What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

Cheeky_gal

Genghiz Cohen wrote: »

It comes cut...

Shut up Cohen, you know exactly what I mean :mad:

hoorsmelt

Pulling an all nighter for a college exam in the canteen. Had no work done, and myself and the housemate decided to bring in the kettle so we could have coffee to help us study. The result? We couldn't walk straight for the caffeine shakes by 8 o clock the next morning and we both fell asleep in our exams. Still passed it though, God only knows how.

ilovefridays

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Shut up Cohen, you know exactly what I mean :mad:

I know what you mean, cos ive done this before. myself and the OH would like different toppings, so we'd ask for whatever toppings id want and whatever toppings he wanted on the other half of the pizza. works out cheaper too then having to buy 2 x 9inch pizzaas.;)

they do the half and half in dominos http://www.dominos.ie/menu/

ilovefridays

a couple of years ago i was making an appointment with my local hairdressers. i rang and asked 'can i make an appointment please with Steve for saturday' and the girl on the phone asked, and what are you having done, i said 'id love a wash and blo-job':o

there was silence for a second , then i realised what i said Fair play to her she contuined on, and said 'no problem whats the name', i made up a name and hung up. i had to get my friend to ring back for me 10 mins later to make the appointment for me, in case the girl recognised my voice. i was scarlet.

P.S i never did get the Blo job in the end, he just gave me a wash and blow dry...:mad:

BizzyC

ilovefridays wrote: »

I know what you mean, cos ive done this before. myself and the OH would like different toppings, so we'd ask for whatever toppings id want and whatever toppings he wanted on the other half of the pizza. works out cheaper too then having to buy 2 x 9inch pizzaas.;)

Not if you still end up buying two pizzas....

Borat_Sagdiyev

Y'know those scenarios where you're not supposed to laugh, but it's because of this that you laugh even more?

I was in my last ever college exam. I had, thankfully, finished the paper, but it was in the last 10 minutes so I couldn't leave the room. It was a small room with about 30 people in it, so there's no way I could have gotten away with it.

Basically, I started giggling at nothing, the kind of muffled, silent laughing. A good mate of mine was the next seat over, so he heard me, and this started him off as well. I would settle down and be grand, then all of a sudden I would hear him and I would be off again. I was pinching myself and everything trying to stop, to no avail.

I put my head down on my arm on the table but I was still shaking, and the invigilator thought I was crying, so she came down and asked if I was alright. This, of course, set my mate off altogether, and of course me after it.

I couldn't get out of that room fast enough - and what started it? Absolutely nothing. Cringe.

jimmy_t

A guy i used live with, complete idiot, bit of an alcoholic too, came home one night absolutely out of his tree to find he had forgot his keys and the house was empty, so he decided in his delerium to climb the drainpipe and get in the window upstairs which had been left slightly ajar. He managed this feat despite his inebriation god knows how cos he couldnt do it sober, got in the window, sauntered through the bedroom, went downstairs and made himself a cup of tea before falling asleep on the couch. ...Only to be woken by the cops kicking the **** out of him on said couch, he hadnt been in the house too long so he didnt notice he was climbing in the window of the attached house beside, or did he notice the woman in the bed as he walked through her bedroom, or that everything in the house was reversed!!! He was carted off to a cell til he could explain himself properly and the neighbour realised who he was and decided not to press charges! Wine and chocolates the next day helped a bit, didnt live there too long though!!!

Demonique

Pupito wrote: »

Had a momentous brain-fart as a seven-year-old. I judged my bladder was full, so instead of going to the toilet I walked out to the kitchen, lifted up the bin-lid and peed in there. I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing until my father walked in and clipped me round the ear.

I caught my father pissing in the bathroom sink once

Big Nasty

Demonique wrote: »

I caught my father pissing in the bathroom sink once

What?

You mean you don't piss in the sink?:eek::eek::eek:

Demonique

dory wrote: »

When I was 12 I broke my arm trying to stop a car rolling down a hill and into a wall by placing myself between the wall and the car.

When I was working for Irish Ferries in 1996 there was this annoying little **** called Kevin. Luckily I didn't have to put up with him for long because the little frakker had the flu so he was taken by taxi to the doctors. Anway, the taxi started rolling down the hill, he ran behind it to try and push it back up the hill and it ran him over. We didn't see him back for weeks.

He was a bit of a mentaller to be honest, after the ship sailed from Ireland news came on the radio that there was trouble in Belfast due to tensions between Catholics and the Orange Order. He was whinging about being stuck on the ship because he wanted to get back to Belfast to kick the **** out of Orange Men.

