Child Support-Please read

metrovelvet

Butterflylove wrote: »

Well I dont see how my brother could have failed him, he did all in his powers to try and get things sorted, he bent over backwards to try and make easier for his son. But sure your entitled to your opinion.

She didnt want my brother near the child because she was confused and not in a right mind, she was only 21.

His child doesn't have a mother now because she couldn't cope. She did her own version of walking.

Like I said, when things get too much I can understand either side walking the plank in a sinking ship. Everyone has their own limits on what 'too much' constitutes and we can only do what we can manage.

In the end he got access to the child, but at a high cost with no chance of recovering that loss.

Its good to hear that he is happy and healthy though.

Fittle

I second what metro just said - it's really good to hear that this child is doing well and is healthy.

His mum, unfortunately, was obviously mentally ill - it's a shame she didn't have the support around her to give her the will to live - but sometimes, people like her are beyond help and all the support in the world might not have been what she needed. She was lucky she met a guy like your brother, and the son is blessed to have you, your brother and your family to be raising him.

noel123ie

Fittle wrote: »

I don't remember 'damning the father'? I said that he walked away and in my opinion, he shouldn't have.

The OP, in this instance did not disclose enough information to warrant you saying that his life was destroyed, he had lost any chance of normality and his health was suffering.

He should have stayed in contact. That's what I would have done. If he loved the child, he would have gone to ends of the earth to keep in contact. Whether that be through a family member, by sending the child cards for birthdays - anything. Just maintain any level of contact even if it's to ensure the safety of your child. He knows where his child lives.

He walked away.

I am not saying that there aren't situations where women make it unbearable for men to stick around - of course there are. But most of those men stick around DESPITE the unbearable situation.

I would die for my child. If someone said to me, right, for him to live, you have to die, I wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And I would assume that all parents feel this way about their children. But some don't. Some blame the other parent for making it difficult for them to stay. When the reality is, those that weren't that interested in the first place, walk away.

Those that were interested and feel like most parents do about their children, stick around and put up with the arguing for the sake of the child.

Think about it.

You have a child. The mother is telling the child you're evil. And you decide to walk away??? How could anyone walk away from their child after 6 years of parenting because the mother was making life difficult for them?? How??

I walked away after 6 years-not 6 months and continue to pay maintenance- you are not professionally qualified and do not know me well enough to judge me

And yes I would give all for my child-saying I would die is very melodamatic

m'lady

noel123ie wrote: »

I walked away after 6 years-not 6 months and continue to pay maintenance- you are not professionally qualified and do not know me well enough to judge me

And yes I would give all for my child-saying I would die is very melodamatic

Reading this whole thread I was undecided about your situation, still am really. You came on looking for advice, yet you have not answered much at all?

Most parents would say they would die for their child, I would and I know my childs father would ( we are not together). I don't get how you can say its 'melodramatic'?

Also you say you would 'give all' for your child, is that apart from any effort into seeing her regardless of the situation?

P.S. With regards to you having a go at a poster for not being 'professionally qualified' (and I don't know how you can claim to know this), perhaps you should seek professional advice, rather than putting a thread up and not be prepared for people who will come in from different sides without lashing out at them and not prepared to answer many,if any, questions people have asked you, as they are (in some cases) trying to give you genuine advice.

Fittle

noel123ie wrote: »

I walked away after 6 years-not 6 months and continue to pay maintenance- you are not professionally qualified and do not know me well enough to judge me

And yes I would give all for my child-saying I would die is very melodamatic

Number One: I'm not judging you, and there is no one in this world who can be 'professionally qualified' to judge you.

Number Two: I never said 6 months, nowhere did I say that.

Number Three: I never said 'you' would die. I said I would die for my child. And I said that most parents would do the same.

I fail to see how your short reply has clarified anything.

noel123ie

m'lady wrote: »

Reading this whole thread I was undecided about your situation, still am really. You came on looking for advice, yet you have not answered much at all?

Most parents would say they would die for their child, I would and I know my childs father would ( we are not together). I don't get how you can say its 'melodramatic'?

Also you say you would 'give all' for your child, is that apart from any effort into seeing her regardless of the situation?

P.S. With regards to you having a go at a poster for not being 'professionally qualified' (and I don't know how you can claim to know this), perhaps you should seek professional advice, rather than putting a thread up and not be prepared for people who will come in from different sides without lashing out at them and not prepared to answer many,if any, questions people have asked you, as they are (in some cases) trying to give you genuine advice.

