What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

Pantsface

when i was 5 on a family holiday to Portugal I jumped into a pool with arm bands on my ankles, was interested to see what would happen

it didnt turn out so good

DaNiEl1994

the odd time i would get confused with simple things,

was having my dinner few chips and chicken poured ketchup into my glass and coke onto my chips, saw the father looking at me across the table "you better ****ing eat that now or go hungry"

lorrieq

Got so drunk at my 18th and was rejected by a girl I had become obsessed with. I don't remember, but apparently I was just sitting around crying my eyes out all night.

And when my friend tried to tell me it's not that bad, I shouted out 'It's terrible, what will I do for material now'. Everyone heard.

PickledLime

I remember being out on the town as you do, was 18 or 19, free and easy. Was in a pub and had an AC/DC tshirt on. Some fantastically gorgeous Swedish lass came over to me and said 'i love AC/DC too, i'd like to talk to you!'. So after a few minutes of talking to her, she admitted that she just about knew who they were and just used it as an excuse to talk to me. Completely bamboozled by this fact, i kind said 'nice talking to ya!', went back to the lads and relayed my total confusion at why some randomer would want to strike up a conversation she knew absolutely nothing about. A few facepalms and clips round the back of the head from the lads later, i worked it out.

Ah, 18 or 19 year old me, you didn't even know you were born yet

smileyj1987

A couple of weeks ago I went on a mad one , woke up the next morning to find me covered in a kebab that I brought to bed and slept on . What makes it worse is the face i also had a knife and fork in bed with me too .

beargrylls93

a few weeks ago i shat on the windscreen of a few airplanes that are parked at the end of my cul de sac in the country , its a skydiving business ! i nearly died when i chatted to them about it the weekend after.

drank about a half glass full of olive oil when i was about 5 i remember my mother (vindictively) told me i could die, i freaked the bean there

dared my little sister to shove a peanut up her nose when she was about 4 and i was about 12 and it blocked something and we ended up waiting in limerick regional for about 7 hours , longest night ever .....

once ran to a bus that was about 3 kilometres away in a little under 13 minutes, by the time i got onto the bus my stomach started to turn from the run and i had to **** on the back seat and rip one seat up to wipe, i joke you not. the bus was empty except for one other person.

went to wales (oakwood) when i was 13 without telling my parents they got so mad when i showed them the pictures

hmmmmmmmmmm im trying to think ..........

had a house party in college last october about 40 or 50 extra turned up and they came with buckets of fireworks which burnt down the stuff in the kitchen, the same night our sitting room door was taken and holes in all the walls , my friend came up and got so lost he slept in the nearby graveyard and had to call his mother to collect him , i lolled

once burnt down half my old house (pre-pvc days) by lighting a small fire in a tin of beans at the side of the house and it caught onto the wood where pvc is nowadays , my father killed me

accidentally tried to stab my babysitter when i was a kid because he sent me to bed and wouldnt let me take my yu-gi-oh cards with me ... at the time the door of the room he had locked me out of was a hollow door and it didnt take too long to get through it with the bread knife .... to this day we have no sharp knives in the house father always thinks its not worth the risk of someone accidentally getting hurt and its over 15 years since

they are all good sober examples of things im embarrassed about anyways

lots of stupid things have been done while drunk but everyone has done them so i dont need to post it anyways ......... except this one time ... at band camp... ah no i cant post that

HoggyRS

when I was a kid my older sister told me that the hazard lights in car were actually a bomb. You pressed the button to turn it on and the clicking noise was the bomb ticking away. She said you'd only have 10 seconds before the bomb went off. Needless to say I **** myself any time the hazards were turned on!

Voodoomelon

My twin brother and I use to bring tupperware style lunch boxes to school when we were 7 or 8, the kind with a semi transparent bottom and a white plastic lid.

Mine was always on a certain shelf in the fridge prepared by our mam, with my brothers on a different shelf. Luck would have it that we also kept several pounds of rashers in a similar lunchbox.

Come lunch time one day, my brother peels open his lunch box to reveal an assortment of our local butchers finest rashers. Stupid twat never copped the fact that his lunch box was about 5 times heavier than it should be.

Needless to say, the entire class of 43 kids heard of it within 10 minutes flat, as did the teacher and the entire faculty of staff. For our essay that week, we all had to write about "The boy who took rashers to school".

pauldla

Late for work, so had a very hurried shower, dressed, and then back to the bathroom to put in my contact lenses. I hadn't been using them long, so it was still a bit of a challenge getting them in.

