Stretched parents

LegacyUser

Hello, I am hoping that someone else has had a similar story, not wishing it on anyone, here it goes.
We have 3 beautiful children, a 7 year old boy and 2 and a half year old twins, boy and girl.
The 7 year old boy is extremely intelligent and very well behaved. The twins are needless the say a handful, the girl is also very intelligent and the boy is also very smart although he is behind in his speech.
He is a stunning looking child with platinum blonde hair and ice blue eyes but that look is deceiving he doesn’t respond to any chastising and its all his way, we try not to appease him but we are stretched.
When it was just the one child we could spend plenty of time with him doing all the things parent(s) would do. We wouldn’t have a quarter of that time for our twins. However when mammy had the twins we had to build an extension, by the builder from hell!
Here is our life style.
Mammy is in work for 6am so I get up at 5.20am to help get the twins into the car so she can drop them out to her parents who mind them while she goes to work. Her parents are literally priceless, won’t even take a penny off us.
I go back to bed for 2 and a half hour, usually not going back to sleep.
I then get up at about 8am and get myself and my son ready, I drop him off to school at 8:50 and I make it into work for 9am.
Mammy finishes work in time to collect twins from her parents then gets back home which is about 20-30 from her parents, to collect the 7 year old from school.
Twins are then full on but the 7 year old is no minding at all until I come home at about 5:45pm, but could be later a couple of times a week.
Then its dinner, cleaning up after dinner, tidying house getting them to bed etc etc this stops at approx 9pm Mon-Fri.
Her job are very helpful and considerate, mine are the complete opposite, working for obnoxious people who have absolute zero interest in your personal life or personal well being.
We had to build an extension for our bigger family which now means that there is no chance of one of us giving up work to be with the twins as we must work to pay our mortgage, we have no problem with that and are not looking for any hand outs!
This crazy life style has mammy worn out and I am not far behind, she doesn’t even get a chance to watch TV at night as its go go go and then she must go to bed early to be able for it all over again next day.
She is very strong mentally and can deal with it for the most part, where I lose the cool too often.
Basically it kills me that I/we don’t have anything like the time we had with the first child which is why I think he is so gifted. Then when the weekend arrives it’s usually catching up on house work.
I am bitterly unhappy at work and have been recently diagnosed with 'Graves Disease', I have a fairly unique job which is highly skilled and badly paid, and me dropping off our son to school has me grounded in a job because, school, home and work are all local.
We have very little disposable income, buying a pair of jeans once a month is a luxury, staying in is the new going out.
Welcome to the western life style.....................

littlebitdull

Been there done that still wearing the bloomin tee shirt

Not sure if your looking for any advice , but one little thing you could do is - instead of getting back into the bed after loading the twins in the car (where you admit you don't go back to sleep anyway ...) you could get a start on that housework, thus freeing up some time at the weekend?

It will get easier as the twins get older, and need less minding.

Time is the only thing that will change anything. You are at least luckier than a lot of people who have large childminding bills to pay, my parents were unwilling to be unpaid childminders (can't say I blame them really) and my mother-in-law lived too far away to help, so we had to struggle for many years on one wage - it was very very hard at times but we got through.

cynder

Where do i start?


First thing catching up on house work at the weekend, well that for a start could be done on one day and have quality time the next, that may be going for a walk in the woods or to the park ( FREE).

As for everything else, there is not much i can say.

Take the good with the bad - it could be worse - look on the bright side, there is one just find it.

I'll give you a bit of my story

I'm a mother of 3, 4 years ago i gave birth to my 3rd child, then everything went down hill.

The baby had a thyroid problem at birth but on his second heal prick it was fine.

When he was 8 weeks old my then 7 year old nearly died, we found out she was diabetic and going into a coma, she has to take insulin for the rest of her life. (since then she has has many problems) wehn i was going into the hospital to visit her someone crashed into my car. (the very same week my sister in law was told she was terminal and she had 5 years left to live)

when the little guy was 6 months old my hubby was diagnosed with high bp and was medicated (he was 27)

A few weeks later my young lady let the handbrake off the car and it crashed in to the front of the house, we had too knock the front and rebuild it.

When the baby was 10 months old my husband found a lump (he was 28)

Just after the baby's first birthday he was told he had cancer, two types!

