Lovely flatmate, nasty boyfriend

emmabrighton

ok so here is the problem, I have a great flatmate. She is brilliant - probably one of the best ive ever had. She is mature, tidy, good personality and even buys wine during the week for both of us to drink.

Her boyfriend, on the other hand is a total skanger. It didnt bother me too much because I wasnt around on the weekends. Id generally go home from Dublin on the weekends but now college is getting a bit more hectic, i have to stick around more. So, now i see him more.

I know it sounds crazy but this actually happened. Last saturday, I invited a friend of mine up from home to come out in town. My flatmate offered to cook and I was delighted because I cant.

We had lots of yummy food and lots of great wine. Then her boyf produced some smokes and everything was going great. By now, it was nearly 11 so we hopped in the taxi and went into town.

I was hammered so my friend and I left early.

That really should be where this story ends but unfortunately my friend told me that she woke up during the night cos someone was rubbing her back and stroking her legs. At first she thought it was me but then she realised it was my flatmates boyfriend.

And told him to get out. She was sleeping on an air matress on the floor so she knew that it hadnt been a mistake and he hadnt accidentally wandered into my room thinking it was his girlfriends bedroom.

The guy is a total creep. Now, a few years ago I was attacked by a taxi driver coming home drunk one night so you can imagine i am totally freaked out by this. I love my apartment and my flatmate is great. Ive only been living in dublin for 3 months now having lost my job and returned to college at the ripe old age of 28. So you can understand why im afraid.

My friend couldnt even stay the whole weekend so went back yesterday morning because she was so freaked out.
He is acting like nothing happened. I am actually contemplating booking into a hotel until he goes home tomorrow.

I dont think i can tell my flatemate because I barely know her and obviously she will believe her boyfriend over my friend.

What should I do? Should I move out - I have signed a lease until Janurary or should I tell her. I cant confront him. I am too afraid of him at this point. I need some real advice please thanks.

amdublin

emmabrighton wrote: »

Should I move out

Yes

kippy

Probably worth raising the incident with your house mate first - although what she says might be irrelevant.
Have you any friends around town you could move in with on short notice? Might be worth mentioning it to them.

emmabrighton

Hey back again.

Ok so thats pretty clear, the consensus is that I should move out.

So not fair cos I rented the place but I cant turf her out cos its not her fault her boyfriend is a creep.

Having been a girl for 28 years, I reckon I know them and she would want to believe her boyfriend over her flatmate. I dont really think thats a runner.

I will be away at conferences in europe for the next two weeks so will make up a convincing lie for when I come back.

Now, it gets more complicated. My name is on the lease and I sublet to her but did tell the letting agent. Will it be possible for her to stay and for me to move out?

I would hate to mess her over because of her pervy boyfriend.

kippy

emmabrighton wrote: »

Hey back again.

Ok so thats pretty clear, the consensus is that I should move out.

So not fair cos I rented the place but I cant turf her out cos its not her fault her boyfriend is a creep.

Having been a girl for 28 years, I reckon I know them and she would want to believe her boyfriend over her flatmate. I dont really think thats a runner.

I will be away at conferences in europe for the next two weeks so will make up a convincing lie for when I come back.

Now, it gets more complicated. My name is on the lease and I sublet to her but did tell the letting agent. Will it be possible for her to stay and for me to move out?

I would hate to mess her over because of her pervy boyfriend.

You need to put her in the big picture and mention the issues - seriously.

Quandary

Horrible situation alright OP.

1 - you can either tell your flatmate which has obvious difficulties associated with it
2 - you can move out yourself at whatever cost that will incur.

3 - you can try and forget about the situation and continue on with the living arrangement as it is.

Personally I would go with the 3rd option and if anything remotely dodge happened again with this guy go straight to your flatmate and tell her everything.

Just my 2c for what its worth...

emmabrighton

kippy wrote: »

You need to put her in the big picture and mention the issues - seriously.

