What to do about 14yr old being asked to leave school

Febe00

Hi all, I am looking for some advise hopefully from someone who has been in our situation and come through the other side (with a good outcome).

My 14 year old son has been asked to leave his school. He is in 2nd year. He has had so many warnings from the school and each time he promises to try harder and do his work. The problem we have is with his homework mainly. He refuses to complete his homework, he is constantly on report for not doing homework which leads to extra work and more agro. He is in the higher level classes for Maths, Irish and English and his teachers reckon he could get 9 honours in the junior cert. The school feels that they are not being responsible keeping him there as he does no homework and is now even begining to cause trouble in class (talking, drinking his juice, not take out books etc). So now we have been told he must leave, we meet with the school again today to request some time to find a new school. The problem is how am I to get him into a school with a bad reportfrom the one he is in. I have applied to 3 local (ish) schools today and they all say they are full.

He just does not eem to realize what this means and just says I hate the school, I don't care, my life etc etc... He even sys I'll never change I just cant get into homework! I am so worried he is so young I just dont know what to do.

We are on a waiting list for councilling (in case there is something behind it) He has 1 older brother with Cerebral Palsey and a younger brother and sister.

What can I do to help him?? Sorry for the ramble and hope I have explained my situation clearly.

Chuchoter

Tough situation to be in for everyone

I don't think staying in the current school is an option, a new start might be great for him as long as he promises to do his best. Counselling would also help enormously. I have a few friends with siblings with disabilities and one girl, her brother has very severe autism and she had huge problems in the social sphere of things, but it meant she moved school as well.

Just so you know, since your son is under 16, state run schools are obliged to give him a place if your current school is asking him to leave. It might be an idea to take school off until Christmas, do the counselling and just let things settle and then start up again in January.

Febe00

Thanks crayolastereo! Im worried he will be refused entry into other schools because he has a bad report from his current school. Im worried if he gets feel for staying at home he wont want to go back into the school system

ANXIOUS

Have you tried disciplining him? A few smacks should get him back in line.

Febe00

Yes, I have grounded him, taken his xbox etc. I do not hit him as it is not in my nature to hit kids

January

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Have you tried disciplining him? A few smacks should get him back in line.

Yeah, cos that's the answer to everything. Go away troll.

Counselling is a good option. I don't know if he needs a report from the old school or not? Maybe just an entrance exam?

freckly

What kind of a school is it? Has he been suspended on may occasions? I would imagine there has to be more to this tan just not doing his homework and minor incidents in class. How did this all come to a head? Are you being recommened to take him out of the school, or being told to take him out? I know these are more questions and not answers, but it could clarify the situation and help you get some more practical answers.

Febe00

Thanks Adrieanne. 2 of the 3 schools we went to today askedfor references and reports from the school he is in at the moment. The third would not even give us an application form, they said we have to send a letter in first.

The problem is he is half way through jr cert studies and all the schools know its unusual to take a child out at this time, so they guess there must be other reasons to move. Also the school he is in at the moment is very close to our house so we cant say its to move closer etc

freckly

Could you make an appointment to see the principal and be very honest, saying your son has abilty and has gotten into a negative spiral. Push home that you will help and support him, try to get counselling etc and that a fresh start could be just what he needs? Are the other schools in your local area? Would his classmates from primary, friends from the football team or local kids he knows go to these schools? That could be a huge plus and help argue his case, as you are talking about the wellbeing of a child.

Febe00

Hi freckly, yes he has been suspended for issues arising from not doing homework like refusing to do extra work, leaving without completing detention. being on report for not doing homework and still not completeing. I agree that it seems a little harsh for homework issues and minor class issues but the school feels they have done all they can and he just does not want to make the effort. they have alrady told him he will not be doing higher level maths as he does not to his homework. They are telling him to leave but have allowed us some grace to find a new one. They said if by some major miricale he turned himself around and changed they would allow him to stay.

Febe00

freckly wrote: »

Could you make an appointment to see the principal and be very honest, saying your son has abilty and has gotten into a negative spiral. Push home that you will help and support him, try to get counselling etc and that a fresh start could be just what he needs? Are the other schools in your local area? Would his classmates from primary, friends from the football team or local kids he knows go to these schools? That could be a huge plus and help argue his case, as you are talking about the wellbeing of a child.