Following months he had chemo and an operation

(i was also working part time and had to give up work)

Fast forward too baby aged 2 he had slow speech (none) and was referred to be assessed, he has weekly appointment since the age of 2.4 years and is wait listed for a autism spectrum disorder assessment, they have questioned adhd but wont diagnose it till he is in school, he is now in pre school with a pre school assistant, has speech therapy and early intervention education both group and one to one. He is also waitlisted for the psychologist. he is to be assessed again early next year by the psychologist and the speech therapist.

In august last year my dad died aged 54.

3 days later my daughter was rushed in to hospital in a coma (she was brought back quite quickly with the right meds) again she could have died.


This year she has been in hospital once due to diabetes

My hubby was also in hospital 1 month ago with high bp, tachycardia and arrhythmia.

So at the end of the day I Am thankful its not worse, i could be living Ina tent in haiti or starving in Africa.


Take each day at a time, if you need sleep then do go to bed early, there is 17 months between my youngest 2 and they are like twins and the little guy is a real handful, but at least they are here,

For us we only go out once every 3-4 months. Things do get better as they get older.

Chin up.

I got to go to switzerland with the children to lapland appeal and that really made my problems feel insignificant to what some parents were going through, even though some thought mine were worse. There is always someone worse off, find a way to be happy with what you have.

If you think your 7 year old is gifted speak to the school and see if there is anything they can do to challenge him. Also if the 2 year old is having speech problems look into getting him speech therapy.

Best of luck.

here.from.day.1

Fair play to you guys. As said already, its tough now but time changes everything. Best of luck.

astra2000

Hi op ok firstly just to let you know it will get easier may take a couple of years but it will. It sounds like you are a great couple and work really well together. I really do sympathise with you and sometimes it can be easy to look at other families and think things are so much easier for them, but this is rarely the case. Similar to grindlewald once we had our third child many problems regarding illness and bereavement (though thankfully none of our kids were affected). I know from experience that it is very hard to come to terms with been diagnoised with an illness but with the help of your doctor you can eventually come to terms with it and learn to live with it.
My suggestion would be to try and make some alterations to your schedual to see if that would help. Maybe a couple of days a week you could get the twins ready and drop them over to her parents a little later, leaving your wife to just get herself readyand off to work, and then for a couple of the other mornings your wife could do it all leaving you to have an extra hour in bed, but get up around 7 to get a few jobs done around the house. Try as much as ye can to just spend a few hours on a sat morning doing a big clean and leave the rest of the weekend as free as possible for relaxing. take turns on sat and sun morn to have a lie in that alone will do ye the world of good.
You need to stop feeling so guilty about your older son and having less time that is the way it is for all kids who have siblings the first child gets plenty of attention and each subsequent sibling dilutes down the amount of time spent with each child. Your son is at school and ye are there for him in the morning as soon and as he comes home in the evening that is great for him. The twins are at a difficult age terrible twos are the worst put some way of chastising your little boy in place I found the bold chair helped, M ake sure your parents in law follow what ever plan you decide on.
As for your work start looking for another job I know it is a really bad time right now but it wont hurt just to send out some cvs and to contact a recruitment company. You say your wifes work are great could she maybe look into taking one day parental leave a week for a while ? I know it would mean less money but if you take into account tax cost of lunch petrol for the day it may be a bit less than you imagine.
Yes staying in is the new going out we very rarely go out but always try and get a bottle of wine and a dvd on a sat night or cook a meal for friends. It is important to make time for yourselves too.
Best of luck op you sound like a really considerate husband and I am sure things will start to get easier.

Sleepy

It seems like time management is the area you'd get most benefits from OP.

Why not get the chores you do in the evening done in the morning rather than going back to bed. If nothing else, it should help re-synchronise your body clock with your O/H so ye're both tired for bed around the same time?

Might help ye to eat earlier (good for you anyway) and to have a little more family time in the evenings.

Preparing large meals that can be frozen is a real time saver. Make, for example, a huge bolognese so all that needs to be done the second or third nights is the pasta and microwave the frozen sauce. Once you get in the habit of this, you'll have a freezer full of healthy quick meals and cooking a large portion of something doesn't take any/much longer than cooking a small portion.

Alternatively, is there any way your O/H's hours could be altered so that she works a more normal 9 - 5 and then synchronise your lives around those hours?

branners69

Before I can feel any sympathy can I ask a few questions?????

Have either of you tried to give up work/work share to spend more time with the twins?
What age are the grand parents minding the twins? Can they stimulate them?
Where does Mammy work and what car/year is she driving?
Where do you work and what car/year do you drive?

