Things you want to say to husband/boyf/ex's/friends/family/people *MOD NOTE POST #1*

itsallaboutheL

Opposite.

SarahMs

Your lying in a hospital bed now. They don't know if you will pull through. And all I can think about it how much I'm sorry. How sorry I am I never really told you how I felt and when I felt it. I let you believe that I was a slefish cow, only to save myself from believing that I was scared. Scared that I wouldn't know what to do without you because for 2 years you were my rock.

Since I got the phone call, from your best friend, who was so kind to let me know,I have been making plea bargains with God.

Please God.

Acoshla

Dear "friend",

You're pregnant, I get it, it's exciting, but you're not the first and you certainly won't be the last. Stop updating facebook every two hours with stupid cutesy statuses that nobody cares about but you. The thing is lots of my friends are pregnant but you are the only one who drones on incessantly about it, do you not bore yourself talking about one subject endlessly? The rest are perfectly capable of holding normal conversations.

Also it's really bizarre that you've been referring to the baby by it's name and posting photos of it's entire wardrobe of clothes up to 3 years of age on facebook for the last 5 months. At least wait til the kid is here before boring the world to death with such luck-pushing posts, or here's an idea, how about you don't live every aspect of your life through facebook and actually see people in real life??!!

It was lovely knowing you when you were considerate to other people and what was happening in their lives, but you have successfully pushed more than me away now that you have your family, good luck with that.

LegacyUser

Dear R,
I thought you were different. I thought you cared. I thought you were interested in me and only me. Why then, why are you blantently flirting outrageously in front of my very eyes. Do you think I'm blind? Do you think I don't care?
Seriously, I think I need to puke. Seeing the things you've said to me only hours beforehand being typed out right in front of me. It's a public website! I know we weren't in a relationship yet due to complications but there was no need for that. Do you care at all?
Well thank you, thank you for showing me who you truelly are. Thanks for showing me that you are no different to those you've previously condemned. Finally, thank you for ruining my day and possibly week before it sinks in that I'm far superior to you.
Love,
Me

allandanyways

Please, please, please stop going on about your ex, I swear to god it is the biggest turn off I've ever come across.

If you want her back, get back with her but stop this nauseating crap of mentioning her at every opportunity, talking to strangers on twitter about her, writing songs about her and THEN saying "I don't want her back, she wrecks my head!"

I'm so much better than this.

ENMcD

to anyone who cares!! im going on holiday tomorrow and im so freakin excited!!
ok bye now

Blush_01

I really, really like you.

And I'm telling you this weekend.

#Scared sh!tless.

nicechick

To all you people who have no reason to be posting depressing facebook statuses!!



You are not bad off,infact most of you are out every weekend regardless of the state of the country and recession ye consistently speak of!
I know people have left the country that is sad but all we can do is live with it and atleast try and be positive as it would impact everyone else if people could appreciate what they have more than what they havent, this is a bright way of looking at things and if everyone in a comunity atleast tried to not be so negative it wouldn be any harm and people would be more positive minded all round!
Also! be friendly, and ask 'how are you?' instead of just being full of your own self pity, yano this kind of attitude could bring ye along way from yer apparently depressed lives! If ye are that bad of please talk to someone and get help but those of you who arent and arent appreciating the good things and, small they may be,that surround them,please WAKE UP!!!!

LegacyUser

So we're almost 7 months on. still haven't forgotten about you, infact I think about you all the time! I don't know why i bother, you treated me so badly towards the end, I deserved better than that, and I know I can do better.

Well i'm heading off soon as you know, so hopefully that will be the end of my thoughts for you, and hopefully I meet a girl that is actually deserving of a decent fella, I'm pretty sure you'll keep heading down that unhappy recurring path that you've always been on, so good luck with that.

Tbh I feel sorry for you, you really need to sort yourself out, before you drag anyone else in, that you think can make you happy, in reality, your the only one that can do that.

allandanyways

You are a horrible, genuinely mean person now.

You used to be so caring, so concerned about everybody.

She's turned you into someone I don't know and I don't like the person you are now.

captain P

Dear _____

You left me when I needed you most. You dumped me on the street drunk, after being together 4 years and living together for nearly 3 of those. You gave me a wishy-washy reason and refused to talk to me about it. You took everything I own and hid it all away in wardrobes and drawers and basically stuffed every trace of me away, as though I never existed.

You dumped me because I was having a really hard time, and you were too self-centred to help me. We had planned the rest of our lives together.

