how to help a depressed friend???

trulla

Hi,
I need some advice of how i can help my friend, whom I think suffers from depression. First i will give the background story to this.
He is a family friend for years and things were good, but i always felt that he was very fragile in his personality, never had much confidence in himself. i also think he was quite lonely, even tho he had loads of friends. But he was single as long as i know him, but then he met somebody and was in a relationship. Everything was going great for him and he was a very happy man until it all went wrong. She left him a broken man. If i may add they had a child together too, which he never met, cause as soon as she found out she finished the relationship. It broke his heart, he is pining for this child and she doesn’t allow him anything to do with the kid.
I reckon this was the trigger for it, cause since all this happened everything changed. He completely closed himself up to everybody. Contact was getting less and less with the time until all contact with his friends was totally gone. For the last 2 years i am trying to get back in touch with him. He lives with his parents on the farm. We know the parents too, not well tho. We tried to ring him so many times but its his mother answering the phone all the time and keeps telling us he is not in or busy or whatever. We also know from her that he lost his job and is unemployed since. So he doesn't even get out anymore, only works on the farm. I don’t know if his mother knows what is going on. I personally think she is one of them typical irish mammys who just close their eyes and ears to those kind of problems and can't see what’s actually happening with her child. (The friend we are talking about is in his late 30's by the way!)
I think he is telling her to get rid of people who phone him. And if we ring his mobile phone, there is no answer. He does not answer text messages or anything.
Now, he lives about a good hour away from us. So it is not that easy to pop down to his house. But we often thought about that. i am at this stage now where i think, should i just jump in the car and drive to his house to see him. But my Husband reckons he will either not answer the door or even tell us to f**** off.
So, i don’t really know what to do? That’s why i am turning to this place here and see if i can get any advise on how to tackle this problem. I do want to help him, but i am afraid i am running against a brick wall with him, if you know what i mean.
If i do turn up on his doorstep, what do i say? I do not want to say the wrong thing and he then shuts down and leaves me standing there. I want to know how to get through to him, i don’t even know if he is aware of his problem.

I really do hope ye can give me some advise here, as i am so afraid he'll do harm to himself, he would be that kind of person.
My husband actually gave up on him and thinks "well we tried the last 2 years to get in touch with him, if he doesn’t want to leave him to it! He'll come around"
I am not ready to give up yet and i need to do something for him now. This is bothering all a long, hopefully ye can help me here.
Thanks so much for listening, much appreciated!

DM addict

That's a tough situation, and I don't have an easy answer.

My gut response is to say go round and see him, adn stay until he agrees to talk to you. Having been depressed myself, I know that sometimes you need someone to be standing in front of you and saying "I think you need help".

However, I also know of a friend who completely cut off contact with a large group of his friends a few years ago because he wanted some space from them and a chance to develop new relationships.

Not knowing yourself or your friend, it's hard to tell you what to do. If you think his mam is likely to ignore any potential problem, then it might not be much use talking to her about it - but don't rule it out. Sometimes those who seem to have their head in the sand are actually tuned in but don't want to face it. She might need someone like yourself to force her to realise what's going on.

On the other hand your friend might be fine but might just want to be alone. Personally, I wouldn't assume that until he's told you so face to face.

I stand by my original statement - I would drive to see him and stay until I spoke to him properly (and I mean camping out in the car if it came to it). Unless you can think of a good reason why he wouldn't want to talk to you that's what I'd recommend.

Hope it helps.

HereIGo

I agree with DM Addict. What have you got to lose? It will always be on your mind. If you go, and the worst happens and he does slam the door in your face, you will have made a great attempt. If that does happen, and you still want to help, you may think of another way to try. You cant look too far down the road and forsee all the whys and wherefores. He is lucky to have you, you are a good friend.