Things you want to say to husband/boyf/ex's/friends/family/people *MOD NOTE POST #1*

LegacyUser

This time I'm not going to f*ck it up PLEASE try to do the same!!!

WinterSong

B,

You're really missing out. I wonder would you ever realise by yourself. I wonder if I will ever have the guts to tell you. However slowly though, I am getting closer to it. Hopefully it won't be too little too late.

Love, K. x

Dear S,

It's good to have you back. I'm excited about the next ten weeks. Wouldn't be able to face it without you, bubs.

LegacyUser

It's "pay day" for you.
Which means wondering day for me as usual.
I am out before you on Monday mornings. I kiss you goodbye and make you promise that you won't blow it all this week again.
In class looking at the time tick by... 9:45am - "I wonder has he left for town yet?"
My nails tap, tap tapping.......

Lunch finally arrives. "I'll just nip home for an hour to see if he's back yet"
No sign of you, your phone just left there on the kitchen table so you can hide in your world without contact from people who care.

The wave of depression hits me. I know it is going to be another one of those weeks. I don't want to go back to college but I have mandatory lab so I have to. Don't bother eating lunch, can't stomach anything.....

Evening classes and lab crawl by. It's 8pm and time to go home. "I wonder will he be back" Part of me desperately hopes you are not there, and the other part of me just wants to know that you are safe and alive.
Open front door, and I see your coat on the bannister. My heart jumps. "he's home, this is early for him, maybe he is sober!" I feel the beam of relief and happiness spread across my face, and when I don't see you downstairs, I rush upstairs guessing you are just getting something from the bedroom.

There you are.
Shoes still on, face in duvet, yet arse in air in a face first collapsed state on the bed. The sounds of your snores vibrating off the walls, and the stench of booze and vomit of your breath fill the room.
Your head is in an awkward position buried in duvet and I'm afraid you'll choke. I try to manoeuvre you into a better position and to pull you properly on to the bed. Pointless exercise with the size difference between us.
You start to stir slightly but eyes remain closed.....I call you and tell you to move. "Tell me your name!" you rave in your drunken asleep state.

Tell you my name? Tell you my ****ing name?!
Oh don't worry, it's only me - your girlfriend of the last 9 ****ing years!
It's only me who's mother only recently died from the same poison that you like to fill your liver with. How you can put me through watching another person I love behave like that again I'll never know.

I'll give you something, you hid it very well for the first 6 years or so. Why did I have to be so fcking in love with you before your problem became wildly apparent? How was I so blind to not see the signs? Why won't you please get some help?

ADDICTION WHY DO YOU ****ING EXIST AND RUIN THE LIVES OF THE PEOPLE I LOVE?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down the stairs you came at 11pm. No words - just poured yourself a large pint of water for the hangover and back to bed you went.

I feel ****. I couldn't stomach dinner either. My eyes are sore from crying. I'm sitting downstairs still wrapped in a duvet typing this. I have to be up at 8 but I can't sleep. I can hear your snores above me. You get to sleep peacefully, but I am still wondering. -
I wonder has he bought more drink?
I wonder will he get up and come downstairs looking for more drink?
I wonder where he has hidden the drink if he has bought more?
I wonder will he drink tomorrow?
I wonder will any of my family or friends call unexpectedly tomorrow and find him drunk?
I wonder how long more I can deal with this?.....................




i feel sad.

ickle magoo

Sorry guys, I've had to delete posts that go against the rules as per the opening post.

ickle magoo wrote: »

MOD NOTE

This thread just does what is says on the tin - please post in another more appropriate thread/forum if you want to give advice/comment on posts/chat to other posters.

Many thanks

LegacyUser

To THAT girl...

When I was 19, I ended up with the hottest girl out of all the freshers in my first year at college. I was in a relationship, she was not. We kissed, we held hands, we had sex, we spent days together. But she led me along and destroyed me on so many levels. Cheating, manipulating, dismissive, introducing me to her friends as "a friend". 2 months of knowing she was sleeping with other guys but not admitting it.

To that girl, I fcuking hate how you treated me. I was a nice guy who would have done the world for you. But if I could do it all again, I wouldn't change a single minute.

You were who you were. I was who I was.

