furious before child get dressed etc.

LegacyUser · 19-10-2010 8:40am #1

I am a single mother. My child is six y.o.

I have no authority.

If I tell child to get dressed in the morning child goes no.

I get really angry and start screaming, the whole morning is ruined, child gets upsets and do eventually get dressed, I feel so guilty all day....

I yell at child every day- just small things like getting child to get ready for school or ready for bed or turn off the TV turns into horrible battles when it it just impossible to do it nicely and everything takes so much time and then child is late for everything....

I feel so bad about this, feel like if I am destroying the child, but it is all necessary things that all children have to do, but I just seem to always have to get angry or furious before anything gets done.

barbiegirl · 19-10-2010 1:00pm

Put an elastic on your wrist, when you are about to blow, pull it out and let it snap back good and hard. It will distract you enough to calm down about the issue with the child.
Then say well that's fine, so you'll be late and that will make me late and that means your teacher will be unhappy and my boss will be unhappy.
On the other stuff like turning off the t.v. just do it and walk away. Ignore bad behaviour or try the bold step if the child needs it. Don't shout just say sorry but the t.v. is off now, now either you can fight it and it will make no difference, then when things are calm agree rules on the things you fight about. It's important that you listen to the child so s/he feels that they have some input. That way the child learns the way to solve issues is not to shout but to talk and agree.
That way if the child tantrums you can say the rules were agreed and that's that. Then use discipline if it continues. Plus you are learning to discipline yourself.

di11on · 19-10-2010 1:08pm

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear that things are difficult.

No kids naturally want to do all those things... they just have to come to the conclusion that they are inevitable.

Right now, if your child doesn't get dressed, he/she is treated to a circus performance. The negative consequence is you getting furious. Perhaps a place to start is by replacing this consequence with something that doesn't upset you so much but would make your child rather get dressed instead.

Secondly, routine is your friend. If things happen a certain way, there is an inevitability about them and your child doesn't resist them so much.

Getting dressed is just about the only thing that needs to happen before you can go out in the morning - so perhaps it needs to be the first thing that happens. Nothing else happens in the morning until your child is dressed. No toys, no breakfast, no telly, no anything until child is dressed. Next thing is brekkie. Next thing is getting face cleaned and teeth brushed etc. Once child has done these things in the order you have prescribed, he/she is free to play and do whatever else he/she wants.

Finally, the key to having authority is your child knowing with certainty that what you say will happen. For instance if your child knows that you're going to count to 2 a hundred times, it's going to have no force. However, if your child knows with certainty that if you count to 3 there will be a certain consequence, then you have authority. If the wii, favourite toy etc. ends up in the attic every time you threaten it, then your words will have force. If your words are just hot air, you undermine your own authority.

If you threaten some action, give one warning and one warning only. Next time, you do it. Without fail. This way, your words have meaning and force. If you're not prepared to carry out the action, then don't threaten it.

Hope that's of some help. Best of luck OP

Squiggler · 19-10-2010 1:09pm

It is really important that you stay calm, the second you lose your temper you've lost.

It might also be worth setting up some consequences.

Next morning your child won't get dressed say "ok, since we are going to be 30 minutes late you will be getting up 30 minutes earlier tomorrow as it is not acceptable that either of us is late to work or school"

If the television won't go off try calmly saying "if you do not turn off the television now you will not be watching it tomorrow". If the fighting continues turn it off, unplug it and move the television somewhere the child can't access it to make sure there is no television tomorrow.

wolfpawnat · 19-10-2010 1:28pm

Agree with the above.

Mummys rules are law.

"If you wont get dressed and do as you are told, privilages will be taken away, also you will not have your favourite treats. Making mummy and yourself late is not nice and it makes people angry. My boss says I can take as long as I need. (sit down comfortably and look non chalant!) It is up to you how long we sit here for" and force her to sit. Every time she gets up sit her down. It is hard I know to remain calm, but it is all that will save it in the end.

As for the TV Off means off! Tell her to turn it off. If the answer is no, do not even wait for a minute, turn it off, plug it out amd declare a ban until tomorrow, if the same happens again, then the same results are the same.

Believe me, children are quick learners, she will test you a few times because she knows you can lose your cool, once she realises this is real, it will be a new little girl you are dealing with.

Well done OP for recognising your difficulties! Not many parents would see the wrong in themselves and want to change that!:)

Woddle · 19-10-2010 2:04pm

Hi OP my suggestions would be to explain to the child what is expected of them.
Get an alarm clock for your child and set it for 7am and explain calmly that you expect him/her to get up and get dressed on their own.
If they can do this successfully well then reward him/her with tv and again explain to the child that the tv is to be turned off at a certain time.
Also maybe at 6 years old it could be time to introduce pocket money but again only as a reward for good behaviour and help around the house.
Hope some of this helps.
Also be sure to look out for yourself, get a hobby(apparently not golf) or go to the cinema. Nothing worse than not having an out.

Nevyn · 19-10-2010 2:13pm

Sticker chart for the morning 5.

Breakfast
Brush Teeth
Get Dressed
Put pjs away
Brush hair.

Make a chart for it, get them to help, drawn around thier hand and put each one on a finger and they get a sticker for every day the do each of the 5 with out there being raised voices, put the chart up in thier room or on the bed room door at a height they can read it.

CrazyRabbit · 19-10-2010 2:20pm

Fantastic advice above...

