Monday Funnies

MonkieSocks

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills.

There was a label on the bottle that said ... **Take one pill for a great night**

The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night; so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbours came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying.

"What's wrong?" they said.

"Mom's dead,

Sister's pregnant,

My backside hurts,

And Dad's in the basement yelling: Here Kitty Kitty ..."

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A man joined a Satanic cult and started praying to the dark one.

Lo and behold, Satan actually appeared with a big hammer in his hand and asked him to make 3 wishes.

"3 wishes? But I wanted a 100"

"No, you can only have 3"

"But I want a 100"

"Do you want to ask your 3 wishes, or should I leave?"

So this guy agrees.

His first wish is "I want you to change this giant hammer into a small wooden stick"

And so it happens

His second wish is "I want you to stick this wooden stick up your arse"

No choice left, Satan pushes the stick up his arse with tears flowing down his cheeks.

He roars, "ask your third wish"

"I want you to grant me my remaining 97 wishes, or else I'm going to convert this stick back into the giant hammer...."


Moral of the story: You cannot get anything from the management until you put a hammer up their arse
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The wife has been missing for a whole week now and the police have said prepare for the worst....

So I’ve been and got her clothes back from the charity shop.

Cloee

A little boy is sitting in the car with his mum, she gets stopped by a policeman

"Bastard" she says.

"what does bastard mean. mummy?"

"it means, ehh... policeman"

they drive home, and on the way into the house, the mam falls over the doormat.

"****" she says

"what does **** mean, mummy?"

"it means, eh... doormat"

the boy goes upstairs and finds his dad shaving. his dad nicks himself with the razor.

"bollocks" he says

"what does bollocks mean, daddy?"

"it means, eh.. face"

so the boy goes downstairs, and his mom is preparing dinner. shes plucking a turkey. she drops something and says" "****"

"what does **** mean, mummy?"

"it means, eh... plucking"

soon after, the doorbell rings, the little boy answers it. the policeman from earlier is standing there
the little boys says:

"oh, hello bastard, would you like to wipe your feet on the ****? my dad's upstairs shaving his bollocks and my mum's in the kitchen ****ing the turkey"

Capt'n Midnight

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The wife has been missing for a whole week now and the police have said prepare for the worst....

So I’ve been and got her clothes back from the charity shop.