You made realize what I wasn't looking for in a person. That it was more important to be with someone who loved me that being with someone who was attractive.

Despite all the ****, I stayed true to who I was. I'm a good guy who lost out on love all the time to the bad guy.

I met someone who is so proud to be with me, who shows me off to the world as her partner and who makes me happy every day. 7 years of great times. I love her with all my heart. Smart, determined, fully and a fcuking sexbomb. I smile inside when I see other guys stare at her, and I know in every single piece of my being that she would never cheat on me or leave me.

To that girl when I was 19.

Fcuk you and thank you, all at the same time.

LegacyUser

FCUK you. It is not OK to sexually assault me. It's not OK to run and hide from what you did. It's not OK that you were drunk and just messing. It's not fcuking OK to stick your dirty hands down my pants. It's not fcuking OK for you to grope me all night long and expect me to be OK with it the next day.

It's not fair that the people I'm supposed to trust have backed your corner. They saw you do it all night long, they admit that you are an absolute a*shole. But it is not fair that I have now lost MY friends, all because you are a charming son of a b*tch and convinced them it's OK to do it. You are one twisted piece of work

I couldn't do anything about it, I still can't but I hope some day that you suffer, and I hope that if you do pull this stunt again on ANY women, that she reports you for sexual assault. I hope that she slaps you hard and I hope it fcuking hurts.

You deserve the biggest kick a person has ever deserved. It's OK though, I'll pick myself up from this. I'll move on, find better friends who will help me if this ever happens again, I'll come out of college with a damn good degree, and I will kick ass in my life. You, are nothing but a worthless piece of crap and I hope you end up in the gutter.

Much love,

A girl who despises you.

P.S - I wish my boyfriend had found you, and I wish he caused the same amount of pain and suffering upon you as you put on me that night.

TommieBoy

Hey you - thanks for the worst anniversary ever
Note to self - girl, think twice before picking up that phone [distract, distract, distract]

giggii

It really hurts that you won't fight for this more, we had an amazing thing going, and I think about you ever day, but you're right, I do deserve more than you can give me. Until you sort your life out I can't be in it. I really hope you do though, you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, but you need to cop on.
Everyone we know knows you're making a mistake, and you know what, they're right! I'm a catch! I've been asked out four times in the last week, they've all been waiting to make their move and jumped right in there when you ended things. I've no interest in any of them, but it's nice to feel attractive, constantly trying to make you feel better and boost your self esteem made me put my own on the back burner for the last while. I have a lot going on too, but you were too wrapped up in your own (self inflicted) problems that I felt bad telling you anything that was going on with me.
You could have made more of an effort, I know it was hard to maintain things with the distance, but it wouldn't have killed you to send me a text when you were busy and letting me know that you wouldn't have been able to talk that day, as opposed to me waiting hours, even days, worrying if you were even alive! I would have understood if you were too busy to talk, I have a life too, and a busy one at that, and I know things can get overwhelming. I would have been ok if you weren't free, if only you would tell me so. It doesn't take a lot of time to send a text message, you really need to work on your priorities. I tried my best to support you in your endeavours, to make you happy and feel loved, and you turn around and say it made you feel guilty! You actually had me feeling bad for trying to make you happy- do you not see how stupid you're being?
Your missing out. I still love you so much, and it breaks my heart to know that you're in a bad place and I can't help you, but it's your own fault. If you asked me to get back together tomorrow, I'd have to say no. It would break my heart to do it, but I need to focus on me now. You have so many fantastic qualities, but your indecisiveness is overshadowing all of them right now, and I have way too much on my plate as it is to be dealing with that.

LegacyUser

It's ok to not be sure if you want to be a parent, you don't have to decide yet. You don't have to have that conversation with him because even if he could give a definite answer (and you know he can't), you don't know the answer yourself.

You may feel selfish knowing that while you'd really quite like a kid you will prioritize being financially stable (and by that you don't mean 'enough to get by'. You don't want 'enough to get by', you want to be as wealthy as you can possibly get and that's ok. What's wrong with being selfish when you know what will make you happy) over that so that means the next 2 years are off because you can't kid yourself that your career would be waiting for you after 9 months of pregnancy and whatever that may bring and 6 months of maternity leave. You also want to travel and know that a kid won't help that at all. Stop doubting yourself, you don't have to have the same dreams as other people. You were an adult & a sad adult at that long before you would have liked to be so if you want to think of the next few years as Money + Travel = Fun go for it. You couldn't do it in your teens or early 20s, now's the time. By the time you're ready to think about having a baby it may actually be too late, I think you're more than willing to take that chance though.

