How important is the 'we are going to have a baby' conversation?

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my partner for just over a year - we have lived together for the past 6 months and we have in a very round about way talked about having kids. 4 months ago we decided that we would stop trying to not have kids - so I have stopped taking contraceptives and we have just left things happen - and nothing has happened. I get so depressed every month when I start my period. I know that it is only the beginning and that i am not doing anything like monitoring my ovulation dates etc - but I was hoping it would happen naturally.

Anyway - we don't talk about it at all - we have never really sat down and had the 'we are trying to have a baby' conversation. We both acknowledge that we are depressed when my period starts but we never really talk about it. In a way I understand why - he has been through trying for a baby with his ex and it didn't happen so I know he doesn't want to get his hopes up again in case it doesn't happen this time. I have always worried that i cannot have children and until I met my partner I never wanted them. This is the first time I have ever really thought about this and I need to be able to talk about it.

I am just wondering how important people think it is to have this conversation. I know that it would be important if there were problems - but do I wait until we have been 'not trying to not have kids' for a year and then say we have to talk. I am worried because of our ages also - I am 34 but my partner is 44 - so if we wait a year and then start seriously trying and then after a year or so if we haven't had children decide that we will adopt he will be at the top end of their upper age limit (I know that officially they don't really have an upper limit - but I think one exists anyway) - and besides, because we aren't married they are very unlikely to allow us to adopt as a couple.

crazy cat lady

Having a baby is a huge decision for you both and will change your lives in ways that you can't and will not expect. Its a scary thing to decide on and its something that you really should decide together. It sounds like in a round about way youhave done this, but have you really talked about how it will impact on your life should the day come that you are blessed with a little bundle of joy?

From the sounds of your post, I think perhaps it's important to you to have a chat about the future. Its something you have obviously thought about and would like to happen. You could test the water with your partner by maybe talking about baby names, or which room in the house you would use as a nursery.

I think its very early for you to even be thinking too much about assisted reproduction or adoption, you've barely started trying and it takes an average healthy coulple between 6 months to a year to conceive.

In the meantime, just improve your lifestyle any way you can - stop smoking, cut down on the drinking, regular exercise, a good balanced healthy diet. Get yourself a folic acid supplement and get himsel a zinc supplement to help his swimmers.

Hope this helps!

LegacyUser

Thanks CCL - we have had a tentative chat about the future with a promise to have a proper one over the weekend. He says that he was just waiting for me to be ready to get serious about having kids so is delighted that I have said I would like to be pregnant next year!! Its a long journey - and a bit scary - but I am delighted that we will soon be officially starting on it!!

Thanks for the advice!

Jinxi

My partner and I are not married either, but we have been together for 10/11 years. We too are not not trying to concieve, But from my point of view(and I know it is only MY point of view), I coulld never have even considered doing this with someone I,
a) hadn't known a hell of a long time and
b) hadn't explicily talked and discussed how much we want this.
Over the past 5/6 years we have talked about everything from genders and names to what we see as our priorities in parenting, to what we consider appropriate discipline, etc. We have a good auld time analysing other peoples parenting skills(totally judgemental I know). My job is in the childcare industry and it is definatly something we look forward to and relish. Over the past 10 years, I have been secretly analysing how he would be as a father to(I would never admit this to himself, even though I know he has been doing the same:D)
I also have a fear of one or both of us beiing infertile(he had mumps at early teens), and wouldl hate for us to out of the adoption age(which I think is 40) if needs be.

Squiggler

OP, we were not not trying for 9 or 10 months before I conceived (I've lost count). Like you and your partner we were a little depressed each time AF made her appearance. We did talk about it quite a bit, about how we would feel, and what we would do, if we couldnt' have a baby of our own.

We decided to make some positive efforts to improve our health and increase our chances. We both started eating more healthily, cut down on nasties (alcohol, smoking, sugar and other unnecessaries) and focused on enjoying our intimate moments instead of thinking about whether they would bear fruit.

After months of hoping AF wouldn't appear when she eventually didn't I was actually worried that something was wrong :rolleyes: When we got the positive test result we were both overwhelmed with happiness.

Fingers and toes crossed for you.