Grand, you tell me how to do that without having it turn into an episod of jerry springer and Ill do it...

She only moved in just over a month ago - I barely know the girl... she has been dating him for 6 months.

She wont believe me... I have never ever heard of an incident when a girl was told something bad about her boyfriend and they actually believed it...

What do I say? By the way, Im moving out because your boyfriend is a perv?

User Friendly

Stop smoking dope,getting pissed and maybe these situations wont occur.28 years old and cant cook,you really should learn to cook.

Quandary

User Friendly wrote: »

Stop smoking dope,getting pissed and maybe these situations wont occur.28 years old and cant cook,you really should learn to cook.

I have a great flatmate. She is brilliant - probably one of the best ive ever had. She is mature, tidy, good personality and even buys wine during the week for both of us to drink."

I dont think i can tell my flatemate because I barely know her and obviously she will believe her boyfriend over my friend.

How has her cooking abilities or lack there of got anything to do with what she is asking?

Im also quite sure thousands of people across Dublin get pissed and stoned without getting felt up too.

Cathmandooo

Moving out might have financial implications, you could lose your deposit, be liable for your rent for the remainder of your lease.

Personally I'd tell her and see how she reacts. Say exactly what you said in your post, that your friend woke up to the guy feeling her.

If she flips out at you I'd get the wheels in motion to moving out, but let her sleep on it, it's going to upst her. See how she is the next day and discuss moving out, see if she wants to move out.

argosy2006

show your flat mate this thread, then she will see how awful you feel about telling her what happened, but by shown her she will see what happened
get it out in the open

fat__tony

emmabrighton wrote: »

Hey back again.

Ok so thats pretty clear, the consensus is that I should move out.

So not fair cos I rented the place but I cant turf her out cos its not her fault her boyfriend is a creep.

Having been a girl for 28 years, I reckon I know them and she would want to believe her boyfriend over her flatmate. I dont really think thats a runner.

I will be away at conferences in europe for the next two weeks so will make up a convincing lie for when I come back.

Now, it gets more complicated. My name is on the lease and I sublet to her but did tell the letting agent. Will it be possible for her to stay and for me to move out?

I would hate to mess her over because of her pervy boyfriend.

This is a simple situation to resolve in my opinion.

Kindly tell your flatmate that her repulsive boyfriend is barred from the apartment and if she doesn't like that then tell her to sling her hook.

Why in the blazes would you have to move out, grow a backbone woman!

ted1

it may have been a genuine accident. Maybe he sleep walks could have been the drink and joints.↲i'd the reverse happen me. I woke us to find my friend who was staying at the other side of the room had stripped naked and jumped into bed and started spooning me. When i whispered into my girlfriend's ear that our mutual friend was on the other side she didn't believe me till i sat up so she could see her. We all still laugh over the situation.

Victor

User Friendly wrote: »

Stop smoking dope,getting pissed and maybe these situations wont occur.

While being stoned / drunk makes it harder to prevent such unwanted advances, they don't cause unwanted advances.

28 years old and cant cook,you really should learn to cook.

None of your business.

---

I take it that you woke when your friend discovered him? So there are two witnesses against one?

Either:
You move out.
She moves out.
He is banned from the premises / they break up.

amdublin

User Friendly wrote: »

Stop smoking dope,getting pissed and maybe these situations wont occur.28 years old and cant cook,you really should learn to cook.

Am I blind?

Where was dope mentioned

djimi

emmabrighton wrote: »

Hey back again.

Ok so thats pretty clear, the consensus is that I should move out.

So not fair cos I rented the place but I cant turf her out cos its not her fault her boyfriend is a creep.

Having been a girl for 28 years, I reckon I know them and she would want to believe her boyfriend over her flatmate. I dont really think thats a runner.

I will be away at conferences in europe for the next two weeks so will make up a convincing lie for when I come back.

Now, it gets more complicated. My name is on the lease and I sublet to her but did tell the letting agent. Will it be possible for her to stay and for me to move out?

