What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

boomkatalog

Yes. Its my mothers favourite story for new boyfriends.

ballyharpat

sober-working in NY as a rocker and framer-never held a screw gun in my life, but they were paying $35 an hour, and I figured I could do it. Plugged in the gun, the bit wasn't turning, asked one of the lads why?, strange look and then he says, you have to have it under pressure
Same job, a few weeks later, couldn't find a metal stud for the screw, decided to put my finger behind the rock and feel the screw going in, end result, screw right through my index finger,

Working for a company that gave me the final warning for showing up late-used to drink a lot, I figured the best way to make sure I was on time, was to drink in the bar all night, two doors away, and go straight to work from there, I was on time, but legless when they arrived at 6.30am.

night of my 21st, got 10 'E's'-they were elephants, really smacky, there were very few around town, in the pub with some friends, out of my head after 3 of them, my friends wanted some and were trying to get them from me, put the next 7 in my mouth and swallowed them :eek: When I tried to get up to go to the club, couldn't stand, fell face first on to the table and broke one of my front teeth. My buddy took me home to sober up, was crawling out of his living room to the front door to get to the club, couldn't walk. About 12.30, finally good enough to walk, got to the club, met my manager and his Mrs. My buddy was chatting to my manager and his Mrs. goes to give me a birthday kiss, I stick out the tongue and go for it, all the while looking at my buddy talking to my manager, I still get a kick out of that one-many, many more, mainly involving drink....

cocoshovel

toning down from the seriousness of my first post in here.


When I was about 7 in 2nd class I asked the teacher could I go to the toilet. He said yes, so I got up and walked down the back of the classroom, unzipped my pants and began to piss into the bin. After about 10 seconds of my mindlessly staring at the wall pissing away I realized what the fúck I was doing and quickly stopped before exiting to the toilet.
Luckily absolutely nobody noticed :eek: as everyone was pre-occupied with work.

Another time I was at my granparents house and was aged about 7 again. I was roaming around the house searching and playing with random stuff when I was amazed to find my grandfathers shotgun. Picked the thing up and marched down the hallway, kicked open the kitchen door, screamed "FREEZE FBI!" and pointed the shotgun at my grandfather.
He nearly died of a heart attack, and I got a good baitin from the whole family for being such a fool.

(parents told me this one. Dont remember it myself) When I was about 4 I found this big barrel filled to the brim with water, so I thought it would be great to go for a swim. I dived head first into the barrel only to find I was stuck vertically with my head at the bottom of the barrel and unable to move arms. Nearly drowned and only for my grand father heard me struggle and came out and grabbed my legs and pulled me up I probably would have died.

As you have probably guessed I was a mental child. I could go on forever with stories like these.

Kovu

cocoshovel wrote: »

(parents told me this one. Dont remember it myself) When I was about 4 I found this big barrel filled to the brim with water, so I thought it would be great to go for a swim. I dived head first into the barrel only to find I was stuck vertically with my head at the bottom of the barrel and unable to move arms. Nearly drowned and only for my grand father heard me struggle and came out and grabbed my legs and pulled me up I probably would have died.

As you have probably guessed I was a mental child. I could go on forever with stories like these.

Thank feck I'm not the only one that did that:rolleyes:

mattjack

Karen112 wrote: »

Thank feck I'm not the only one that did that:rolleyes:

um I might have done it as well.

bodhrandude

Probably the time I attacked an atm with my jacket when it was only issuing twenty notes but I only had 15 in the bank, an off duty guard pulled me up and sent me on my way, it was a silly tantrum when I think about it now.

Killer Wench

When I bought this laptop, I turned to the salesperson and with sincere honesty in my heart, asked how to download the internet.

:D:D:D



I really meant to ask if all of the necessary programs were already installed on the computer.



But, the salesperson, to his credit just answered me with a polite, "it's all there, ma'am".

44leto

I actually did something very retarded today

I was shopping in the pavillion got back to my car, took out my ticket and I couldn't understand why the machine kept spitting it back and not lifting the barrier. Then I realised I never put it through the the billing machine.

So with a tail of about 10 cars behind me which I imagine were cursing me and calling me every idiot under the sun, I couldn't reverse so I pressed the button and eventually they just lifted the barrier.

I drove away fast,,scarlet..

af_thefragile

Chuck Stone wrote: »

I tried it too. ****in' hell!

Luckily I was going uphill and quite slow.

I tried it a couple of times... It feels really awkward to do it when you're not used to it... Guess I need to practice it a few time on Gran Turismo to perfect the skill before getting on the road. Though it is sort of practically unnecessary on the road. Just like heel-and-toe-ing...