Freckly, yes this what I intend to do once they have looked at his application. The schools are close to us but all his pals are in the school he is in now. I am so scared for his future.

freckly

Do you want him to leave and does he want to leave? i cant imagine that schools are allowed to expell a student for not working. Maybe they are trying to do you all a favour and get him out of this negative circle, while he is still young enough to start again. Could you ask his current school for help getting him into the other schools? He is entitled to a school place, but sadly the other schools dont have to take him unless he is formalle expelled. You obviously want to avoid this route where possible.

ANXIOUS

adrieanne__x wrote: »

Yeah, cos that's the answer to everything. Go away troll.

Counselling is a good option. I don't know if he needs a report from the old school or not? Maybe just an entrance exam?

Are you actually serious? No kid likes doing homework, but they have to do it simple as. If i didnt do homework, i got a smack and did it. Im 10yrs older than her son, i got my degree and starting in a bank on monday. If my parents had of been weak and let me do what i want, i wouldnt be in the same situation.

What school wants a child that is being kicked out of his own school? Would you like if a disruptive student was taken from another school and placed into the same one as your kid?

If i was you id beg the principle for one more chance, and sit with him for every second that it takes. Until he realizes he has to do it.

If i wasnt starting a new job i would help you if i could, ive helped out in homework clubs for numerous years.

Febe00

freckly wrote: »

Do you want him to leave and does he want to leave? i cant imagine that schools are allowed to expell a student for not working. Maybe they are trying to do you all a favour and get him out of this negative circle, while he is still young enough to start again. Could you ask his current school for help getting him into the other schools? He is entitled to a school place, but sadly the other schools dont have to take him unless he is formalle expelled. You obviously want to avoid this route where possible.

No I do not want him to leave because I feel this is the better school. Yes he does want to leave I think this is exactly what he wants to be honest (although he denies this). I agree that the school are trying to help him, however, I did ask if they could help him get into another school and they did ot think they could. They said they would write a report on his ability to be an A student but would have to be honest if they recieved a call from the new school and explain his refusal to do his work

Holybejaysus

Maybe you should pull him out of school and try and get him a job somewhere. I know when I was in fifth year I all but gave up on school, didn't even bother sitting my leaving. I just wasn't interested back then. So I dropped out, made some money, gradually started to grow up, and then started to educate myself at my own pace. I just wasn't mature enough at that stage of my life, and no amount of punishment or lectures could change me.
Working in the real world is the best thing possible for building character. Teachers aren't allowed to boot students up the arse, but it's a different story with a 20 stone foreman on a Monday morning

So maybe it might be worth a shot, he can always go back and repeat or just go to college as a mature student once he has figured out what he wants to do.

Nevyn

FFS will you ever report posts please which break the rules rather then snarkily replying or thanking snarky replies. This is the reported post button press it on the post you want to report, fill in the reason and all the mods of the forum get a copy of the report and we will deal with the posts as soon as possible, other wise posts can be missed.

freckly

Holybejaysus wrote: »

Maybe you should pull him out of school and try and get him a job somewhere.

I dont think this is legal at 14! Seriously though, if you want him to stay in the school could you help him with his homework and ensure he does it most of the time. I know you have other children, but this could work once you get past the resistance. If you have the money, you could also get a grind once a week to help him in the subject with the most homework. Or enrol him in homework club. he wont thank you for it and it will be hard for the whole family, but its probably the best way. If you dnt think the other schools sre better, there is a huge chance he will disimprove and end up quitting education way too young. Best of luck

Febe00

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Are you actually serious? No kid likes doing homework, but they have to do it simple as. If i didnt do homework, i got a smack and did it. Im 10yrs older than her son, i got my degree and starting in a bank on monday. If my parents had of been weak and let me do what i want, i wouldnt be in the same situation.

What school wants a child that is being kicked out of his own school? Would you like if a disruptive student was taken from another school and placed into the same one as your kid?

