visitation rights

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
I am a single dad to a beautiful little girl, up until recently i have had her every weekend and for nearly every holiday. Unfortunately now her mam has decided that the child is to remain with her and i can only visit her in the house she lives with her mum. I am registered on her birth cert and pay my maintanence every week but thats as far as it goes. I am reluctant to visit my daughter in her mums house for a few reasons. 1..we dont get on very well and i dont want to argue with her mum in front of the child. 2...she claims my daughter has said a member of my family whom i live with has been playin games with the chid and telling her not to talk about them,, i can only presume she means that the child is been abused which i know has not happened... 3.. if she is capable of the above accusation she might accuse me of something if i visit my child in her house.
where can i go from here.
a very heart broken dad

metrovelvet

singledad83 wrote: »

Hi everyone,
I am a single dad to a beautiful little girl, up until recently i have had her every weekend and for nearly every holiday. Unfortunately now her mam has decided that the child is to remain with her and i can only visit her in the house she lives with her mum. I am registered on her birth cert and pay my maintanence every week but thats as far as it goes. I am reluctant to visit my daughter in her mums house for a few reasons. 1..we dont get on very well and i dont want to argue with her mum in front of the child. 2...she claims my daughter has said a member of my family whom i live with has been playin games with the chid and telling her not to talk about them,, i can only presume she means that the child is been abused which i know has not happened... 3.. if she is capable of the above accusation she might accuse me of something if i visit my child in her house.
where can i go from here.
a very heart broken dad

Obviously your daughter did not say it was you or you wouldnt be allowed in their home.

Are you concerned over this allegation and the safety of your daughter? How are you certain it hasn't happenned? Why would your ex or you daughter fabricate such an accusation? Do you think criminal charges will be pursued?

Would you not accept seeing your daugher in her home since she does not feel safe in yours until things are more known for certain?

Maddison

Hi Single Dad,

Reading your post I feel very sad for you. If your ex felt that the child was being abused would she not think of going to the gardai about it. I feel that maybe she might possibly be jealous of your relationship with your daughter & wants to keep you in sight at all times. I personally would tell her that you are going to social services with regards to her allegations as they are very serious & If they are found to be lies I would have her in court. I am separated from the father of my child & my son stays mostly with his dad due to my working hours. I would never keep my son from his father unless I felt that there was an actual reason to do so i.e. the father was unfit or a danger to the child.
I would not sit back and allow allegations like that to be thrown around. Im sure that you yourself would never allow anyone to harm your child so Id look a lot further into this & contact the authorities yourself.

I hope things work out ok for you & your daughter

LegacyUser

no, i am not concerned about these accusations, as i am 100% sure that they didnt happen. Firstly the child was always in the company of more than one adult and never left alone with the person in question. Secondly if something untowards was going on why would the child cry when she had to leave my home. I honestly dont doubt my childs safety with this person and all i can think is that my ex is jealous of the child wanting to spend more time with me than with her.
I dont know where this will lead as it is supposidly been investigated by the social. no one will tell me anythin.
my ex and i have had a problem with visitation before, when she stopped my daughter from visiting me over nothing. I am scared to visit my girl n her mothers home incase she accuses me of somethin. Also these visits would be for a short time, how do i explian to akid that she cant come home with me? it would be emotionally very hard on the kid and me.

Sleepy

Sounds like court is your only option tbh. Get your access schedule set officially.

Have you talked to your daughter about this? It could be something as simple as the person in question gave her sweets before her dinner as "their little secret" or let her play a computer game that the rest of the family might not consider appropriate for a child her age.

metrovelvet

Sleepy wrote: »

Sounds like court is your only option tbh. Get your access schedule set officially.

Have you talked to your daughter about this? It could be something as simple as the person in question gave her sweets before her dinner as "their little secret" or let her play a computer game that the rest of the family might not consider appropriate for a child her age.