I get the vibe that you are feeling sorry for yourself! Yes, life can be sh1t but hey its the hand you set yourself up for, dig in and enjoy it! As you say, you have three beautiful kids, grasp them and enjoy them.

I am similar with kids but rather than bitch and moan we have given up everything! No sky, no phone, no gym, no nights out, no nothing! But hey we are happy!!

lynski

we have 2 under 4 and another one on the way, mortgage from hell, i am out of work and like Branners we have nothing extra - no sky, no holidays, no nights out or nights away, no new things for house, 7yr old car, etc, things are hard everywhere. But you must have it very hard, 2 wages, no childcare costs and you are still stretched? you will need to put some plans in place if the grandparents get ill or one of you.
I find with my 2 that they need 1-to-1 time and attention, if my 4yr old does not see his dad for a couple of evening - not unusual - he is much more of a handful. (My nearly 2yr old actually tells me 'mommy i miss daddy' she often does not see him in evenings 3/4 days per week. By 7pm she is shattered, no way to keep her up, he does not last much beyond 7:30)
He needs time, from me and from dad, regularly and he responds to that. 1 evening a week of 1-to-1 with each of you could really help, and the activity need not be very long or complex (building with lego for 20 mins can be enough) and at the weekends find time for the 7yr old - because they may not be a handful now, but they will be if they are not getting the attention the little guy is getting.
Also, how many naps are the twins getting during the day? sometimes the hyper behavior can actually be tiredness manifesting, if they are up at 5:30 and not getting to bed until 7/8, they are not getting enough sleep for 2.5yr olds. If they are not getting enough exercise during the day they can be bored and cranky too.
I know your condition makes you very tired and the irritability is prob due to that too, so saying get up at 5:30 prob is not an option, but is getting up at 6:30 and you dropping twins off an option?
Maybe grandparents could keep twins for an hr or 2 extra one day a week to give you a chance to catch up on a few things?
Or maybe it is time to connect with some other parents in the area and start going on some playdates? get you out of the house for an hr or 2 and get the twins some interaction with other children their age. Again my guy is a handful when he is bored, after his free playschool mornings, the 3/4 playdates we have per week are vital, as well as the playgroup 1 morning per week, library another.
hope things improve

LegacyUser

littlebitdull wrote: »

Been there done that still wearing the bloomin tee shirt

Thanks for your comments.

grindelwald wrote: »

Where do i start?

First thing catching up on house work at the weekend, well that for a start could be done on one day and have quality time the next, that may be going for a walk in the woods or to the park ( FREE).
As for everything else, there is not much i can say.
Take the good with the bad - it could be worse - look on the bright side, there is one just find it.
I'll give you a bit of my story
I'm a mother of 3, 4 years ago i gave birth to my 3rd child, then everything went down hill.
The baby had a thyroid problem at birth but on his second heal prick it was fine.

When he was 8 weeks old my then 7 year old nearly died, we found out she was diabetic and going into a coma, she has to take insulin for the rest of her life. (since then she has has many problems) wehn i was going into the hospital to visit her someone crashed into my car. (the very same week my sister in law was told she was terminal and she had 5 years left to live)

when the little guy was 6 months old my hubby was diagnosed with high bp and was medicated (he was 27)

A few weeks later my young lady let the handbrake off the car and it crashed in to the front of the house, we had too knock the front and rebuild it.

When the baby was 10 months old my husband found a lump (he was 28)

Just after the baby's first birthday he was told he had cancer, two types!

Following months he had chemo and an operation

(i was also working part time and had to give up work)

Fast forward too baby aged 2 he had slow speech (none) and was referred to be assessed, he has weekly appointment since the age of 2.4 years and is wait listed for a autism spectrum disorder assessment, they have questioned adhd but wont diagnose it till he is in school, he is now in pre school with a pre school assistant, has speech therapy and early intervention education both group and one to one. He is also waitlisted for the psychologist. he is to be assessed again early next year by the psychologist and the speech therapist.

In august last year my dad died aged 54.

3 days later my daughter was rushed in to hospital in a coma (she was brought back quite quickly with the right meds) again she could have died.

This year she has been in hospital once due to diabetes

My hubby was also in hospital 1 month ago with high bp, tachycardia and arrhythmia.

So at the end of the day I Am thankful its not worse, i could be living Ina tent in haiti or starving in Africa.

Take each day at a time, if you need sleep then do go to bed early, there is 17 months between my youngest 2 and they are like twins and the little guy is a real handful, but at least they are here,

For us we only go out once every 3-4 months. Things do get better as they get older.