I've lost my best friend, my home, freedom, all my plans and my love. I've had to start my life again. It's nearly 2 months and I still miss you so much it physically hurts and that's the worst part. I shouldn't - because you don't deserve me.


----

Dear colleagues,

Learn to spell.
Do your jobs properly - it's not rocket science.
Stop being a**holes.
I'm leaving in a few weeks, and I cannot wait.

LegacyUser

Dear man/men
Why did you take my number and then never call or text me?
It was only a kiss, fine, I got that, I really wasn't expecting you to ask me for my number. But then we had a great chat, we laughed, we got along so well. And then you asked for my number, and I got that little flutter in my tummy. Why get my hopes up?
Is it an ego thing, just to make women feel like sh*t?
It's really selfish actually, and I'm getting pretty sick of men doing it.

It's men like you that make me not want to even bother anymore. Seriously.
I just can not be arsed playing stupid mind games any more, I'm 26, I'm too old. I've had enough.
I've decided that that's it, I don't even want a relationship anymore. If it means another 6/7 years of putting up with this crap and all the other relationship hurt and disappointment I've gone through, until I find someone, then I'm out.
So you know what, fine, move on to the next girl, and the next, and do the same to all of them. I'm perfectly capable of surviving on my own, I didn't need a man, I wanted one.
But you know what, It's really not worth the effort anymore, I'll survive without a relationship, I have done for the last 26 years so what's another 26 more. I quit.

And I know yeah, I sound like I'm just another one of those bitter, stuck up cows now don't I?
But you know what, it's not bitterness, it's anger, it's anger because I know there are nice respectful men out there and it enrages me so f*cking much that guys like you have been the cause of me giving up on meeting someone I could've made very happy. Nice guys finish last because the assholes fix the race, I can't stand at the finish line waiting anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Bye nice guys, I'm sorry.
From Me.

G86

My dear wee sis

I love you, and being this far away from you just makes me love you even more. You're not on your own, I'm only a day away, and I'll be on that plane the minute you say the word. But you know what? I don't think you'll need to. You're growing up so quickly, and somehow I just noticed it all at once. Your Debs night was the last night I saw you before I left, and my god you looked beautiful. We spent a whole day searching for that dress, and when you found it...well, it was like you found yourself. I stood there in awe, at this stunning young woman about to embark on the most amazing years of her life, and I realised that you're not just my little sister anymore.

Leaving you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life; you have so much going on at the moment and I just wanted to be there for you. So much so, that the guilt almost made me stay. But that wouldn't have been right for either of us, you need to do this part on your own, you need to work out who you are - and I think you're doing a pretty good job so far. They didn't lead the way for us, we found our own torches to light our path in life, and they weren't there to help when the batteries ran out. But we had each other, and that got us through. So please just remember that whenever your torch dies; remember that I'm never far behind and I'll never let you fall too far into the darkness. You'll never be alone. You'll always have a light, you'll always have a shadow, and you'll always have me.

So put on a pretty dress, put on a pretty smile, and go live the life you deserve I love you x

LegacyUser

Dear everyone,

I'm not supposed to admit this........ever.....but I'm really scared I'm going to end up alone forever.

From,

Me

LegacyUser

Dear Kevin

i never, ever thought i would be one of those women who would end up with a controlling abusive man. i used to think those women were pathetic weakwilled creatures with no self respect. i thought if i was ever in that situation i would recognise the signs early and walk away. how wrong was i?

i never saw it coming. it was so insidious that i honestly didnt notice it until it was so ingrained and pervasive.

it started with insisting on ringing me a few times a day, even when i was at work... "oh i just had to hear your voice"... idiot that i was, i was flattered. then the calling round unexpectedly, again because you "just had" to see me.... you were actually checking up on me. insisting on coming out with me, even on girlie nights and work nights, or, if i really put my foot down, then insisting on waiting at my house for me to come home.....the incessant calls if i didnt immediately reply to a text... god, you even used check my phone to see who had phoned/texted, and my emails, you used read them over my shoulder. but, all the time, you laughed and joked about it, so much so that i actually thought it was kinda funny, and i didnt see how sinister it was.

i got a bit bothered when i saw you snooping through my visa statement, but you laughed it off as you being a bit nosey and i dismissed it. but you later threw it in my face that i had spent €60 in a menswear shop - it was a birthday present for my father, totally innocent.

