When do you just give up???

carolinespring

Ok, long story short. With my amazing husband 11 years, married 6 years. He is in his 40s and I will be 37 this year. We have a perfect marrage, very close, love each other to bit, never run out of things to talk about, he makes me laugh so mmuch and still fancy the pants of him!!! We just love spending every second we can together. Both of us have close friends as well. My best girl friend since I was 3.

Anyway. We have wanted kids from early on when we met. Started trying about a year before we got married and I fell 1st month. Delighted but lost the baby at 9 weeks. Upset but picked ourself up and decided to wait until after the wedding. Again 1st month trying and fell again, same story and was in bits. After the 3rd miss our GP sent us to a consultant for tests. All came back fine, no reason. This cycle has happened so many time that I have lost count and has left me broken. It just seems to be put down to one of those things, no reason why it happens and no reason why I should not go full term. The last miss I had was on new years day 2009. At that stage I just could not take anymore. The heartbreak was to much so after talking with our doctor we decided it was best for us to take a break and that what we have done. We went back and spoke to out consultant in sept and again he re-ran all the tests and no reason why I should not carry full term but again no reason why I keep losing. So my question is when do you just give up or do you keep trying.

My husband is fully with me on this and we both so want a baby of our own but I dont know if I can get over another loss. The last one really did take it out of me so much. I was totally broken and so was my husband. The break from trying has being great and I have lost over 4 stone during that time and feel good about myself. It has also taken so much out of my husband and he is fantastic with me.

we both go green with envy everytime a friend is expecting or has a baby. I am always really happy for them but cant help feel sad that its not us.

We had only told 2 very close friends any of this and have not told our family. We really are happier to keep it to ourself. Both friends are a great support and we DO NOT feel the need to tell others but we get a lot of when are you guys going to have a child from other frends and we always reply, Oh, lots of time, we will get round to it.

Anyway it is not medical advice I am looking for but have any of you experienced this and what was the outcome. How did you cope and what made you go on, what age were you? Also if you where in our shoes what would you do. To be honest its the personal stories I am interested in hearing and I am feeling that time is running out. Yes, we have looked at other ways to become parents but are not ready to give up on this yet.

I just feel so sad as I type.

Thank you for reading and I look forward to reading your reply

crazy cat lady

Caroline I am so sorry to hear your story and I feel your pain. Its been nearly 2 years since my first mc and some days the feelings can still be very raw. I did conceive again and now have a little girl, but I have since had another mc 7 weeks ago which fortunately has been easier to deal with.

You must be a very strong person to keep picking yourself up and trying again, and please don't let your experiences defeat you. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your husband and everyone around you, which is the perfect environment to bring a child into. Don't give up. You'll always wonder 'what if' if you give up now.

Is there a certain point in the pregnancy that they have usually ended. I'm not advising you but I have heard of women taking aspirin for recurrent miscarriages as the viscosity of your blood does change during pregnancy and sometimes it is too thick for the placenta to take when it takes over as the life support for the baby at between 9-12 weeks. Maybe you could talk to your GP about this, or about at least being monitored during the early stages of your next pregnancy should you decide to try again.

I'm sure losing weight will be of benefit to you, and being in a positive frame of mind will help.

Also, would you consider acupuncture? My friend swears by it. After a couple of miscarriages she was having trouble concieveing again. She started acupunture and within a few weeks was pregnant again and is now due in January. She had it for a few weeks into her pregnancy too and says that she could feel the needles releasing trapped positive energy. It can do no harm anyway!

I really hope things work out for you, it sounds like you deserve a break at this stage!

Good luck

carolinespring

crazy cat lady wrote: »

Caroline I am so sorry to hear your story and I feel your pain. Its been nearly 2 years since my first mc and some days the feelings can still be very raw. I did conceive again and now have a little girl, but I have since had another mc 7 weeks ago which fortunately has been easier to deal with.

You must be a very strong person to keep picking yourself up and trying again, and please don't let your experiences defeat you. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your husband and everyone around you, which is the perfect environment to bring a child into. Don't give up. You'll always wonder 'what if' if you give up now.

Is there a certain point in the pregnancy that they have usually ended. I'm not advising you but I have heard of women taking aspirin for recurrent miscarriages as the viscosity of your blood does change during pregnancy and sometimes it is too thick for the placenta to take when it takes over as the life support for the baby at between 9-12 weeks. Maybe you could talk to your GP about this, or about at least being monitored during the early stages of your next pregnancy should you decide to try again.

