Would you read on, is the storyand grammar any good.Its a story called "She is god"?

EducationFinder

Would you read on, is it any good. Its a story called "She is god"?

The air was below freezing. The streets that where usually booming with hundreds of people where silent. It was as silent as an old church in a profane town, a town unlike this one which had a dark and long history relating to their religious believes. In the midst of all this silent’s stood a young girl dressed as if getting ready to be operated on. In the freezing cold weather her short black hair was damp with sweat, her whole body shivering not because of the temperature outside but because her whole body was consumed in fear and angry.
She walked right in the centre of the sand gravel road, dragging her feet painfully forward. Her pale full lips looked like they wanted to let out a scream but couldn’t. After dragging her now disappearing soles against the ground, she started to make her way towards a footpath with had a tree slightly blocking it. She leaned against this tree sitting down, after awhile she slowly started to hit her head against the large plant enclosed in bark and shedding leaves, the leaves fell to the ground slowly landing both in her hair and on the cold ground.
Almost suddenly out of nowhere a creature which couldn’t be called a celestial being or a man stood behind her, with jet black hair, Dark red eyes and the usual feature of jet black wings. He keen beside her and whispered softly “Poor unfortunate soul, who has loitered too long in this world of the living. Is it not time for you to disappear” A smile creped onto his face due to the surprised look he saw on the young girls face. The girl turned to look at the creature who took the shape of man and an angel at once, and dragged herself from the ground with the help of the tree that stood beside her.
The young woman smiled after the she stood with her two feet and opened her mouth, no words managed to escape but a horrible ear-splitting sound replaced her words, the creature held it ears. Like liquid the wings of the creature washed off, the body did the same, leaving nothing but the insider workings of a mortal. The creature kept scream in a high pitted voice, jumping around like a fish on dry land.
The sound from the girl stopped, the girl looked down on the creature with such hungry eyes. She devoured it whole. After meal was done she licked a blooded soaked fingers clean. The girl that was once afraid and half dead looked more alive than ever, when she stood up and started walking she shouted the words “No it not time for me to disappear, it’s yours”
She was never always like this, it all started when the storm came to town

EileenG

No, the grammar is not good. Several times I had to read lines out loud to try to work out what exactly you were saying. Is English your first language? There's a website called grammarly.com which will do spelling and grammar checks on your story for you.

The story has an interesting concept, but it needs a lot of work.

EducationFinder

She is god..?" please is this any good?
The air was below freezing. The streets that were usually booming with hundreds of people were silent. It was as silent as an old church in a profane town, a town unlike this one which had a dark and long history relating to their religious beliefs. In the midst of all this silent’s stood a young girl dressed as if getting ready to be operated on. In the freezing cold weather her short black hair was damp with sweat, her whole body shivering not because of the temperature outside but because her whole body was consumed by fear and angry.
She walked right in the center of the sand gravel road, dragging her feet painfully forward. Her pale full lips looked like they wanted to let out a scream but couldn’t. After dragging her now disappearing soles against the ground, she started to make her way towards a footpath with had a tree slightly blocking it. She leaned against this tree sitting down, after a while she slowly started to hit her head against the large plant enclosed in bark and shedding leaves, the leaves fell to the ground slowly landing both in her hair and on the cold ground.
Almost suddenly out of nowhere a creature which couldn’t be called a celestial being or a man stood behind her, with jet black hair, Dark red eyes and the usual feature of jet black wings. He keen beside her and whispered softly “poor unfortunate soul, who has loitered too long in this world of the living. Is it not time for you to disappear” A smile crept onto his face due to the surprised look he saw on the young girls face. The girl turned to look at the creature who took the shape of man and an angel at once, and dragged herself from the ground with the help of the tree that stood beside her.
The young woman smiled after then she stood with her two feet and opened her mouth, no words managed to escape but a horrible ear-splitting sound replaced her words, the creature held its ears. Like liquid the wings of the creature washed off, the body did the same, leaving nothing but the insider workings of a mortal. The creature kept screaming in a high pitted voice, jumping around like a fish on dry land.
The sound from the girl stopped, the girl looked down on the creature with such hungry eyes. She devoured it whole. After the meal was done she licked her blood soaked fingers clean. The girl that was once afraid and half dead looked more alive than ever, when she stood up and started walking she shouted the words “No its not time for me to disappear, it’s yours”
She was never always like this, it all started when the storm came to town

EileenG

EducationFinder wrote: »

The temperature was below freezing. The streets were silent. It was as silent as an old church in a profane town. In the midst of the silence a young girl stood. She was dressed as if ready for an operation. In the freezing cold weather her short black hair was damp with sweat. Her body shivered, not from cold but because her body was consumed by fear and anger.

She walked in the center of the sand gravel road, painfully dragging her feet. Her pale full lips looked as if they wanted to scream. She made her way towards a footpath which had a tree obstructing it. She leaned against tree and slowly hit her head against it.

Out of nowhere a creature stood behind her. He had black hair, dark red eyes and jet black wings. He whispered softly “Poor unfortunate soul. You have loitered too long in this world of the living. Is it not time for you to disappear?”

He smiled at the surprised look on the young girl's face. She turned to look at the creature who took the shape of both man and angel, and dragged herself from the ground with the help of the tree.

The young woman smiled, then she stood upright and opened her mouth to release an ear-splitting sound. The creature held his ears. Like liquid, his wings washed off, then his body dissolved, leaving nothing but the innards of a mortal. He screamed, writhing like a landed fish.