I think the most retarded thing I did in my car was driving down this road with my mate. Not too long since I started driving and bought my car so to try and show-off I decided to take this bend in the road at a little more speed than recommended. See another car coming from the other side... "oh shi-". Gotta decide between risking slamming the car into the oncoming car which would be a terrible thing to do or going wide and risking slamming the car into the kerb which would be slightly less terrible. Well I went with the later. Front wheel slams into the kerb and gets significantly buckled. Limped the car back home. Had to spend around 100eur getting a new wheel. Lesson learnt...

Shanotheslayer

boomkatalog wrote: »

For years when I was younger I thought people were saying "Peas Berry Chew" at mass when they shook hands....

I used to think they said 'Please to meet you' and one time I was sitting in the front row, and the priest was friends with my Grandfather, so he came over and shook my hand and said ' Peace be with you' and I reply back ' Please to meet you'

Have never lived it down !

Dan133269

cocoshovel wrote: »

Another time I was at my granparents house and was aged about 7 again. I was roaming around the house searching and playing with random stuff when I was amazed to find my grandfathers shotgun. Picked the thing up and marched down the hallway, kicked open the kitchen door, screamed "FREEZE FBI!" and pointed the shotgun at my grandfather.
He nearly died of a heart attack, and I got a good baitin from the whole family for being such a fool.

(parents told me this one. Dont remember it myself) When I was about 4 I found this big barrel filled to the brim with water, so I thought it would be great to go for a swim. I dived head first into the barrel only to find I was stuck vertically with my head at the bottom of the barrel and unable to move arms. Nearly drowned and only for my grand father heard me struggle and came out and grabbed my legs and pulled me up I probably would have died.

As you have probably guessed I was a mental child. I could go on forever with stories like these.

No offence, but who leaves a gun and a barrel full of water just lying around when there are children about unsupervised?

cocoshovel

Dan133269 wrote: »

No offence, but who leaves a gun and a barrel full of water just lying around when there are children about unsupervised?

The gun was in a closed press and hidden behind a bunch of clothes. I was going to find it one way or another.

I dont know who leaves a barrel full of water lying around, it was at a public place, I think a garden centre or something of the sort.

Dont worry, I was an extremely insane hyper child. I was going to find something dangerous to do one way or the other.

jd

44leto wrote: »

I actually did something very retarded today

I was shopping in the pavillion got back to my car, took out my ticket and I couldn't understand why the machine kept spitting it back and not lifting the barrier. Then I realised I never put it through the the billing machine.

So with a tail of about 10 cars behind me which I imagine were cursing me and calling me every idiot under the sun, I couldn't reverse so I pressed the button and eventually they just lifted the barrier.

I drove away fast,,scarlet..

I hate the way the Pavilions make you validate your ticket even if you are there less than two hours. The machine at the barrier should recognise this and let you through. Retarded interface design!

jimmymal

Jim_Kiy wrote: »

Crashed a tractor..drove it off the road into a ditch for no reason other than in-attention..was doing about 5mph at the time:)

I nearly did that when i was about 12 or so. taking in the hay at the end of summer in a field . the slowness just bores the life out of you. still find it difficult to drive for long periods of time without being driven to distraction

cloud493

jd wrote: »

I hate the way the Pavilions make you validate your ticket even if you are there less than two hours. The machine at the barrier should recognise this and let you through. Retarded interface design!

I hate the way I've been going to pavillions for 2 years, my job is in pavillions, yet I have no idea where the bathrooms are :P Thats pretty retarded.

TG1

myself and a friend were going out to close all the electric fences in a couple of fields. I had to change into boots so she went out first. I followed her out after, and found her down the bottom of the field with the wire in her teeth trying to get a knot out, and the first question I asked was "is the fence on?" took me quite a while to live that one down!!

fasttalkerchat

Closed the car door on my ****ing head 10 mins ago. it hurts

Steamer

Got up this morning, very tired. Sprayed my perfume under my arms.:cool:

superstoner90

Today I went up to the mechanic to get tyres for my mothers car. so the tyres are bad enough. so on my way up. I thought Lets do some burn offs. So I arrived up to the mechanic anyway and he had no new tyres so il have to drive very slowly the next few days.

lilblackdress

73Cat wrote: »

Not as retarded as some of the things I've previously posted. The other night I was rinsing my mouth with mouthwash, when I absentmindedly blew my nose at the same time. Sprayed mouthwash everywere, started to laugh, and swallowed the rest of it:o

Actually in fits laughing at this.... bloody hate laughing out loud at a computer screen when im on my own goddammit!! :P

44leto

I accidently swallowed the water in the glass that holds my toothbrushes, I was seeing in xrays for a while afterwards.

