What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

nimrod86

I think the most retarded thing I ever did was the time I thought it would be a good idea to play with Detrol (Mix of Petrol and Diesel) around a campfire while on a scout camp.

We had a 5L jerry can of the Detrol with us for use in a chainsaw, and earlier that day one of the leaders had been splashing the odd bit on carefully to keep the fire going in the lashing rain. But in the end the camp was a washout, so the leaders left the site to take the cubs back to the den, and left 4 bored ventures back at the site.

So anyway, there we were, four of us in the food tent, bored, cold, stuffed from eating all the biscuits, and I decided to make the fire bigger like the leader had done! Then, some stupid voice in my head said, make a line of flame, so i poured out the line, and splashed a bit to connect it to the fire, and WHOOSH! small wall of flames, to which the others all cheered.

But, I splashed it too much, and it dripped down the can, hit the flame, and set the plastic can on fire! My first reaction was to feck it away, and it spilled all over the place making more fire, worse still, it landed in under a bush! So I tried to kick it out, and it went into a tent! (luckily it was a Marquee so it didn't have a floor part) and it landed beside the gas canisters we had!

So another guy ran over to kick it away, while another thought he would try put out the flames by pouring water on them, put the Detrol floated and spread further, meanwhile, I realized I could have avoided all this when I put my boot over the top of the jerry can, starved it of oxygen and the flames went out! (Although the cap an threads of it were destroyed!)

So eventually we managed to put the flames out by smacking them with shovels and using the wet mud everywhere to cover them, but for about half an hour, if you stepped in places the flames would come back in your footstep!

So yeah, That takes the biscuit for my most retarded thing (so far... still along time left, will keep you's updated!)

nim

MarkR

Mistook shaving cream for deodorant. Was more amusing than retarded.

anheneti

beargrylls93 wrote: »

a few weeks ago i shat on the windscreen of a few airplanes that are parked at the end of my cul de sac in the country , its a skydiving business ! i nearly died when i chatted to them about it the weekend after.


IIRC the guards were called out about that and it was all over the local press, and you just announced on boards you done it. Now thats retarded.

SocSocPol

I once gave the Labour Party a vote, it was only my 11th preference but shame lives on:pac:

danoriordan1402

Ran the lights( human error - before the days of the nice high traffic lights and there was sun in my eyes.. ) on the link road by the dump entrance in Cork - hit a pikey van side on at 70mph and flipped it over. Man that was me gone full retard that day. All walked away mind..

paddyandy

I bought a TV and fortunately i found another fool to take it away .

Dartz

Fell asleep this morning while stopped at a red light on the way into work.

wexie

......lay on top of a car holding on to the sunroof while my (only slightly) drunk friend drove us home...

Seemed like a perfectly sane thing to do at the time as there wasn't any room in the car. Honda Prelude with 5 people in it already and I'm 6"5 so sitting in a lap wasn't really an option....

Acacia

I have many moments, I'm sure I've blocked most of them out. But here's one...

I was hanging out with my fella, having a lazy day and wanted to throw on his hoodie to keep cosy. Picked it up off the floor, I struggled for ages, trying to get it on, but just figured I couldn't find the neck-hole (not sure if word ) because it was so big... ask the fella for help, and just hear him laughing, "That's a pair of tracksuit bottoms." So I was sitting there for a good five minutes with a pair of kacks on me head. In fairness, they do all look the same when they're crumpled on a heap on the floor.

However, I now must admit I'm as dopey as that priest on 'Father Ted'- "I'm so stupid- I put the pants on me head!"

Northclare

When I was 8 We made a ramp out of a few blocks and long piece of chipboard Tried to jump that ramp on my mums Raleigh 18 only for the "wet chipboard" to break in half.
I went head over the handle bars,and lost a few teeth on the kerb.

Another day I was doing an impression of evil kenevil on my friends griftor.
The chain snapped and I fell onto the crossbar,went down the hill swerved into someone's front window.....

Idjit

Sprayed my hair with what I thought was hairspray.

