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Things you want to say to husband/boyf/ex's/friends/family/people *MOD NOTE POST #1*
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Dear D... as soon as the boards goblins, gnomes and wizards give me teh go-ahead, tis whiskey and cake for all! .........huzzah! (10 days takes an awfully long time
....wait one blessed minute, you were to bring the jellies to tea, were you not? (patiently waiting
for magical jellies appear) 0 -
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To my counsellor:
I'm really going to miss you
at first I didn't think it was working, but you have such a good affect on me. So calming and logical. Your words last night had me floating out the door and I feel good today. I really needed to hear that and I really am so grateful that you came into my life at a time when I really needed it. I'm going to make you a nice canvas as a surprise for our last session! Will miss your calming influence.
To my Doctor:
You are one stupid b!tch.. Would love to know where you got your degree... Honestly cannot believe how wrong you were about me. It took everyone else in my life to show me and I still didn't see it. What happened on Monday was really dangerous and I could have ended up in hospital. I will definitely be coming back to tell you that what you did was dangerous, and hopefully you don't do it to someone else. Your words were actually a disgrace, only in hindsight I know now. Practically throwing tablets at me telling me that "I wont cope", that is NOT what you say to someone who is going through grief... I seriously cannot believe that I listened to you. Well now I know, and in a weird way, am glad that happened on Monday. Because now I know that I CAN cope. I don't need you to tell me different.
To my friends:
You are the best. I love you all to pieces.
To my OH
I wont apologise for my behaviour these last few months. What I'm going through is completely normal. It's a process that unfortunately has no time limit. I just have to go through it and feel what I'm feeling. Thanks for trying your best to understand. I guess we will know by the end of summer if we should commit and make the next move. I hope so. But I wont let it break me if it goes wrong. I do love you, just going through some awful emotions and second guess us every day. It's hard. But I will get there eventually, with or without you.0 -
So you want to know what feeling loved is like to me?
Remember the time I was so sick I couldn't even speak and I managed to call you and just cried down the phone, and you came over and helped me have a bath and sat with me for hours as I thrashed about in pain and slipped in and out of consciousness? Remember how you held me, fed me some soup once I was feeling up to it, tucked me into bed with a hot water bottle after changing my sheets three separate times and held your pulse against mine so that I felt calmer and could drift off to sleep?
That's the most loved I've ever felt. I haven't been that bad since, and it's well over a year ago now, but to feel loved is to know that if it happened again, I could rely on you. And apart from asking how I'm feeling, you'd never make it into a big thing or hold it over me. It's knowing that you care. It's knowing that I can give into the absolute misery of my illness in your company without you offering some asinine advice, or dismissively telling me to be positive. It's being able to be myself and not even think about it.
It's pretty much the best feeling there is. Much like you're the best person there is. 0 -
T, F, G and C,
Thank you all. I never tell any of you enough, just how grateful I am to you all.
I wouldn't be a happy, fairly mentally stable (with the help of meds!) person i am now if it weren't for your unwavering support.
You're all amazing. I love you all so much, and always will.
Thank you all for being there for me when I most needed it. x 0 -
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I guess this is kinda addressed to me, an internal monologue (or external because it's here!). I just feel like saying this somewhere.
I learned some things about my childhood earlier and a lot of things make sense, with the help of a chat from my mum. On reflection it's crazy the impact the betrayal of my best-friend at 9/10 or whatever years of age. It explains so much. And I never knew, I can't remember any of my childhood. My memories are that this was a brief friendship but it was in fact 4 years. We'd been best mates since junior infants. She was a townie but attending school in the village. Her parents separated and she moved into an estate in the village and cut the friendship with me for another girl in my class.
After the end of that friendship, I had no friends throughout primary school. I was excluded by my peers on the basis I wasn't from the village (I lived 2km outside of it). In a sense it was unintentional bullying. I didn't belong. The place still makes my skin crawl. I didn't fit the mould, I was top of the class and good at sport. I was the only girl who used to play football during break times. I think I did it just so I wouldn't be on my own and so teachers wouldn't notice. I didn't like school tours, simply because I couldn't face the fact that I'd probably be paired with someone who didn't like me.