He lied about his age as well, was only 17 when you're supposed to be 18. Apparently his father was serving a 25 year prison sentence because of involvement in the IRA


Anyway, last I heard of Kevin was he got in trouble for shooting out the window of a hotel in Dublin with an airgun

Gneez

Doing 70mph on the dual carriageway on my motorbike in the night, its raining and decided the spotlights up the front of the bike needed adjusting, couldn't take my hands of the handlebars so decided to adjust them with my feet, 5 minutes of extremely dangerous high speed acrobatics ensued and after nearly killing myself for the third time in 5 minutes I gave up.

Also sticking my finger into a flywheel and having it bent at a 30 degree angle for 5 years.

Also drinking a litre of weedkiller.

Also attempting to burglarize a house while ****faced on aprils fools day, and making off with some spices from the kitchen, a used lightbulb and some toilet paper then making a load of gardai chase me across the suburbs on foot while still grasping my ill gotten booty of rosemary and bog roll, then making some retarded excuse about merely going for a stroll and needed to take a **** in the bushes (or something) spent the night in the cells anyway.

And also signing up to a sociology course and expecting to learn something useful instead of the rantings of a feminazi.

yupyup7up

duct taped my wellies to my legs at oxegen last year. 3 days they were on, ended up with manky festering wounds after it. Kinda lucky they didnt get badly infected and didnt scar badly!

Laika1986

When i was about 17 my parents were bringing my brother to Dublin so i had a stash of empty skins packets etc that i want to burn and get rid of. So i thought i'd have a bit of craic doing it so i poured a drop of petrol into the dogs bowl to burn everything. Unfortunately I knocked the tin over when it was on fire and set the little drum(the ones you get for a lawnmower) on fire so i just moved it away from the house and let it burn! Ruined loads of the grass and then my parents arrived home as my brother was offered a lift at the petrol station by his mate. I didn't even get that much a bollocking i think my parents were more concerned about having me committed!

Kintarō Hattori

Gotten my head trapped in a revolving door. :pac:

keano_afc

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Gotten my head trapped in a revolving door. :pac:

Was it in Dail Eireann by any chance??

Kintarō Hattori

keano_afc wrote: »

Was it in Dail Eireann by any chance??

Ehhhh... :eek:

cat_rant

Well That last post made me laugh! ^_^

When I was 16 my first job was as a waitress. I slipped coming down the stairs to the upperdeck and me and all the plates I was carrying slid down the lenght of the stairs. As I went down feet first my skirt came right up to my bum and I ripped a seem.

Talk about Red faced I also had a red arse!

CD.

when i was 14 or so i was getting the bus into and out of town. my sister told me to get the exact same bus that i got in, so i took her literally and got on where the bus dropped me off. ended up in some industrial estate type area.
rang my dad for help, "whats around you?" "ehh...trees...and buildings..."
fair play to him finding me.

i was trying to burn one of those plastic rings that are around bottle necks that i had found, picked it up with a pair of tongs so it wouldnt burn quickly/burn me. after about a minute or so i got bored as it wasnt burning, so i put it on the counter, a second later i went to pick it up, it stuck to the webbing between my thumb and forefinger. turns out it was metal. which i probably would have found if i had of picked it up first.

went into the ocean when drunk, destroyed two phones i had in my pocket.
really just glad i didn't drown.

Klair88

me and mates went in on some green, a nice amount so we said we'd roll a fatty to get us all cabbaged, rolled a tulip http://www.weedfarmer.com/joint_rolling/tulip/tulip-joint.htm with the plastic part of a pen to inhale, put the pen too far into the tulip and smoked lovely plastic for 5 mins. Didnt notice the black smoke stream from the end and all 4 of us coughed our black lungs up. From then on i substitute the plastic pen with a 3skinner! Much better.

loopyloulilly

Went to college.

Nolanger

Walked around the city all day, street after street, because special branch were following me. Loved wasting people's time!

languagenerd

I have these shoes with ridiculously long laces and had em tied in long loops. While running across town cause I was late, I somehow managed to put my right foot through the loop of laces of my left shoe. Realised halfway across O'Connell Street that my ankles were TIED TOGETHER and the knot was getting tighter with every step. Had to hop my way across and the lights were on yellow too - praying that I'd get across before they went red!

Try explaining why you're late with "Sorry, I tied my ankles together and it took ages to untie them... You know yourself, sure." :P

Must've looked interesting to passers-by and tourists...

ArtyM

Many years ago on a sunny day at College following a few afternoon Bulmers and ice in the college bar was playin frizbee in the grounds while many other students lazed around on the grass relaxing.
I spotted a friendly looking dog coming over the bank and in my jovial, half cut, mood I tried to get him to play fetch.
As I stood there making throwing motions with the frizbee and loudly(was half cut) shouting "here boy-fetch, cmon fetch" I failed to notice the blind owner of the now obvious-to-everybody-but-me-guide-dog also coming over the bank behind the dog.
Not many of the people watching saw the funny side.
Thank fook those dogs are well trained!
Not a proud moment for me.