You don't have a romantic bone in your body, you know that things don't magically fall into place when children arrive like people would have you believe. You know you could be the mother to a baby but are less sure that you could be the mother to a teenager. Deep down you have your doubts that any man actually wants to be a parent and fully believe they'll skip off when things get tough. This you know logically to be crap but your experience with families is that mothers stick around & fathers do not so it's ok to be really kinda scared of that as well. You don't want to be a single parent but you think that children are the end of relationships in many ways. Then your head is melted because relationships you know that kids coming into seemed to have killed, well they actually looked a bit rubbish prior to the kids part. Strong relationship = what outcome? You know happy still-together parents, why do you discount them?

You don't want to live in poverty. Been there, done that, fcuk returning to purchase the tshirt. Then there's the mental illness/addiction worry. No, sod "worry" - terror. You are terrified of having a kid and at 18 having them turn into S or J. Or A or E. Or your granny for that matter. Then you look at the rest of them and it's not all tears and rehab so there's no guarantees either way.

Either way - there are no bad choices. It's going to be ok no matter what you choose and when you choose to do it. History doesn't necessarily have to repeat itself, chin up Not necessarily time to start taking the folic acid tablets just yet but also no need to buy em. It's ok. It is. Believe it and start living like you believe it and create a life you want to live in before making baby decisions.

LegacyUser

Why did you have to be such a nice, sweet, hot amazing guy.
Im leaving to travel in 6 weeks and you are making me want to stay - Damn you!

This was supposed to be some fun and nothing serious but you are acting like you want a full relationship and you're starting to make me think thats what I want aswel.
I've given up way to much in the last year or so for this trip to not go but I really do like you!
This sucks so bad

daenerysstormborn3

I wonder sometimes if you know that I wasn't a willing participant. You know what a disgusting person he is. You can't possibly think that I, a child, knew what was going on, can you? I don't want to talk to you about it, things are just getting good between us again after so long apart, and I just feel it's better left alone but I just hope you know how I felt. I was terrified. I felt disgusting. I felt sick all the time. I wanted to be a child and I couldn't be. It still haunts me. It scares me to think that so many people are capable of it. I feel like I should've opened my mouth but I just couldn't, I didn't understand it, I still don't and I'm an adult now.

Please show me a signal that you understand that I was a child and I didn't know what was happening.

WinterSong

I'm trying so hard to focus on the fact that I won't always feel like this (it's hard for me to believe) and that it's a bad day, not a bad life, but it's a bit pointless really. I can't imagine feeling like myself again. I feel like the essence of me is tied up somewhere else, and it's totally out of my reach.

Truthfully, I feel that you have it with you. Not that you took it exactly, but that you unwittingly have it bound up in something obscure and distant, but close enough to touch. I feel that you could bring it out, shine it up and gaze at it until, bored, you moved onto something prettier, something shinier, and put it away forever.

I really wish I could feel worthy of you. Of your time, and your attention. I trust that you value me, I believe in your sincerity, but I just don't understand. I know that eventually whatever transient spark that draws you to me will disappear, and you won't value me quite so much anymore.

You're a drifter, and I know you don't mean it, and I know you'll always drift back, but it is what it is. It's selfish, in its own way. I know you're like this with everything, and it's not personal, and if I give you enough time you'll eventually reach out again. But how much time is enough? And what if I get sick of waiting?

I'm trying so hard to focus on the fact that I won't always feel like this but the despair is so overwhelming at times that I can't see outside it. I need to feel like myself again. I need Ireland, St Stephen's Green in March, ice cream, chance meetings with you, omelettes in your apartment, cherry blossom stuck in my hair, you tentatively tapping my shoulder in consolation. The worries and concerns of the less jaded me of last year. The naivety and the excitement and the beliefs and the dreams. The dancing. The racing heart, the exaltation, the sheer exhilaration of it.