Chin up.

I got to go to switzerland with the children to lapland appeal and that really made my problems feel insignificant to what some parents were going through, even though some thought mine were worse. There is always someone worse off, find a way to be happy with what you have.

If you think your 7 year old is gifted speak to the school and see if there is anything they can do to challenge him. Also if the 2 year old is having speech problems look into getting him speech therapy.

Best of luck.

I shall now stop complaining and just get on with it after reading your post. I really appreciate your time and I think writing and reading the replies has actually helped in its self.
Just to say that we do house work every night just so we are not too swamped come Saturday. Also I know about scares, one of the twins was born with no vital signs after a difficult birth but the staff in ICU in Holles Street were amazing, all Philipino too they were.
My 7 year old goes to a Gael Scoil so I think for now he is getting all the challenges he can.

here.from.day.1 wrote: »

Fair play to you guys. As said already, its tough now but time changes everything. Best of luck.

Thanks

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi op ok firstly just to let you know it will get easier may take a couple of years but it will. It sounds like you are a great couple and work really well together. I really do sympathise with you and sometimes it can be easy to look at other families and think things are so much easier for them, but this is rarely the case. Similar to grindlewald once we had our third child many problems regarding illness and bereavement (though thankfully none of our kids were affected). I know from experience that it is very hard to come to terms with been diagnoised with an illness but with the help of your doctor you can eventually come to terms with it and learn to live with it.
My suggestion would be to try and make some alterations to your schedual to see if that would help. Maybe a couple of days a week you could get the twins ready and drop them over to her parents a little later, leaving your wife to just get herself readyand off to work, and then for a couple of the other mornings your wife could do it all leaving you to have an extra hour in bed, but get up around 7 to get a few jobs done around the house. Try as much as ye can to just spend a few hours on a sat morning doing a big clean and leave the rest of the weekend as free as possible for relaxing. take turns on sat and sun morn to have a lie in that alone will do ye the world of good.
You need to stop feeling so guilty about your older son and having less time that is the way it is for all kids who have siblings the first child gets plenty of attention and each subsequent sibling dilutes down the amount of time spent with each child. Your son is at school and ye are there for him in the morning as soon and as he comes home in the evening that is great for him. The twins are at a difficult age terrible twos are the worst put some way of chastising your little boy in place I found the bold chair helped, M ake sure your parents in law follow what ever plan you decide on.
As for your work start looking for another job I know it is a really bad time right now but it wont hurt just to send out some cvs and to contact a recruitment company. You say your wifes work are great could she maybe look into taking one day parental leave a week for a while ? I know it would mean less money but if you take into account tax cost of lunch petrol for the day it may be a bit less than you imagine.
Yes staying in is the new going out we very rarely go out but always try and get a bottle of wine and a dvd on a sat night or cook a meal for friends. It is important to make time for yourselves too.
Best of luck op you sound like a really considerate husband and I am sure things will start to get easier.

I would love to drop the kids out in the morning but I have a company 2 seater car van so thats out the window although I used to do this when we just had the one child.
We also had a 'time out chair' for the first boy which worked well but the twin boy would'nt sit there, does'nt listen we cannot get through to him what so ever, we decided that it may take some more time. Mammy is actually looking into a four day week from next year onwards. Thanks you for your response.

Sleepy wrote: »

It seems like time management is the area you'd get most benefits from OP.

Why not get the chores you do in the evening done in the morning rather than going back to bed. If nothing else, it should help re-synchronise your body clock with your O/H so ye're both tired for bed around the same time?

Might help ye to eat earlier (good for you anyway) and to have a little more family time in the evenings.

Preparing large meals that can be frozen is a real time saver. Make, for example, a huge bolognese so all that needs to be done the second or third nights is the pasta and microwave the frozen sauce. Once you get in the habit of this, you'll have a freezer full of healthy quick meals and cooking a large portion of something doesn't take any/much longer than cooking a small portion.

Alternatively, is there any way your O/H's hours could be altered so that she works a more normal 9 - 5 and then synchronise your lives around those hours?

You are right, time managment is deffo getting a look in. Also my O/H hours cannot be changed due to the job she is in, thats 100%. Thankd for your post.

branners69 wrote: »

Before I can feel any sympathy can I ask a few questions?????

Have either of you tried to give up work/work share to spend more time with the twins?
What age are the grand parents minding the twins? Can they stimulate them?
Where does Mammy work and what car/year is she driving?
Where do you work and what car/year do you drive?