If i was you id beg the principle for one more chance, and sit with him for every second that it takes. Until he realizes he has to do it.

If i wasnt starting a new job i would help you if i could, ive helped out in homework clubs for numerous years.

I understand your point and before this happened to me I would be the first to say cop on... but, it is not that easy when you have a child that point blankly refuses to complete his work. I have sat with him for hours and hours doing and trying to do homework. Even my mam has come over and sat with him. He does all his woodwork, religion and history fine (cause he likes them) He spend hours avoiding everything else. Even when he does do it he will do the wrong work or in the wrong copy. He leaves books in school (we have had to take him back to get them) we have called to his friends houses to get homework that he has not wrote down. I am out of work sick to try spend more time with him (I also work for a bank)

So, although you may think I am weak, I am not and I am trying my best. I do not agree with hitting kids so that wont happen

Febe00

Holybejaysus wrote: »

Maybe you should pull him out of school and try and get him a job somewhere. I know when I was in fifth year I all but gave up on school, didn't even bother sitting my leaving. I just wasn't interested back then. So I dropped out, made some money, gradually started to grow up, and then started to educate myself at my own pace. I just wasn't mature enough at that stage of my life, and no amount of punishment or lectures could change me.
Working in the real world is the best thing possible for building character. Teachers aren't allowed to boot students up the arse, but it's a different story with a 20 stone foreman on a Monday morning

So maybe it might be worth a shot, he can always go back and repeat or just go to college as a mature student once he has figured out what he wants to do.

Hes only 14??

ANXIOUS

Febe00 wrote: »

I understand your point and before this happened to me I would be the first to say cop on... but, it is not that easy when you have a child that point blankly refuses to complete his work. I have sat with him for hours and hours doing and trying to do homework. Even my mam has come over and sat with him. He does all his woodwork, religion and history fine (cause he likes them) He spend hours avoiding everything else. Even when he does do it he will do the wrong work or in the wrong copy. He leaves books in school (we have had to take him back to get them) we have called to his friends houses to get homework that he has not wrote down. I am out of work sick to try spend more time with him (I also work for a bank)

So, although you may think I am weak, I am not and I am trying my best. I do not agree with hitting kids so that wont happen

I apologise for implying you are weak, i shouldve used another word. I just cant comprehend how a 14yr old can tell an adult what he is and isnt doing. Maybe when i have kids.

Do you mind if i ask if youve anyone besides your mther to help you?
I know my school did an after school homework club, maybe his does to.
Does he have anyone he looks up to in his life?

Febe00

ANXIOUS wrote: »

I apologise for implying you are weak, i shouldve used another word. I just cant comprehend how a 14yr old can tell an adult what he is and isnt doing. Maybe when i have kids.

Do you mind if i ask if youve anyone besides your mther to help you?
I know my school did an after school homework club, maybe his does to.
Does he have anyone he looks up to in his life?

My husband (not his Dad) helps a lot. My Dad has also tried to take him aside and talk to him like a friend etc. His older brother who is 18 and in college has also tried to get through to him. He was in the after school club but refused to go after a week because when he finished his work he had to stay. The school agreed to allow him to leave as soon as he finished, and that did not last either. He does not need help as he is very very clever; this is what is getting to the teachers so much as he could be a super student.

Splendour

Hi OP, sounds like you could do with help from this crowd www.youthreach.ie

Nevyn

Is there a youth reach centre near to you?
http://www.youthreach.ie/aatopmenu/Centres/yrmapage.htm

If there is I would suggest contacting them and getting him a tour and explaining that this is where he will end up.

Sounds like he may be a little to bright for his own good and has gotten bored of school, it happens. That coupled with how parents will try and keep the peace and only punish to a certian limit so the house is not in constant up roar a smart kid can figure out whatthose limits are and push them.

I'd be for boot camping him in his own home, all his possessions taken off him and put in the attic bar two chages of clothes and his uniform and being made to do so many chores he'd choos home work over it. Not every parent or family is able for that mind. As bright as he may be he is still a young teen and he has to learn to respect teachers and parents.

does he have hobbies or sports that challenge him if he is not finding that in school? Judo, chess, go?

