Any advice from other single parents?

calibelle

Hi all!
I've been reading posts for a while and decided to register this evening/morning!

Wondering if anyone can help me here....

My daughter is 11 and her father has had no interest in her (despite me trying to contact him repeatedly) since she was 1, he's recently got in touch with us and wants to build a relationship with our daughter, when I asked him why now he said it was because he is married now with 2 other children and it made him realise what he's been missing!!

So, while I'm delighted for my little one I'm very nervous that he could do the same thing again and walk away - only this time she is old enough to understand and feel the pain of his rejection. I have a good reason for thinking this as in the month he has been in touch with her on 4 or 5 occasions he has said he'd call her and hasnt done so and seems to think its acceptable. He wants to come and see her but I really feel that he needs to prove his reliability before the relationship between them grows stronger.

I want to make sure he stays around for her but I need to ensure she sees him as a stable, good influence as she's already disappointed by his behavior over the last month, but at the same time I don't want to push him away and be blamed for the contact breaking. Anything I have said to him - need to establish ground rules, contact times etc - has been brushed off or ignored so I'm kinda at a loss here!!

So any advice would be appreciated!

metrovelvet

Comminucate with him with your child as the focus. "It is in __________'s best interest that contact is regular and stable....". "It is best for ___________ if x, y and z is in place". ...That kind of thing.

Focus everything in on your child's feelings and best interests. Bring the attention to the child.

Its a big step for all of you and its normal for everyone to be a little scared and needing of reassurance. Neither of you really know wat are you getting into especially as he has this other family. [Do they know about your child btw?]

Ellian

I'll state at the outset that I am not a parent at all, although my sister is a single mother, so I've had a view of a similar situation from the sidelines.

Without knowing the specifics of the situation, his initial motives seem somewhat selfish - he has realised what he is missing. Not he has realised what his daughter is missing out on by having a father in her life.

Not sure how good or bad your relationship is with your ex, but can you have a conversation with him and get him to grasp the concept that if you allow him back into your daughters life, he will have the potential to effect her either positively or negatively - that if he screws it up or is half arsed about it, then it will just hurt her emotiionally over a longer period of time, and that he must see that any caution on your part is not a chance to get a dig in at him, but rather you just trying to protect your child.

And ask him before he gets involved to really think long and hard about what is best for all concerned over the course of the next 40 years - because he should be thinking about this right up until the point where they throw the dirt over him. I would also advise him that initially his daughters reaction to him might not be all sweetness and light - he has rejected her once - if he suddenly comes back into her life, she might well be recalitrant and bolshy - in effect testing him to destruction, almost daring him to bugger off again, so he should be prepared for that (and if he does end up scarpering, you should probably prepare for some similar type of fallout directed at you - I'll test you to destruction as well)

And lastly, it goes without saying you should be prepared to explain to your daughter as best you can, that anything negative your ex does is not a reflection on her as a person.

Neither solution is going to give you 100% results, but just keep in mind what is best for your daughter and play a s**t hand as best you can. best of luck.

Nevyn

Dali art banned for 1 week.

Please remember that if you don't have anything constructive to post then don't post and always post in a civil manner.

Nevyn

I would want to know what is behind the renewed contact, yes people can change and yes he is her Bio Dad but sometimes the contact comes due to the new partner thinking
he should be in touch and he is talked into it or else he's not happy with how things are going with the children he has with his new partner and remembers" hey I have more kids then this lot, things maybe different with her".

I know it's gambling her happiness and if to goes wrong you are the one to pick up the pieces and if needs be you will be the one sorting out counselling for her.

I would suggest putting a visitation and contact plan in case with, lay out reasonable terms and conditions, find out how much time he is willing to put aside for her, ask him to be realistic and hopefully he will stick to it as much as possible.

amiable

Ellian wrote: »

I'll state at the outset that I am not a parent at all, although my sister is a single mother, so I've had a view of a similar situation from the sidelines.

Without knowing the specifics of the situation, his initial motives seem somewhat selfish - he has realised what he is missing. Not he has realised what his daughter is missing out on by having a father in her life.

Not sure how good or bad your relationship is with your ex, but can you have a conversation with him and get him to grasp the concept that if you allow him back into your daughters life, he will have the potential to effect her either positively or negatively - that if he screws it up or is half arsed about it, then it will just hurt her emotiionally over a longer period of time, and that he must see that any caution on your part is not a chance to get a dig in at him, but rather you just trying to protect your child.