You can go that road but this accusation will be on the record and pysch evaluations will probably be applied to your daughter, and mud sticks.

rolly1

You need to take concrete steps to avoid you and your daughter getting further messed around. Because of the extremely serious nature of the allegation made against a member of your family you will need to contact the local child protection unit from the map here:

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/maps/

Find out whether an incident has actually been reported; it could be all fabricated. It could also be the case that she has alleged some incident to child protection services(cps), you need to find out either way. If as you say you are sure that these are malicious lies, then you need to press ahead very promptly with court ordered access. If the cps have something on this, which may just mean malicious lies from the mother, it could cause a significant delay in getting proper access re-established; unless you use court to bring it swiftly to a head.

1. Write to the mother's child a polite letter setting out what you want in terms of contact with your child at your house. Keep a copy of the letter.
2. In the meantime contact a solicitor and seek immediate legal advice- see here for useful questions to think of: http://www.amen.ie/Downloads/when_employing_a_solicitor.pdf
3. If there is a negative response from the mother to the letter apply immediately for court access.
4. After access has been sorted out get guardianship as well follow the steps set out here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056070207

Don't get caught up on the mother or her motivation; keep focused on solidfying proper access for your daughter. Don't fear court, fear delay.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for all your replies.
I have gone to cps once and they didnt tell me anything, but they told my ex all i said. It seems very unfair that i am seen as nothing only a sperm donor.
as far as i know cps are going to do some play/talk sessions with the child and its supposidly going to take weeks to finish. I havent spoken to my girl but i am very confident that its just lies that have been started. i agree that mud sticks and these accusations will always be on record and i know that she will use this to her benefit every time. i feel very let down by the whole situation and am going to see cps again this week to see if they will tell me anythin. personally i think i would be better off banging my head off a brick wall :-(

rolly1

Singledad83 you need to get legal advice immediately. You are not being recognised by cps because you are not a legal guardian of your child.

You also need to sort access through court asap to put pressure on cps to get this sorted promptly, otherwise they will let it drag on for months, all the while leaving you and your daughter in the lurch in terms of proper access.
You also need to get legal guardianship sorted out in order to have a legal tie that will be recognised by cps; yes its insane but thats the way it is.

If money is an issue you may be entitled to free legal aid see here:

http://www.flac.ie/

CK2010

i dont have any advice really, only the same as others have said- get legal advice.

and maybe dont make any accusations (towards mum or child) of lying or get heated etc. because at the end of the day you'll only end up being the bad guy.

try stay calm and show you understand that your ex is trying to care for your daughter as best she can (even if you dont necessarily agree). i dont mean that you should bow down to her or anything of the sort but just try stay civil, if things go sour it can really only tear your daughter away further.

just wanted to say i hope you get it sorted soon. best of luck. must be a horrible time for all in the family

Dali art

I personally wouldn't go down the road of legal advice yet. I'm not saying never do.
Suck it up for a while and prove you are the better man. Go and spend whatever time you can with your daughter for now and be the bigger person. Don't give them anything to moan about and prove to them how good a father you really are.
Also if possible try and get a place of your own to bring your daughter. I know this may not be possible at this time.
Forget about focusing about what your ex may or may not do and focus all your energy in your daughter. Its not ideal but its exactly what i'd do.
Keep a diary too.
We rightfully assume you are telling the truth so it may be that your ex is looking for a reaction from you. Don't give it to her. Show her you are above that and all you want is to be a good dad and if she doesn't come round to that you were never gonna do the right thing in her eyes anyway

wolfpawnat

OP she is your daughter too, and if mummy is getting financial aid off you she should be happy with her lot. If there was question of sexual or physical abuse she would not be allowing you near your child at all.

Get to a solicitor. Yes it may mean court and ugly words, but a child is worth more than that! A father interested in their child is a good thing, and should be encouraged!

You sound like a good dad. Your daughter should be proud!:)

Nevyn

I would suggest getting legal advice asap, you don't know what the window of time are for lodging an objection or getting a injunction to be copied on the findings of the investigation. Get advice and see what your options and that way you know what they are rahter then finding out later there were thing you could of done but the time lapsed.

wolfpawnat

metrovelvet wrote: »

Obviously your daughter did not say it was you or you wouldnt be allowed in their home.