I'm sure losing weight will be of benefit to you, and being in a positive frame of mind will help.

Also, would you consider acupuncture? My friend swears by it. After a couple of miscarriages she was having trouble concieveing again. She started acupunture and within a few weeks was pregnant again and is now due in January. She had it for a few weeks into her pregnancy too and says that she could feel the needles releasing trapped positive energy. It can do no harm anyway!

I really hope things work out for you, it sounds like you deserve a break at this stage!

Good luck

Thank you so much for your reply. I am crying my eyes out reading it but in a good way if you know what I mean.

I have miscarried at different stages for 4 weks to 14.5 weeks. I have tried acupunture before. The maddening thing is it is easy for me to fall. Each time on the first month. I will talk to the consultant about the asprin.

I just so want a baby and want my husband ti be a dad as he would be amazing. I find I am getting very stressed as we have to decide if we will go again. I just dont kow if I can survive another loss. I am not sure how much more of me I can lose. The funny thing is before I met my husband I really didnt want kids but it was I had not met the perfect man to have them with amd now ts so bloody hard to have one.

CathyMoran

Huge hugs to you. I experienced multiple miscarriages (6) before having my son. People thought that we were mad to carry on but when they saw our son they all bonded with him. The pregnancy with my son was scary and we are pregnant again and I am petrified again as it is coming up to the time when we lost our eldest unborn child. For me I continued going until we had a child, to say that it has been an emotionally draining journey for my husband and I is an understatment but we are lucky to be really close (soulmates), like your husband and you are. I would say to not give up but also look at adoption/fostering at this stage. We would have loved to adopt but would fail on medical grounds. My heart goes out to you and am crying as I write this post. I subsequently looked up our chances of having our son in the first place, the odds were very low, about the same as the chances that I would still be alive. Stuborness helps.

LegacyUser

OMG!

I thought initially you were writing about me!

We haven't suffered the miscarriages...alas, due to health problems we haven't even tried to conceive.

And here we are, I'm also 37, and hubby is in his 40's....and shortly we should get the green light that the most major health problem is now behind us, and everything is now as good as its going to get, health wise.

But I'm wondering, at 37, if its even worth trying...should I go in to it knowing that it probably won't happen now at my age...or just forget the whole idea, and start coming to terms with the fact that we'll never have children, i.e realistically, should I just give up trying before we even think about starting.

magentas

Hi Caroline,

I'm not normally on this forum and not a parent myself but was just looking as our friends just had a baby and it is a very short verson of their story that I want to tell you
I don't even know all the ins and outs TBH but basically it's two couples that were struggling for years.

1st couple married 5years ago and I know that they've been trying for at least 4or5years, had loads of tests done etc.
both appeared healthy and they didn't know what or why they couldn't get pregnant...they announced during the summer that she was due on 8th Jan...baby arrived last week!
tiny little thing less than 3lbs but they are over the moon

2nd couple together 13 years married 10years and they had been desperately trying since they got married. The nicest couple you would ever meet and it was heart-breaking that they couldn't have kids because they so deserved them. People always slagging them "when are ye going to pop out a few babies" which is so hurtful and upsetting to someone going through that, people don't think and it's so insensitive
they are godparents to 8kids because people felt sorry for them and kept asking them to stand for their kids (cos they don't have their own)
It's a nice gesture but got insulting after so many for them

Often they would go away on holiday which was really to specialist fertility clinics abroad. They never gave up hope.

They had a beautiful healthy baby girl yesterday.

I can't offer any medical advice and I don't know why these wonderful people had such difficulty. They don't know themselves.

What I do know and I guess what I'm trying to convey to you is...to quote a saying I love
"Don't lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out":)

Best of luck to you

crazy cat lady

me too wrote: »

OMG!

I thought initially you were writing about me!

We haven't suffered the miscarriages...alas, due to health problems we haven't even tried to conceive.

And here we are, I'm also 37, and hubby is in his 40's....and shortly we should get the green light that the most major health problem is now behind us, and everything is now as good as its going to get, health wise.

But I'm wondering, at 37, if its even worth trying...should I go in to it knowing that it probably won't happen now at my age...or just forget the whole idea, and start coming to terms with the fact that we'll never have children, i.e realistically, should I just give up trying before we even think about starting.