The girl stopped, then looked down on the creature with hungry eyes. She devoured it whole, then licked her blood soaked fingers. The girl that had seemed afraid and half dead now looked more alive than ever, She straightened and shouted “No. It's not my time to disappear, it’s yours."

How I would do your story.

EducationFinder

The air was below freezing. The streets that where usually booming with hundreds of people where silent. It was as silence as an old church in a profane town, a town unlike this one which had a dark and long history relating to their religious believes. In the midst of all this silent’s stood a young girl dressed as if getting ready to be operated on. In the freezing cold weather her short black hair was damp with sweat, her whole body shivering not because of the temperature outside but because her whole body was consumed in fear and angry.
She walked right in the centre of the sand gravel road, dragging her feet painfully forward. Her pale full lips looked like they wanted to let out a scream but couldn’t. After dragging her now disappearing soles against the ground, she started to make her way towards a footpath which had a tree slightly blocking it. She leaned against this tree sitting down, after awhile she slowly started to hit her head against the large plant enclosed in bark and shedding leaves, the leaves fell to the ground slowly landing both in her hair and on the cold ground.
Almost suddenly out of nowhere a creature which couldn’t be called a celestial being or a man stood behind her, with jet black hair, Dark red eyes and the usual feature of jet black wings. He keen beside her and whispered softly “Poor unfortunate soul, who has loitered too long in this world of the living. Is it not time for you to disappear” A smile creped onto his face due to the surprised look he saw on the young girls face. The girl turned to look at the creature that took the shape of man and an angel at once, and dragged herself from the ground with the help of the tree that stood beside her.
The young woman smiled after the she stood with her two feet and opened her mouth, no words managed to escape but a horrible ear-splitting sound replaced her words, the creature held it ears. Like liquid the wings of the creature washed off, the body did the same, leaving nothing but the insider workings of a mortal. The creature kept scream in a high pitted voice, jumping around like a fish on dry land.
The sound from the girl stopped, the girl looked down on the creature with such hungry eyes. She devoured it whole. After her meal was done she licked a blooded soaked fingers clean. The girl that was once afraid and half dead looked more alive than ever, when she stood up and started walking she shouted the words “No it not time for me to disappear, it’s yours”
She was never always like this, it all started when the storm came to town.
She had a name, A heart, she feared everything and anything that could harm her in the world just like every other human that lived. Her name was Metus vitae her parent named her that for she was born dead. Metus vita was born with the umbilici cord wrapped around her tiny neck with her rolled into her head. The doctors were in a professional panic trying to save her, even does knowing that it was too late. The people in that room on that very day will never forget the happening of the room, when the cord was removed metus vitae mother who was surprising claim simply said “Don’t be lazy” the sweat dripping from her face from the stress of the giving birth. The child’s eyes rolled from its head, its searched around the room as if in confession. Once its eyes landed on the person who spoke it looked angry. Then it screamed, it screamed unlike a human it screeched rather than screamed. The sound put fear into the doctors and nurses that stood stunned.
Metus’s parents were cult extremist. As teenagers they had joined ‘The Ark‘. They were a cult who worshiped a born child that lives in the stomach of a dead woman. Miracle the child lives, well that what the follower are led to believe. They also believed that the child will be born but from another body when it finds a suitable mother to give it life. The followers have awaited the birth for over two thousand years. No woman in the cult as ever gave birth to a child that hadn’t died. If you weren’t giving birth to the ark or the survivor as it was referred to your first child would die. Metus were the first to give birth to a first child who didn’t die. While the followers had waited for over 2 thousand years they had built their own town due to the ridicule they had faced throughout the years from everyone who thought they were performing a sin or the devils work. The ark was full of brain washed men and women who believed change was to come when all non- believer in the world died, they didn’t believe in god but they believed that a harboured a god in their sanctuary. They believed that when they died their pure body and soul will forever be in peace in a place where you fulfilled for inter most desires.
When Metus was born everyone worshipped her and blessed her patent with the best of everything. Metus thinking she was a normal child as she grew showed no sign of strength, or leadership. The Ark believed that when the Ark was born the non- believers in the world would be consumed by flames and forever forced to have intercourse with demon of ark hell. When Metus was born even does knowing she was no ordinary child, they were still a little disappointed by her existence. Some disappointed that prophecy was not acted upon, some just disappointed and in disbelieve that the saviour was a “mere woman”. The high priest was more in disbelief for the day Metus was born the foetus die. A foetus which had somehow managed to stay alive for two thousand years by feeding on the remains of a mummified woman, who was named “the host” rather than it true name as its mother. The high priest knew from this that the sudden death signified the rebirth and when Metus was born the high priest felt it common sense that Metus, especially because of the happening in the Labour hall, was the saviour.
Sixteen years pasted the people of the Ark split. War broke between three sides. The Normal people of the world who became increasing sick of rivals and sacrifices that took place within the walls of the Ark, the normal people faired they were becoming increasing grow and beyond the intelligent of the normal people, the Ark had secrets that stretched back to two thousand years, two thousand years of magic, that the normal people now believed in since the war started.

azzeretti

I got to the middle of the fourth paragraph and had to stop. I am not trying to be funny here but is English your first language? Maybe you just didn't proof it enough e.g.

It was as silence as an old church in a profane town

whole body was consumed in fear and angry.

In the midst of all this silent’s stood a young girl

And what's the story with the title( She is god.. how can i make it better it getting worst and am breaking it) ? I can't make sense of it.

It needs a lot of work - maybe just read over it and fix up the mistakes and format it a little bit better?

pickarooney

Threads merged. OP, you've posted versions of this three or four times previously but as yet haven't responded to any of the feedback given you.