And ask him before he gets involved to really think long and hard about what is best for all concerned over the course of the next 40 years - because he should be thinking about this right up until the point where they throw the dirt over him. I would also advise him that initially his daughters reaction to him might not be all sweetness and light - he has rejected her once - if he suddenly comes back into her life, she might well be recalitrant and bolshy - in effect testing him to destruction, almost daring him to bugger off again, so he should be prepared for that (and if he does end up scarpering, you should probably prepare for some similar type of fallout directed at you - I'll test you to destruction as well)

And lastly, it goes without saying you should be prepared to explain to your daughter as best you can, that anything negative your ex does is not a reflection on her as a person.

Neither solution is going to give you 100% results, but just keep in mind what is best for your daughter and play a s**t hand as best you can. best of luck.

Great advice i think.

calibelle

Thanks everyone its all good advice.

He's not going to tell me why the sudden change of heart but I'm hoping its for the good reasons! I do feel that he resents having to pay child support, and he seems to think he has the right to make demands from us because of this.

The communication between us is very hard work, he refuses to answer calls, replies to texts hours later and generally has a bad attitude towards me so I'll have to try the earlier suggestion of this is what xxx needs so lets work it out.

Bottle_of_Smoke

There's no doubt having the father in her life would be in her interest.

I have a good reason for thinking this as in the month he has been in touch with her on 4 or 5 occasions he has said he'd call her and hasnt done so and seems to think its acceptable. He wants to come and see her but I really feel that he needs to prove his reliability before the relationship between them grows stronger.

You're dead right here. I would demand a full explanation as to why he let her down and reasons why you should trust him not to in the future.

He needs to know what he's getting into. You should meet his wife and children. Your daughter can't be his shameful secret he visits at christmas to massage some of the guilt he feels over neglecting his daughter for 10 years. She has to be able to get along with her siblings and know she's as much his child as they are.

metrovelvet

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

There's no doubt having the father in her life would be in her interest.



You're dead right here. I would demand a full explanation as to why he let her down and reasons why you should trust him not to in the future.

He needs to know what he's getting into. You should meet his wife and children. Your daughter can't be his shameful secret he visits at christmas to massage some of the guilt he feels over neglecting his daughter for 10 years. She has to be able to get along with her siblings and know she's as much his child as they are.

My gut tells me he will want to do this on his terms and she will have to decide whether she can accommodate him or not. Of course there are his rights to consider so that he does not feel persecuted and she does not get accusations of denying access or obstruction.

Bottle_of_Smoke

metrovelvet wrote: »

Of course there are his rights to consider so that he does not feel persecuted and she does not get accusations of denying access or obstruction.

Would you not think 10 years of abandonment warrants a reasonable level of initial obstruction of access?

I mean I have strong opinions about the shameful way single dads are treated by the law but this isn't a case of her being a controlling bitch, he's abandoned them for 10 years

metrovelvet

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Would you not think 10 years of abandonment warrants a reasonable level of initial obstruction of access?

I mean I have strong opinions about the shameful way single dads are treated by the law but this isn't a case of her being a controlling bitch, he's abandoned them for 10 years

Of course I do. But rights are rights. That's what it means to have rights. They don't mean anything unless people who don't deserve them also get them, otherwise it's privelege. And if she cant accommodate him, he can get them and he will get them if he wants to get them.

amiable

I personally feel when you give up your child for 10 years you also give up your rights to the child unless you have some amazing reason (eg. coma)
What about the rights of the child being dumped on a whim it would seem.

K-9

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Would you not think 10 years of abandonment warrants a reasonable level of initial obstruction of access?

I mean I have strong opinions about the shameful way single dads are treated by the law but this isn't a case of her being a controlling bitch, he's abandoned them for 10 years

With rights come responsibilities. He had the right to walk away so now that he wants to get back in the child's life, he has to do that responsibly. To do that, he needs to respect the mothers wishes, the person who after all has raised the child on her own.

metrovelvet

K-9 wrote: »

With rights come responsibilities. He had the right to walk away so now that he wants to get back in the child's life, he has to do that responsibly. To do that, he needs to respect the mothers wishes, the person who after all has raised the child on her own.

I wish you were correct but you are not. There are no responsibilities built into rights even after abandonment. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying but the facts are that that is not how the law stands and his biological ilnks with the child guarantees that. His responsibilities legally are to pay maintenance and thats where it ends.

Saying that, it is not something she has to worry about right now, but his rights are to be considered even if philosphically in some people's opnions he may not deserve them.