Drift back to me, B. I need you now more than ever, the whole of you, fully present in all of your magnificence. I know that when I go to you there will be a subtle shift in our dynamic, and by then I might be back to myself. I'm looking forward to it. But in the interim, give me something to work with. Give me something to cling on to.

K. x

beks101

Brain.

Shut up.

Funny how his name is a play on that word.
Funny how you would even notice that.
Please stick to more productive thoughts.

Kind regards,

Beks

confuseddotcom

Dear D.S.P's.R / College / D.S.P,

I would be ever so grateful if, either one, or any, or all of yez could put yer heads together and somehow although it may be close to impossible, somehow in some way manage to wire me some of that precious excitable in-valuable money stuff very very soon. My shoes are testing time at the moment, soles almost gone on 'em, am I gonna end up having to stumble around the place in me flippin' socks.....

Yours
in patient waiting,
cdc.

Tigger99

Well well well

LegacyUser

Dear "friend"

you continue to hurt me everytime. use me all the time, then leave me out of stuff. you've done it again! I think its because Im the only one who would actually listen, who wouldnt tell someone else. I dont know why you left me out, it really hurts. Im not sure Im going to give myself so willingly anymore. I am a good friend and you abused that. I dont think you feel any remorse or even understand how much you and the other person hurt me before, and how it felt. I guess they must mean so much more to you than I do, and fine. But invest in them for advice anymore, because Im not disposable, you use me time and time again. And Im tired and too upset to take it anymore. you lie too, like I really believe you havent been talking about me behind my back. you are perfectly within your right to love these "friends" you have, but dont expect me to stick around anymore. this isnt a jealousy issue. I weigh the value of friendship very carefully, I dont care who is friends with who, its my relationship with the person that counts, but they treat me like crap and we used to be tight, but as soon as they came on the scene, you dropped me for them. yes, we keep in contact all the time, but its not the same. you favour them for trips away, drinks out, ect. that was something we used to do with the group. and guess what you didint come home crying, fight with me due to drink, or have a bad night due to one of the group.

but I can see now you obviously crave that sort of lifestyle right now. those type of people. I need a break from this crap. I miss the old you. I hate the new you. and they are welcome to it.

kat.mac

Brain,

Stop racing, there. Reeee-lax. All in it's own good time!

K

LegacyUser

God I miss you.
The 'you' I thought you were.

Come back to me.
I'm still here.
I'm still here lost without you.

sheindlin

To the girl in my class in first and second year in school. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to you, when we were questioned in class where we were from, I should have questioned why you were told that you did not need to answer (even though you did). At the time I thought that the name the Good Shepherd Orphanage (to a country bumkin) sounded so safe - how could I have been so very wrong. I am truely very, very sorry that I didn't ask more questions as to why you were not around anymore. I was told that the orphanage had been closed (around 1983/4) and you were the only child there, I can only wish and hope that life is better for you now, that you can enjoy some of the wonders life has to offer.

LegacyUser

Dear boyfriend's mother,

And, no, I am not going to grace you with the title of mother-in-law, because you're not going to be that, not now, not ever. Even if I do end up marrying your son, it won't change my feelings for you.

Who the f*ck do you think you are, coming into my home when I'm not here, and changing things and moving things and trying to clean things (let it be said, I don't think much of your standards!! :eek: ) Would you please f*ck the f*ck off, and DO NOT TOUCH MY STUFF!!! EVER!!! Christs sake, I'd murder my own mother if she ever did what you did (not that she ever would - she, and most normal people, have more f*cking cop on.) And you, who I've met a handful of times, feel entitled to mess with my stuff?!

How would you like it, if I landed in to your home with no warning, on a day that you were out, and 'cleaned' (ha!) and rearranged everything. And you landed home, with no warning, to find all your things all over the place.

It's hard to express how much I dislike you and your attitude. My main sentiment right now is:

F*ck you.

LegacyUser

To you to read, and see things from a different eye...an open one.


‘secondary wounding’
-I have a name for it now; the way your reaction fuucked me over.

‘emotional abuse’
-He threw that one in too. But I denied it at first, I defended you, I said you were a good person and I was just too much to handle. I said you had your own problems and just didn’t want to add me to the list. Then I realised what I was saying; that’s all I was to you – a problem.

