Any advice from other single parents?

Nevyn

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

While it may be a difficult adjustment I honestly think it is better for the child, as they hit adolescence and start thinking about who they are and where they come from they do a lot of self searching about their identity and who their parents are is a big part of that and if they don't know anything about the non custodial parent or feel that they have been kept from knowing them it doesn't' tend to go well.

While at 10 a lot of the parental bonding has happened that doesn't mean there is not room for the no custodial parent in a child's life, yes the bond will be different but that doesnt make it lesser or not of any worth.

I half agree with you. I agree with you in theory if the parent who has returned can put in the work, and the later it gets the more work is required. I don't agree that the bond can ever be near the same as with the custodial parent but that does not mean there is no essential value in the child knowing the missing parent. On both sides, when these kinds of reunions happen there is a clash of unrealistic expectations where either the custodial or the non custodial parent expects the child to have an instant bond or even the parent to have one. Kind of ridiculous to expect that, but people do, just as new mothers, myself included, learn to their astonishment the bond is formed through A LOT of time, labour, and graft. It'snot like fairy godmother waved her magic wand and 'POOF!"

At the same time I have spoken to many adults who had the now you see me now you dont father and they ALL [not ONE exception] wished they had not come back because of all the trouble the let downs and the disappointments led to. There is a relentless pain in their store of memories.

Of course one cannot stick their head in the sand when it comes to the possibility of an abandoning parent seeking rights and whether or not they will get them or think they deserve them after a long absence followed by sporadic inconsistent visits. This of course further complicated by the OP's ex having a whole other family she may have to work at. One person at a time I guess. Its all a lot to ask from the already stretched single parent.

We cant ignore either the great gender imbalance in this either. If I abandoned my child through abortion or adoption there would be absolutely no chance of me showing my face again in the child's life or seeking rights or sending birthday cards, etc and this is all to protect both the children and the adoptive parents. The same safeguards are not in place when it's a man who walks away because they dont have the rights/obligations/duties/burdens of making the formal choices.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

True but alot of things could be said but at the end of the day this mother has devoted 11 years so far of her life to this child so people can spin it anyway they want for the estranged father but in my eyes he deserves nothing. He seemingly had his chance and didn't take it. He doesn't deserve nothing IMO

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

You can't really come out with that if you have denied the child access to yourself for ten years while simultaneously not facilitating the health and well being of your child for ten years. Nor can you complain when you ask forit to be facilitated but wont respond to phone calls to discuss boundaries and ground rules as in the case of the OP. Sorry. Doesn't fly.

calibelle

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies its really interesting to hear different points of view!
Unfortunately it doesnt seem to be going to well, my little girl is already disappointed as her father still keeps promising to call her etc and not doing it. He's still refusing to talk to me directly and every conversation is through text.
We have discussed maintenance and he said he would pay xx amount and not a penny more and delay thingd through the courts if I didnt agree and then when it came to making a FIRST payment he only gave half as he's a bit short this month!!!
For some reason he is very agressive towards me, comments like you took her away from me, refused my right to know my child etc are daily as well as swearing which I absolutely hate! When I even attempt to point out what he is doing is wrong he still ignores me! I'm starting to think he is trying to create tension between us as a reason to walk away and blame me.....he's obviously re-written the history of why he's not in contact with her!
I have tried every possible way of settling this in a civil and adult fashion - I only want what is best for my daughter and I really think that some form of relationship with her father be it once a week calls or whatever is better than nothing but I'm kinda at my wits end. I cant carry on being treated like dirt when he's not even coming through with his side....contact with our child...and he also seems to think he has some right to access while also not actually seeming to want it - for example last night she texted him to say goodnight and he didnt reply yet half an hour later he sent me a text saing if I try to f**k with him he'll drag me to court!!
I'm not being a marytr here but I have given up everything....college, good jobs and relationships to make sure I am always there for her and I just cant understand why he's being like this unless he's trying to hurt me through her but why would he want to as he's married and its ancient history!

Sorry for rambling!

amiable

calibelle wrote: »

Sorry for rambling!