I know it could have been worse, there was a guy from Canada in our class who got bullied a lot just because he wasn't from the area. He seemed like an alright kid but I never interacted with him. I felt sorry for him but I knew if I did I would be isolated even further. I was generally left alone.
The funny thing is I used to play ladies football for the nearest village to that one and I was also excluded from that because I wasn't from the village. They did some ****ty things. No meas. My brother had a terminal illness and this still upsets me. My bro was really sick, my mother was supposed to stay at home and care for him. I had a match and we were meeting in the square and all the cars were full so in the end my mum drove me to the match. Another time my mum agreed with another mother that she would drop me back to village from where the blitz was being held. My bro at the time was incredibly sick. Que, half time and my mum says to the woman I'm going now, will you drive Rosie home? She wouldn't, 'the cars were full.' Turns out my aunt had to drive from cork city to pick me up. (about an hours drive). The woman who was a nurse knew how sick my bro was. Enough ranting!
I've always felt very alone and mistrusting of people. I had one best mate in secondary school but that ended badly. You know, I can connect so many of my problems with this event. My mum reckons it was incredibly traumatic maybe that's why I don't remember. To the extent that I cut her out of pictures of the two of us together.
I guess one of the positives from it all is that I'm incredibly independent, resourceful and it doesn't bother me being on my own. If there's something I want to see or do, I'll go and do it. F*** it. Plus I spent a lot of time reading which I've developed a passion for.
ps thanks for listening boardsies 0 -
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D,
All I remember is kindness. When I think of you before everything unravelled, before the haze of sorrow and confusion and pain and frustration. I have so few memories. Jesus, I feel like a part of me has blocked it all out.
You were quiet and gentle and so unstoppably kind. I remember your arm around my shoulder as I sat on that bed and cried after I lost that tennis match that seemed like the most important thing in the world when I was about twelve. I remember all the giving - the clothes, the food, the money, the lunch box that time that I had forgotten mine. I remember you relentlessly defending me, always.
I see all those old photos of us, thick as thieves, best buddies. The same hair cuts, the same outfits, how we loved that...! Those big, beautiful brown eyes. The golden blonde hair. You were a vision. It's hard to think about but it's so, so important. Because here we are, fifteen years after everything changed, and half of my life has been spent grieving you although you're still physically here, and I've been so lost in that strange, inexplicable, maddening loss that I've forgotten that for the first half, you were my beautiful big sister.
And we fought like demons as sisters do We "told Mum" on each other. We black mailed each other. We looked out for each other. We loved each other.
I'm so sorry for being a bad sister. I think my struggle to understand has made me a bad daughter and a bad friend throughout all of these years too. I've used you - what happened to you - as an excuse for not getting close to anyone. I've cocooned myself, I've distanced myself, I've been flakey and often absent and ferociously, self-destructively independent and I've hurt a lot of people.
And I've forgotten about YOU in all of this. How losing your mind and slipping into mental illness meant losing out on so many counts. It meant losing your life, your independence, your happiness and your joy. Your future. You lost all of that. All you have now is your family, and I have been a terribly immature, unaccepting, selfish sister.
I've had this wonderful life full of travel and adventure and ups and downs and successes and failures that I've been able to recover from - because I have those faculties. I am so, fcuking, lucky. I'm the luckiest woman in the world. And I've been a bad sister. And I'm so, so sorry because there's just no excuse for it. Was all of this confusing and devastating and harsh and horrible for me to come to grips with? Yes. But that's no longer an excuse. Because I'm almost 30 and without my family I am, and have, nothing. You four are the making of me.
Please forgive me for all those times I was a dick. Please forgive me for using what happened to you as an excuse. Please forgive me for forgetting that you're still here.
Because this is just a new normal now. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is. And you are as kind as you always were. You give and give and give, despite having lost it all. And you deserve a better sister.0 -
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