I delivered a beautiful healthy little girl, first baby, to a 45 year old woman once. Its never too late to start trying if becoming a mother is what you want. You'll regret it in the long run if you disregard it because of your age. Yes it may be harder to conceive and yes the risks are higher, but the rewards of having a child are second to none. Its amazing!

carolinespring

I feel it would be easier if I could not fall but I always do first month. Then I could try IVU etc. I just cant hold on to the baby.

Has anyone any experence of this?

CathyMoran

I was the same - my child that died in Jan 09 just did not grow and then the others were "chemical" pregnancies (early miscarriages). With my son we found out about the pregnancy at 3 weeks (I had to go to the dentist and needed to know) so was given progesterone from 4 weeks and am taking it again with this pregnancy. I do not know if it actually helped us but it was a reassurance.

Cat Melodeon

I'm so sad for you OP. This isn't my story, but it is a close friend's. She's married, in a good job, never thought much about getting pregnant until she was in her early thirties, is now 41. Her relationship with her husband (also 40) is a good one, he is totally on board, although she always feels that it's more her journey than his. I guess that's just because it's her body that she feels is betraying them. He tries to reassure her that he certainly doesn't feel that way. He's told me that he's sometimes afraid she's only still trying because of him. He would love to have kids, but her well-being is more important to him. They haven't told many people, just her sister, their mothers, me and one other friend. Our wider circle of friends think it's her career that's stopping them, but she'd walk away from it in a heartbeat if she could just stay pregnant.

Anyway, they've had 8 miscarriages. She has carried from as far as 6 weeks to 12 weeks, and once as far as 17 weeks. That one was the worst, she was sure it was a keeper and had felt movement. It wrecks her and I don't think I could keep going in her situation. But she doesn't give up. It has made their relationship stronger, they have been very careful not to become all about conception and babies - they try to have 'normal life' too as much as they can. She has set herself a limit of 45 - the age one of her aunts finally got pregnant and gave birth - but since she turned 40 they have also been investigating adoption and will probably go down that route soon. She would like to have a load of kids, but that isn't going to happen, so if she adopts and then has a successful pregnancy, bonus.

If you have the strength OP, stay going. You only regret the things you don't do. Get some help if you can, there are counsellors who can help. Take care of your body, try some alternative therapies. But don't rule out stopping either. Look at adoption. Look to yourself and your husband. Would life be better if you stopped trying, stopped putting yourself through the heartache? Or would each month bring it's own tragedy as you are reminded of what you don't have? Only you can know.

crazy cat lady

carolinespring wrote: »

I feel it would be easier if I could not fall but I always do first month. Then I could try IVU etc. I just cant hold on to the baby.

Has anyone any experence of this?

Both of the pregnancies that I miscarried I had conceived the first month of trying. It took 3 cycles with my daughter to get pregnant and thank god she stuck.

I really think you need to talk to your GP and ask to at least try something if and when you get pregnant again. Have you had any investigations into your hormone levels at different times in your cycle when you are not pregnant? Maybe if there is a deficiency somewhere it might be a clue as to why your pregnancies are not working out.

Also, would you consider going to the UK for tests? There is a brilliant recurrent miscarriage centre in London somewhere (I can't remember exactly where) but they may be able to help

carolinespring

crazy cat lady wrote: »

Both of the pregnancies that I miscarried I had conceived the first month of trying. It took 3 cycles with my daughter to get pregnant and thank god she stuck.

I really think you need to talk to your GP and ask to at least try something if and when you get pregnant again. Have you had any investigations into your hormone levels at different times in your cycle when you are not pregnant? Maybe if there is a deficiency somewhere it might be a clue as to why your pregnancies are not working out.

Also, would you consider going to the UK for tests? There is a brilliant recurrent miscarriage centre in London somewhere (I can't remember exactly where) but they may be able to help

Yes, I have had my hormones checked at different stages of my cycle and all fine. Will goggle the centre in London. Thanks for the tip

lonestargirl

carolinespring wrote: »

Yes, I have had my hormones checked at different stages of my cycle and all fine. Will goggle the centre in London. Thanks for the tip

I think this article may be about the clinic CCL was talking about? Good luck

crazy cat lady

Thats the one! Professor Lesley Regan has actually written a fabulous book called Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs to Know

I bought it after my first miscarriage and although it didn't answer any of the questions as to why it happened to me, it certainly helped me to realise that I was by no means alone and just how common miscarriages are and all the many reasons as to why a pregnancy doesn't always progress.