Went downstairs and looked in the mirror. My hair had gone white. This was the first time that day that I was seeing my own reflection so immediately started panicking that I had woken up with white hair, that my hair had somehow aged years by itself while I was asleep.
Turns out I had sprayed my deodorant on my hair; the can of deodorant being of similar shape and colour to the hairspray can.
My Dad looked like he was going to explode laughing at my dumb struck expression.

J Mysterio

Pupito wrote: »

I washed out my own mouth with soap and water as a child.

Have done this. Teacher told me to.

J Mysterio

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

I counted all points in 7 subjects in the Leaving Cert and went home screaming "I got 440!! i got 440!!" until my brother had a look at them and said "ehhh, you actually got 390, you're only meant to count the best six".



Fcuk it still got the course I wanted.

Have done this also.

podgemonster

This is quite a long story and happened this time last year.

It was a Friday. During lunch,i left my workplace in Dublin with a few lads for a 10 minute stroll to the shops. While queuing in the local spar, i look to my left and saw the birthday card stand and immediately realised that it was my mothers birthday tomorrow. There was a picture of a turtle holding a sack of letters say "Sorry i'm late", i though that was perfect as if i was to buy it twould be Monday before she gets it down in West Cork. I buy the card and continue on my stroll. With the card in hand i saw the Post Office ahead and told my colleagues, I'd join them later.

The Post Office was busy with pensioners. As I queued my eyes wandered again and noticed the one for all vouchers, I thought i might aswell get one of these as I am hopeless at buying presents and wouldn't be home in a while. Eventually I reach the counter, its just me and the post mistress now, a mid thirties dark hard woman with a nice layer of fake tan and a thick Dublin accent.
P: Hi can I get €40 on the voucher
Clerk: Fine, there's a €3 charge on da.
P: What? for what?
Cleck: It just is alright, I don't make the charges
P: Fine, i'l pay by card
Quite clearly at this point we had established a hostility between us and her customer service skills were lacking. I thanked her and with my voucher,stamp, card and a red envelope all needed was a pen to complete the task. I turned and saw one pen dangling on a string by the window.

At the window, I open the card and began writing. Meanwhile a tall blond German man entered the Post Office, late twenties. He was distressed. In a fluster he goes straight to the clerk.
German: Hi, my parents, em, they send me money, i have to get.
Clerk: Wha?
German: My parents in Germany have sent money over here to me for me to collect.
The clerk isn't intuned with his urgency but instead has the enthusiasm of dead hedgehod in a wet cardboard box.
Cleck: Fill out this form here, and we'll sort ya out...
I was listening intently to the scene and was now currently writing on the little card that came with the voucher. The german bounds over to my area and immediately starts testing the other pens as I am sealing the envelope, none of the other pens work. Sweating now he turns to me and booms "Pen, Pen, Pen!!". I hurriedly hand him the pen as i put the stamp on the envelope. With my mind mostly wondering on what predicament this poor guy was in i throw my sealed envelope into the post box. Almost like a scene from the matrix the red envelope hung mid air as it left my grasp, it was then I realised I forgot to write the address on the envelope!!!!

Panic stations! I stood there for a good 10 seconds thinking "what the fúck did i just do". Part of me said "Just forget it, get another card" while another was like "you just threw away €45!!". Another voice said "dont worry, it will return to sender", then i said to myself "no it won't, how can it, you idiot Podge". Eventually I sum up to courage and go back to the wagon behind the counter.
P: Hi again
Cleck: eh yes? (suspiciously)
P: Ya.......i'm after posting the voucher there in an envelope and i didn't write an address on it.
Cleck: You Wha?
P: I'm after posting a letter with no address (it hurt to say it twice)
Cleck: There no address on it!
P: No
The look she gave me then was akin to a look you give someone who just dropped their pants and shat in front of you.
Clerk: Right well theres nothing I can do it.
P: What!!! You're the Post office
Clerk: Ya sorry I don't have the key
P: What! (stunned)
Cleck:I dont have the key for that, there a guy that comes at 4pm and 5.30pm to collect the post and he has the key.
P: When he comes could you get for me, its red envelope (I wouldn't be able to leave work that early)
Cleck: No! No I won't...sure I wouldnt know which letter it is
P: Its the red one with no address on it.
Cleck: Look if you here at 4pm or 5.30, he'll open it for ya?
P: Why would I come back here at 5.30 if he's already collected it at 4pm
(pause)
Cleck: (confused) oh ya, i actually you have to be here at 4.
In my anger I was going to call her a dope but then shes not the one who threw a letter with no address into the post. Dumbfounded, i stood there before Hans brushes past me with his form complete. I leave the Post office.