I would hate to mess her over because of her pervy boyfriend.

Nor is it your problem that he is a creep. She chooses to be with him, you dont.

Personally I think you need to tell her what happened, preferably with the aid of the friend in question if possible. If she doesnt want to listen then you can assess your options from there, but I think you should talk to her about it.

southsiderosie

OP I had a similar situation a few months ago. I moved into a shared house and a few weeks later a really nice girl moved in...and she had the most horrible boyfriend ever. I don't want to go into details, but there was an incident after which I did not feel safe with him being in the house. But I had paid my deposit and moving is a pain in the ass, so we had a "chat" where she agreed that he would not come back into the house (she also claimed that they had broken up). Well of course they made up and she snuck him in and out. Cue more drama.

At a minimum you should tell her that the bf is not welcome, and if she insists on having him over, then she needs to get her own place. And if she starts a lot of drama, just nip it in the bud right there and then and tell her that it would probably be best if she just moved out, since you don't want to live with tension in the house. And if she still makes a fuss, take it up with the landlord.

emmabrighton

Ok thanks for the comments, and the shouting.

Yeah - definatly need to get a backbone... thats a given... thats why hes been mucking about here for the past few weeks although i made it 100% obvious that I didnt want him around the day I gave her the keys...

As for the cooking thing, I wouldnt say Im a toast burner but havent any tour busses pulling up to my front door quite yet....

As for the dope - id say the alcohol was probably the big problem hence why I forgot to lock the bedroom door.

That still doesnt stop that a-hole being such a perv... and no i didnt wake up... again, was a bit too drunk.

User Friendly

Victor wrote: »

While being stoned / drunk makes it harder to prevent such unwanted advances, they don't cause unwanted advances Im not saying drinking bieng out of control causes unwanted advances,i am saying bieng pissed puts someone in a vulnerable position.

None of your business.

Actually the whole story is none of my business nor is it yours for that matter,ive made a suggestion to the poster,instead of drinking wine during the week,she could/should learn to cook.

southsiderosie

User Friendly wrote: »

Actually the whole story is none of my business nor is it yours for that matter,ive made a suggestion to the poster,instead of drinking wine during the week,she could/should learn to cook.

Why? So the OP can defend herself with a nice rack of lamb? :rolleyes:

trixie_belle12

fat__tony wrote: »

This is a simple situation to resolve in my opinion.

Kindly tell your flatmate that her repulsive boyfriend is barred from the apartment and if she doesn't like that then tell her to sling her hook.

Why in the blazes would you have to move out, grow a backbone woman!

Totally agree here. Why should you suffer? Additionally although i'm sure your flatmate is a lovely girl there are alot of people out there looking to rent

The_Morrigan

emmabrighton wrote: »

Ok thanks for the comments, and the shouting.

Yeah - definatly need to get a backbone... thats a given... thats why hes been mucking about here for the past few weeks although i made it 100% obvious that I didnt want him around the day I gave her the keys...

As for the cooking thing, I wouldnt say Im a toast burner but havent any tour busses pulling up to my front door quite yet....

As for the dope - id say the alcohol was probably the big problem hence why I forgot to lock the bedroom door.

That still doesnt stop that a-hole being such a perv... and no i didnt wake up... again, was a bit too drunk.

ah that bit scares me slightly - no one should have to lock themselves into their bedroom in their own* house.



*owned, rented or leased

southsiderosie

I just caught that - you were locking the door BEFORE this happened? Oh hell no.

Girl, you need to kick this fool out of your house. NOW.

emmabrighton

Yes, its not any of your business.... you must all stop reading right now

Well, if I cooked the lamb and threw it at him as he was coming in the bedroom door, id probably knock him out and then id be able to make my get away

Lets leave aside the fact that I wont be cooking the christmas dinner this year as im far too busy drinking free wine bought by my flatmate. Agreed?

Is it at all possible to gently tell your flatmate that her boyfriend gives me the heebyjeebys without any drama? My friend - for obvious reasons - wont come back to Dublin so I think im on my own...