i can hardly believe that i am about to type this, but remember when you used walk into the loo after i had been, and comment on any lingering smell, commenting on this in the context of what i had eaten recently - i cannot believe i used tolerate that, and used laugh at it. you just made it seem like a laugh. and when i showered, you used stand on a chair and look in the glass at the top of the door, watching me. what did you think i would be doing?

jesus, i had no privacy. i couldnt take a dump without you commenting on it afterwards.

you invaded every aspect of my life. every fcuking aspect.

amazingly, it seemed ok to me til the night you found out i had previously been with a guy you knew... i saw a different side of you that night.... you were fuming... that was the first time i saw your violent side..... then you insisted on "make up sex" but all throughout it you were saying "i cant bear to think you had his cock inside you, i'm gonna **** him out of you".

i tried to end it then, but you had a trump card - the threats of suicide, the "i cant live without you", the "you'll read about a man found hanging and it will have been me".... i stuck it out for a while until i realised that i was near breaking point, i could not sleep, i couldnt concentrate, i couldnt eat, i was terrorised, i was overwhelmed.

there was one person who told me simply that i had to prioritise myself, not you. that was a lightbulb moment for me. why was i with someone that obsessive, controlling, jealous, aggressive, destructive? why was i letting you destroy me? of course, i know now that the suicide threats were not genuine, merely another method by which you could subdue and control me, you thought you could manipulate me into staying with you.

i walked away one August day 4 years ago, and i have never looked back. you still try to drag me back with your crap, but i aint going there. i have moved on. i am happy, independent and successful.... you will never be able to day that about yourself. you are a controlling psychopath. i pity the woman who had ended up with you, from the bottom of my heart i pity her.

FCUK YOU.

From me, a stronger person than i ever thought i could be.

LegacyUser

You know what's ridiculous? I think you're starting to do to me what I've been doing to you lately. Ignoring me. And I really resent it. And what's REALLY ridiculous? I kinda deserve it. For the last month or so I've been terribly proud of myself for resisting you... not in a bad way, just because the silly games aren't worth it any more. (I did have a moment of weakness last week. Did you even notice? I dunno.) Now I'm starting to see what it must have been like for you... and it sucks. I know we both have stuff to be sorry for.

I don't want to get sucked into another round of, y'know, us. So can we end the games - sooner rather than later, please? I don't know if that's even worth hoping for. Things got ridiculous there a while back; my head is a little more settled now. (I remember some of what you did too, so don't try telling me I was the only one who went a bit crazy! ) I still like you. A lot. But I'm a little more sensible (ahem) about you now. I've made my peace with the idea of it not working out. Might be fun finding out if it does, though, no?

LegacyUser

so....

You email me out of the blue on my birthday just when i was finally getting over you, lets be friends you said.... We met up and it was awkward, no surprise to either of us. Then we met again "as friends', not as awkward but still strange.

I then told you my mother was going for an operation in a couple of days time, probably cancer. It is cancer.

Have I heard from you since? Not a poxy word..... Not even to see did the operation go well. She treated you like a daughter, bent over backwards to help us when we needed it, welcomed you into her home .... for over two years you lived here with her!!!!

You ask to be my friend and then you treat me as anything but.

F*CK YOU

daenerysstormborn3

Dear you

Will you please please please clean your room so that we can decorate it together? I still feel like we haven't officially made it our room because your filth is absolutely everywhere. You have been telling me since April not to worry that you would look after things so that we could decorate the room. The room is tiny, it won't even take that long. You say you're too busy now because you're setting up your own business but do you think you'll have more time on your hands once the business is up and running and you're doing night classes??

All we want to do is paint the room, put up shelves and get rid of the mish mash of furniture that's in the room and have extra sockets put in. I refuse to clean the room myself because it is all of your filth that you have let build up over I have no idea how many years so I think it's only fair that you clean up. Plus, in fairness at this stage I have cleaned the room twice on my own and each time been told not to touch a, b, c and d that you would take care of them.

All I want is for us to have a lovely bedroom that we both love. The whole house (apart from my room) is disgusting, 7 years worth of dirt built up by you and your dad, cobwebs everywhere, floorboards incorrectly laid, unfinished and no skirting boards. I'd love it if I could say you're a hoarder but you're not, you're just bloody lazy and your dad freaks out and gets so angry if i try to clean or change anything.

Please clean your room, please. Stop making excuses just clean it. You are not that busy. You finished college in May and have done nothing since then. Please clean your room.

