Should we or shouldn't we?

LegacyUser

Oh God, not another one of those 'should we have a baby' thread. Sorry!

My head is exploding. Just married 8 months, and am 30 years old. Husband is 34.

Both of us are in permanent jobs, living in the suberbs, working in Dublin city. With talk of babies left right and centre, and the typical helpful 'comments' from in-laws, I'm starting to feel the pressure!

I just don't know how we'd fit a baby in our life - I'm scared that if I leave it too long, it'll be too late to have siblings. I'm afraid if we start trying it'll happen straight away. I'm afraid of what we'll be starting (a life nursing a child with a disability, grief after a miscarriage etc). I just don't know what to do. To be honest, I'm not even sure I like children all that much (though my heart melts if you hand me a newborn:)).

I think however what most terrifies me is the apparent intensity and never-endingness of parenthood. How do you cope?!

Someone please tell me something to reassure me or something - actually I'm not even sure what advice I need but probably just need to rant. Help!

mariaalice

First off what dose your husband think its a joint decision after all....you dont need to panic just yet you are only thirty.....

There are some decisions in life that no matter how much you think about them no matter how much research you do, you have to take a leap of faith and hope it works out alright because no one can see the future and no one can tell you its the right decision and it all going to work out fine.

How Strange

OP, there never really is a perfect time to have children and there will always be a reason to wait. I suppose you know you're ready when the reasons to try outweigh the reasons to wait.

I knew I was ready when the thoughts of having a child and being a mother didn't terrify me anymore but hey thats just me.

There's no doubt that once you make the decision together to start trying the possibilities are scary. What if you don't get pregnant after a few months, what if there are fertility issues, what if you miscarry, what if, what if, what if and that's only the getting pregnant part. Trying to get pregnant/start a family is a huge leap into the unknown.

However it's really a lovely time and yes things will change irrecovably but all for the better. My parents still laugh at how much our lives will change once the babs arrives. I bought the babygros and things for my hospital bag this week and it just makes it so much more real. I really can't wait to see my little baby in them.

All I'll say is make sure you both are ready and don't feel pressured by well intentioned in laws who are eager to become grandparents. You're still quite young so don't get too caught up on age.

RedXIV

Not the best person to give advice OP, my OH became pregnant just after I graduated from college and neither of us were employed. Before the baby was born, I managed to get a job and resigned myself to the fact that I'd be supporting her. I'm only 23 and little girl is now 4months old and as worried as I was about how I was going to manage, was I going to get time to myself etc etc, Its all totally worth it for me when I get to come home and play with her.

Def something magical about your own child smiling up at you.

I'd say if you're talking about the "what ifs" as opposed to "the problem at the minute" then you're just nervous and are ok to try. But it is ultimately a decision for you and your OH.

Joey the lips

There is no right time to have a child. There is just a calculated guess and the love you can provide it with.

IMO men are always more reluctant than women


as for a child with special needs...the probability is slim.

However

Our first has severe intellectual disability...its like authism but he has the love emotion but cannot speak.

Its very hard for us but you cope.

I am not lying when i say the love we have for our kids does not make us think why we had them, it makes us think why we did not have them long ago...


On the plus side...The trying is great... It can be a good laugh...

Then there is the embarresment of actually telling your parents your pregnant...My wife figures its because although your parents know your sleeping together

Now you have the proof....


Seriously...Plan it best you can...which you seem to have...and go for it...

You will always make excuses...

barbiegirl

OP you say your scared of infertility issues and miscarriage and as someone who has undergone three rounds of IUI and miscarried twice in four months I can tell you that when it happens for us, and I'm still confident it will, it will all be worth it.

There is no right time, but life is full of uncertainties and we never know what is ahead of us, however I do think that so long as you are both happy that you can give a child a good life, this is one decision that when you are ready you won't regret.

wolfpawnat

OP, you are clearly a sensible woman, and have thought through all the worst case scenarios! I really cannot tell you when is good for you. You and your hubby are the only 2 who can answer that, But I will say, do not have a child because the families are telling you to!

