Is Playing Golf every weekend appropriate for a mum of 3?

LegacyUser

I'm posting this in the Ladies lounge because I'd really like to know what women think about this issue.
My wife plays golf almost every weekend - usually on a Saturday, sometimes on a Sunday. I don't play myself and really dislike the game and all it tends to stand for. However my biggest "problem" is that I don't think it's right for my 3 kids to be without their mom for a significant amount of our family time (we both have jobs & kids are all in school).
It's starting to cause serious tension between us & I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable in objecting?

Wibbs

I understand why you'd like to hear from the womens side, but not really the purpose of the Ladies Lounge so moved here with the local mods indulgence as I feel you'll get a much wider spread of advice and its a more appropriate place. Thanks.

Elle Collins

I wouldn't see this as a golf issue OP; I'd see this as a mother neglecting her family issue. Yes there are worse things she could be doing (i.e. falling out of the pubs each weekend, as many other mothers do) but if she is devoting huge chunks of each weekend to any persuit at the expense of her family then that's not right, in my view.

bambera

I know of a lot of men who have families and play a bit of sports at the weekend. Sometimes (be it male or female) you just need your own space but if it's taking up too much of the weekend then it's not fair on you or the kids.

You should talk to her. Be as calm and as reasonable as possible, try and make her see it from your point of view. See if she can come to a compromise and cut down on the golf.

Zeouterlimits

How long is she gone?
How about twice a month instead of 4 times, alternating between ye for time away?

seamus

GolfWidower wrote: »

My wife plays golf almost every weekend - usually on a Saturday, sometimes on a Sunday. I don't play myself and really dislike the game and all it tends to stand for. However my biggest "problem" is that I don't think it's right for my 3 kids to be without their mom for a significant amount of our family time (we both have jobs & kids are all in school).
It's starting to cause serious tension between us & I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable in objecting?

Are you being unreasonable in telling her that she should give up the golf? Yes you are. Parents should have hobbies and interests which don't involve their family and which give them a chance to unwind and catch up with their friends.

Are you being unreasonable in expecting her to spend time with her family? Of course not.

It's all about getting the balance. You don't say how long she's gone for on a Saturday. If she's going out in the morning, staying for lunch and a prizegiving and arriving home at dinnertime, then perhaps every Saturday is pushing it somewhat.

There are so many variables here though - how long she's gone for, what age the kids are, how much "away from the family" time you get, and so on.

Set aside your hatred of golf for the moment - what would you be doing as a family if she wasn't playing golf? If the answer is "nothing" or "sitting at home watching TV", then what harm in her playing golf. On the other hand, if you find yourself every Saturday taking 3 kids to the beach on your own, then I can understand how it would make you feel lonely and somewhat taken advantage of.

My Dad has played golf for most of his life. When we were kids, he played at least once a month with his golf society and then probably another weekend with his mates. He always arranged to get the earliest tee-time that he could - sometime at or around 8am. So he'd be on the tee box before we'd even gotten up and he'd be home by lunchtime - 12pm - at the latest, ready to spend time with the family. He did this for years, I can remember him coming home when I was just finishing my breakfast some weekends.

One Saturday he arrived home at lunchtime and everyone was still in bed. Even my Mum. It was at that point he said, "Fnck this" and started going golfing at 11am and coming back for his dinner, because we were gone beyond the "family time" point.

PopUp

Maybe I'm biased because both my parents are golf fiends.

But I think it's good and healthy for parents to have their own hobbies that they can enjoy independent of their children.

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about a round of golf once a week. Spending all day at the clubhouse, or playing on both Saturday and Sunday is a different story. And if Saturday is spent playing golf, then Sunday should be a family day.

Are you sure your problem isn't with your perception of what golf "stands for" (what does that even mean?! It's just a sport!)? Do you have any hobbies yourself?

Ickle Magoo

Sorry to keep bouncing you around but I think to get advice on what posters deem appropriate for parents to do, the parenting forum would be better.

Ickle.

Woddle

I don't see any problem with your wife playing golf once a week. I have alot of hobbies and just because I have 3 kids does not mean anyone can tell me to stop doing what I love. Go get a hobby yourself and stop moaning because your wife has one.

On a side note it's coming into winter so she won't have as many opportunities to golf.

cynder

My hubby plays golf and his good at it, really good if it wasn't for me and the kids (3) he could have been round the world and playing for the Irish team. He won the DHL junior world championship when he was 15/16. Were together since i was 17, im now 30.

