ex wants guardianship

LegacyUser

HI I am a mother of two gorgeous babies.

Myself and my ex split up 6mths ago when the youngest was one month old since then he hasn't played a proper part in there lives even do it has broke my older child's heart she is 3 and a daddy's girl I have spent a lot of nights and days with her in tears for him.

He didn't pay maintenance up until two weeks ago when the court ordered it, he hasn't called down for over 3weeks or txt and I have given up ringing his phone as he hangs up on me, At the start i used to ring and txt begging him to come see them I have hundreds of messages stored asking him to or messages telling him he is good dad.

He never came to the youngest christening or the oldest birthday or phoned for it or 1st day of school yet he tells people in his hometown I am stopping him seeing his kids. I wont leave the kids up to his homeplace as the guards had to get the oldest and my car keys from the grandmother a few months back after she locked her in the house and also because the grandmother is a very destructive influence who tells the three year old mammy is bold, dont feed ye, wash ye etc etc tells her she can do whatever she wants shows her how to bully other kids or their pet dogs and fills my daughter up with bag lots of sweets.

Also my daughter is now afraid of her paternal grandmother after she taking her and cries if she thinks she is going near there. Yet my ex has told me that he wont have anything to do with d kids until his mother can see them. The couple of times he has came down over last six months (less than 10) he hasn't once stayed more than 40mins and he has not once phoned our eldest in that time. Now he is looking for access to b allowed to bring the child to his mothers house (where he will drop the children and go away leaving them with his mother and return only to drop them home.

I know this because he walked out 5 times lasting between 3weeks and 3mths since the 3year old was born and this is what he done anytime he had her in those times but this time he has shown no interest, last times he would come at least once per week). my ex is petitioning for access and guardianship which in any other case i would believe in but unfourtantly my ex has expressed no interest in the kids and just wants to please his mum who is pushing for all of this, left to him he would just forget them but with his mum its all about winning.

She has went around telling propel I have tried to kill the kids, I am a bad mother , the kids are hungry, i sleep around, that kids will be with her their rightful owner! (they not dogs!!:( ). My kids are absolute dotes and have been my life for last while so I dont think im bad mother and most definatly havnt been around(where would i get the time.lol) or starving them but it hurts to hear what people are being told. and he is really missing out but is to selfish to care the baby cries when she sees him because he has started screaming at me the few times he has came.

I have all the contact with my ex plus the guard report from the time the oldest was taken on file. does anybody know what my exs chances of guardianship are? If he was interested in the kids and treated them right and had tried to have a full an meaningful relationship with them this wouldn be an issue i would love him to have guardianship but as it stands thats not the case an i dont think its in my kids best interest,

How hard is even a regular visit for two hours r so 2 per week plus a phone call every now an then from him??? dont get me wrong id love him to have a hell of a lot more contact then 4hrs a week but even that would b a start. sorry for prattling on just trying to give a full picture here as wheather he will b appointed guardianship is kinda unclear to me!! EVERY CHILD DESERVES PARENTS WHO LOVE THEM BUT NOT EVERY PARENT DESERVES CHILDREN WHO LOVE THEM!!! some parents dont realise how lucky they are or how you can never replace lost time

rolly1

Before going to court every parent is supposed to check out the option of an alternative non-court route. I would make a written request that he attends mediation to sit down with a trained mediator prior to him going to court to try and sort out these issues with yourself. This is a free service for married and unmarried couples and can be found here

I would also recommend getting in contact with a support group such as this one for yourself.

Good Luck
R

angelfire9

I would say firstly that there is a difference between guardianship and access and maintenance issues

Have a look here:
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/unmarried_couples/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples.html
Extract:

If you are a guardian of a child in Ireland, you have a duty to maintain and properly care for the child and you have a right to make decisions about the child's religious and secular education, health requirements and general welfare.

Access and Maintenance are related issues but separate issues and it seems from your post that it the access that is causing you concern more than anything else it is the paternal grandmother that you are worried about

Personally, I can't see this being sorted without a visit to court
(you may be entitled to free legal aid?)

If I was in your shoes I would go to court and grant the guardianship without any argument but I would seek either supervised access for your children's father with his mother OR have the court order his mother to stay away from the kids during their father's access (option 2 is NOT LIKELY to succeed imho)

The bottom line as most people would see it is that the children have the right to know and spend time with both parents

You are in a horrible position OP and I wish you luck with it!

January

OP firstly contact these people - http://www.treoir.ie/

Then contact these people - http://www.flac.ie/

If you're on a low income, then you could be entitled to free legal aid. You need a solicitor in court. They're the best ones to fight your case for you.

Access and guardianship are two seperate things, guardianship just means that your ex can partake in decisions of what school to send your children to, what religion they will be etc. At this stage he is unlikely to be granted overnight access to your children because they don't know him that well anymore, you can request supervised access through your solicitor. Keep all records of texts/conversations (take down important information as soon as you can after the event happens in a notebook, date and time it. Save the texts in your phone, or to a computer if you can).

The Corinthian

I get the impression that there's a lot of emotional stuff going on between you and your ex. For example, your parting, capitalized, comment seriously reeks of vindictiveness - and no doubt he is doing the same. You're laying down the law about his mother, so he responds in kind by refusing to comply. When this sort of thing happens you can end up with both parties becoming intransigent, unwilling to compromise and increasingly belligerent.

He probably feels that he has been screwed around on access and rights, just as you feel that you've been screwed around on maintenance. As a result, you brought him to court for the latter and so he now wants to pin down the former in the same manner.

