What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

Chuck Stone · 01-02-2012 4:25am

Local-womanizer wrote: »

If anyone was watching I would have looked mental.

Pdfile · 01-02-2012 4:39am

i read that cruise ships are like girls...

only the good ones go down...

languagenerd · 02-02-2012 4:17pm

New one!

There's an upward elbow strike in Taekwon-do (basically you bend your elbow and swing your arm upwards so that your fist ends up just above your shoulder) -mid-class, tried to do this - and PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE FACE.

Local-womanizer · 02-02-2012 4:19pm

Chuck Stone wrote: »

Local-womanizer wrote: »

If anyone was watching I would have looked mental.

Or perfectly normal?

Why the hell did they film me?!

no1beemerfan · 02-02-2012 5:02pm

Not things I've done but experienced.

1st off was years ago when we were kids and my brother had a thing for fires. Well one day he found the drums of petrol my father kept in the shed. Think there was two or three. Anyways he got the cans and placed them on the floor of the shed and spilt petrol out of one over the others and made a line of petrol to the back door of the house. The mother caught him looking for the matches to light the line he'd just made. Would've been some bang had he lit it!!

The 2nd one I remember is a few years ago a group of our families hired a cruiser from Shannoncruises and got as far as Athlone. As my brother and myself were berthing it, (he was driving it into the berth and I was waiting to jump off with the rope), the engine cut out so my brother had no way of stopping so we continued up and over the walkway out in the water. Thank fcuk there wasn't a boat parked the other side.

We soon found out our Aunty had turned off the engine as she thought we didn't need it on anymore!

happypants · 02-02-2012 8:11pm

Went to turn off the heating in the hot press/ storage room, the door handle was slightly broken and the door can only be opened from the outside. When you're in there you have to hold the door open with one leg and stretch to reach the switch (or hold the door open with an object, which a smart person might do). When I moved in and I was told this by my housemate and of course I joked "ha better be careful not to get locked in there!!" Yeah I got locked in there on Wednesday night.

After 10mins of trying to escape bear grylls style I knocked the whole door handle off by unscrewing it with a thumb tack I found on the floor but it still wouldn't open. Had to sit there and admit defeat, at least there was a coffee table to sit on until my housemate returned and heard my feeble knocks... 2 hours later! Could have been worse tho, we have a front door that can only be opened if the other person has taken their keys out, thankfully I had! I wish I could say it won't happen again but it probably will...

Note to self: make sure you have your phone in your pocket when turning the heating on/off.

Corkboi · 05-02-2012 1:46pm

happypants wrote: »

Went to turn off the heating in the hot press/ storage room, the door handle was slightly broken and the door can only be opened from the outside. When you're in there you have to hold the door open with one leg and stretch to reach the switch (or hold the door open with an object, which a smart person might do). When I moved in and I was told this by my housemate and of course I joked "ha better be careful not to get locked in there!!" Yeah I got locked in there on Wednesday night.

After 10mins of trying to escape bear grylls style I knocked the whole door handle off by unscrewing it with a thumb tack I found on the floor but it still wouldn't open. Had to sit there and admit defeat, at least there was a coffee table to sit on until my housemate returned and heard my feeble knocks... 2 hours later! Could have been worse tho, we have a front door that can only be opened if the other person has taken their keys out, thankfully I had! I wish I could say it won't happen again but it probably will...

Note to self: make sure you have your phone in your pocket when turning the heating on/off.

Or fix the door....

AngryBollix · 05-02-2012 1:52pm

I had arranged to take a half day on a Friday to go to a concert. (9am to 1)

On the thursday I decided it would be a good idea to go for a few beers. Nothing hectic). After getting a taxi home at 3am it was a good idea to call it a night after a feed of pints.

I duly went home sh1t the bed and called in sick at 12.30pm

Rubberlegs · 08-02-2012 6:00pm

Blaming this one on 9 months of pregnancy brain, swiftly followed by a severe case of baby brain. My eldest daughter was holding my 2 week old, who began to cry not long after having a bottle. " Jesus, she can't be H. U. N. G. R. Y again?", I said. " Mother, she can't spell yet", says eldest:o

Shiner11 · 08-02-2012 7:10pm

Most retarded thing i've ever seen.

