What to do about 14yr old being asked to leave school

Febe00

partyatmygaff wrote: »

Speaking as someone still in school, i've got to say you're being far too soft with him. He can't "just refuse" to do anything in school. Leaving school before even getting your Junior Cert is beyond crazy.

Thank you for your comment but I am not suggesting for a minute that he leaves school. He has been asked to leave the school he is in at the moment. He WILL go to another school

challengemaster

partyatmygaff wrote: »

Speaking as someone still in school, i've got to say you're being far too soft with him. He can't "just refuse" to do anything in school. Leaving school before even getting your Junior Cert is beyond crazy.

I'd agree. It doesn't sound like he needs councelling or is being bullied, it sounds like he's spoiled and is able to get his own way.

He may go to another school, but what happens when the same thing happens again? The problem isn't the school, it's your child not doing what he's meant to. You can change school 1000 times and that wont fix it.

Febe00

Thaedydal wrote: »

The big brother big sister program might be a help as well.
http://www.bbbsireland.ie/aboutus.php

Thanks, I will look into this site. At the moment he is due to start teenage councelling and we are on the waiting list for a strenthing families program which starts in Feb. I had a look at the youthreach website and it is for 15 yr olds plus who have already left school. I am really not looking for that, my fear would be that he would actually like a place like that or think its cool

partyatmygaff

Febe00 wrote: »

Thank you for your comment but I am not suggesting for a minute that he leaves school. He has been asked to leave the school he is in at the moment. He WILL go to another school

Neither was I, but his attitude needs to change or he'll get nowhere.

Febe00

challengemaster wrote: »

I'd agree. It doesn't sound like he needs councelling or is being bullied, it sounds like he's spoiled and is able to get his own way.

He may go to another school, but what happens when the same thing happens again? The problem isn't the school, it's your child not doing what he's meant to. You can change school 1000 times and that wont fix it.

He is not spoiled. I agree the problem is not with the school and is with his behavour.

So tell me, what do you suggest??

Chuchoter

Tbh your son sounds (this will sound awful) too smart for youthreach. Youthreach is like learning to read, whereas your son sounds like he is well capable of very good marks.

His old primary school will almost definitely take him. I did it in my brothers old school and it is a very fulfilling job getting a kid with add to finish a worksheet and to keep going at it, he might get a lot out of it.

Febe00

crayolastereo wrote: »

Tbh your son sounds (this will sound awful) too smart for youthreach. Youthreach is like learning to read, whereas your son sounds like he is well capable of very good marks.

His old primary school will almost definitely take him. I did it in my brothers old school and it is a very fulfilling job getting a kid with add to finish a worksheet and to keep going at it, he might get a lot out of it.

When he came down to say goodnight i mentioned that to him, just to gage his reaction and he seemed interested he was like " really do you think the school would allow that" I am going to look into it further with his old primary school as his little brother is still there and we have a good relationship with the school

challengemaster

Febe00 wrote: »

He is not spoiled. I agree the problem is not with the school and is with his behavour.

So tell me, what do you suggest??

If he's able to get his own way and you can't discipline him, he's spoiled.

What to do? Show him UL entry requirements and that he'll never study there without going through the school system first. Also take away everything he has for entertainment until he starts co-operating. No xbox, no tv, no pc, no football, indefinately grounded, everything you can. That way he won't become fond of staying at home and fall out of the school system.

Chuchoter

Febe00 wrote: »

When he came down to say goodnight i mentioned that to him, just to gage his reaction and he seemed interested he was like " really do you think the school would allow that" I am going to look into it further with his old primary school as his little brother is still there and we have a good relationship with the school

Even if you mentioned to the primary that he's having trouble finding something to focus on in secondary and he thinks this would really help they will understand. tbh, with upwards of 30 kids, when half have some kind of disability or don't speak English, teachers are dying for someone to step in and give them a hand.

Febe00

challengemaster wrote: »

If he's able to get his own way and you can't discipline him, he's spoiled.

What to do? Show him UL entry requirements and that he'll never study there without going through the school system first. Also take away everything he has for entertainment until he starts co-operating. No xbox, no tv, no pc, no football, indefinately grounded, everything you can. That way he won't become fond of staying at home and fall out of the school system.

We have met with the career guidence teacher and looked at the entry requirments for UL and discussed what subjects at what level he would need to do. We have sold his xbox and games. Reduced tv,pc, grounded etc.