TBH, unless there is a very good reason not to (you say you have a Garda report, but have no idea how serious this is), he will get guardianship if he applies for it in court, even against your wishes. On this basis, I would probably offer to cooperate on this if he agrees to going to mediation with you, pointing out that this way you can agree upon boundaries and mutual rights.

planetX

He will get guardianship.
Access it what you need to get legal advice on.

wolfpawnat

Guardianship is something both parents should have, especially if he has access to his children it means if (god forbid) they needed medical care while with him.

It also means a parent cannot just up and leave with the child without the other parent knowing.

If he is a big enough part of their lives that he is paying maintenance then I don't blame him for wanting guardianship. Dads should get a bit of a say if they are paying money for the child!

metrovelvet

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Guardianship is something both parents should have, especially if he has access to his children it means if (god forbid) they needed medical care while with him.

It also means a parent cannot just up and leave with the child without the other parent knowing.

If he is a big enough part of their lives that he is paying maintenance then I don't blame him for wanting guardianship. Dads should get a bit of a say if they are paying money for the child!

He who pays the piper calls the tune?

You think that even for dads who pay maintenance and never even met the child?

metrovelvet

Sorry OP why didnt he ask for guardianship when he was in court and had the chance to do it?

wolfpawnat

metrovelvet wrote: »

He who pays the piper calls the tune?

You think that even for dads who pay maintenance and never even met the child?

Since there are less of them that the fathers who know what their children look like, we have to go with the majority, not the minority!

metrovelvet wrote: »

Sorry OP why didnt he ask for guardianship when he was in court and had the chance to do it?

They are 2 different matters, the court only deals with ceertain matters in any one day!

metrovelvet

I believe you have to protect the minority as well. You cant sacrifice people's children to a generalised ideology.

OP-if this is the system, as warped as it is, give up your maintenance. The fact is if he has an access order he can leave the kids with the post man if he likes during his access time.

He obviously doesnt want to see the kids so dont make him. You cant force someone to love someone else even if it is their children.

senordingdong

Sounds like he's been trying to fight you in a passive agressive way.
It's possible he wants to be a good father but is resentful of how laws here favour mothers.
He could see your guardianship as a manifestation of these unjust laws and is trying to take his anger out on you, in a passive agressive way as I said.

Sleepy

Since your problem seems to be more with your ex's mother than he himself why not deal with them separately? Give him his guardianship whilst getting a restraining order against his mother forbidding her from coming near the kids based on her attempted abduction of your daughter in the past?

Might not be do-able but it's certainly an avenue worth exploring imho.

If it's possible, any restraining order should then be taken into account in the area of access.

A more positive means of going about things might be to let his mother know she's welcome to visit her grandchildren on your terms: either at your home or a local playground etc.

Nevyn

It is very hard to get a restraining order when you have not been living with the person and it's even harder when you are applying on the behalf of a minor.

metrovelvet

Sleepy wrote: »

Since your problem seems to be more with your ex's mother than he himself why not deal with them separately? Give him his guardianship whilst getting a restraining order against his mother forbidding her from coming near the kids based on her attempted abduction of your daughter in the past?

Might not be do-able but it's certainly an avenue worth exploring imho.

If it's possible, any restraining order should then be taken into account in the area of access.

A more positive means of going about things might be to let his mother know she's welcome to visit her grandchildren on your terms: either at your home or a local playground etc.

That wont work. He can leave the child with whomever he wants during his access time.

If OP has evidence of the badmouthing she can claim parental alienation by the grandmother. However, parental alienation is not in the dsm iv and is still a flimsy claim by many standards so it might not work but it's worth a shot. Saying that, if she has evidence of the bad mouthing she might sue for whatever the new name for slander is, I cant remember.

Its a pity it will get to the level where the court scene is about character assassination and you are signing up for a win lose paradigm.

In these situations the paternal grandmothers can get both defensive and agressive because their situaitons with their grandchildren are so precarious. If you think about it, your mother will walk into your house and feel quite free to express her opinions on child rearing but she most likely would not do that in her daughter in laws house. Its a totally different dynamic, they have no power whatsover. This does not justify what either your ex or his mother are doing, its sneaky, subversive, and down right awful, but it might explain it.

Sleepy

Thaedydal wrote: »

It is very hard to get a restraining order when you have not been living with the person and it's even harder when you are applying on the behalf of a minor.

Even when the grandmother has attempted to abduct* the child in the past?

*might not be exactly what happened but that's how any decent lawyer would spin it.

metrovelvet

Sleepy wrote: »

Even when the grandmother has attempted to abduct* the child in the past?

*might not be exactly what happened but that's how any decent lawyer would spin it.

Sorry Sleepy, I had to go back and read the OP again. If the event happenned during the court ordered access time it is not abduction because the father chose to leave the kids with her.

However locking up a child imo is child abuse. On second thought, I think there is case there for a barring order or whatever it is for non residential abuses.

pokerman123

at the wnd of the day the court will deside the best interests of the child and childs welfare if you are not marrid hes opsions are limited as unmarrid farthers are not truely reconised by courts a lot of people mix up the diffrence between access and joint custody joint custody gives you more say in your childs lifes . the one thing i will say if its possible and that is try and sit down and talk about how its efecting the children and there lifes and try and come to some aggrement that can then be enforced by the courts iam a single farther my self with joint custody of my children but get on with my ex well and the children do well out of it as they dont see all the arguments ect he must alsow stand up and be a dad and think of the of all the joy and fun watching them grow up well good luck and i hope all terns out well for you both .