Are you concerned over this allegation and the safety of your daughter? How are you certain it hasn't happenned? Why would your ex or you daughter fabricate such an accusation? Do you think criminal charges will be pursued?

Would you not accept seeing your daugher in her home since she does not feel safe in yours until things are more known for certain?

Sadly Metrovelvet, there are more than enough women who would do this. It tars the dad/man for life!

I have seen something like it before. A man saying something to the mother because he is friends with the father, she b!tching him and the friend defending him. Then the woman dragging the friends name through the mud!

Dali art

OP i don't think you should do anything to inflame your situation. Sit down properly and talk to her. Insist you have a good chat about what is best.
Don't make things harder.

Sleepy

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Sadly Metrovelvet, there are more than enough women who would do this. It tars the dad/man for life!

I have seen something like it before. A man saying something to the mother because he is friends with the father, she b!tching him and the friend defending him. Then the woman dragging the friends name through the mud!

I've see it too metrovelvet. Only reason the guy I knew it happen to managed to clear his name was because the mother (literally) threw a tantrum in court and the judge was able to see her for the delusional bitch she was.

Of course, this being Ireland, she was still given custody but at least her histrionics led to my friend getting regular access to his son.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies, as i suspected she has made the complaint and now its basically a waiting game for everyone involved, the cps hasnt even started investigation these accussations but i did meet with them and they have told me they are meeting next week to discuss where it goes from here, i do knowthat a letter with this accussation has been sent to the guards and now i have no idea what to expect. some people have told me it can take years to access as the cps are very slow. i am heartbroken that such lies has been spread, i know some of you may think that i am been too confident that these accussations are false but i know they are, i can swear that my child was never abused by anyone in my house. i feel so useless watching my family suffer. does anyone know how these cases are dealt with?

amiable

singledad83 wrote: »

thanks for all your replies, as i suspected she has made the complaint and now its basically a waiting game for everyone involved, the cps hasnt even started investigation these accussations but i did meet with them and they have told me they are meeting next week to discuss where it goes from here, i do knowthat a letter with this accussation has been sent to the guards and now i have no idea what to expect. some people have told me it can take years to access as the cps are very slow. i am heartbroken that such lies has been spread, i know some of you may think that i am been too confident that these accussations are false but i know they are, i can swear that my child was never abused by anyone in my house. i feel so useless watching my family suffer. does anyone know how these cases are dealt with?

I personally don't know enough to tell you how this will be dealt with but the only bit of comfort i can offer you is that if these accusations are false they'll be dealt with properly and you should be able to resume normalities. Keep the head up and don't do anything silly. Let the authorities get on with it and all should work out. They have to take every report seriously

amiable

Just a thought of my own and that is surely the people who knowingly make false accusations are doing so much harm its almost as bad as the abuse itself because its using it such valuable resource time for the authorities. It doesn't help any side of the arguement

SVI40

If an official accusation has been made to the HSE, there are two investigations. One by the HSE, the other by the Gardai. The HSE normally engage (in Dublin) St. Louisas unit in Crumlin Childrens Hospital, to carry out their investigation. These are a very professional unit, and extremely good at what they do. They are also very aware that there are false accusations made, as any family law solicitor will tell you. Unfortunately in situations like yours, parents may not always put the best interests of the children first.

The second investigation is by the Gardai. This is carried our by specially trained Gardai, who again, are very good at what they do. False allegations are found to be that, false.

All parties involved are usually interviewed, by both investigation teams,

Unfortunately, all this can take time. Keep your spirits up, and the truth will come out.

One thing you do need to do is to ensure you have guardianship of your child. If the mother does not conscent, they you must do it through the courts. Never a plesant experience, but a necessary one.

LegacyUser

Thanks again, an official complaint has been made and as u have said it takes time, i am trying to stay strong, the only thing that is helping me now is that the truth has to come out. unfortunately rather than just get at me, my ex is dragging my whole family down, people who have never been in trouble with the guards may now be interviewed by the guards for false accussations, it tears my heart out that she has done this to my family.