Dont get me wrong I am not perfect and Im sure I could do better hence why I am here looking for advise. I have also gone to the school for help etc

Aoifums

I have to suggest this, and since you said he is smart, is there any chance he is gifted? Hate the label but it has to do sometimes. Could he be somewhere in the top few percent (IQ wise)?
I am and I've noticed it with a couple of friends, but we all seem to hate homework. I love learning but homework and study, which is all repetition, just bores me to death. I do it because I have to, but I felt a lot like your son seems to when I was his age.

Febe00

Aoifums wrote: »

I have to suggest this, and since you said he is smart, is there any chance he is gifted? Hate the label but it has to do sometimes. Could he be somewhere in the top few percent (IQ wise)?
I am and I've noticed it with a couple of friends, but we all seem to hate homework. I love learning but homework and study, which is all repetition, just bores me to death. I do it because I have to, but I felt a lot like your son seems to when I was his age.

He has never been tested. His brother (10yr old) has and is, he is in the top 5% in his age group in the country in some things and top 1% in maths, he is in 4th class but attends an extra class for junior cert maths and projects etc. His younger brother has Aspergers. He does not have any of the other signs that the youger guy had that led to testing (like social skill issues etc)

BostonB

I think he needs to find something that he want to do. Then maybe he'll work towards it.

challengemaster

Febe00 wrote: »

We have met with the career guidence teacher and looked at the entry requirments for UL and discussed what subjects at what level he would need to do. We have sold his xbox and games. Reduced tv,pc, grounded etc.

Dont get me wrong I am not perfect and Im sure I could do better hence why I am here looking for advise. I have also gone to the school for help etc

Take them away completely. Give him no other option than to do what you want.

Aoifums

Febe00 wrote: »

He has never been tested. His brother (10yr old) has and is, he is in the top 5% in his age group in the country in some things and top 1% in maths, he is in 4th class but attends an extra class for junior cert maths and projects etc. His younger brother has Aspergers. He does not have any of the other signs that the youger guy had that led to testing (like social skill issues etc)

Gifted =/= poor social skills. It can but doesn't always.

Febe00

Aoifums wrote: »

Gifted =/= poor social skills. It can but doesn't always.

God no I did not mean it to sound like that sorry. My yougest son was tested as he had poor social skills and he was diagnosed with Aspergers and then IQ tested etc, thats all I meant by that

Febe00

challengemaster wrote: »

Take them away completely. Give him no other option than to do what you want.

Life would just be a nightmare, we have done that in the past

obliviousgrudge

You'd be better to leave before hes expelled.

If you ask your school for a reference theyll more than likely give him an okay one if you choose to leave now.

And also, being a student myself, it can be very enoying to have a (excuse my language) cheeky basatrad in your class.

Aoifums

Grand, I was a little shocked there!

I think I can come across as lazy and unmotivated because I just don't like schoolwork. I honestly love to learn things and I could do it all day but repeating the same thing for an hour and then expected to cover it that night too drives me mental. So I really see where your son is coming from. I can't say how to motivate him because a terrible JC did that for me.

Nevyn

Febe00 wrote: »

He has never been tested. His brother (10yr old) has and is, he is in the top 5% in his age group in the country in some things and top 1% in maths, he is in 4th class but attends an extra class for junior cert maths and projects etc. His younger brother has Aspergers. He does not have any of the other signs that the youger guy had that led to testing (like social skill issues etc)

Non neurotypical can and does run in families and it's possible to non neurotypical and just not be acute enough on the spectrum to be diagnosed and may not be needing learning supports. This can happen with gifted kids and school becomes boring and not a challenge and those which are meant to be his peers are annoying and the level of frustration can go through the roof.

What about http://www.barnardos.ie/information-centre/young-people/teen-help.html


It does sound like he needs goals and challenges, martial arts is good for discipline and respect, chess or go http://www.irish-go.org/ something were he will get a challenge and meet people who should have a positive out come for him.

What is his passion and maybe we can see if we know someone who can have a word with him, opportunities like that can make a world of difference.
I have been keeping and eye on my son for when he hits this stage in a couple of years time.

challengemaster

Febe00 wrote: »

Life would just be a nightmare, we have done that in the past

For how long? Or did you just give up..

It really seems like you're not fully dedicated to solving this issue, probably why he's able to get his own way.

Febe00

Aoifums wrote: »

Grand, I was a little shocked there!