Holybejaysus

Febe00 wrote: »

Hes only 14??

Meh, so what? Get him a job off the books as an assistant gardener or something.

Febe00

Thaedydal wrote: »

Is there a youth reach centre near to you?
http://www.youthreach.ie/aatopmenu/Centres/yrmapage.htm

If there is I would suggest contacting them and getting him a tour and explaining that this is where he will end up.

Sounds like he may be a little to bright for his own good and has gotten bored of school, it happens. That coupled with how parents will try and keep the peace and only punish to a certian limit so the house is not in constant up roar a smart kid can figure out whatthose limits are and push them.

I'd be for boot camping him in his own home, all his possessions taken off him and put in the attic bar two chages of clothes and his uniform and being made to do so many chores he'd choos home work over it. Not every parent or family is able for that mind. As bright as he may be he is still a young teen and he has to learn to respect teachers and parents.

does he have hobbies or sports that challenge him if he is not finding that in school? Judo, chess, go?

Yes I just checked the link and there is one close enough to us. I am going to have a good read up on their website. Yes I'm sure you are right about pushing the limits etc as he knows the younger ones get so upset when we argue and fight.

On the bootcamp thingy, its funny you have said that cause I have even looked it up, ye know the ones in the states. Don't think I would be able for it at home, he would climbb out the window (he has done in the past when grounded, I always go after him bTW)

He used to play hurling and football but has lost interest, although we still make him go

Chuchoter

Are you sure he isn't being bullied? Another possibility is he is in with a group of friends who don't exactly approve of working, and he wants to be like them.

An idea might be to get him a bit of work experience,like a week or two, (not actual work, but like TY work experience) in a few areas that he has a vague interest in. If he likes xbox, see if you can get him some experience in a games developing place or maybe in a museum if he likes history. It can be very difficult for a 14 year to see so far into the future as to see the point of studying. They are still in primary school mode where there is no reason to do your work. I know the only thing that makes me get up and go study in the evening is thinking about the course I want to do and I know I won't get it unless I work my ass off for it. Work experience really cemented this in my head. Another thing that might really help is a weeks experience in a primary school helping the kids with reading/language difficulties.

All you need to do is get him to ring where-ever you want to go, ask if they accept people for even a few days of work experience and if so, send them a letter (from himself) explaining why he has an interest in this area and a CV.

I don't think going crazy boot camp in your house is going to get you anywhere because he does sound very headstrong. I think finding an incentive to work will work better for him

Febe00

crayolastereo wrote: »

Are you sure he isn't being bullied? Another possibility is he is in with a group of friends who don't exactly approve of working, and he wants to be like them.

An idea might be to get him a bit of work experience,like a week or two, (not actual work, but like TY work experience) in a few areas that he has a vague interest in. If he likes xbox, see if you can get him some experience in a games developing place or maybe in a museum if he likes history. It can be very difficult for a 14 year to see so far into the future as to see the point of studying. They are still in primary school mode where there is no reason to do your work. I know the only thing that makes me get up and go study in the evening is thinking about the course I want to do and I know I won't get it unless I work my ass off for it. Work experience really cemented this in my head. Another thing that might really help is a weeks experience in a primary school helping the kids with reading/language difficulties.

All you need to do is get him to ring where-ever you want to go, ask if they accept people for even a few days of work experience and if so, send them a letter (from himself) explaining why he has an interest in this area and a CV.

I don't think going crazy boot camp in your house is going to get you anywhere because he does sound very headstrong. I think finding an incentive to work will work better for him

Some really great ideas there! I am defo oing to suggest the work experience to him. Strange as it will sound the latest thing he has said he wants to do is teaching, he wants to go to UL to study

Febe00

santiago wrote: »

OP were have you been in the last 14 years?

explain??

partyatmygaff

Speaking as someone still in school, i've got to say you're being far too soft with him. He can't "just refuse" to do anything in school. Leaving school before even getting your Junior Cert is beyond crazy.

Nevyn

santiago please note that this forum is a place where parents get suport and advice and if you can't post in that manner don't bother.

Nevyn

The big brother big sister program might be a help as well.
http://www.bbbsireland.ie/aboutus.php