Das Kitty

This is probably a stupid question but, have you had your hormone levels tested while you were pregnant? Sometimes a hormonal problem cannot be seen unless you are.

I'd also say to go to another consultant for a second or third opinion.

Firefly12

Hi Caroline

At the end of the day it's a decision you and your (fabulous!) husband have to take. But you don't have to decide right now. The positive stories from everyone are great and I agree you wouldn't want to have any regrets about stopping. But I do know how you feel.

It's relatively early days for me and my husband. My heart is broken from the last two years of trying. Sometimes I feel so sad and miserable and scared about the years ahead. I'm young enough but not sure I want to spend the next decade in this pain. There is a point when people say enough is enough and try to move on. We're definitely going to keep trying for another few years but I do hope that if it doesn't happen we will find the strength to accept it and enjoy our lives together. I do think it helps when family and friends have some idea of what you're going through - you don't have to talk about it all the time but at least it avoids some of the painful comments that hurt so much. Good luck whatever happens xxx

Eponine

Hi Caroline,
This is my first post. I had to register when I read your post.My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 4 years now and have tried everything we can think of.We've just sent off our application for adoption as I am going through an early menopause.I'm 34 my husband is 37.The reason I wanted to get in touch was to say that the Napro fertilitycare clinic(Galway and now Dublin) are fantastic at dealing with recurrent miscarriages.Two of my closest friends have gone on to have two babies each with Napro after 5 and 6 miscarriages.I also went to Napro for 1 and 1/2 years but it was unsuccessful for me but, I have never managed to get pregnant and I think their speciality is really in the area of recurrent miscarriages.I know my friends were devasted each time they lost a baby and it was truly horrendious.You and your husband sound like an amazing couple and I wish you all the luck in the world for the future.I know you said you didn't want medical advice and maybe you were already aware of Napro but, when I see my friends with their little napro miracles and how happy they are after all the years of heartache I couldn't not post. x E

carolinespring

Thank you so much for all the replys. I needed to take some time out before replying. My husband and I have had a lot of really long chats with lots and lots of tears and have decided together we are not going to try again. Not at this stage. We both feel to raw, hurt, wornout and broken.We have also chatted to our GP who feels we are doing the right thing (for now) I am 37 in a couple of weeks and we will see how we feel in the new year. As my GP said I do not have a issue falling so in that way have time on my side. So for now no plans to try again in the future. It breaks my heart to say those words but I cannot do it again.

We are going to look into adopting in the new year. We can love a child who came into our heart as much as if it came from our bodies. We will be parents in some way and that I have to hang onto. I know we will be good parents who will love a child so much and help them grow in a loving happy home. Only today 2 women told me they are expecting. One in her mid 40s and so dose not want the child. She is in bits and unsure what to do. Not lightly she will have the baby. Has booked into a clinic for next week. The other much younger but already has 3 kids and is not sure how to cope with a 4th.

While it made the longing for a child totally heartbreaking, it also made me see the pain others have in life as well. The grass is not always greener

So heres to Christmas future when its my turn to buy pretty dresses or outfits for my little one for christmas day, when I get to take my child to see Santa and put out the carrot and mince pies with the glass of brandy (yes, brandy. Santa is magic so drink driving is not a issue for him!!!) and see the wonder in my childs eyes on Christmas morning.

I know we will have a wonderful Christmas but something will be missing but hopefully one Christmas we will have it all.

So ladies, I thank each and everyone of you for the understanding and for the safe place to talk about how I feel. Now its time to go wash the tears away, reapply the make up and paint the smile on and get back to work.

Caroline xxx

CathyMoran

Can I just give you a huge virtual hug? Best wishes to you.

throwingmusic

Caroline, I felt so sorry for you reading your post, it also could have been mine, however I have never been pregnant as we discovered after 3 years of trying that it was a problem with my husband and we have no hope of ever having our own child. The only consolation I got from this was Thank God no more trying for a baby and the heartbreak every single month. We got this diagnosis a year ago and I just wanted to move on and try and enjoy life as the happy couple we are. It took a year (a terribly hard year with the usual babies being born all around you), when we both realised that we would like to adopt (we could go for sperm donor option but the price and failure rate along with other things is offputting). We attended our first meeting and our in the process of filling out our paperwork. We have been so much happier since we started on this journey. I know it's a hard one and pray it works out for us, but it can't be any worse than trying to deal with being childless and doing nothing about it. We are the same age as yourselves. I think you should start the adoption process (it takes ages anyway), and if you wanted to just see what happens along the way who knows perhaps things may even work out for you on that front but this would give you another focus so I think you are doing the right thing.