Derfil

Came out of a nightclub drunk and hopped into the back of an unmarked squad car thinking it was a taxi and told them my address and that I was tired and requested they take me there in a hurry.

brummytom

Copied from an old post of mine:

Last year, I was dragged down to Bristol by my mate to audition for an E4 show, 'Skins'. After a few hours travelling (with an annoying delay); we got down to Bristol station.

Now we knew what bus to get, we just didn't know where to get it from. We walked left out of the station towards the main road and looked at a few of the bus stops. None of them, however, had the number bus that we needed.

So we cross the road to the other side to see if it's there. Nope. Not there. But there was a board with a map of all the bus stops in the area and what buses stopped there. Finally, we found the one we needed. We were on Temple Gate Road, Near Clarence Rd and needed to get to Approach Rd.

We looked everywhere for this road, but just couldn't find it. Eventually, we ended up about a mile away at a petrol station. "Ask in here where it is, he'll know". Going up to the counter, we asked the man behind where this road was. "Approach Rd? I'll have a look" he said, in a thick farmer accent.

He spent 10 minutes scouring the A-Z, but had no luck. It wasn't there.
"Where do you need to get to?" he asked.

"Bristol Grammar School, I think it's a fair way from here" my mate replied.
He told us that further down the road, opposite the train station was a row of bus stops that would have our bus on. We knew there wasn't, because we'd already been there, but we said thank you and left.

We got back to where we started at the map. "I don't get where this Approach Road is" I said. I think at that point, both my mate and I realised we'd been completely stupid. "It's not a road name, it's an instruction isn't it?" We eventually found the bus stop - it was within yards of the train station, and we'd completely walked past it.




To be fair, everyone we spoke to was equally retarded trying to help us find Approach Rd

Jigglypuff

Was 18 and left home alone for few weeks for the first time while I was working and the family went off on holiday to France. (Oh responsibility )
Third night in I check the doors are locked, lights off, all that good stuff.
Wake up the next morning, rushing off to work trying to find the key to the front door.
I look everywhere then give up and figure I'll have to get the spare key from the neighbour.
As I leave the house and close the front door behind me what do I find, but the key, in the keyhole.
So basically I'd given an open invitation to burglars to come on in during the night! Smart!
If my parents knew about that I'd never be left alone again hehe.

QuinnC88

Summer 2007 or 2008, on the bus on the way up to Scream Teenage Disco in Dublin with a load of people from my town, after about an hour into the journey I had the bright idea to swallow 5 e's and have a competition to see who can drink the most from their bottle of Jagermeister and from that point on cant recall a thing that happened after!!..only waking up in a wheelchair in Beaumont Hospital dazed and confused as ****.Get up walk to the bathroom, washing my hands, look in the mirror, huge bandage around my head...Hosptal got through to my Mother and she drove up from Tipp nd collected me at 5 in the morning!..Apparently by the time i got to the entrance of the disco i had passed out, they brought me into the medical room and had me laying face down in the middle of the floor for half an hour before an ambulance came and carted me away.While in Beaumont i had woken up in a room started freaking out with the nurses, went to make a run for it, musnt of made it far, cos i ended up bouncing the back of my head of a counter and now have a nice 6 inch scar for all to see!:D

Nothingbetter2d

came back to ireland

Pdfile

i once got so high that i sat in dollymount strand from about 5 in the evening to about 3 am pondering lifes wonders...

i was 12 and my folks weren't happy.

randylonghorn

Not me, but a friend of mine growing up, we were about 16 I suppose ...

Were at something or other in the local parish hall (heart of the country) and the loos were too small and there was always a queue, so he does what we always did and slipped out the back door for a piss. Points it at the ditch, mid-piss he hears girls' voices coming round the corner of the hall so he takes a step forward into the ditch to be more discreet .... and jams it straight into a clump of nettles!

Spent the rest of the night fidgeting and getting very strange looks while the rest of us laughed our holes off (sympathetic buggers that we were! )

A couple of weeks later, back in the same hall, a few of us slip out the back door for the same purpose, but this time he hops over the wall at the side of the hall and into the neighbouring field and strolls out into the middle of it before taking the hose out on the basis, as he loudly announced, that there would be no f-ing nettles there.

Next thing we heard a roar like a bull calf that had just been introduced to the bloodless castrators.

What he didn't realise is that the farmer had strung an electric fence across the field to divide it, and he had proceeded to piss straight on it!!

That story even found its way into the best man's speech at his wedding, under the guise of a pious hope that nothing had been permanently damaged ... >_>