Stargazer7

isurvivedu wrote: »

Dear Kevin

i never, ever thought i would be one of those women who would end up with a controlling abusive man. i used to think those women were pathetic weakwilled creatures with no self respect. i thought if i was ever in that situation i would recognise the signs early and walk away. how wrong was i?

i never saw it coming. it was so insidious that i honestly didnt notice it until it was so ingrained and pervasive.

it started with insisting on ringing me a few times a day, even when i was at work... "oh i just had to hear your voice"... idiot that i was, i was flattered. then the calling round unexpectedly, again because you "just had" to see me.... you were actually checking up on me. insisting on coming out with me, even on girlie nights and work nights, or, if i really put my foot down, then insisting on waiting at my house for me to come home.....the incessant calls if i didnt immediately reply to a text... god, you even used check my phone to see who had phoned/texted, and my emails, you used read them over my shoulder. but, all the time, you laughed and joked about it, so much so that i actually thought it was kinda funny, and i didnt see how sinister it was.

i got a bit bothered when i saw you snooping through my visa statement, but you laughed it off as you being a bit nosey and i dismissed it. but you later threw it in my face that i had spent €60 in a menswear shop - it was a birthday present for my father, totally innocent.

i can hardly believe that i am about to type this, but remember when you used walk into the loo after i had been, and comment on any lingering smell, commenting on this in the context of what i had eaten recently - i cannot believe i used tolerate that, and used laugh at it. you just made it seem like a laugh. and when i showered, you used stand on a chair and look in the glass at the top of the door, watching me. what did you think i would be doing?

jesus, i had no privacy. i couldnt take a dump without you commenting on it afterwards.

you invaded every aspect of my life. every fcuking aspect.

amazingly, it seemed ok to me til the night you found out i had previously been with a guy you knew... i saw a different side of you that night.... you were fuming... that was the first time i saw your violent side..... then you insisted on "make up sex" but all throughout it you were saying "i cant bear to think you had his cock inside you, i'm gonna **** him out of you".

i tried to end it then, but you had a trump card - the threats of suicide, the "i cant live without you", the "you'll read about a man found hanging and it will have been me".... i stuck it out for a while until i realised that i was near breaking point, i could not sleep, i couldnt concentrate, i couldnt eat, i was terrorised, i was overwhelmed.

there was one person who told me simply that i had to prioritise myself, not you. that was a lightbulb moment for me. why was i with someone that obsessive, controlling, jealous, aggressive, destructive? why was i letting you destroy me? of course, i know now that the suicide threats were not genuine, merely another method by which you could subdue and control me, you thought you could manipulate me into staying with you.

i walked away one August day 4 years ago, and i have never looked back. you still try to drag me back with your crap, but i aint going there. i have moved on. i am happy, independent and successful.... you will never be able to day that about yourself. you are a controlling psychopath. i pity the woman who had ended up with you, from the bottom of my heart i pity her.

FCUK YOU.

From me, a stronger person than i ever thought i could be.

Just wanna say you sound like you've been through such a hard time, I can't even imagine it. But I'm glad you're out the other side and a stronger person for it.

I genuinely wish you all the best and hope you get the love and respect you deserve in life from now on.

Will

B,

I start in college on the 3rd, a year exactly since you passed. It's going to be a very emotional day, bitter sweet. You intended to do the same course once you got better.

Didn't think a year on me or anyone else would still be so raw about it all. Started talking about you with D and some of the others few months back, conversation didn't last long as the tissues came out pretty quickly. Dad can't even mention you, it's too hard for him.

I've been working to make myself a better person, the little things in life don't worry me anymore because they are what they are. Little things. Unimportant things. I can now make bowls again, I stopped for 6 months after you passed as they reminded me of you. They still do but now I see them as mementos, something positive.

Your mother asked me when she was over do I ever have dreams with you in them. I just kept quiet. Thing is I think about you almost everyday so I don't need to dream about you.

Take care

Asphyxia

Dear R.

Today is your anniversary I can't believe your gone three years already!! Time really flies by. We're all missing you more than ever today.

I hope your safe and happy wherever you are

N xXx

G86

Dear Life..

Thank you

I didn't realise I wasn't happy, until I was.

LegacyUser

onlylonely wrote: »

Dear everyone,

I'm not supposed to admit this........ever.....but I'm really scared I'm going to end up alone forever.

From,

Me

Dear onlylonely,

Me too. Don't worry, you're not alone in feeling this.