By the sounds of it i think you deserve to vent or a ramble

metrovelvet

calibelle wrote: »

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies its really interesting to hear different points of view!
Unfortunately it doesnt seem to be going to well, my little girl is already disappointed as her father still keeps promising to call her etc and not doing it. He's still refusing to talk to me directly and every conversation is through text.
We have discussed maintenance and he said he would pay xx amount and not a penny more and delay thingd through the courts if I didnt agree and then when it came to making a FIRST payment he only gave half as he's a bit short this month!!!
For some reason he is very agressive towards me, comments like you took her away from me, refused my right to know my child etc are daily as well as swearing which I absolutely hate! When I even attempt to point out what he is doing is wrong he still ignores me! I'm starting to think he is trying to create tension between us as a reason to walk away and blame me.....he's obviously re-written the history of why he's not in contact with her!
I have tried every possible way of settling this in a civil and adult fashion - I only want what is best for my daughter and I really think that some form of relationship with her father be it once a week calls or whatever is better than nothing but I'm kinda at my wits end. I cant carry on being treated like dirt when he's not even coming through with his side....contact with our child...and he also seems to think he has some right to access while also not actually seeming to want it - for example last night she texted him to say goodnight and he didnt reply yet half an hour later he sent me a text saing if I try to f**k with him he'll drag me to court!!
I'm not being a marytr here but I have given up everything....college, good jobs and relationships to make sure I am always there for her and I just cant understand why he's being like this unless he's trying to hurt me through her but why would he want to as he's married and its ancient history!

Sorry for rambling!

There are any number of reasons why he would want to hurt you and I could list all the possibilities from sadism to he's taking his stress out on you to the guilt catching up with him, but ultimately it doesnt matter.

What does matter is you and your daughter's well being. He wants the access on his terms obviously.

If I were you, I would just say you are open to mediation to discuss a parenting and maintenance plan when he is ready. If he is not prepared to do that, then this could all be whimsy, like he got a notion in his head or he was just testing the waters with you and not serious about the endeavor. Dont put yourself through it.

Nevyn

Keep all the text messages and a log of all the time he was meant to be in touch or turn up and failed, make a record of them all so that if he does go to court then you can prove it.

Sounds like he knows what he missed out on with not being there for her now he has kids with his partner and is taking his negative crap out on you which is not fair.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

Keep all the text messages and a log of all the time he was meant to be in touch or turn up and failed, make a record of them all so that if he does go to court then you can prove it.

Sounds like he knows what he missed out on with not being there for her now he has kids with his partner and is taking his negative crap out on you which is not fair.

Good advice i think.

calibelle

I have sent him an email outlining what the issues are and telling him that no matter how much of a bully he wants to be its not going to be his way.

I've given him until sunday to reply, I doubt he will but I think if he really wanted to be a part of her life he'd accept it!! I'm not asking for much though my 3 "demands" were.....
Treat the child properly, call when you say you will, if you offer to buy her a present do it or explain it. Dont expect me to mop up everything!!
Treat me with decency - no swearing, agression or resentment. Be civil in communications and if I wish to talk its about the child not anything else.
Pay maintenence in full on time. Its not much and its a legal responsibility.

I told him if he doesn't come back by then I will have no option to apply for maintenance through the legal system and reminded him that they will deduct it from his wages if he messes around. I also said if he wishes to go to court for access he can but he will have to explain where he's been for the last 10 years and why he hasn't cared until now and that I will tell the court I'm happy for him to have as much contact as my daughter is happy with as long as he treats us both decently so it would be a complete waste of money!

Thats not asking a lot is it?

boatbuilder

I can see a lot of similarities in your story to the one that I have experienced.
My wife had a boy (11 year old now) from a previous relationship and the dad has been a pain in the ass since we got married 2 years ago. In my opinion, just be glad that this guy has kept his distance for 10 years. If you think this guy is bad news, in my opinion I would try to fob him off for as long as possible until your kid is a bit older and can make decisions for herself.

I can tell you confidently that it can do more harm that good to have a nasty father who causes major agro than no father. Your daughter will eventually pick up on the fact that this guy is giving you a hard time, if thats the case.

Yes its very possible, even probable that the guy is trying to get to you through her. I think its a fairly common thing with fathers who opt out of being involved in the early years and then suddenly become "interested" as the kid grows older. The truth is that its all about CONTROL. Please don't let this guy control your life through your daughter. Stand up to him and do what you think is right for your daughter, no matter about court action threats etc etc which is probably just scaremongering. We've been through this and you just have to stand up for what you believe in. Email is better than text, easier to keep a record of. Keep emails / texts impersonal and objective. Focus on facts and keep re-iterating that what you ask of him is what YOU consider to be in the best interests of your child. After all, YOU have raised her for 10 years and know whats best better than he does. And as you say, its you that will have to pick up the pieces when he messes your daughter around.