Best of luck x

magentas

carolinespring wrote: »

We are going to look into adopting in the new year. We can love a child who came into our heart as much as if it came from our bodies. We will be parents in some way and that I have to hang onto. I know we will be good parents who will love a child so much and help them grow in a loving happy home.

caroline, you sound like a lovely person and I admire your courage.
best of luck if ye go ahead with the adoption, what an amazing thing to give a child a loving family and they will make your family whole. I think you will make a wonderful mother:)

bubbaloo

Caroline,
My condolences on your loss and I honestly hope thatyou can find the strength and courage to persevere because if you can get pregnant, you are a huge part of the way to having your child (even though it doesn't feel like that).
I had 2 m/c and a large amount of surgery for endometriosis over a period of 6 years. Then I went to the Napro Clinic in Galway, (www.fertilitycare.ie) which is based on charting your cycle, cervical mucus, blood tests every month to test hormone levels etc. Dr. Phil Boyle and his team literally work miracles.
Their approach is very holistic and each client is treated as an individual - you are not "just a number" with a prescription thrown at you.
I finally became pregnant for a third time and now have a beautiful healthy little boy.
It can be a lengthy, all-consuming process that can tear you apart and test you and your relationship to it's limits, but if you can find the courage to persevere it can work.
Best of luck to you.

barbiegirl

Hi Caroline.
I've only suffered two miscarriages so can only imagine how you feel. A friend suggested I have a look at Chicago Bloods. Essentially everyone has cells called Natural Killers, they defend you against cancer etc. If for whatever reason they become over active they will attack a pregnancy. So you can become pregnant but will lose. Only SIMS in Dundrum do it I think and it is expensive €1000 but if your hormones are all good it could be worth a punt. Seemingly the treatment is steroids for three months and then success rates are excellent.
I really hope however you get there that you get to be a Mammy :-)

fattybumbum

I am so sorry I started reading this thread. It is not even relevant to me at the moment, not for a few years...
My heart goes out to you all.
One thing that struck me is that you all seem to be in wonderful relationships, and I hope that when the time comes for my boyfriend and I that we are in such a strong, loving relationship too. I hope all that you are going through does not affect what you have. Don't forget how lucky you are to have found each other.
I wish you all lots of love, luck and happiness x
N

carolinespring

Just a update. We decided not to try again and I went back on the pill just in dec. Well, life takes you by surprise and I am now 9 weeks along!!! God it came as a major shock and a lot of tears of fear, joy happinees, the lot. I am worried sick every second of every day. Everytime I have to use the bathroom is a moment of pure fear. I am so stressed out. I have spocked to my doctor and so far everything as as normal. Have a scan next week and cannot wait. Just want the next few months to go.
We have only told my best friend ( and a few boardies, just to ease my stress) and will not be telling anyone for the fore seeable future. Just want everything to go ok. My husband is much calmer about it all than I am or maybe just trying to be for me which is what I suppect.
I feel fine. No morning sickness, tireness or anything. the only thing I noticed this morning is that my work trousers feel a lot tighter this morning than on friday.
I want to get excited but am afraid to, I just dont knoe how i would cope if something goes wrong.

LegacyUser

Fantastic news - just the kind of good news a few of us lurkers here like to see!!!

Hope this is your time!!!

DetectivFoxtrot

Big congrats to you!

I know exactly how you feel. After 22 months I am finally 6 weeks preg. Cannot stop stressing about everything and anything. Constantly checking when I go to the loo (I have some brown spotting at the moment) and freaking out, and like you have only told two people (my mam and a work colleague) so have no one to stress with! thank god for message boards. When are you due?

Neyite

Caroline,

I am so, so happy for you, you and your husband have been through so much to get to this point, and wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

carolinespring

Thank you so much for the good wishes. i really hope this is our time but how do you cope with the stress of each day.

Due mid oct.

bubbaloo

So delighted for you.
Have a happy healthy pregnancy! After your scan you will relax and enjoy it more. Best of luck.

Lucyfur

What a lovely thread to read:) Wishing you all the best Caroline:)