If you are worried about infertility and diseases, you can go to a doc about all of these things and get a few tests done.

And if you feel ye are ready, how about instead of trying for a baby, stop trying not to have one. The baby will come in its own time then! (I got that from John Grogan, author of Marley and Me!)

I wish you all the best x

LegacyUser

Hi there, OP here.

Thanks so much for the details, and very reassuring replies

To answer your questions, my husband will (some day ) make an amazing father. He's a bit apprehensive as am I but loves children and has a great way with them. I know that if I suggested trying this month, he'd probably agree! I think he's hoping or assuming that we'll probably start trying next year. It's lovely to have this support and the knowledge that he'll be 100% committed to 'us'.

I not sure if I'm articulating my fears properly, never written these down. I don't think I'm a very tolerant person, and probably a little selfish and lazy! I like my 'me' time. I like coming home from work and locking myself away from people, cooking a nice meal and relaxing in peace and quiet. I'm afraid our lives will turn into groundhog day, a daily grind of housework, stress, worry and with no light at the end of the tunnel.

It's strange to think that when you decide to have a baby, you're not just having a baby. It's a person, who in 20 years will be an adult and have their own lives, and opinions and make their own choices in life. I'm a control freak, and will probably end up being one of these overbearing parents!!! Its horrible to think that if I (or we) feck this up, our child will need to suffer the consequences for the rest of their lives. Have you ever heard sad stories of adults who have lost touch with their parents because of past issues and grudges? - or worse, if they go off the rails and make bad choices due to a lack of understanding or support ... it's awful.

I guess I'm just scared because the consequences of being a parent are SO enormous.

Anyway, thanks again for your opinions - I must say this is really helping me get my head straight!

lynski

i really believe that it is a decision that you never regret. you might miss some aspects of your pre-children life, but there is no way anyone I have ever met would go back.
Most people are only sorry they took so long to make the decision in the first place.
picture yourself on your deathbed, after a long life, can you really imagine yourself as someone who would die childless or do you see really see children and grandchildren around you?

LashingLady

I just don't know how we'd fit a baby in our life
Honestly? Your baby will be your new life, and some aspects of your old life won't fit in with that new life! Many still will. But there will be big changes to your lifestyle.

- I'm scared that if I leave it too long, it'll be too late to have siblings. I'm afraid if we start trying it'll happen straight away.
You've only been married for 8 months, and you're only 30. You don't have to get pregnant right now. You can always leave it for another year (or even two), and say you're going to get as much out of those last childless years as you can.

I'm afraid of what we'll be starting (a life nursing a child with a disability, grief after a miscarriage etc). I just don't know what to do.
This is something that goes through every parent's mind, and we all want our children to be healthy and able to experience the best of life. But I found becoming a parent introduced me to a latent terror always in the back of my mind - "how will I keep him safe?", "what if he got hurt or sick", "what if something happened to me?" My mam assures me that this is a normal and central part of being a parent

To be honest, I'm not even sure I like children all that much (though my heart melts if you hand me a newborn).
Children are hard work alright!! I think there's a reason we get newborns and not two-year olds at first, or else no one would ever have kids!


I think however what most terrifies me is the apparent intensity and never-endingness of parenthood. How do you cope?!
Right now, as the parent of a demanding two year-old and an eight week old, I know all about that intensity and it is very tough sometimes. But the "never-endingness" is just more things to look forward to. There are constant achievements and successes when you have small children. They are learning and doing new things every day, so there's always somethign to life your spirits (well maybe not always).

In the end of the day, as everyone says "there's never a good time to have a child", but you have one and then it becomes the right time. And then these questions become redundant, because you honestly don't say "oh i shouldn't have had them, that was the wrong decision......"


Someone please tell me something to reassure me or something:

Being pregnant for the first time was one of the most exilarhating experiences. It really is very very special. And then when your baby arrives it's just amazing. Every single instance of this normal life process that happens to everyone is a little miracle for the people involved. I look at both my kids every day and think that the fact that I brought those two little people with their own little personalities and their own little lives into this world is just a miracle. And it's not really rationally explainable, but that makes up for all the toughness (which I hear gets easier - well here's hoping!)

stovelid

Shouldwe wrote: »

How do you cope?!