From,

Me too

LegacyUser

dear mam,

What you said was NOT ok and I'm not sorry. You hurt me very, very badly. You ruined something that I was excited about. Something I was looking forward to. You criticised into the ground something I had spent months on, something I and X had worked on, because it wasn't what you wanted.

You need to get over the fact that I've moved out. I'm gone 3 years now. I cannot be there every evening for dinner.I cannot spend the entire weekend in your house.I have a home and a life and a wonderful man. You need to get over that, and stop being so hung up the fact that I do have things to do.I make a lot of time for you, but it's never enough.I can never, ever win this argument. I cannot wait until my siblings move out too, and you might actually realise that this how life goes.

You are the biggest source of stress in all my planning. And now, you're an even bigger source of stress. You're right, I should be enjoying this.Instead I'm now freaking over every little thing, wondering have I "included" you enough in it, or are you going to be sulking every time I see you.

Don't you realise that X and I are a couple? That we make decisions together.That we talk about everything. That we have a partnership? Why is it so hard for you to accept that there are some things about this that WE want to decide ourselves, that we don't want input on from other people. It's not your day, it's mine.

Leave Dad alone. You're hard work. You're not the worst by any means, but you don't have to be so bloody critical of EVERYTHING. There are some things you just don't have to say.I'm an adult.I'm not 12 years old anymore.

Sometimes when I'm talking to you I feel like roles are reversed - like I'm the mother and you're the sulky, angry teenager. I'm 28.How is that right?

T

LegacyUser

Dear H,

You break up with me a day before repeats. You say its really just a break because I'm so insecure and so dependant on you. You say you'll come back to me. I dont know if you will You say once I find myself, clear my head and get over my insecurities we'll be one again. I'm sorry I got so stressed and took it out on you. I'm sorry I'm so insecure. I love you so much... I hope we can come back from this You say you love me...say we can be best friends while working through this rough patch...say you'll see if I can become a stronger better person. I know your worth it. I just hope you will stick around long enough for me to do it.

Also...your a jackass for dumping me on our 6 month anniversary. I get I'm impulsive. I get I smothered you. I didnt mean it and only did it because I loved you Now I sit in front of a computer with another exam in the morning. Crying my eyes out, hoping and praying I can get over my issues. Hoping and praying you'll come back to me. I never meant to smother you, or hurt you. I never meant to get so stressed. I never meant to do anything bad. I just got scared

I know I need to stop blaming my past, stop running, take control and responsibilty and recognise I am a person without you. That I am me and not just your now ex girlfriend. I need to stop being afraid. Stop putting pressure on you. I know slitting my wrists a month ago over something so trivial was so bad of me. I have regretted it everyday since.

I just want you back in my arms. I want us to be happy and in love again. I know you love me. You know I love you. I know your doing this for me. Well, you say you are. Lets hope I can do what I have to do, lets hope I can keep you and we can go on and be happy and back in love. I'm so scared. So scared I've lost you for forever for being selfish. Using my previous history of depression isnt excusable. I'm gonna get help. Gonna do this for me, you, and our relationship.

Please dont ever forget H, I love you. I'm sorry. I just hope soon that we can be one again and look back and laugh at this rough patch.

Lots of love,

A

Xxxx

Dear Me,

Grow the f*ck up. Cop on and stop throwing away great things that you have because you've sh*tty self esteem. Stop letting your worries take over you and LEARN TO RELAX!

Learn that your awesome, great, hot, sexy, pretty, smart and have (well sorta) a guy that loves you. Stop being paranoid, crazy, obsessive and controlling! Stop running. Hit the nail on the head and do something about it.

Otherwise...your just gonna keep loosing things. Stop being afraid. Stop being stupid. Learn to be happy. No matter how crap life gets...your still better than you think you are. Move on, be a happy person.

Lots of love,

Me

Xxxx


Dear Friends,

I hope ye're bloody right about us getting back together.

A

Xxxx


Dear Mom and Dad,

Cop on. Stop abusing me. I'm your daughter. Not a stress reliever. Dont tell me you wish I'd never been born. Dont use different ways to hurt me. I am who I am. The more ye hurt me, the more I'll hate ye. The more down in myself I'll become. Just tell me ye love me and stop hurting me. Theres only so much more I can take. Pretty soon, I'll abandon ye. Stop destroying me.

Your daughter,

A

squeakyduck

Dear wisdom tooth,

Stop being a dick. Stop hurting me!

Oh and sinuses,

Don't even start your crap! It's DEFO not the time!

SD

Luno

Dear life,

Look up soon? Please!