Just to reiterate with my own comments..

1. Never ever get emotional...or at least don't show it. You must remain the calm adult, which not only allows you to retain control, but is also a good life-lesson for your son/daughter.

2. Consistency is vital. Consistent rules, consistent single warning & consistent punishment. Depending on the child you might be able to get agreement on rules in advance and punishment for breaking them.

3. Routine. Having everything done in the same way each day will help bring security to the child and make things like getting dressed seen as 'BAU' (business as usual).

4. Sit the child down and listen to why they don't want to get dressed. Do this later in the day and not in the morning when everyone is half-awake and in a hurry. Refusing the get dressed prevents leaving the house, which prevents going to school etc...so there may be a problem there.

5. After the child does what they are told, thank them/hug them etc. Let them know that it is appreciated.

Fittle · 19-10-2010 2:32pm

Have to say, sticker chart has worked in my home over the past 2 weeks with incredible success. I'm also a single parent with an 8yr old, and thought he was WAY too old for a sticker chart.

But it works.

A sticker chart for the morning routine to start OP. I wouldn't tackle every issue with the sticker chart just yet - as you will lose your focus. In our house, I've used it on a weekly basis (homework one week, sleeping in your own bed 2nd week etc etc)....

Honestly, I feel like you do somedays - often come into work having spent the morning yelling at him and feeling so guilty - but this chart is definitely working for us. Best of luck OP.

Big Bag of Chips · 19-10-2010 2:38pm

All the advice above is great. It basically comes down to .. you have to let them think they are making the decisions.
If you tell them to get dressed and they say no, just so "Ok then. You can tell your teacher why you're late". And just leave the room and continue on with whatever you need to do to get yourself ready.

I guarantee you the next time you see them, they will be dressed (or very near it anyway!)

Keeping calm is a must (but we all do lose it at times.. )

Also agree with the other advice, if they don't turn off the telly YOU do it.
If they don't get ready for bed, say fine.. you don't mind if they're too tired and cranky in school and just leave it at that and walk away.

You walking away and leaving them in silence, gives them time to think about it, and it'll confuse them into doing what you want!

justo · 19-10-2010 2:46pm

First of all, sorry to hear the stress you are under.

Since becoming a parent a few years ago, I have often thought how hard raising children must be for single parents - I find it a real challenge sometimes - even though I am sharing the task with my partner.

The advice above seems really sound. All I can add is that I think the frustration you feel is incredibly common and I understand fully how exhausting it is not to be able to carry out the most straightforward of tasks, like getting out of the house with clothes on!

At 6 yrs old, would your child be ready to have a chat about how you need him/ her to help you and get them to work with you rather than the two of you pulling in opposite directions?

Fittle · 19-10-2010 3:04pm

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

Fantastic advice above...

Just to reiterate with my own comments..

1. Never ever get emotional...or at least don't show it. You must remain the calm adult, which not only allows you to retain control, but is also a good life-lesson for your son/daughter.

Sorry, don't mean to be picky here, but never showing your emotion to your child is just wrong, and also impossible!

Kids need to see emotion - no, they don't need to hear mammy screaming morning, noon and night (not you OP, just mammies in general:D), but they certainly need to see that we can lose our temper, cry, laugh and do all the other stuff that normal people do.

I've a pal who runs out of the room if she wants to cry/gets angry/begins to lose the head at her daughter etc - she hates the thoughts of her daughter seeing her in bad mood/angry or tearful etc. While I kind of get that, her kid is pretty emotion-less because of it!!!!!

wolfpawnat · 19-10-2010 3:07pm

Fittle wrote: »

Sorry, don't mean to be picky here, but never showing your emotion to your child is just wrong, and also impossible!

I think the poster only meant it in regards to when it comes to correcting the child. You cannot be seen as upset or angry. When you are giving punishment it has to be calm. Otherwise it does not have the same force in it

Nevyn · 19-10-2010 3:11pm

At that age they play all sort of power games, it's hard not to get into it with them,
esp when they know how to press your buttons. If you want authority you have to assert it and be their parent and not their pal. It means you have to be as hard headed if not more so then they are being. You have to mean what you say and follow it through no matter what sort of emotional blackmail they try. It is not easy but it is worth is for if she turns 7 not respecting your authority then there is a good chance she will be a tear away by the time she is 17.

I had to do with with mine, took away all toys and privileges and refused to give them a say or a choice in anything, it was hard going but I found it the only way to show them how much they have and to appreicate it and to learn to respect thier parents and the parental authority. Do it right and you make your life easier in the long run.

I know it's hard and no one wants to see their kid upset but making a child cry or get upset is not child abuse and at times it's needed.

metrovelvet · 19-10-2010 5:05pm

Sometimes kids get a secret thrill out of seeing you like this. Its the excitement and danger of seeing a a different self emerge out their mother. Its written about in psychoanalytic literature.

littlebug · 19-10-2010 5:41pm

I find I'm more likely to get wound up in the mornings if I'm going to work too. If I get wound up they get wound up and it turns into a vicious circle. If I make sure to have all my own stuff and myself ready, bags and lunchboxes etc done in good time then I can give them a bit more attention in the mornings. The youngest tends to drag his heels a bit but with a bit of a nudge here and there e.g I get one arm out of his top he'll do the rest himself with me giving orders or any conflict. I think I even do it without saying anything.... just grab a sleeve now and again etc.

furious before child get dressed etc.

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