Humorous Smartass Replies (Help Wanted)

JohnnyBananas

Hi All,

I’m putting together a list of witty remarks one can say in response to things that can come up in everyday conversation. They may be the kind of remarks that may not necessarily be funny when they are written on paper, but can get a chuckle when said in real life.

If anyone has any contributions, they are more than welcome. Thanks in Advance for all Responses.

1. Here’s one I heard on the Simpsons:
Marge: “It’s easy to criticise, Homer”
Homer: “And fun too!!!”

2. Another one from the Simpsons:
Man 1 says to Man 2: “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
Man 2 puts his hand on Man 1’s hand and says “I hope so!!!”

3. Here’s one I saw on Bottom
Eddie asks Ritchie: “How do you feel?”
Ritchie pretends he’s feeling up a woman and says “I get my hands and I go like that!”

chin_grin

"If I wanted my own come back, I would've wiped it off yore ma's chin."

Good enough for you?

AnonoBoy

"So's your face!"

/thread.

chin_grin

AnonoBoy wrote: »

"So's your face!"

/thread.

"So's yer ma!"

/thread /thread.

Pompey Magnus

The word Boobies. Funny in any situation.

"Did you get that email I sent?"
"Boobies"

"What time is it?"
"Boobies"

"Where the hell is that report I asked for 3 days ago?"
"Boobies"

"Sir, do you realise we clocked you driving 140 km/h in a 80 km/h zone"
"Boobies"

Seriously, its comedy gold.

bonerm

"I am rubber you are glue."

"Takes one to know one"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

/internet

AnonoBoy

chin_grin wrote: »

"So's yer ma!"

/thread /thread.

Sosie was my ma's name. How'd you know?

AnonoBoy

Pompey Magnus wrote: »

Seriously, tits comedy gold.

.

chin_grin

bonerm wrote: »

"I am rubber you are glue."

"Takes one to know one"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

/internet

"How appropriate, you fight like a cow."

ejmaztec

Have you got a match?

Yeh, your face and my arse.

bonerm

chin_grin wrote: »

"How appropriate, you fight like a cow."

"Oh yeah?"

Snakeblood

Up yours you bignosed bastard.

chin_grin

bonerm wrote: »

"Oh yeah?"

"Look behind you, a three headed monkey!"

fonecrusher1

"Your mouth smells of cock"

bonerm

chin_grin wrote: »

"Look behind you, a three headed monkey!"

"I'm selling these fine leather jackets"

De Dannan

From Blackadder Goes Forth (set in WW1)

General Melchet (while looking down at a map)
"God its a barren featureless desert out there"

Blackadder "other side sir"

mikom

JohnnyBananas wrote: »

Hi All,

I’m putting together a list of witty remarks one can say in response to things that can come up in everyday conversation. They may be the kind of remarks that may not necessarily be funny when they are written on paper, but can get a chuckle when said in real life.

Does my ass look big in this this?

Reply: Not as big as your font size

chin_grin

bonerm wrote: »

"I'm selling these fine leather jackets"

"I once owned a dog that was smarter than you."

irish_goat

http://www.myepicwin.com/thumber/picture/thumb/get/YBD2LDR3V602/main/When-a-guy-says-make-me-a-sandwich-whats-a-good-comeback.jpg

jimthemental

Fcuk off, even your mother doesn't want you around! Your family is so poor she couldn't afford to abort you.

bonerm

chin_grin wrote: »

"I once owned a dog that was smarter than you."

"He must have taught everything you know"

CCCP

Person 1 "How old is she?"

Person 2 "shes 89 today"

Person 3 "yeah, She said come back next year and the crack will be 90!"

themadchef

Spend a few weeks in the insult thread and baby you wont ever be stuck for words again!

chin_grin

bonerm wrote: »

"He must have taught everything you know"

"I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!"

marcsignal

"He really loved nature, in spite of what it did to him"

bonerm

chin_grin wrote: »

"I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!"

"Haemorrhoids flaring up again?"