Thanks for your reply

I thought I had given a good outline of the situation if you like to pose some questions I will answer these

Noel

m'lady

noel123ie wrote: »

Thanks for your reply

I thought I had given a good outline of the situation if you like to pose some questions I will answer these

Noel

Ok, well I guess what a lot of people, including myself would like to know is why did you give up trying to see your child? I know you say that the childs mother was making things difficult at the time, (and I can see how that was a bad situation to be in), but at the end of the day she is your flesh and blood, and you were the adult (as opposed to your child) to try and change the whole situation.

I do know that the courts are nearly always on the mothers side (which is just wrong), but surely you should have kept trying? Perhaps your child wanted to continue to see you, but sadly in these situations the child never gets to make a decision.

Are you now just wanting to 'cover yourself' by continuing to pay maintenance into another account,and was this maintenance through the courts? (I apologise if you have answered this already).

Did your family play a part in your childs life at all, and if so, do they still?

I'll also add here Noel, its not my intention here to slate you, I honestly can see both sides, and am only asking these questions to try and see it from your stance and not other posters who are nearly making up your situation as they go along,if that makes sense.

The Corinthian

m'lady wrote: »

Reading this whole thread I was undecided about your situation, still am really. You came on looking for advice, yet you have not answered much at all?

It's very difficult to assess Noel's actual involvement in the first six years of his daughter's life. Perhaps he went through the motions and is exaggerating his commitment. Perhaps he did pursue every available avenue and discovered that for fathers in Ireland (and most of the Western World) they're all dead ends. He hasn't expanded sufficiently to shed light on this.

Either way, it doesn't make a huge difference at this stage - he's lost his daughter and chastising him for it isn't going to change that. His chances of getting back into her life, before adulthood, are pretty close to zero. It's a moot point at this stage.

Now, it might make some of the other posters feel better about themselves to flame him, but that's another topic.

Most parents would say they would die for their child, I would and I know my childs father would ( we are not together). I don't get how you can say its 'melodramatic'?

When I hear claims of self sacrifice for one's children, I'll have to admit that it does sound rather melodramatic to me too, largely because in makes claims of grand gestures in hypothetical situations, when often the same parent does not make lesser sacrifices in the real ones.

For example, an unfit custodial parent (due to psychological, substance abuse or other reasons) might well make the claim that they would 'die' for their child, but even though it may be in the interests of a child to be put into care or adopted, this is a sacrifice that suddenly they don't want to make. Sometimes mothers will be willing to 'die' for their children, but will base the child's relationship with the father, not on what is best for the child but their own relationship with the father.

I would more than likely sacrifice myself to save my son in one of those split-second hypothetical scenarios. I think that's perfectly normal. But I'm not going to use such an admission to claim moral authority on the subject, because in the real World, things aren't that simple. To do that would sound like BS to me.

LegacyUser

From what I have seen of several very similar situations it would appear that it is the most manipulative of the parents that gains the upper hand in the short run, be it the mother or father. If it is the mother, however, generally speaking she is given custody, and custody makes being manipulative a whole lot easier…

I say in the short run because in the long run the parent who will not stoop to blatant manipulation and tit for tat, but is always there for the child in one way or another, will almost always be recognised by the child in the end (and we all know I am talking many years here) as the one who really cared about the child and not about him or herself.

Could I suggest writing a diary, or a blog for your daughter to read one day? If you could provide a background explanation in an initial entry, and then just your daily thoughts of her in subsequent entries, it would be there for her to find one day, online or on paper particularly if, heaven forbid, anything should happen to you. Your feelings apart, she might never know how much you cared, and it might make an enormous difference to her.

I probably don’t need to point this out but only let her know how hard you tried to be a part of her life– not how hard your ex tried to stop you. No matter how tempting it maybe to write “I tried so hard to see you but your mother did this that and the other” just tell her how YOU tried. That’s all she needs to know, no child should be told that their mother or father was a scheming, manipulative, selfish person who put their desire to be vindictive above their (the child’s) well being, no matter how true it may be. All she needs to know is that her father cared, and still cares. If it were in blog form, i.e. in the public domain, I would not put my name or hers to the blog, I would just include certain details that when the time is right in years to come, she can read it and know beyond all doubt that it is for her, and that her father DID care.