When I was younger 10/11, we had a woman in to clean the house and cook the dinner for me and my siblings. (back in the days when it was grand to leave your kids with a stranger). One day she went to flick on the electric kettle. Well it wouldn't come on, presumably because the fuse had gone. So she decides to flick on the gas hob an put the kettle over it. She heads off into join us in the living room to watch TV. A fews minutes later we hear seriously loud hissing noises. We all bolt it out into the kitchen to see that the plastic kettle had melted all over the cooker and water was boiling off.

Seriously though, how retarded do you have to be to not realise that plastic and a naked flame don't get on well together?

08-02-2012 9:23pm

When I was bout 10 or 11 I discovered that if you got a nail and poked it into the top of a small yellow calorgas cylinder you could push down the tab which releases the gas. Thought it would be class if I got my younger brother to light the gas as I pushed in the nail. It was fairly class alright at removing his eyebrows/eyelashes and fringe. Spent about an hour cutting the white singed bits out of his hair thinking mam wouldn't notice.

Around the same time we were putting petrol into our auld stager we used to drive around the fields and I told him to take a sniff of the petrol fumes. When he put his nose up to the drum I squeezed the sides of the drum so he would get a good smell. He tripped balls for a minute not knowing where he was.

happypants · 08-02-2012 9:23pm

Corkboi wrote: »

Or fix the door....

Ah yes. That would probably make more sense. However, that would involve the use of actual tools...

I'm just having a great week, downstairs we have a communal bin area, took the lift down with a bag of rubbish in one hand and a bag containing my lunch for work in the other, bye bye lunch. I put so much effort into that bagel.

Flincher · 09-02-2012 12:44am

At the shop across from work this morning getting a coffee. (Bit hungover and wrecked tired). Took 2 sachets of sugar, emptied them into the hole in the counter bin thingy, threw empty sachets into my coffee. Halfway through pouring my milk I noticed 2 empty sachets floating in my coffee.

Not my finest moment.

gamgsam · 09-02-2012 6:14pm

This isn't the most retarded thing I've done in my entire life. Not even close. However it is very very very retarded and I'm still pissing myself laughing that I actually did this.

I had a meeting planned with the principle investigator of my lab for 16:00 today. I was walking into the lab around 45 minutes before this meeting to get my notebook and just as I got to the door, she came out of the ladies toilet which is just behind my back to the right. She notices me and says "Oh, hi there! Everything set for 4?"

I don't know what the f*ck I was thinking about, but I was deep into whatever it was. I muttered a "Yeah everything fine, yeah" then started racking my brain for the next piece of appropriate conversation. All that came into my mind was her, the jacks and the impulse to say something.

" Err have a good piss?"

I said it. Trailing off at the end as I realised what I was saying. But BAM, I said it.

We met at 16:00 and I just explained I have no idea what I was talking about. I think she was more embarrassed that I brought it up again!

So yeah, awkward times ahead. haha

Sam Vimes · 09-02-2012 8:04pm

Back in college I was working late one evening. I realised I was going to be late for the train so I ran out of the room and down the hall, forgetting that the doors magnetically locked after 6pm and had to be released with a switch. So I face planted into it

Galway K9 · 13-03-2012 5:25pm

Robbed a CD i really wanted from HMV on grafton street, got away with it, so friend and I went on a spree (never shoplifted more than a mars bar before), got loads more CD's, went back in later that day and got caught with 2 CD's. Got arrested, on Grafton street, everyone looking, was mortifying....was only 14, travelled back to galway that night.

thunderdog · 13-03-2012 6:08pm

My gf asked me when we first started going out...."Is it Chinese or Japanese people that live in Thailand?". She is now a secondary school teacher

BR3N · 21-03-2012 12:51am

A couple of weeks ago me and 4 lads are sitting on a wall next to a carpark... Typical Friday night. So we hear the sound of some old on in a car dialling a number on the hands free, the windows are open and the volume is up do we can well hear it. The first time she dials the number it doesn't get picked up, then she tries again. After it beep-beeping for about a minute I turn to my mate and go "Jesus would she not pick the thing up" then the rest of them start pisaing themselves.

Retarded me was thinking that she was just ignoring someone trying to ring her. :cool:

paddyandy · 21-03-2012 12:59am

Got a tv set .

leggit · 21-03-2012 5:57pm

mistaking shaving foam for deoderent......... twice

veryangryman · 21-03-2012 6:01pm

leggit wrote: »

mistaking shaving foam for deoderent......... twice

Replace shaving foam with lube and deoderent for condoms.