I think I can come across as lazy and unmotivated because I just don't like schoolwork. I honestly love to learn things and I could do it all day but repeating the same thing for an hour and then expected to cover it that night too drives me mental. So I really see where your son is coming from. I can't say how to motivate him because a terrible JC did that for me.

You sound like him, but, he can not explain why he does not have the motivation to do his work. Im sorry I dont know what a JC is?

implausible

emmetmcl wrote: »

You'd be better to leave before hes expelled.

If you ask your school for a reference theyll more than likely give him an okay one if you choose to leave now.

No, he wouldn't. If the school goes through the formal process of expelling him, you can appeal under Section 29. If the school is successful in expelling your son, he can still be enrolled in another school under the same legislation. As a teacher, my experience is that it is nigh on impossible to expel and/or refuse to enrol a student, and your son does not sound as bad as some of the cases I've heard.

At the very least, holding off on changing schools will give you time to devise some strategies to deal with him.

Sardonicat

Febe00 wrote: »

Life would just be a nightmare, we have done that in the past

His life is going to be a nightmare if you don't! He's 14, he can roar and shout as much as he wants, he has to learn that he can't tantrum his way though life. It's up to you to teach him that. He's being kicked out of shool, how serious do things have to get for you to do some tough parenting?

If his behaviour is so bad when you withdraw his things maybe he should be assessed by a psychologist?

Febe00

challengemaster wrote: »

For how long? Or did you just give up..

It really seems like you're not fully dedicated to solving this issue, probably why he's able to get his own way.

1 month but that was the time frame we had given. Does it really seem like that? I am very dedicated to solving tis issue as I am with all my children.

Nevyn

challengemaster wrote: »

For how long? Or did you just give up..

It really seems like you're not fully dedicated to solving this issue, probably why he's able to get his own way.

Every family has a limit to which they can let 1 member disrupt the family home esp when there are younger kids who have special needs.

rainbowtrout

Do you work OP? We had a student in the school I work in that caused a lot of problems in class a couple of years ago. The principal made an arrangement with his father that his son had a shortened school day for a period of time eg. didn't come in first class in the morning and went home by lunch. The father was present in the school for the classes his son was in for and sat outside his classroom. If the son gave any hint of trouble the teacher could send him out to his father. It might seem a bit drastic but it worked, Over a period of time he returned to the full school day and the father came in in the morning and stayed until break but was on call if he was needed and eventually there was no need for him to be around any more.

Maybe your son would buck up to save himself the embarrassment of having his mother sitting outside his classroom.

Febe00

deemark wrote: »

No, he wouldn't. If the school goes through the formal process of expelling him, you can appeal under Section 29. If the school is successful in expelling your son, he can still be enrolled in another school under the same legislation. As a teacher, my experience is that it is nigh on impossible to expel and/or refuse to enrol a student, and your son does not sound as bad as some of the cases I've heard.

At the very least, holding off on changing schools will give you time to devise some strategies to deal with him.

Oh thank you, it is good to hear from a teacher. In your experience is this common? is it always down to parenting and discipline?

Aoifums

Febe00 wrote: »

You sound like him, but, he can not explain why he does not have the motivation to do his work. Im sorry I dont know what a JC is?

Sorry, Junior Cert I spend too much time on the Education part of the site.

To be honest, I used to not know either. I just knew I didn't like school and I liked homework even less. It's only in the last year or so (I'm 17 now) that I realised what I disliked about school. I'm trying to work through it but it's fairly difficult now.

Febe00

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Do you work OP? We had a student in the school I work in that caused a lot of problems in class a couple of years ago. The principal made an arrangement with his father that his son had a shortened school day for a period of time eg. didn't come in first class in the morning and went home by lunch. The father was present in the school for the classes his son was in for and sat outside his classroom. If the son gave any hint of trouble the teacher could send him out to his father. It might seem a bit drastic but it worked, Over a period of time he returned to the full school day and the father came in in the morning and stayed until break but was on call if he was needed and eventually there was no need for him to be around any more.

Maybe your son would buck up to save himself the embarrassment of having his mother sitting outside his classroom.

Yes I work full time but I am out on sick leave at the moment (trying to deal with this and other unrelated family illness/ issues) I have 3 other children 2 of which have special needs. This does however sound like a good solution in some part. although i could not attend full days as my 2 year old only attends montissori for few hrs and 10yr old has extra classes etc