He has taken up golf again and even takes our 11 year old out sometimes with he (she has her own set), I hate golf!!!!

It would annoy me too if he was gone all weekend but here and there isn't too bad. It also gives you quality time with the kiddies. You 2 need to reach a compromise. Im not going to condemn her for wanting a few hours of peace n quite. We all need that.

Cat Melodeon

Is it a work-related thing at all? Does she play with colleagues or a boss and maybe feel under pressure to get her handicap down and impress them? I know someone like this, he's causing havoc at home but feels that if he doesn't improve his game, the boss will take it as a sign that he isn't fully committed/values family above work/doesn't deserve the next promotion. A bit Gordon Gecko, it's wrecking their relationship.

Whatever the reasons your wife has for playing so often, she does need to realise that you're unhappy. If her golf is more important than coming to some sort of a compromise, well then she's being a selfish bint and there is obviously a deeper problem in your relationship. A calm sit down is needed. Don't be demanding, just explain that you think it's unfair on the whole family and don't understand why she can't see that or why your unhappiness means nothing to her. If she doesn't shift an inch, I don't know what you can do then. Get other family members involved? Couples' counselling [shudder] ?

niceoneted

I work in a male dominated area where shift work is involved. There are a number of men who work with me who seem to spend as much time on the golf course and doing their own thing as they do with their families on time off.

How old are the kids and do they comment on the fact their mum/your wife is missing a lot or is it that you are tired of being left to organise the kids when she is off golfing.

When she goes golfing is she gone just for the 4 hrs or so for the round or gone all day.

Do you have any hobbies of your own that you want to spend time at that you are not getting to do because of her golf or if you have hobbies do you get equal time at them.

Is there activities that the whole family do together during the week?

Beruthiel

GolfWidower wrote: »

My wife plays golf almost every weekend - usually on a Saturday

What would she do every night and most Sundays?

I don't play myself and really dislike the game and all it tends to stand for.

Has this more to do with you disliking the game and less to do with the fact she plays it regularly?

However my biggest "problem" is that I don't think it's right for my 3 kids to be without their mom for a significant amount of our family time (we both have jobs & kids are all in school).

Is she not with them during the evenings and most Sundays?
If she is with them over the course of those times, then she well deserves to have a few hours away from everything doing what she loves.
IMO the fact she gets to do her hobby means she's in a better mood and more able to cope with the trials of the weekly drudge.

It's starting to cause serious tension between us & I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable in objecting?

Yes. You are.
Instead of giving her grief, work out a way where both of you can have some time to do your own thing.
Everyone needs a few hours that they can call their own. A bit of space is healthy.
If you keep pushing her to give it up, she will greatly resent you. How is that going to help your relationship?

My father loved running. He would head off regularly to run a race somewhere round the country.
Know what he did to keep us with him?
He started an Athletics Club in our town and had us join it. In no time, there was a large bus load of us heading off every other weekend.
Where there's a will, there's a way OP.

Khannie

GolfWidower wrote: »

However my biggest "problem" is that I don't think it's right for my 3 kids to be without their mom for a significant amount of our family time

Nonsense and probably not the issue. If you have a problem with being left alone with the kids for a significant amount of time...well...that's a different issue and one I think you should just discuss with your wife, but trying to suggest that your wife is negligent in some way because she has a round of golf on a Saturday strikes me as an excuse on your part. We all need time away from the kids.

littlebug

Do you have a hobby golfwidower? I was just having a conversation with my other half yesterday about how important it is for a couple to have hobbies apart from (but supported by) each other and family. There has to be a balance though.

Zen65

GolfWidower wrote: »

I don't play myself and really dislike the game and all it tends to stand for.

Is this at the heart of the issue?

It is healthy for both parents to have their own hobbies, away from the kids, and sometimes away from each other. It does the kids no harm at all (I mean, assuming they are not left alone while they are too young) and can actually teach them independence.

Have you any hobbies? Does your wife's golfing prevent you from taking up a hobby? Don't blame her for leaving you behind while she goes golfing, if the real problem is that you don't have hobbies. I understand that you may equally find that when she returns home and talks about the golf game (if she does) you find this uninteresting and wonder whey you cannot connect on some other level?

Personally I don't indulge in golf, and I generally dislike some of the social nonsense associated with it, but as a way to spend time it's pretty healthy.


Be at peace,

Z