You just do. Nobody is born a parent - you become one.

Fittle

I agree with stovelid.

You just cope, because your new baby is your new life.

Nothing can prepare you for it...no amount of babysitting, minding other peoples kids, changing other kids nappies etc - nothing. Because it's the emotional feeling that comes with having your child that is the biggie:D. You can 'fit' a child into your life no problem - you can still have your 'me' time, your hobbies etc - it's harder to do it yes, but with a bit of organisation it can be done! Some of my best friends are very selfish mammies;) and still get to the gym, the beauticians on a regular basis:D

So the day to day stuff is the 'easy' bit.

It's what goes on in your head that's the hard bit...you can't plan how your life will be after baby comes along - because no amount of planning can prepare you for the new feelings you will have. Another friend of mine had her creche sorted, her new working hours sorted, the nursery decorated all before she was 7months pregnant. She is now a full time, stay at home mum, having decided not to return to work at all!!! Another mum had taken a career break while pregnant, having decided she wanted to be a full-time mum for a few years, while she was 6 months pregnant. She ended up returning to work when baby was 5 months old:D

So we all just do what we do...

But you're young enough to give it another while before you try - if that's what you decide!

Cat Melodeon

OP, are you me?

I put off and put off the decision, was finally bullied into it by my husband (in the nicest way imaginable) and have no regrets, in fact I am sorry we left it so late as I would have ten more if I could.

Yes, life changes. You say you don't know how you'd fit a baby into your life. There is no fitting in. The baby is a part of you. By the time they arrive you already know them, what their personality is like. It's like meeting someone you have known forever. They already belong to you and with you and there is no need to try and find a place for them because that place already exists, you just aren't aware of it yet.

You're scared that if you leave it too long, it'll be too late to have siblings. Take it one step at a time! Maybe you'll only want the one. Maybe you'll love the experience so much you'll want to keep popping them out one after the other. You are only considered an 'old' first time mum when you pass 36, so you have heaps of time. What were you doing 6 years ago? 6 years is a long time, there is so much you can do and so much that can change you in that length of time. Take your time for now, only try when you've lost some of the fear, but don't overthink things as you might be creating fear of babies when it is only fear of change, and change happens no matter what you do.

You're afraid that it'll happen straight away - then take it slowly. Come off whatever method of contraception you use and switch to condoms for now. Take folic acid. Prepare your body so that when the rest of you is ready you'll be good to go.

Fear of disability or loss is natural, every parent goes through that and it never goes away. You have to learn to live with that, the same way as you probably live with the fear of something happening to your husband or family members. But don't let the fear of something that might never happen determine your choices.

As for the apparent intensity and never-endingness of parenthood, it's very hard to explain. The intensity of it is caused by the intensity of love you feel for this little person that is half you and half your partner. It is never-ending, but never-ending love isn't a bad thing. Never-ending responsibility is harder to imagine, but again, the base and primal love you feel for your child make that responsibility a simple fact of life rather than something to be tolerated or coped with.

Life as you know it does not end when you have a child. The degree to which you change your lifestyle is up to you. Once the first year is over (and sooner for many families) you can dictate the routine. You can have your kids in bed early and enjoy peaceful evenings with your spouse. You can get a babysitter and enjoy nights out. You will probably want to slim down the number of activities you do in the evenings, but you can still take turns with your husband and enjoy a solitary walk or yoga or just some time alone to read - whatever your interests are, if they are important enough to you, you will find a way to continue them. Or maybe you'll be so enthused by parenting that it will become your main focus. No harm in that either, and no reason why you can't be like that for a while and then return to your previous lifestyle when you and your child/ren are a bit older.