At 3pm, i head for a cup of tea with lads who get the whole story much to their amusment. One of them describing my conversation with the clerk as "When two idiots collide". Others are convinced that when I return at 4, there will a german guy looking in the post for the letter.

I sneak out of work at 3.50 thinking i'll only be 5 mins. I walking to the Post Office, its busy again. I wander around for a bit before approaching the counter to find a different girl there
P:Hi, has anyone collected the post yet.
Cleck: No, (bewildered), its collected at 4.
It was 3.55 but the way she said it you'd swear I was a week early. Not wanting to look suspicious I waited outside the post office as I walked out i heard the new cleck say to another "I thinks that's yer man". They clearly had been inform of my reatrded action earlier and became "yer man".

Outside it began to drizzle, i was cold and in a tshirt. I just did not want to be in that post office anymore. A post van pulled up and a guy (splitting image of Pat Mustard) started unloading boxes. I smile and nod at him, he looks cautious at me (I later learn he's not here to collect the post) but i continue to make eye contact and then offer him a hand with the boxes to which he tells me to abruptly "No! get away from them". He heads in with a stack of boxes with one eye on me. Inside I hear him talking with the clerks and then I see him looking out and laughing in my direction, they were clearly filling him in. He then heads out gives me a wink and drives off.

Its now 4.30 and eventually a little green van pulls up. The post man approachs looking suspiciously at the soaked, embarrased spiderman-tshirt-wearing young fella leaning by the post box keyhole. I tell him the story and he says again give me a look like i pissed in his cornflakes. He searches for the red envelope and it's there at the bottom of the pile. I thank him, go inside, write the address and post the letter. My mother got the card Tuesday, she liked the voucher but she loved it when I told her the story behind.

Mr Benevolent

<snip>

then don't quote it.

Birneybau

Confab wrote: »

Not wasting my morning reading that. Ten words or less.

And yet you quote the fcuking thing? :mad:

Colmustard

I started smoking, then after about 50 to 80 thousand euro and 25 years I quit with still lingering health problems (nothing major YET:eek:),

Cigarettes are evil.

Mully_2011

One night I was walking home pissed anyways I come across a pushbike and spend half an hour trying to hotwire the thing.

paddyandy

Bought a TV but found a fool who took it .

fasttalkerchat

Mully_2011 wrote: »

One night I was walking home pissed anyways I come across a pushbike and spend half an hour trying to hotwire the thing.

One of the lads phones me one night pissed and says he's in mcdonalds 5 mins walk away and do i want anything. Delighted i tell him my order.

After nearly an hour still no sign. Given that it was mcdonalds on oconnell street I take a walk down to check he's ok. I found him trying to put a euro into a Dublin Bikes stand.

AllWasWell

I was at oxegen a few years ago and one morning I was brushing my teeth with a bottle of water I had brought with me..when i was brushing there was a really weird taste in my mouth but i just thought the toothpaste was really strong..turned out it was a bottle of vodka, i poured it into a spare water bottle coz we weren't allowed to bring in glass! could not get the taste out of my mouth for hours

mauzo

AllWasWell wrote: »

I was at oxegen a few years ago and one morning I was brushing my teeth with a bottle of water I had brought with me..when i was brushing there was a really weird taste in my mouth but i just thought the toothpaste was really strong..turned out it was a bottle of vodka, i poured it into a spare water bottle coz we weren't allowed to bring in glass! could not get the taste out of my mouth for hours

Oh god I have a few from oxegen alone. Definitely not the most retarded but just stupid things Ive done!

Theres photos of me all over my friends facebooks falling off a chair and into my tent.

