Partner's mother is dying

LegacyUser

Hi

My partners mother was diagnosed with cancer a while back and it seems she may be coming towards her last few weeks now.

I'm just writing here for a bit of support really.

I always sort of knew that when the time came for this to happen he would start lashing out and 'they' say that its usually at the person they are closest to. But now that that time is here I'm finding it extremely hard to cope with.

My partner has turned very venomous towards me, shouting at me, picking fights with me and cursing at me like I've never known him to. We were at a party one night last week and he treated me so badly at it that I left in tears. When I got home I was bombarded with text messages telling me I was a slut for talking to his friends.

Over the course of the last week he has also told me that I am a crap girlfriend and that I'm irritating. This week he also told me that at times he 'fcuking hates me' with emphasis on the hate.

We had another 'situation' tonight which I won't get into but it ended up in my parent's front door almost coming off its hinges and me being asked 'would you ever fcuk off out of my life'

I know it's probably incredibly selfish for me to be asking for support when its his mam who is dying, but I really don't know what to do. I'm not the kind of person who can take a lot of crap without exploding, yet I feel that this is one of those situations where I have a duty to. However, its building up a lot of frustration and resentment.

Help please.

LegacyUser

hello OP, I lost my Mother a few weeks ago and I can honestly say I never had the urge to treat my OH in such a way. I think there is more of an underlyling problem there with him to turn around and lash out at you than his Mothers dying. It's not your fault his Mam is ill.

He sounds a nasty piece of work tbh and I think you should get away from him. I know you might worry what people will say, that you left him at such a hard time. But in his own words he has told you to get out of his life, you are a crap girlfriend and you irritate him. So it's him breaking it off with you not the other way around.

I am so sorry for your pain. I am less sorry for him, it is bitterly hard to lose your Mother, bitterly hard. I lost patience in traffic and with parking meters not with my OH who gave me great comfort. But what he is doing to you is wrong and his Mother dying does not excuse it.

We all lose our parents sooner or later it does not give anyone the right to emotionally abuse someone else.

John Mason

OP,i have been in your situation.

it was like i had killed his father and he was trying to inflict as much pain on me as possible.

i am afraid i have no words of advice for you, we broke up about a month after the funeral, as i could take being his emotional punchbag.

i just hope you are okay and can find a way of this with your relationship in tact

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps step away for a while and ask that when or if he stops hating you/wanting you out of his life to contact you and leave him to it.

There is no point in letting him get away with being so horrible and hoping it won't escalate further. It's one thing hurting and feeling helpless and angry but no situation gives him the right to be abusing to his partner.

Is there anyone that could have a word in his ear that what he's doing isn't acceptable? A brother or best friends perhaps?

Bill2673

this a very tricky one and really you must make your own mind up on it.

There's a limit to the amount of abuse anyone needs to take, and being stressed or bereaved doesn't give people a right to lash out like that.

I'm really reluctant to give you adivce as its such a personal situation and its your relationship which is a very important thing to anyone. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Talk to your family about it. Tell your brothers or sisters or your parents or your best friends and see what they think. Don't worry what they will think about him being a dick. You need support and you need to protect yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys

I think that yes I need to tell someone about this - I think his sister would be the best person.

The problem is that he and his mother are very close, extremely close and in the 4+ years that this has been going on he has only spoken about it on 2 occasions.

He has bottled everything up for so long and its hitting him like a tonne of bricks now.
I know that he is coming across as an ass by these posts - and rightly so because he is being one - but there is honestly no underlying issue that I am aware of here - I suppose what I'm saying is that he never acts like this, EVER usually.

Every time it happens, he comes back to apologise. He knows he is in the wrong but is caught between denial and acceptance I think. His mother is a great woman and has become like a mother to me over the course of our relationship so I'm looking after him while trying to manage my own hurt too.

He is only like this after going to visit her in the hospice - there is a definite switch in mood after those visits. He is literally seeing her deteriorate before his very eyes.

Splitting with him is not an option because I love him and he loves me too - we have a fantastic relationship aside from this and I honestly see it as my duty as his g.friend to be there for him anyway.

Talking to someone is great advice though - I'm going to speak with his sister and tell her what is going on - she can maybe talk to him about this in a way that I can't as she is not my mother and I am not feeling the same hurt as they are.

Its nice to hear from others with their experiences and also sorry to hear of your losses.

CathyMoran

My husband's mother has terminal lung cancer at the moment but is being as wonderful as he always is. OP grief is no excuse for bad behaviour - I understand that you may not want to confront him now and are still being supporting but maybe you should take him on his word and leave him. if nothing else he has shown himself to not be a very nice person and you deserve far better than him.

Neyite

he is lashing out because he is bottling it all up inside and that never works.
he is lashing out at you because you will take it, and he has no consequences for his actions. I bet he doesnt lash out at his sister?- because she wouldnt be long putting manners on him- you need to do the same.

bereavement does not give anyone the excuse to treat their partner with such disrespect as you have described, and you need to get tough with him. the next time he kicks off, ask him to leave or turn off your phone, and dont interact with him until he is ready to apologise, or the next day or so. then when he does this, you need to be firm, and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, dont let his mothers condition excuse this, and that he is damaging your relationship.

my sister was horrible to me when our dad was dying. and she tried to pass it off with 'but im just upset because of dad...etc' but i never let her off the hook for it, and neither should you. you dont get a 'pass' because someone is near the end. i left the family home the day after the funeral, and i was very blunt in telling her that it was because of her behaviour that i was leaving. for my birthday a few days later i invited the other siblings to hang out with me (didnt feel like celebrating) in my home but not her. i told her straight she was not invited because she was a b**ch to me for weeks, and she needed to have a long think whether she wanted a friendship with me or not, because it was hanging by a thread at that stage.it copped her on, she apologised, and made a big effort with me, because she knew then that i demanded respect.essentially she is a nice person, but in her grief she became selfish and it was all about her grief, no-one elses.

get firm with him. you have to if you want your relationship to work.

Dude111

unregged10123 wrote:

My partner has turned very venomous towards me, shouting at me, picking fights with me and cursing at me like I've never known him to. We were at a party one night last week and he treated me so badly at it that I left in tears. When I got home I was bombarded with text messages telling me I was a slut for talking to his friends.

Over the course of the last week he has also told me that I am a crap girlfriend and that I'm irritating. This week he also told me that at times he 'fcuking hates me' with emphasis on the hate.

HE IS VERY UPSET AT KNOWING HIS MOTHER IS GOING THRU THIS!!!

You have to be there for him NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES.... NO ONE IS BETTER @ HELPING HIM THRU THIS THAN YOU!!!!

God bless you all

Lost Mother too wrote:

I lost my Mother a few weeks ago

I am so sorry

Nevyn

No he needs to go get professional help to deal with what he is feeling and be abusing his partner due to not coping. She shoudl nto have to but up with that sort of abuse.

axel rose

Dude111 wrote: »

HE IS VERY UPSET AT KNOWING HIS MOTHER IS GOING THRU THIS!!!

You have to be there for him NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES.... NO ONE IS BETTER @ HELPING HIM THRU THIS THAN YOU!!!!

God bless you all


I am so sorry

Dude, the OP IS supporting her partner. However the OP does not see this, the OP is abusive to the extreme. No one should accept this behaviour. There is never an acceptable reason for abusive behaviour.

OP this is not acceptable and you need to challenge this, otherwise it could escalate.