Cure emBARESSING results. I wish i was joking

Cuddlesworth · 21-03-2012 6:15pm

Dan133269 wrote: »

No offence, but who leaves a gun and a barrel full of water just lying around when there are children about unsupervised?

Most of the farms in Ireland in the last thirty years.

Sea Sharp · 21-03-2012 6:15pm

Back in 6th class of primary school I was put sitting at the back of the class with my own table due to me distracting anybody that I sat beside.
One morning I was leaning back on my chair. I lost control and started to fall backwards. I grabbed onto the table in an attempt to regain my balance but only succeeded in bringing the table down with me. So the whole class heard a crash and then turned around to see me lying on the floor with my legs in the air with a table on top of me.

rgmmg · 21-03-2012 6:35pm

I'd just emmigrated and started a job in London and got invited to Sunday lunch by someone I worked with. I think they felt sorry for me as I didn't know anyone in London at the time. Anyway, there were about 10 people there and we were all chatting. Everything was fine, with one of their kids (5 or 6 years old) running rampant round the place.

We were then summoned to the table for the meal and I asked could I use the toilet. The guy's wife said "No problem" and brought me down a corridor to the loo. "Thanks" said I. It was only as she headed off I noticed there was some urine already in the bowl so I tried to flush the toilet to no avail. Rather than add to the existing deposit, I whipped out the old boy and decided to go in the sink, at which point the youngster bust in the door (couldn't lock it either).

Sh1tting a brick, I walked back to the kitchen table, whereupon junior buried his head in his mother's lap and revealed to all and sundry "He use sink as toilet" or something to that effect.

44leto · 21-03-2012 6:41pm

rgmmg wrote: »

I'd just emmigrated and started a job in London and got invited to Sunday lunch by someone I worked with. I think they felt sorry for me as I didn't know anyone in London at the time. Anyway, there were about 10 people there and we were all chatting. Everything was fine, with one of their kids (5 or 6 years old) running rampant round the place.

We were then summoned to the table for the meal and I asked could I use the toilet. The guy's wife said "No problem" and brought me down a corridor to the loo. "Thanks" said I. It was only as she headed off I noticed there was some urine already in the bowl so I tried to flush the toilet to no avail. Rather than add to the existing deposit, I whipped out the old boy and decided to go in the sink, at which point the youngster bust in the door (couldn't lock it either).

Sh1tting a brick, I walked back to the kitchen table, whereupon junior buried his head in his mother's lap and revealed to all and sundry "He use sink as toilet" or something to that effect.

Emmm I think there is something wrong with my English comprehension, you would piss in the toilet because there was already some urine in it,,HUH

rgmmg · 21-03-2012 6:54pm

44leto wrote: »

Emmm I think there is something wrong with my English comprehension, you would piss in the toilet because there was already some urine in it,,HUH

If I pissed on top of the other piss, it would have looked worse. As it was, it wasn't completely obvious that there was already piss in the toilet. If someone had come in after I had pissed on the other piss then they'd think I didn't bother flushing. By leaving one coat, I gave myself a fighting chance that they wouldn't realise the underlay was already there. Suppose you had to be there.

superstoner90 · 21-03-2012 10:56pm

rgmmg wrote: »

If I pissed on top of the other piss, it would have looked worse. As it was, it wasn't completely obvious that there was already piss in the toilet. If someone had come in after I had pissed on the other piss then they'd think I didn't bother flushing. By leaving one coat, I gave myself a fighting chance that they wouldn't realise the underlay was already there. Suppose you had to be there.

So instead of pissing in a ulready pissed in toilet. You pissed in the sink?

Captain_Generic · 22-03-2012 12:22am

One would definitely be this time I was at a full-moon themed houseparty. I was walking past a room where a bunch of fine women were putting on face paint, when i noticed two of them looking under the couch for something. So being the gentleman I was I asked them if they needed help. One of them had dropped her phone under and couldn't reach it, so being some kind of herculean white night I put one hand on the couch and one on a table in front of it, to ready me for a manly press-up like lean down to see under the couch. When I had gotten about half way down, my hand on the table, lubricated by the heroic perspiration of a show-off, slipped. Since my arms were pretty much pinned behind me the only option was to attack the ground with my face. Cue an explosion of laughter as they walked out the door, leaving me to lay there bleeding for a few minutes pondering the fragility of life...