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GOVERNMENT SCRAPS PLAN TO GET LAST 9m CRETINS ONLINE

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  • 23-10-2010 9:40am
    #1
    bealtine
    Registered Users Posts: 4,051 ✭✭✭


    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/government-scraps-plan-to-get-last-9m-cretins-online-201010213182/

    EFFORTS to get Britain's stupidest people online by 2011 have been suspended after free modems were boiled or used as hats.

    Up to nine million people in the UK still do not have home internet which experts say may actually be a very good thing as they are halfwits who wear socks on their ears.

    A senior Whitehall source said: "We are dealing with people who think broadband is a sort of cheese from Denmark.

    "You give them a computer and they'll either try to rut with it or hit it with a shovel and then urinate themselves with fear because it doesn't bleed.

    "Eventually we realised that there is a reason some people still don't have the internet. Either they are older than Cliff Richard or they are the sort of people who should not be part of any shared thing, such as electricity, information and genes."

    Cretin Emma Bradford said: "Internet lets witches get in your house.

    "They come down the wires in the electric juice and you can't stop them because having the internet is basically inviting them because, the witches have a contract with the man that runs that internet.

    "My brother had internet and he got killed by a cat that was driving a car."

    Tom Logan, a man who watches ITV2 and arrives at car boot sales very early, added: "Lots of computers have AIDS on the keys so I don't use them.

    "Although I did have some internet on my toast the other day, it was quite nice. No wait, maybe that was something else."


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