Its important to set boundaries for this guy to protect your kid from emotional hurt. He might kick and scream about it at first and threaten court action, but you need to do it.
You can't go wrong if you do everything from a child welfare point of view.

Fittle

boatbuilder wrote: »

I can see a lot of similarities in your story to the one that I have experienced.
My wife had a boy (11 year old now) from a previous relationship and the dad has been a pain in the ass since we got married 2 years ago. In my opinion, just be glad that this guy has kept his distance for 10 years. If you think this guy is bad news, in my opinion I would try to fob him off for as long as possible until your kid is a bit older and can make decisions for herself.

I can tell you confidently that it can do more harm that good to have a nasty father who causes major agro than no father. Your daughter will eventually pick up on the fact that this guy is giving you a hard time, if thats the case.

Yes its very possible, even probable that the guy is trying to get to you through her. I think its a fairly common thing with fathers who opt out of being involved in the early years and then suddenly become "interested" as the kid grows older. The truth is that its all about CONTROL. Please don't let this guy control your life through your daughter. Stand up to him and do what you think is right for your daughter, no matter about court action threats etc etc which is probably just scaremongering. We've been through this and you just have to stand up for what you believe in. Email is better than text, easier to keep a record of. Keep emails / texts impersonal and objective. Focus on facts and keep re-iterating that what you ask of him is what YOU consider to be in the best interests of your child. After all, YOU have raised her for 10 years and know whats best better than he does. And as you say, its you that will have to pick up the pieces when he messes your daughter around.

Its important to set boundaries for this guy to protect your kid from emotional hurt. He might kick and scream about it at first and threaten court action, but you need to do it.
You can't go wrong if you do everything from a child welfare point of view.

I admire your honesty here - so often some men are SO in favour of father's rights (and rightly so btw), that they fail to see what you have obviously seen happen in your step daughters life.

I agree with everything that boat builder said. After ten years, no doubt he has realised what he has missed out on, but for him to already be letting her down, does not bode well at all. I'm sure your daughter was doing just fine without him (what she never had, she's never missed) and for him to begin messing with her emotions after ten years of ignoring her, is so unfair for her and could really change the path her life will take.

Boatbuilder is also right that these threats about court etc are about control on his part - he is already trying to control the situation by using these threats on you.

I imagine, having raised her alone for ten years, you are a pretty strong woman already and have had to deal with pretty tough situations, so ignore his threats and put your daughters well being first. To be honest, if he doesn't reply to your very fair email by sunday, go straight to your local district court and get the ball rolling on court ordered maintenance. Although, my thoughts are that if he is not fulfilling this legal obligation anyway, you should have gone to court long ago.

Wishing you all the best OP.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

It depends on the level of hassle doesn't it? Facilitation is a two way street. Not much OP can do if the other parent doesn't want to be facilitated. How much crap is she expected to take?

metrovelvet

calibelle wrote: »

I have sent him an email outlining what the issues are and telling him that no matter how much of a bully he wants to be its not going to be his way.

I've given him until sunday to reply, I doubt he will but I think if he really wanted to be a part of her life he'd accept it!! I'm not asking for much though my 3 "demands" were.....
Treat the child properly, call when you say you will, if you offer to buy her a present do it or explain it. Dont expect me to mop up everything!!
Treat me with decency - no swearing, agression or resentment. Be civil in communications and if I wish to talk its about the child not anything else.
Pay maintenence in full on time. Its not much and its a legal responsibility.

I told him if he doesn't come back by then I will have no option to apply for maintenance through the legal system and reminded him that they will deduct it from his wages if he messes around. I also said if he wishes to go to court for access he can but he will have to explain where he's been for the last 10 years and why he hasn't cared until now and that I will tell the court I'm happy for him to have as much contact as my daughter is happy with as long as he treats us both decently so it would be a complete waste of money!

Thats not asking a lot is it?

Can you get by without maintenance because if you can, you should. Yes he has a responsibility to pay but for the sake of peace in your life you might want to consider letting it go for now.