Photos of me sitting on the ground, about a foot away from my tent having a wee with a smoke hanging out of my mouth :eek:

Also photos of me going around with free shag written on my face. That was pure retarded.

Twisted my ankle, had to get carried off in a stretcher and get my wellies cut off because my ankle was so swollen. I ended up with an ice pack and some pain killers.
Lying in the tent later that night and I shouted out to the other tents that its fooking raining again. They were like eh no its not!
Turns out I left my ice pack on top of my tent before i got in

Every time Gard walked near us Id bounce an apple of their head, no reason behind that at all....I just thought it was hilarious!

Decided to spear my friend out of it and have a mud wrestle, theres pictures of security tearing me off her because he thought I was killing her!

emschlem

Princess Peach wrote: »

I don't think I'm allowed to post his name.

Like PP, I couldn't post his name could I?

Colmustard

I bet my brother I would swim further out to sea then he would, I did, but we are both lucky there was a lifeguard on duty and then the bollicking we both got from our father.

I still won though.

rob w

When I was a kid, probably around four or so,( can't remember what age but I can remember the day clearly), I had just learned the alphabet and was so proud that I thought I'd let the whole road now.

So I walked out of the house, picked up a nice sharp stone and found a lovely blank canvas to write on. The blank canvas happened to be the bonnet of my neighbours brand new Volvo. Just as I finished carving the entire alphabet, with my signature at the end, I see my neighbour charging out of the house screaming at me.......some leg it into the house and hide behind the couch where my parents are sitting, completely oblivious to what's gone on outside!

So after a few minutes of assessing the damage, the doorbell rings, my neighbour was not impressed with my knowledge of the alphabet apparently! My parents weren't to happy either, I'm got a good smack on the arse that day, but at least we can all laugh about it these now!!

Eden3

Went to an old school friend's wedding years ago .... met a LOVELY charming man! I had bought an expensive dress, fab shoes + little hair thingy ....(it matters!) Anyway after champagne on the "lawn", dins with wine on tap, after dins drinks ...... wait for it .... he asked me to take a stroll outside (pitch dark)!

So we did .... arms linked (looking beautiful + hansome respectively) .... kissing passionately ... walking ... kissing passionately again .... walking ..... and then we both fell into a Storm Drain ... rank, sewery, foul smelling water about 6 feet down .... last thing I remember saying is "I CANT SWIM !!!" - he did save me, fair play to him!:eek:

Have a half moon scar on bridge of my nose for last 8 years .....! You have to laugh though ..:D

RUCKING FETARD

Eden3 wrote: »

So we did .... arms linked (looking beautiful + hansome respectively) .... kissing passionately ... walking ... kissing passionately again .... walking ..... and then we both fell into a Storm Drain ... rank, sewery, foul smelling water about 6 feet down .... last thing I remember saying is "I CANT SWIM !!!" - he did save me, fair play to him!:eek:

Have a half moon scar on bridge of my nose for last 8 years .....! You have to laugh though ..:D

lol, it just comes outta nowhere.

Marty McFly

A few months ago was going on date with this girl was a 2nd date so had got over the first date hurdle,said we would go the cinema, so I wake up hungover brain a bit dead and book the tickets online, get there all going Well film about to start when this couple come up and say your in our seats, I'm adamant I'm in the right seats usher comes up takes a look at both tickets then with a smile on his face says to me your in the right seats alright but your three days early. Swear I didn't feel special sitting there with my date looking at me made a quick exit and of coarse blamed it on there faulty internet booking service.


Oh and when I was five I done a there's something about Mary and caught my manhood in my fly and had to go to hospital to get it eh free, while in Wales on holiday.

phill106

Marty McFly wrote: »

Oh and when I was five I done a there's something about Mary and caught my manhood in my fly and had to go to hospital to get it eh free, while in Wales on holiday.

So THAT is where you got your nickname!

watermark

not me but my father....

mid 80's after a nice few scoops he only has enough money for a chip + sausage or a taxi home. decides to get food. while walking back he sees an atm and goes to take out money and get a taxi too! really spoil himself!

he places his food on the atm.....enters the pin wrong 3 times....and a shutter came down over the atm and his food! he walks home hungry!