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

I wish you were correct but you are not. There are no responsibilities built into rights even after abandonment. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying but the facts are that that is not how the law stands and his biological ilnks with the child guarantees that. His responsibilities legally are to pay maintenance and thats where it ends.

Agreed. I'm just talking about the situation as it exists now.

He has to prove himself as capable, after all the Mother isn't aware of his history. He has to play it on her terms or apply to court, where he may not get a sympathetic reception after 10 years!

amiable

metrovelvet wrote: »

I wish you were correct but you are not. There are no responsibilities built into rights even after abandonment. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying but the facts are that that is not how the law stands and his biological ilnks with the child guarantees that. His responsibilities legally are to pay maintenance and thats where it ends.

I get the feeling that you have first hand experience of this so if thats true my heart genuinely goes out to you metrovelvet.

Bottle_of_Smoke

amiable wrote: »

I personally feel when you give up your child for 10 years you also give up your rights to the child unless you have some amazing reason (eg. coma)
What about the rights of the child being dumped on a whim it would seem.

The only thing about that it is generally in the child's interest to have a relationship with the father. Even if they failed them to begin with.

Therefore I would say even if there is abandonment the father (or mother if she was the one who walked out) should be given 1 chance to prove he/she has changed

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The only thing about that it is generally in the child's interest to have a relationship with the father. Even if they failed them to begin with.

Therefore I would say even if there is abandonment the father (or mother if she was the one who walked out) should be given 1 chance to prove he/she has changed

I didn't mean to imply its 100% fathers that abandon in such cases and never women. Just this case which we are commenting on so i'm sorry if i offended.

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The only thing about that it is generally in the child's interest to have a relationship with the father. Even if they failed them to begin with.

Therefore I would say even if there is abandonment the father (or mother if she was the one who walked out) should be given 1 chance to prove he/she has changed

I personally disagree though with this.I just think that why would a child want or need a relationship with someone so selfish. Just my opinion.

Bottle_of_Smoke

amiable wrote: »

I didn't mean to imply its 100% fathers that abandon in such cases and never women. Just this case which we are commenting on so i'm sorry if i offended.

not at all. It is a thread about a guy so it was fine to talk about him being the father. Just my point there was a bit more general

amiable wrote: »

I personally disagree though with this.I just think that why would a child want or need a relationship with someone so selfish. Just my opinion.

He might have been a scared kid himself when he abandoned his family and went on to feel deep regret when he matured. Statistically children who's biological parent is absent in childhood fare much worse regarding their own relationships/lifestyle choices in the future so it is in their interest too.

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

not at all. It is a thread about a guy so it was fine to talk about him being the father. Just my point there was a bit more general



He might have been a scared kid himself when he abandoned his family and went on to feel deep regret when he matured. Statistically children who's biological parent is absent in childhood fare much worse regarding their own relationships/lifestyle choices in the future so it is in their interest too.

I still disagree. People can make statistics work in their favour.
I wonder do these statistics include parents who leave for 10years come back and maybe leave again and put the child in a worse position again?
I also wonder how after 1year he got scared and then returned? IMO it was being selfish rather than scared and i personally wouldn't want a father who's like that

metrovelvet

You have to be careful with the statistics and what they correlate with. A lot of what you read are drawn from the American urban ghetto. There are statistics which will also point to the education level of the mother or custodial parent bearing a greater influence over the destiny of the child than an absent parent.

While it is preferable for the child to have a relationship with both parents, it may never be possible to have a true parent/child relationship once the formative years have passed. However, and despite this, it might be beneficial for the child to at least know who their parent is to give him or her a sense of continuity and identity, even if the time to form a parent/child bond has long since passed. Chances are if it doesn't happen in the first three years, it wont happen. They might have a friendly, cordial relationship but that will be it.

In my opinion, and many would disagree, there is a limited price one should pay for this knowledge, and that price certainly does not include a repeated series of abandonments. Personally, I would prefer a child to have enough confidence to be angry with me, than one who's feelings have been so trampelled on that they don't think they can ask or demand for more, and so I would certainly, without hesitation, block any father from putzing around with a child's well being, even of it meant I was demonised by the father or even by my child.

If I were in OPs shoes I would go along with a first meeting and see if the child would like to meet his or her father and with certain absolute assurance that there are no guarantees of what will follow. At least the child then, can see what his/her parent looks like, what their energy is like, etc. See how that goes, and then take it from there but do not let this guy play the child like a yo yo. Rights or no rights.