I get the vibe that you are feeling sorry for yourself! Yes, life can be sh1t but hey its the hand you set yourself up for, dig in and enjoy it! As you say, you have three beautiful kids, grasp them and enjoy them.

I am similar with kids but rather than bitch and moan we have given up everything! No sky, no phone, no gym, no nights out, no nothing! But hey we are happy!!

No.1 I didnt ask and dont want any sympathy!
No.2 As already pointed out the two of us have to work to pay mortgage.
No.3 Grand parents are brilliant with them
No.4 Not putting Mammy employer up here and 04DOPEL Zafira, I suppose thats too much of a luxury for us!

cynder

Things do get easier as the little ones get older. Every one is allowed to get stressed now and then, when you do reflect on the good things, if you keep thinking how bad things are you start getting depressed and that's not good for anyone.

If things are stressful have a word with your gp and see if he can put you off sick for a week or 2 for R&R (thats if you can afford to go off sick) same goes for your wife.

If you think you may be depressed ask your gp for help, there is no shame in taking a few happy pills if you need them . Must say in your last post you don't seem depressed, but it can happen to anyone anywhere.


good luck!

smelltheglove

Jesus Grindle talk about bringing a tear to my eye, all I can say is fair play to you. You sure are an inspiration!

OP the joys of parenthood. I am entirely grateful for all that I have and will continue to be no matter how har dit can get. Sleep deprevation is a huge thing, can cause so many issues, as said already, try get a start on what needs to be done in the mornings then maybe get into a routine where you and the wife can go to bed together. One thing I love in my house is that myself and hubbie never go to bed at different times, no matter what is going on if I have a lot of work to do he will wait up with e, if he is off at a gig or something I wait for him to come home.

Scambuster

Yep, never going to bother with kids myself. Life is too short for that hassle.

Nevyn

Scambuster banned from the parenting forum, this forum has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to trolls.

Keea

I am a mother to two girls - one is 3 and a half, the other 20 months. My husband and I both work. I work 4 days. He does 5. Life is very busy with young kids but I find having 1 day off a week great. Even though I have the kids at home and might get nothing done in the house, there isn't that pressure to get out in the mornings and get things ready the night before etc. Just regarding your graves disease, I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid (graves disease) in 2006 and I was on medication for 4 years. It wasn't so bad when we had one child but when our 2nd child was born I found myself flying off the handle very often and very irritable. I undertook radioiodine treatment (took a radioactive tablet) to kill my thyoid cells back in September and I have to say I have found myself much better since then and more in control of my emotions. My thyroid bloods are now within the normal range and I am off medication. Are you on medication for your graves disease?
My husband and I go out together about once a month and what we do is ask the grandparents (one set) to come to our house on a friday evening about 5.30pm after we are both home from work. They will feed the kids their tea, put them to bed and we go off to the pub at 6. We have some quality time together, a few drinks and get home for about 8.30pm (usually with pizza in tow). The best thing about this is the grandparents get to go home early, we have got out on our own and even though we've both had a drink neither of us is hungover in the morning (as we cant be with kids up at 7am or before it). We try to do this about once a month and I can honestly say it keeps us sane.

CathyMoran

My husband and I have some serious illnesses between us (we are both 36) - I am a type 1 diabetic, had graves when I was younger and now have an underactive thyroid, have sarcoidosis and am an oesophageal cancer survivor...I suffer from chronic fatigue. My husband has crohns disease, osteoarthritis, a form of graves, sarcoidosis and is on warfarin for multiple blood clots, he also suffers from chronic fatigue. We get no family support (my mother had a brain haemorage over 6 years ago and my daddy is her full time carer) and my mother in law has terminal lung cancer.

We have a wonderful son who is over 7.5 months old and I am 11 weeks pregnant. Yes we are tired, yes the housework is not really done but we love our son and are having great fun being parents. We never thought that we could have children and consider them a blessing. I was lucky that my husband got me to take the 16 weeks unpaid leave and I am making the most of that time, will hate when our son goes into a creche but it will be better for him and us. We are lucky that we work in the same place but am dreading going back as there is a lot of unpaid overtime and our wages are being cut and my salary will go on the creche fees. We were both "gifted" children and the system did not cater for us when we were young, we hope that we can feed the interest in learning in our children, I love teaching children, always have (but work in IT ).

This is our life. Our children and each other keep us together, am still head over heals in love with my husband, we have been through a lot together.