Sirsok

I decided to go for a swim after work, I get to the beachand notice the crowds in one area so i said **** it and went to swim in the less crowded area....so there I was being a little nemo until I decided to swim ashore, but I realised every stroke I made brought me back, bout ten minutes later the Bondi lifegaurds drove up and megaphoned out I need to come back because its to dangerous, I start flapping frantically , gettin no where when I suddenly felt my feet touched the floor, I had been swimming there not realising I could simply walk back....

sirsok on Bondi rescue coming soon

Deus Ex Machina

When I was about 9 I was waiting for Mommy to collect me from school. Just inside the gates to the school is a bathroom which was open. I was absolutely dying to take a dump, except for some reason instead of walking the ten or fifteen feet to the toilet, I actually consciously decided to take a dump in my underpants. Then when my Mommy arrived I sat down in the back of the car, right on top of the slowly cooling log which had settled heavily in the bottom of my Y-fronts, again, fully conscious of the fact that it was a bad idea.

The stench soon alerted Mommy that something was up it before I ever thought to mention it.

OwaynOTT

Punch myself in the face whilst putting on my tshirt.

Forget to use door handles.

Broke a glass by putting it through the glass in one of the kitchen presses.

Walk on a rotten wooden floor in a old house and fall through.

Cycle into a river.

Get knocked down by my own parents.

Reverse into the garden fence and thought that the fence would give before the car and stayed reversing. Front bumper flew off and smashed the side window of another car.

Fill out my grant form in blue piro and not in BLOCK.

Forgot to bring the bag for life to the shop. Had to buy another.

DonalN

Brushed my teeth with a tube of cortisone for a few days. I was away on hols, and for whatever reason had the specs off each night before brushing - tube looked exactly like the toothpaste one....was blaming the bad taste on dodgy water. One of the lads arrives in holding the cortisone tube - 'ahh..is this what you've been brushing with the last couple of days??' - still hearing about it!

KKkitty

All these happened years ago Was cycling and even though I could feel my shoelaces getting caught in the pedals I still carried on convinced I'd make it to the next railing or wall. Never did.
Was in my old school's PE hall and decided to jump up on the windowsill forgetting how small the windowsill was and broke the window and left an imprint of my bum in the broken window.

hefferboi

One morning I was mad for a breakfast roll and the father wasn't at home so I took the 2nd car(I had no licence) up to the shop. I thought I had money in my account and tried to pay with laser but I was wrong so had to put the food back.

Then went out to the car and it wouldn't start so I did awful panicing. I thought the battery died so I ran home and waited for the father to get home. He lost the plot altogether. I thought he was gonna puck the head off me. He went up to collect the car and when he came home he said it ran out of petrol. I felt like some ape and the car parked outside a garage!

Mickey Lover

Was at the church a few weeks ago for my sons christening and the priest had all the kids on the alter asking them to point to the different figures in the crib. He was asking where were the wise men and I was helpfully saying they were the ones with the gifts. I felt sorry for the priest they were a tough crowd. Then he asked which one was Joseph and trying to help again I said " He's the Daddy" - FAIL

When I was younger my granny gave me a pound (note) at the time and told me to share it with my friend, so I went out showed it to her and ripped it in half


Best one was my husband while we were in a dentist for me to have 4 wisdom teeth removed in Belfast just off the Shankill Rd think red,white,blue kerbs and union jack flags. They were getting me to fill out the consent form and asked him did he want tea while he was waiting. What did he say when the nurse came back with his cuppa - only Go raibh maith agat FFS thought I was going to get them out for nothing :eek:

Snowie

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

Dear ALL,

Now I'm not going to start this thread by giving an account of something retarded I may have done in the past because, quite frankly, I'm a very boring human being with a very bland lifestyle (other than just earlier today when I realised that the chicken eggs we eat are actually unfertilised eggs and the yolk of the egg doesn't actually contain small chicken fetii/ fetuses). Anyway, to continue with the initiation of this most retarded thread, which possible has been created many times before, please give us a splendorous account of the most retarded thing you had the misfortune of doing in your entire life.

Regards,

KP.

I've done lots of retarded things but i try not look at them as retareded, I look at them as a learning experience!

because thats what they are...

Local-womanizer

Not the most retarded thing I have done but still stupid.

I was texting on my touch screen phone today and on the laptop at the same time. I was listening to music on Youtube and the next song came on and it was really loud so to pause the video I poked the laptop screen with my finger thinking it was touch screen.

If anyone was watching I would have looked mental.