He might ask for access and he would probably get it and then not use it. And then you will find yourself logging breach of access with the guards and then ending up in court again to have the access order removed or ammended.

Try to keep it all about the child. Keep the language all about the child. Remove the scent of demand from your correspondence or he will get 'scared':rolleyes: again. That is why the facilitation model wont work in this instance, because he cant work collaboratively and its evident he thinks your are trying to '**** with him' as his text threateningly put it.

Can you say that you are open to mediation or parenting counselling with him so that you can work out a way to proceed so as to benefit your daughter and so you both do this right so she does not get hurt in the process of it all? My guess is he will say no as it seems he does not want hassle. The thing is he may not be serious about this, it could have been a whim, or a moment of curiousity or pressure from his wife or whatever.

calibelle

I probably could manage without the maintenance but we'd be struggling like we have for years and considering he has a well paid job I don't see that it's fair for my daughter to go without just to stop her father from throwing a tantrum.

I actuallyforgot to mention that my ex lives in England so I would find it hard to believe that a court would give him much access considering that plus the fact he hasn't been in contact for so much of her life. I think I've been reasonable enough but as another poster pointed out it is all about control.....which is the reason we broke up in the first place!

Boatbuilder thank you for your story he sounds as nice as my ex! I hope it's been resolved for you all?

metrovelvet

Is he on the birthcert? Is there any formal documentation of his paternity?

calibelle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Is he on the birthcert? Is there any formal documentation of his paternity?

No nothing at all. He has briefly paid child support in her early life so he wouldn't attempt to question it, does it make a difference? I'm intruiged!

metrovelvet

calibelle wrote: »

No nothing at all. He has briefly paid child support in her early life so he wouldn't attempt to question it, does it make a difference? I'm intruiged!

Well it does to some and not to others and you will get different opinions on it. I think a record of paternity is important for the sake of legacy and future generations knowing who they are, where they came from and who they are related to. His other children are on record as being his children. One of the plus of a court ordered maintenance is that at least there is a record of paternity for your child and he has some chance of claiming future entitlements like inheritance or citizenships or proof to his siblings and grandparents that he is in FACT related to them.

Others might dismiss such an idea as not being important but I would steadfastly disagree with them.

Bottle_of_Smoke

calibelle wrote: »

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies its really interesting to hear different points of view!
Unfortunately it doesnt seem to be going to well, my little girl is already disappointed as her father still keeps promising to call her etc and not doing it. He's still refusing to talk to me directly and every conversation is through text.
We have discussed maintenance and he said he would pay xx amount and not a penny more and delay thingd through the courts if I didnt agree and then when it came to making a FIRST payment he only gave half as he's a bit short this month!!!
For some reason he is very agressive towards me, comments like you took her away from me, refused my right to know my child etc are daily as well as swearing which I absolutely hate! When I even attempt to point out what he is doing is wrong he still ignores me! I'm starting to think he is trying to create tension between us as a reason to walk away and blame me.....he's obviously re-written the history of why he's not in contact with her!
I have tried every possible way of settling this in a civil and adult fashion - I only want what is best for my daughter and I really think that some form of relationship with her father be it once a week calls or whatever is better than nothing but I'm kinda at my wits end. I cant carry on being treated like dirt when he's not even coming through with his side....contact with our child...and he also seems to think he has some right to access while also not actually seeming to want it - for example last night she texted him to say goodnight and he didnt reply yet half an hour later he sent me a text saing if I try to f**k with him he'll drag me to court!!
I'm not being a marytr here but I have given up everything....college, good jobs and relationships to make sure I am always there for her and I just cant understand why he's being like this unless he's trying to hurt me through her but why would he want to as he's married and its ancient history!

Sorry for rambling!

He sounds like an utter joke especially seeing as you previously tried to repeatedly contact him.

I wouldn't grow dependent on this maintennace. Have a feeling you'll be getting half amounts here and there. I'd keep anything he gives you to one side and use it for christmas presents or something, because if you got used to 50euro a week as part of your day to day spending it would hard to go without in the future

He needs to prove himself and stop behaving like some sort of martyr for giving you some measly amount.

calibelle

Yes I agree and wanted him to be on it but at the time he couldn't come and we never got around to changing it. He asked asked for it to be amended which I agreed to do if they build contact.

metrovelvet

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

He sounds like an utter joke especially seeing as you previously tried to repeatedly contact him.