Duggy747

The conversation-ender:

Person: <Your Ma-related insult>
You: Yea well at least your ma says I'm better in bed than you
Person: ................
You: Problem?

sh1tstirrer

Brian Cowen says to the Irish citizens: We are in this together.
Irish citizens respond: Don't p1ss down our backs and tell us it's raining.

flyton5

I won't stand for this....and Stephen Hawking wouldn't sit for it.

Lando Griffin

On relationships.
The longer a relationship goes on the bigger the pet name gets.
Year 1. “Yes chicken, I ‘m coming”
Year 20 “I’m coming you fat cow”

danniemcq

you have an answer for everything don't you?

well yes it's handy in tests

cypharius

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inTRblYTevk

Best comeback ever.

Irish Guitarist

"I am not young enough to know everything" (Oscar Wilde). That will only work if you're over thirty or so though.

There's a few good ones here http://www.insults.net/html/oscar_wilde/index.html

Johro

Eejit: 'Stinks in here..'
You: 'Maybe your nose is to close to your mouth.'

chin_grin

OP, shouting

YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

and putting on some shades is the ultimate smartass reply.


To anything.

MonkeyTennis

I actually feel sorry for you, when I was your age I was a F**KING A**HOLE too

blackbird98

"Don't think that you're a better man than me just because you had more fathers than I did!"


"I've forgotten more than you'll ever know about it"

"If wit was sh1t, you'd be constipated"

ddef

my fav:

F*CK YOU, DEPUTY STAGG! F*CK! YOU

TimeToShine

I PUT MY HANDS UP IN THE AIR SOMETIMES!

humberklog

-What did your last slave die of?


-"I rode her to death."

Latchy

'' Have you ever thought about striking up a relationship with a ferret ? ''

Ferrets ( apparently ) have erections which last 11 hrs

Turtyturd

A good comeback for women when their OH tells them to get them something.......

....come back with whatever he tells you to get.

Some12

If someone asks you a question unclearly, look at them bewildered and say "You stepped in what??"

It'll throw them back a little.

HxGH

A friend of mine pointed up to the sky and said "look a dead bird."

75% of us looked.

WHY DID WE THINK THERE WAS A FLYING DEAD BIRD?

wonderfulname

Its not witty when you have to take out your little black book of witty comebacks, flick to page 32 and read the appropriate one.

Rockn

A popular reply in primary school:

Where's John?
Up me hole picking brown daisies.

Have you seen Mary?
Yeah she's up me hole picking brown daisies.

Feeona

Rockn wrote: »

A popular reply in primary school:

Where's John?
Up me hole picking brown daisies.

Have you seen Mary?
Yeah she's up me hole picking brown daisies.

We used to just say 'As láthair'

humberklog

humberklog wrote: »

-What did your last slave die of?


-"I rode her to death."

DON'T EVER USE THIS LINE.

I said it to my ma once. Bad.

longshanks

My brothers ex likes to try give me a hard time for some odd reason. Any time I pass her and her fat mates when I'm out they start sniping and just general cuntish behaviour. Apparently I'm going to over react and then when I do I'm dead.

Aaaaaanywho, I was in the kebab shop a couple of weeks ago after a few pints, and they walk in just as I'm handing over the money to the kebab man. They start with the loud bitching, and the 10 or 12 people between me and the chunky birds start feeling a bit uncomfortable with the situation.

So i turn to the few people to my right, stretch, and say 'Is it just me, or did it suddenly get very fat in here?' and everyone in the queue busts their hole laughing. I pick up my kebab and stroll on out of there.

cml387

I've eaten alphabet soup and sh#t a better argument than that.

TimeToShine

longshanks wrote: »

My brothers ex likes to try give me a hard time for some odd reason. Any time I pass her and her fat mates when I'm out they start sniping and just general cuntish behaviour. Apparently I'm going to over react and then when I do I'm dead.

Aaaaaanywho, I was in the kebab shop a couple of weeks ago after a few pints, and they walk in just as I'm handing over the money to the kebab man. They start with the loud bitching, and the 10 or 12 people between me and the chunky birds start feeling a bit uncomfortable with the situation.

So i turn to the few people to my right, stretch, and say 'Is it just me, or did it suddenly get very fat in here?' and everyone in the queue busts their hole laughing. I pick up my kebab and stroll on out of there.

I commend the insult...but in what way is that witty??