Fed Up

Mammyof2

The agency have got in touch with DH's Mother a couple of months ago, she said she had a lot going on in her life at the moment and it was a huge surprise and she would have to think about it. Nothing since!!

How can it be a huge surprise, do you never think about that son you had 30 odd years ago??

He is all over the place and I feel so sorry for him, apparently she has had more children but we dont know anything about them.

Sorry for the rant I am just so upset for him.


An upset wife!!

MaryMagdalene

Oh dear but give her time. I know it may sound strange but you are never prepared for it.

How could you be, you were never given hope and to hope in vain would kill you. Therefore you lived your life in denial.

I do hope she gets the courage to make contact and will bump an article by Carole Anderson that may help in some way to explain far better than I can.

I'm sorry that I can't really be of any help.

Mammyof2

Hopefully she does, thanks very much for bumping the article

January

MaryMagdalene wrote: »

Oh dear but give her time. I know it may sound strange but you are never prepared for it.

How could you be, you were never given hope and to hope in vain would kill you. Therefore you lived your life in denial.

I do hope she gets the courage to make contact and will bump an article by Carole Anderson that may help in some way to explain far better than I can.

I'm sorry that I can't really be of any help.

Or maybe she was just never expecting them to come looking and has not prepared herself or any other children she has had for it. Not all birth mothers desperately seek to find the son/daughter that they gae up, unfortunately.

My partners mother has been contacted a few times now also and has always said she wasn't interested in meeting him or his bio sister that she gave up a few years before him and she has more children too.

neelyohara

I'd try my best to avoid the negative thoughts.

God only knows what she went through prior to his adoption. My grandmother gave my mum up for adoption and two years later she was married with a child. You would assume that she was heartless. I mean, looking at the dates involved she was nursing one child while signing away another.

When you delve deeper into it you find a woman who was pregnant when she got married, who didn't know if her husband to be was even going to turn up to the alter and that the child she gave up was to the love of her life. Then you read the horrific letters sent by St Patricks to my grandmother threatening to drop my mother off on her doorstep if she failed to pay for her 'keep'. (She was a stay at home mother at that stage with a young baby who was trying to siphon off the 'keep' of a child in foster care and she knew, later confirmed my my uncle - her son - that if her husband found out he would have walked out).

I imagine she was definitely surprised by the news that he had found her. She may have repressed the entire adoption just to get on with her life or she was assured that her details were private.

I would really, really try not to judge her. You don't know the whole story and I image your feelings are coming from both being a mother yourself and from seeing the distress that this is causing your husband.

I'd suggest contacting the agency again. Rather than have a face to face meeting perhaps they could exchange letters without identifying details, etc.

I know you are angry and your husband is no doubt emotional about it but try to remain supportive and positive about it.

The best of luck - I hope she comes through for him

meg3178

Mammyof2 wrote: »

The agency have got in touch with DH's Mother a couple of months ago, she said she had a lot going on in her life at the moment and it was a huge surprise and she would have to think about it. Nothing since!!

How can it be a huge surprise, do you never think about that son you had 30 odd years ago??

He is all over the place and I feel so sorry for him, apparently she has had more children but we dont know anything about them.

Sorry for the rant I am just so upset for him.


An upset wife!!

I am so sorry your husband has been left in 'limbo' and the frustration you feel being unable to know what to do for the best.
If you discussed the possibility of you writing a letter to his birth mother via the agency, would your husband agree to this? Sometimes this kind of distance can be better, as at the moment all her memories, heartache and uncertainty are running through her. Reassurance from you that your husband doesn't blame her can go a long way and it may be easier for you to meet her, before she meets your husband. This does not mean that she is rejecting him, she is afraid and afraid on so many levels, that she will not be able to live up to his expectations (Even though he may not have any), that if she hasn't told her family how they will react, etc.
I do sympathise with your husband, because he may think he is being rejected a second time. My own father was born in St Anne's, Roscrea and he couldn't really come to terms with why his birth mother couldn't bring him up and the stigma surrounding it. It wasn't until we researched the things that went on there, that he was able to understand that it wasn't him, it was the circumstances the young women lived in and endured that they wanted to block out.
Your husband's birth mother would have been endlessly told to forget about 'that time' and move on with their lives, there was no counselling etc.

You can pm me if you wish and if I can help, I will. best wishes.

CathyMoran

I do get upset for my husband too - I know that he would love to hear from hear from her (she has not been in contact in months) and it does really upset me. I do sympathise with her too though as it must have been incredibly difficult giving up her son. All that we can do is support our loves ones.