LegacyUser

Dear so-called friend,

I know things changed between us, but God, it's like I don't exist to you anymore.

I miss you, but you make me so mad sometimes. I'm not going to contact you because I'm not going to grovel for you to make time for me. I did enough of that in the past.

You know a lot of my friends are going through really tough times at the moment, and you're not even bothered to ask how they are. One of them is the wife of one of your friends for God's sake- and I assume you haven't even checked to see how he's coping with her illness. You haven't rang to see how I'm dealing with it all. It's like you just don't care.

No, no, you just keep going around in your bubble, going out on the piss at weekends and ignoring reality. You're not 21 anymore- grow the hell up.

You live 5 minutes away from me and you don't even contact me. I'm done though, I'm not doing the contacting anymore. Usually when we meet after one of your "ignoring" spells, I pretend it never happened and just chat to you like I didn't even notice you'd been ignoring me. Well I'm done being the fool, being the walkover.

I miss you so so much, and I hate when people ask after you because they assume we're still the best of friends, because I spent so long covering for the fact that you're being a sh!t friend. When Mam mentions you at home, I have to hold back the tears. When one of the girls mentions you, I get embarrassed and change the subject. But much as I miss you, I'm not going to cover for you anymore. You're the way you are partly because of me, because you didn't have to try when I was the one holding us together.

God you've changed. I want the old you back, the one who rang & texted & made me smile.

Now all you do is make me cry.

LegacyUser

Dear A,

God, I am so proud of you. I know you've battled some very stubborn demons since your teens but the progress you've made in the past couple of years is really admirable. I know you've been on the brink of suicide a couple of times, but your determination to beat your internal bullies is really impressive. We all tried to reach out & help you so many times & I know you couldn't receive that help until you were ready. I know that you now recognise how much we wanted to help but just couldn't. I'm so glad you found that personal strength to fight for your happiness.

I'm glad you can finally see the value in yourself that others see in you. You are so loved by everyone you meet. People tell me how much you've changed & how glad they are that you're feeling so positive and confident. I wish I was as well liked as you are- you are one of the most genuine, warmest people I have ever met. You always want the best for people. I'm so glad that you are my friend- I'm so proud to call you my friend.

You are beautiful & I know you don't see that yet. Your smile is so friendly & your eyes just sparkle with mischief & warmth. I wish you could see how attractive you are & trust that there will be a great guy who see's that too. You need to love all of you before you can let someone in. Trust your instincts but also take risks- we'll all be there to help you if the risks don't work out. We all want the best for you.

I know you still have a hard time hearing these things but I'm going to keep reminding you of them until you fully believe them. I know you're afraid that confidence may come across as arrogance but you could never be arrogant. Believe me.

Keep grinning that gorgeous smile & hold your head up high.

Love you always,
M xxxxx

Stargazer7

Dear R,

Why do I still dream about you? Those messed up, heavy dreams. I left things as they were months ago because I was busy and because I let you fall off of your pedestal. That was really weird. There was a time when I was consumed by you. Even though I know it was part of the relationship. Even though I knew it was one sided, it wasn't real and that all of my fantasies could never happen. You wouldn't do that to me. I wanted you to. I tried to tell you. Nothing seemed to shock you really. I wish I could've shocked you more. I liked getting a reaction from you. When you called A a "b*st**d", called the others weirdos and how you'd like to get a water cannon to them:o

I wish you could've been who I wanted you to. In a good way. A protector and a saviour. There was a time when I wanted to give over all control to you. And when it didn't happen I wanted you to take it from me, abuse me. I don't know where all this self destructiveness came from. i can only assume from what happened with A and maybe the past. I still crave that sometimes...I have such a messed up view of relationships and men. I got an idea of how bad it was with you. I'm sorry it saddened you. i think you could handle it. You never really gave anything away. I guess it's your job. Sometimes I hated that. You figured out that sometimes I hated you, I thought that was amazing So insightful. Or maybe I'm obvious.

Speaking with you about intimacy and sex was so strange. Surprisingly embarrassing. I still feel like you didn't get it though. How hurt I was. How destructive I remained. In a way I hope the relationship with X was sorta doomed because then, maybe, I have a chance of intimacy again. But I'm worried. I'm worried I won't, that I need to do more work on this before I can allow myself to relax in that situation again. I hope I'm not broken.

Miss you R. I don't really know you but I think you know me. Wish we could meet for a coffee someday, but that will never, ever happen. You wouldn't let it and I should love you and respect you for it. It's your job x

Me