OP, to be honest, you sound as if you know you want to have children. You mention your lovely husband and can picture him as a dad - that's huge. You talk about family as if it's important to you - can you imagine not creating your own family, not extending that love to children of your own? Your heart melts with a newborn - hell, they're the scariest kind of children, if you can cope with them you'll cope with anything! I don't like other people's children at all, but I love my own. That's natural law, not a determinant of how you'll be as a parent.

And you're only just married. In-laws can be headwrecking, especially if they're getting on in years. Don't be pressured into starting before you're ready. Again, maybe I'm reading too much into what you're written, but it sounds like you have a Plan (be married for 2 years, then try, or something similar?) and that you now find yourself inexplicably questioning the Plan. Horrid place for a control freak to be! What else is going on in your life? Why are you questioning the Plan now? Was the Plan wrong to start off with? Are those hormones causing havoc with your logical life path?

Give yourself a break. Don't be pinned down by notional plans, but don't just abandon them either. If you are ready and there is nothing major preventing you from going for it, just give yourself over to it and see what happens.

It's magic when it happens. Magic trumps fear every time.

astra2000

Shouldwe wrote: »

I not sure if I'm articulating my fears properly, never written these down. I don't think I'm a very tolerant person, and probably a little selfish and lazy! I like my 'me' time. I like coming home from work and locking myself away from people, cooking a nice meal and relaxing in peace and quiet. I'm afraid our lives will turn into groundhog day, a daily grind of housework, stress, worry and with no light at the end of the tunnel.

It's strange to think that when you decide to have a baby, you're not just having a baby. It's a person, who in 20 years will be an adult and have their own lives, and opinions and make their own choices in life. I'm a control freak, and will probably end up being one of these overbearing parents!!! Its horrible to think that if I (or we) feck this up, our child will need to suffer the consequences for the rest of their lives. Have you ever heard sad stories of adults who have lost touch with their parents because of past issues and grudges? - or worse, if they go off the rails and make bad choices due to a lack of understanding or support ... it's awful.

I guess I'm just scared because the consequences of being a parent are SO enormous.

Anyway, thanks again for your opinions - I must say this is really helping me get my head straight!

Hi op I think that the majority of parents were like you were before they had kids, I definetly was:D. I remember I used to listen to mothers with my mouth hanging open and my brain telling me I would never be able for it. The thing is you adapt and priorities change. And I suppose when we become parents we grow up a bit with out even realising it. Sure there is a lot of mundane things to parenthood, but there is to every aspect of life, when we get the home we always wanted its great, but along comes housework maintainance and mortgages. Same when we get a job sure we get paid but we have to work for it! I guess what I am trying to say is that parenthood does bring extra responsibilities but also brings lot and lots of undescriable happiness, all the work we parents put in is rewarded 100fold at least. Best of luck enjoy your first christmas as a married couple:).

Tim Robbins

Babies are certainly mega-time consuming and a mega commitment. The older you are the less you'll miss out on all the mad nights out in the pub. You're probably staying in most nights anyway watching the late late show anyway.

However, the younger you are the more energy you have and less chance of complications.

So that's how I'd see the difference.

Kimono-Girl

honestly, a baby will never fit into your life and you will never be in a position to afford one, but that does not mean in any way you shouldn't have one.

My daughter was unplanned, i was in a permanent job my partner was in his final year of college, we had no clue how we'd work it, or how we would manage, all we knew was we wanted to try,

long story short just after i returned to work from maternity leave the opportunity of voluntary redundancy came up, and as my partner had just landed himself a permanent job i took it, i never wanted to be a stay at home mum but i wouldn't change what i am doing now for the world, i love spending the days with my daughter, and you will find things tend to work out when you least expect them to.

that tends to be the way with children, its like anything if you take it step by step and take each day as it comes you will find it's less scary!

and when the costs are broken down you will find them more manageable too!

the only thing i will add is do not have a baby because you have been pressured into it, maybe talk to your husband and see what his views are on the matter, but if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy (these things can take time to happen too) then at least take this with you,

baby steps are literally what is needed, and for any questions you may have along the way i found boards people were more than helpful.

good luck with whatever you decide!