‘flashbacks’, ‘dissociative episodes’
-That’s what happened that night. Remember that night? When you laughed at me? The night I panicked about having sex with you because all I could see was the last time – the time when I had no choice. That night I couldn’t breathe because I felt that same fear hit me all at once. That night I felt so weak and horrible for not being able to be with you. Do you remember that night? Yes that one; the night I felt all of those things…and you laughed at me.

‘crazy’, ‘playing the victim’, ‘feeling sorry for yourself’, ‘your fault’
-That’s what you said afterwards. That’s what you said to me after I broke down in front of you. That's what you said after I told you a man had sex with me without my consent. That's what you said when I couldn't deal with it. That's what you said when I needed you. I never told you what happened with the second guy. The one who found me and said he’d look after me when it was all over- but didn’t. Yet you thought you knew it all. You knew enough to judge me. I had a few drinks, so it was my fault. You'd seen me drunk before, so it was my fault. I was reckless, so it was my fault. I couldn’t deal with it, so I was crazy. I wanted you to still care about me, so I was feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to explain how I felt; I asked for your help, so I was ‘playing the victim’.

‘are you ambushing me?’, ‘I’m not talking about this’
-That’s what you said when I stood up to you. That’s what you said when I gave you the chance to tell me you didn’t mean what you said; I cared enough to give you that chance. But I guess you did mean it didn’t you. I called you a ****; I never say that word, but saying it to you made me feel stronger than I had in a long time. I don’t regret saying it, but I regret having to.

You know what you were for me? Hope. Hope that I was someone still worth something. Hope that I could still be loved. But instead of showing me that, you did the impossible and you broke what was already broken.

I still think about you, but mainly because I don’t know how I could have got someone so wrong. You hurt me so, so much and I hate myself for ever letting you.

I don't think I'll truly trust anyone again. You taught me well. You taught me to stop seeing only the good in people; you taught me not to love easily and not to trust eagerly; you taught me to be cold; you taught me to be you. And that's a horrible place to be. I may have been flawed, I may have left myself open to pain and disappointment, but at least I once left myself open to love.

I'll get there again someday. I sincerely hope that you do too; I hope you learn to let someone in and in turn let them give themselves to you. There is wonder in that, there is peace in that..and there is hope.

Larianne

Larianne wrote: »

Larianne,

Cop yourself on or you'll end up alone, living with cats.

So glad I took my own advice.

flowerchild

I am sorry that you have experienced such pain and that the person you opened up to responded so callously.

Other people care.

LegacyUser

Oh my god, you've played me for a fool again! When will I ever learn! I do wish you the best. I dont want to go on in life feeling bitter and sore over it. And I hope you treat her right. I really do. Yes I feel slightly jealous, not of her. Only because you cant play two people and expect them to be ok with it. Dont mess her around. Stop lying to me! I am done with you. I dont hate you. I just dont want to be wrapped up in this anymore. Stop being selfish. your words mean nothing, if you really meant it, your actions would prove it. bye bye now!

LegacyUser

you made me cry again today! like before, like years ago. I hope you are proud of yourself. I feel so sad! But not shocked. Just hurt and confused and unimportant. I wish I could erase you out of my mind and start over afresh. If there's anything up there, god or whatever. Please hold out a tiny bit of happiness for me in the next few days. Going to need it. thanks.

LegacyUser

Strange reading some of these posts make; there seems to be the common thread of many who have loved and invested so much in others only to the detriment of their own well-being and sense of self.

To all the other voyagers on this leaky lifeboat in rough waters: I hope we all find the peace we deserve, and learn something a little useful along the way too. There's great comfort to be had in knowing you're not alone Thank you

BizzyLizzie

I miss you. Why do you live so far away? You're one of my bestest friends in the whole entire world. Come visit me

IrishEyes19

Really wish you hadn't come into my life at all. How easy it is for you to come and go as you see fit, and leave me in bits. Hope tomorrow brings a brighter day!

outnumbered82

I want you to text call make contact even when I say don't and leave me alone. I want you to fight for me not just walk away when times get though

IrishEyes19

I want to wake up tomorrow and just not even think of you or what you did. I dont wish any revenge or bad luck on you. I dont care what you do from now on or who with. I just want to get some peace and erase all the damage you have caused.