine for veterinary, still long hours, but he'll get paid for what he works.

I am afraid medicine is getting harder, this European working hours thing is coming in, meaning docs will only get paid for 48hours work, but still have to work what they are now, and very little overtime pay.

I know your OH doesnt get to tell the HSE "sorry I can't, I have a family" because they couldn't care less. It is very lonely for you and people outside the situation don't understand. They think that doctors have it easy these days!

Adding your work load, the little one you have and the little one on the way, you must feel so stressed, as no doubt your OH does! And your child is young, but it is nice to see them bond with their father! My fella adores his daddy!!!

How many years is he qualified???

gaeilgegrinds1

He's six years qualified. Ok so we had a conversation...went on four hours and he broke down and cried. I've only seen this twice before. He's miserable at work, loves the job but not the hours or politics. I've suggested he take time out so we're seeing can he. He has suggested himself he'll locum at weekends at stay at home when baby number 2 arrives. We both ended up balling crying, we have missed each other so much. It's worth speaking up because distance was how I saw it but protecting me from his feelings of doubt was how he saw it. God I'm so lucky to have him and now I know he has no doubts about us it's much easier. Thanks for all the advice.

wolfpawnat

gaeilgegrinds1 wrote: »

He's six years qualified. Ok so we had a conversation...went on four hours and he broke down and cried. I've only seen this twice before. He's miserable at work, loves the job but not the hours or politics. I've suggested he take time out so we're seeing can he. He has suggested himself he'll locum at weekends at stay at home when baby number 2 arrives. We both ended up balling crying, we have missed each other so much. It's worth speaking up because distance was how I saw it but protecting me from his feelings of doubt was how he saw it. God I'm so lucky to have him and now I know he has no doubts about us it's much easier. Thanks for all the advice.

I am glad things have come to a head GG1, I know about the politics and hours, it is why my son's father went into vet!

It is hard for ye because he is long enough in the career to get somewhere with it, but not long enough to not get caught to do the donkey work

My heart goes out to ye! x