Dealing with the aftermath of a death with family

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Going unreg here. I'll keep it short and sweet. A much-loved member of my family tragically passed away recently. While we have all overcome the shock of such a death, it seems to have changed everyone in my family - for the worse. I am coping OK, in fact I consider myself lucky in that although we were very close, I seem to be finding comfort in memories etc. I am ready to move on with my life and had planned to emigrate this month. I've put that on hold now, mainly due to my parents. This may sound insane but for the first time in my life (I'm 22) i've seen them become helpless. Almost like children. They are distraught and unable to cope. I now feel a responsibility to stick around. One to make sure they are OK and two for selfish reasons as I keep fearing they may die while I am aborad. It is completely shocking to me how quickly all our lives have turned upside down and I fear they may never recover from this. They seem quite unhappy, both with themselves and each other and I feel if I leave now I am walking away from a situation which is only going to get worse.

I don't really know what I am asking. On the one hand I want to leave, I've always wanted to travel and personally there's nothing really left here for me in career terms etc. but on the other hand this death has made me realise how precious life is, how blood is thicker than water and how when one dies you immediately re-visit the times (or lackthereof) you had together.

Has anyone been through this before? What did you do?

Many thanks.

Ickle Magoo

Hey SoTorn,

I've moved this to the bereavement forum, I think you'll get more advice here.

All the best

Ickle

axel rose

Hi sotorn,
I'm sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. Death can (and does) shatter families. Your bereavement is fairly recent, so you can pretty much expect your family to be in shock, angry, and lost (to name just a few). These feelings are normal.

You cannot say or do anything to stop your family from hurting. They need to go through this.

I don't know your circumstances of who died, whether you have many family members nearby or where you plan to move, however I advise you to speak to your family. Let them know why you are reluctant to leave them. Their feelings/support may help you with your decision. There is no right or wrong in this.

Personally, I would go ahead with the move. You may prefer to delay your move by a few weeks, but the world is a small place thanks to email, skype and planes.

Families are close though communication, love and respect-proximity doesn't come into it IMO.

Best of luck in your decision OP

Dude111

I am so sorry!!

Quite often i hear of someone in a family dying and the rest of the family suffers more than ever

Death shatters those we love (It hurts those who still live the most )

Peace and love to all

LegacyUser

Hi there.

Three years ago I went through a similar situation to yours. I was the same age as you. My father died very tragically. It tore our family apart. Instead of bringing us together and us supporting each other, we all seemed to direct anger against each other. I took comfort in looking at old photos and remembering the happy times, but no-one else did.

My teenage siblings and mother turned into angry, aggressive, nasty people. While everyone told me how great it was that we had each other, and how lucky my family were to have someone strong like me (I dealt with it in a similar way to you) I watched this tornado rip through our family and ruin everything.

I tried to be strong for them. I postponed my world travels. I hoped things would improve. My 16 year old brother went into his bedroom threatening suicide. Three years on and he still hasn't come out. Curtains closed. Lying in bed. Mother brings food into him. He has an ensuite off his room so NEVER needs to leave. No-one asks questions anymore. No-one wonders why he doesn't come out, ever. People overlook it because the answer might be too awkward. I screamed to the world for help, but no-one was willing to intervene.

My mother started drinking and refusing to leave the house.

My 14 year old sister went off the rails and no one seemed to care. There was no way I could leave with all of that playing out.

I postponed my travels for two and a half years over and over, trying constantly.

Now I've reached the point where at least in my case, nothing will improve with my family. They need to deal with it themselves. I've babysat them for as long as I could.

I should've waited with them for a month or two, but no longer than three or four months max. They need to adjust and figure a way to cope. Sadly, if it's going to involve locking yourself in a room and hiding from the outside world, there's not a lot anyone can do. What shocked me most was that there wasn't a lot anyone WANTED to do. People don't want to get involved in such awkward situations that aren't easily fixed.

I'm now planning to go on my world tour in December. I really am going this time.

I can't help them here. I'll be no less of help to them abroad. After a family tragedy, you have to make your bed and lie in it, or pick yourself up and move on. It's cold and harsh and horrible, but that's life for you.

I would advise you not to get stuck in the rut I and many others get into.

I turned down an amazing career 2 years ago to settle into a crappy job in my local village to be close by to my family should they need me during the day, no-one's ever appreciated the life-changing decisions I've made.
They don't even realise or take heed.

There is no thanks for altering your life.

Best live the dreams you had before.

Offer your support to your parents as best you can pending on where you are, but don't alter your future. Don't get knocked off the rails or you may be left deeply unhappy later on.

Best of luck.

FoxT

SoTorn,
I am sorry for your loss.

I am a parent myself ( my oldest son is almost the same age as you are) and I would hate for any of our children to ever feel that they had to put their lives on hold for me or their mother. (Of course, parents may vary on this, I can just speak for myself here). I would of course, naturally miss my kids & be concerned for their welfare if they were to emigrate or travel away for a long period.

I dont know how flexible your plans are, or how much you have communicated to your parents. If you have some flexibility then it is probably worth at least trying to communicate with your parents about why you need to do this, and perhaps agree together on a timeframe for your travel. It may help them to get a bit of notice & understanding. If they continue in 'helpless' mode, then I suggest you leave anyway. You need to do what you need to do. It is not selfish, it is, if anything, self preservation.

Kahlil Ghibran said 'Your children are not yours, they are an expression of life's longing for itself.' You are a free agent. Best of luck.