Bottle_of_Smoke

amiable wrote: »

I still disagree. People can make statistics work in their favour.
I wonder do these statistics include parents who leave for 10years come back and maybe leave again and put the child in a worse position again?
I also wonder how after 1year he got scared and then returned? IMO it was being selfish rather than scared and i personally wouldn't want a father who's like that

I don't know if you've been in that situation yourself but even if you were you can't say every other 10 year old would want to know their father. If they have changed their ways there is no doubt whatsoever it would be in the childs benefit.

Of course it is selfish, but people change. I'd even say their selfishness made them choose the easy option over being scared. It is a risk to take of course that is why I advocate the parent who left should be given a chance to prove themselves not given a clean slate chance.

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't know if you've been in that situation yourself but even if you were you can't say every other 10 year old would want to know their father. If they have changed their ways there is no doubt whatsoever it would be in the childs benefit.

Of course it is selfish, but people change. I'd even say their selfishness made them choose the easy option over being scared. It is a risk to take of course that is why I advocate the parent who left should be given a chance to prove themselves not given a clean slate chance.

Of course there's doubt. If there wasn't the OP wouldn't have started the thread. Its your opinion. Hence we are going to have to agree to disagree i'm afraid. You are more than entitled to your opinion and i respect it. I just disagree with it and would deal with things in a different way

planetX

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't know if you've been in that situation yourself but even if you were you can't say every other 10 year old would want to know their father. If they have changed their ways there is no doubt whatsoever it would be in the childs benefit.

Of course it is selfish, but people change. I'd even say their selfishness made them choose the easy option over being scared. It is a risk to take of course that is why I advocate the parent who left should be given a chance to prove themselves not given a clean slate chance.

there is doubt. My sons father came back after nearly 8 years, and got immediate access. It has been very very hard on my son, and they have not yet got a very good relationship. My ex thought there would be an immediate blood bond without any work on his part. He has changed to some extent, but does not act like a parent. He's more like a distant uncle, and I don't know if that is ever going to change. I doubt it. Is a half-interested dad better than no dad? I'm not convinced.

metrovelvet

planetX wrote: »

there is doubt. My sons father came back after nearly 8 years, and got immediate access. It has been very very hard on my son, and they have not yet got a very good relationship. My ex thought there would be an immediate blood bond without any work on his part. He has changed to some extent, but does not act like a parent. He's more like a distant uncle, and I don't know if that is ever going to change. I doubt it. Is a half-interested dad better than no dad? I'm not convinced.

Im not convinced either. And its too late for it to change after eight years so the expectation for it to be anything other than a distant uncle type of relationship is misguided.

amiable

metrovelvet wrote: »

Im not convinced either. And its too late for it to change after eight years so the expectation for it to be anything other than a distant uncle type of relationship is misguided.

Not to mention it could undermine the parent who's been at home with the child all the years

Nevyn

While it may be a difficult adjustment I honestly think it is better for the child, as they hit adolescence and start thinking about who they are and where they come from they do a lot of self searching about their identity and who their parents are is a big part of that and if they don't know anything about the non custodial parent or feel that they have been kept from knowing them it doesn't' tend to go well.

While at 10 a lot of the parental bonding has happened that doesn't mean there is not room for the no custodial parent in a child's life, yes the bond will be different but that doesnt make it lesser or not of any worth.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

While it may be a difficult adjustment I honestly think it is better for the child, as they hit adolescence and start thinking about who they are and where they come from they do a lot of self searching about their identity and who their parents are is a big part of that and if they don't know anything about the non custodial parent or feel that they have been kept from knowing them it doesn't' tend to go well.

While at 10 a lot of the parental bonding has happened that doesn't mean there is not room for the no custodial parent in a child's life, yes the bond will be different but that doesnt make it lesser or not of any worth.

I disagree. Of course its lesser. 10 years without contact, how could the bond be as much as the other parent has?

Nevyn

I think that people will try and write of the realtionship the child may have with the other parent to justify not facilating it and out of fear that the other parent will get to be the one who is fun and cool and win affection away from the other parent, when there is always plenty of love and affection to go around.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think that people will try and write of the realtionship the child may have with the other parent to justify not facilating it and out of fear that the other parent will get to be the one who is fun and cool and win affection away from the other parent, when there is always plenty of love and affection to go around.

Its nothing to do with fear IMO. Its to do with not bothering for 10years and what seems to be the estranged parent coming back on a bit of a whim. Very selfish motives by looks of it.