Chinafoot

2 years ago myself and the other half rented out the spare room in our rented apartment to a girl our own age who seemed dead sound. It was all going really well. She got on great with both of us, would happily sit chatting to the other half and would insist on myself and herself watching trashy reality tv together. We couldn't have asked for better. Then the boyfriend appeared.

While he didn't do anything as bad as what this guy has done he made both myself and my boyfriend very uncomfortable when he was here and for some reason, our sound flatmate turned into a tool. He was aggressive when speaking to us, when I asked him to be careful of the doors because they slam shut he made sure to slam the sitting room door every time and then would look at me and say really sarky "is that alright for you?!" constantly smoked hash in her room despite us making it very clear that all smoking has to happen on the balcony...and I'm not exactly a non-smoker and the boyfriend likes the odd cigar. He was pretty much constantly here and it all came to a head after one night where they came home drunk, thought nobody was home and proceeded to get drunk, smoke hash all over the apartment and basically rip me and the other half to shreds. I heard every single word of it including him telling her he was going to go into our bedroom for a look. At that point I made an appearance as it was a step too far for me. He just laughed but she shít herself and tried to be all nice to me.

The next day, when he was gone, we had it out. She claimed not to remember anything and I told her exactly what was said and I told her that we weren't comfortable with her boyfriend being in the apartment. I told her that his behaviour was out of order, he constantly used all the hot water, constantly had the heat on and contributed nothing but a horrible atmosphere and we, quite frankly, didn't want him there. She moved out that day.

I know your situation is different in that your flatmate is unaware of what happened and that you have been getting on really well. But OP, I would urge you to tell her what happened. You don't have to be aggressive or confrontational and you don't have to tell her she has to move out. Tell her what your friend told you. Tell her that you appreciate that there was a lot of drink involved but that it made you very uncomfortable and that you don't want anything like that to happen again. If she is in any way reasonable she will listen to what you say and speak to her boyfriend. If she doesn't believe you and you don't want him being in your home then tell her she will have to leave. Your name is on the lease and she should be the one to go. She's only been there a month so give her back her deposit and send her on her way. You'll find someone else to share the rent. Best of luck.

ntlbell

after taking on some smoke and being drunk, is she 100% sure it was him?

maybe she had an odd dream?

I'm not sticking up for the guy but this is a pretty serious situation and if you're going to confront her you need to be 100% sure, did you see it yourself? hear or see him leave the room?

It's a really awkward situation.

kippy

Again,
Bring it up with your flatmate. Mention exactly what happens.
See how she reacts.
You are the lease holder, you lose most by moving out, put the ball into her court. If she doesnt sort out the situation its in her court to move out.

Joeyjoejoe83

Sorry your in this position, I don't envy you! Can I just ask though, what was your opinion of him before this incident? Don't know if youve mentioned already but I think its relevant before taking any advice.

User Friendly

southsiderosie wrote: »

Why?

No dude...... shes 28..... thats why.

emmabrighton

ntlbell wrote: »

It's a really awkward situation.

Well, exactly. Its a really difficult situation. Nothing can be proven and Im a heavy sleeper at the best of times so I cant even act as a second witness.

Of course, its not like anything happened. But the point is, it could have. And that is what frightens me.

Like i said, I wasnt afraid of him before saturday night, I was just afraid in general that is why I locked my bedroom door.

I know that his reasons dont matter but my friend and I discussed this yesterday. Is it possible that because he was drunk he thought that it was ok? Maybe he feels bad about it now. He has been acting weird around me. I go into the kitchen, he goes out to the bedroom. I barricade myself in the bedroom, he comes in to watch tv.

TBH, I reckon he remembers and he suspects my friend told me what happened.

MagicMarker

Eh, tell your flat mate. If that doesn't work tell her the bf isn't welcome in the apartment and if that doesn't work throw her ass out.

You moving out should be a last resort.