I got the first one in OK, then went to put in the second. It fell just as I was putting it in. I look down at the sink, and I can't see it. Well, I can't see much of anything, as one eye has perfect vision and the other hasn't. So I feel around the sink for the lense, winking to alternate between the good eye and the bad eye. No joy.

Sh!t. Maybe it's gone down the plug hole. If so, it's gone. Or maybe it fell near the sink. I get down on my hands and knees and spend a few more precious minutes groping semi-myopically around the sink. Nothing.

Now, there is a bin sitting next to the sink. This is a bin used by all five of the lads who share the house, some of whom are quite hairy, and it hasn't been emptied in a while.

Don't tell me it's fallen in the bin.

I look very closely at the surface of the matted hair, tissue, and other crap that is brimming over the edge of the bin, but there is no sign of the contact lense. Boll!x, it must have rolled into it, or something. I carefully start taking sundry bits of loathsomeness out of the bin and feeling them to see if my contact lense is there, that scene from Trainspotting going through my mind all the while.

After a few fruitless minutes I decide, well fcuk this, this is disgusting. I'll wear the glasses and be done with it. I put the crap back in the bin, stand up, wash my hands, and go to take out the first lense.

And when I look in the mirror, there I see the other one, sticking to the side of my left nostril.

mattjack

Tried to turn of the light in my fish tank the other night with the TV remote control.Mrs Mattjack just sat there pissin' herself laughing.

Useful.Idiot

Was casually walking through a sports shop in New York last summer. Non-nonchalantly I walked up to a punching bag just to give it a punch or two, as ya do like when playing with stuff in sports shops.

Broke my wrist.

ChicaneAuto

I just turned down the cushiest job offer I've ever had so I can attend Bruce Springstein on the 17th!

Hey, there wil eventually be another job, but who knows if the E-Street band will ever return to our shores?

ChicaneAuto

I just turned down the cushiest job offer I've ever had so I can attend Bruce Springstein on the 17th!

Hey, there will eventually be another job, but who knows if the E-Street band will ever return to our shores?

Overflow

PickledLime wrote: »

I remember being out on the town as you do, was 18 or 19, free and easy. Was in a pub and had an AC/DC tshirt on. Some fantastically gorgeous Swedish lass came over to me and said 'i love AC/DC too, i'd like to talk to you!'. So after a few minutes of talking to her, she admitted that she just about knew who they were and just used it as an excuse to talk to me. Completely bamboozled by this fact, i kind said 'nice talking to ya!', went back to the lads and relayed my total confusion at why some randomer would want to strike up a conversation she knew absolutely nothing about. A few facepalms and clips round the back of the head from the lads later, i worked it out.

Ah, 18 or 19 year old me, you didn't even know you were born yet

Where you drunk when she approached you ?

smileyj1987

ChicaneAuto wrote: »

I just turned down the cushiest job offer I've ever had so I can attend Bruce Springstein on the 17th!

Hey, there will eventually be another job, but who knows if the E-Street band will ever return to our shores?

Just one thing if you ever go out of work for a long period of time , don't come on here moaning about being un-employed .

ruthloss

I bought a 10 year old second hand Fiat Punto.:(

Hank Scorpio

Calling Eircom expecting them to fix my broadband

Musiconomist

Probably not the most retarded thing I ever did, but...

I was listening to my mp3 last week, on lunch. I was eating a subway at the time. I noticed a strange texture in my mouth as I was chewing. The headphones cord had gone into my mouth while I was lifting the roll to my mouth, and I was chewing them. I made a big mess pulling out the cord as well, as it pulled out half chewed turkey and ham, which looked similar to a fishing line. No bueno.

The headphones still work though.

yizorselves

Dead cat.........black cats

I was young

Musiconomist

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Got married!! :rolleyes: F**k that sh!te, 16 years of my life wasted I'll never get back. Can't get more retarded than that!!!! :mad:

... Da?

Musiconomist

I did once shotgun a coke which a Thai girl had just opened.... without a bottle opener.

Ugh, still cant believe I did that.

mattjack

smileyj1987 wrote: »

Just one thing if you ever go out of work for a long period of time , don't come on here moaning about being un-employed .

Your post and user name really don't go together.

RandomName2

beargrylls93 wrote: »

a few weeks ago i shat on the windscreen of a few airplanes that are parked at the end of my cul de sac in the country , its a skydiving business ! i nearly died when i chatted to them about it the weekend after.