I wouldn't grow dependent on this maintennace. Have a feeling you'll be getting half amounts here and there. I'd keep anything he gives you to one side and use it for christmas presents or something, because if you got used to 50euro a week as part of your day to day spending it would hard to go without in the future

He needs to prove himself and stop behaving like some sort of martyr for giving you some measly amount.

The other thing I would worry about too is if he does pay maintenance it might give him a sense of entitlement.

boatbuilder

metrovelvet wrote: »

The other thing I would worry about too is if he does pay maintenance it might give him a sense of entitlement.

A very good point. We turned down my stepson's father's offer of money (it was peanuts anyway) because we recognised that the reason he was giving it was to have CONTROL of everyone in the situation. One option would be to suggest that he open a savings account and put the money in there, so that when your child reaches college age, there is a fund there for her.

Our own situation here is ongoing, but it has been a bit easier since we stood up to him last year and called his bluff about court action. We discovered that they were just idle threats and that he knew himself that the demands he was making were not coming from the right place and were nothing but selfish.

calibelle

Regardless of if he feels a sense of entitlement or not I think it's about time he took some responsibility. As I said i don't want money for he sake of it or to prove a point i'd also like my daughter to have a positive relationship with her father so i don't think it's much to ask that he contributes towards her welfare.

I had a reply to my email from his wife....he is too busy to reply!!! Basically asking to give hm a chance and he will get better! She seems lovely but I do wonder if it's her pushing him for this relationship because his attitude is totally different.

boatbuilder

calibelle wrote: »

No nothing at all. He has briefly paid child support in her early life so he wouldn't attempt to question it, does it make a difference? I'm intruiged!

It does make a difference in terms of the control he can have over your life. If hes not on the birth cert, then he has no rights or responsibilities are far as I know. In the UK, they call it "parental responsibility" which the father can apply for in the courts. It's a complete farce to call it parental "responsibility" because all it does really is to give the fella a weapon and a leverage tool to use against you.

metrovelvet

calibelle wrote: »

Regardless of if he feels a sense of entitlement or not I think it's about time he took some responsibility. As I said i don't want money for he sake of it or to prove a point i'd also like my daughter to have a positive relationship with her father so i don't think it's much to ask that he contributes towards her welfare.

I had a reply to my email from his wife....he is too busy to reply!!! Basically asking to give hm a chance and he will get better! She seems lovely but I do wonder if it's her pushing him for this relationship because his attitude is totally different.

It can definitely influence and attitude and it makes no difference what the amount it. Even if he pays pittance he will feel like he has the right to throw his weight around and you will get twice as many obnoxious texts and emails.

It does look like its his wife but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe you can just deal with her. I know of step families where the bio mom and the step mom handle everything because the dad wont or cant or whatever.Worth thinking about.

K-9

boatbuilder wrote: »

It does make a difference in terms of the control he can have over your life. If hes not on the birth cert, then he has no rights or responsibilities are far as I know. In the UK, they call it "parental responsibility" which the father can apply for in the courts. It's a complete farce to call it parental "responsibility" because all it does really is to give the fella a weapon and a leverage tool to use against you.

Well, I think Guardianship should be automatic on signing the Birth Cert here. It could then be removed after a time period of say 6 months, if no involvement from the Dad, or indeed mother!

The current system wastes court time when about 90% of cases heard get granted.

metrovelvet

K-9 wrote: »

Well, I think Guardianship should be automatic on signing the Birth Cert here. It could then be removed after a time period of say 6 months, if no involvement from the Dad, or indeed mother!

The current system wastes court time when about 90% of cases heard get granted.

Does minimal and sporadic maintenance count as 'involvement?"

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

Does minimal and sporadic maintenance count as 'involvement?"

Maintenance is separate to access. Minimal and sporadic access I'd see as a reason to take away Guardianship.

metrovelvet

K-9 wrote: »

Maintenance is separate to access. Minimal and sporadic access I'd see as a reason to take away Guardianship.

Yes but in this case its minimal and sporadic maintenance accompanied by no access history. Is that a reason - maintenance and no access?

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes but in this case its minimal and sporadic maintenance accompanied by no access history. Is that a reason - maintenance and no access?

I would think so. How could you be a Guardian with no access? I can't imagine him having much luck applying now for it!
I'd value regular access and little or no maintenance higher!