Wat

ChicaneAuto

smileyj1987 wrote: »

Just one thing if you ever go out of work for a long period of time , don't come on here moaning about being un-employed .

Don't worry, I certainly won't, not only would it be a vain effort and a waste of time, I know I brought this upon myself!
I feel good about myself though, I had reservations about the job and it was down to me vs another good candidate who perhaps wanted it more and planned to remain with the company for a long period of time, which I didn't. So hopefully I've made his or her day!

Chuck Stone

Sat down to a delicious home made cheese and ham toastie t'other day, bit into it and screamed when I realised I forgot to put the flippin' cheese in.

civis_liberalis

Chuck Stone wrote: »

Sat down to a delicious home made cheese and ham toastie t'other day, bit into it and screamed when I realised I forgot to put the flippin' cheese in.

So what? You still had a ham toastie...



This thread isn't even close to being retarded enough these days.

(There's something I never thought I'd say)

ChicaneAuto

"a few weeks ago i shat on the windscreen of a few airplanes that are parked at the end of my cul de sac in the country , its a skydiving business ! i nearly died when i chatted to them about it the weekend after."

Can I ask what the hell posessed you to do that, and furthermore, why would you be chatting to them about it afterwards? hahahaha

Chuck Stone

civis_liberalis wrote: »

So what? You still had a ham toastie...

Okay it was only a little bit retarded* but you can't call it a toastie if there's no cheese in there.

The whole point of a ham-and-cheese toastie is the yummy melted cheese effect.

*My completely retarded ones are back that way

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

1ZRed

Not purely retarded but when I was 10, me, my cousin and my uncle where in Spain and one day we decided to go to the PortAventura universal theme park. So we set off walking along the motorway thinking we'd come across it sooner or later.

After about an hour walking we saw the tops of the roller coasters. We thought fūck it, we'll just go over this hill and we're in right?
So we went under and over countless fences with big yellow warning signs on them, passed hissing snake noises as we went through what I can only describe as outback type of terrain. me and my cousin were really nervous.

We managed to get in after 20 minutes of rusty and sharp fence hoping only to be alerted by an ice cream truck that spotted us?
3 guards came speeding and interrogated us. They had no English and we were speaking Irish to each other.

That did NOT go down well! and they got really suspicious and panicky of us. it actually got really heated with them and my uncle and we got carted into the jeep. This was really scary sh/t for two ten year olds btw!

It was only when we arrived at the security place that my uncle decided to show them the pre bought tickets and everything kind of fell into place for them.
Turns out we walked about 3 or so miles in the wrong direction along the motorway:rolleyes:

But at lest I can say I've broken into a theme park now!:D

MrMischief

A friend of mine is renowned for his retardedness and i think its evolved into him playing to the camera now. Two of his best and my favourites were:

1. In an old haunt on Camden st during our college days i met a guy called Alan we both played football with and he was there celebrating his birthday with pals. I went back to the bar and told my retarded friend of my bumping into Alan. My friend then said show me where he is so he could go and say hello and wish him a happy birthday. We went over to where Alan and his mates were and they were huddled around about to do a shot....my retard friend just eh froze and was staring at Alans drink and after what felt like a few minutes of awkwardness Alan offered my pal some of his shot....my pal obliged and then proceeded to snort the sprinkling of salt Alan had on his hand with his left nostrel. We all looked on in ummmm disbelief you could say and Alan slowly nudged the Tequila towards my friend who then looked completely puzzled at this stage so he just took it and threw the whole shot back and handed the birthday boy back his empty glass. "Ok Alan, see ya later" said my friend as we turned towards walking off...my mate then leaned into me and said "you could have fookin told me they were doing tequila and not amphetamines (speed)". So yes, my friend the retard snorted salt in a packed pub on front of me, Alan and his mates. Alan stopped playing football for us shortly after.

2. The aforementioned retard was in a taxi home one night. He got to his road and asked to get out. Paid his money etc and as the car was about to pull off he shouted at the driver to stop as he left his jacket on the backseat. He then remembers a lot of shouting and cursing and "i'm only getting me bleedin jacket" so he has his jacket in hand and runs home in fear of the angry taxi man beating him up. He wakes up the next morning with no jacket but half a seat cover at the end of his bed.

The worst thing i've probably done is saying hello to this retard when i was 4.